Hey guys! lol, sorry for not updating for like a month? I promise that this is a long chapter though. I had a huge writer's block and it came out as shit so I'm SUPER sorry about that, seriously. But thanks for the people who had reviewed before!
When I had dreams like these, they typically occurred before tests or due to the result of something small such as not eating dinner. But last night's torment was not due to a lack of food.
Today was Sunday and although I had expected myself to get my head screwed on straight by the time the weekend had ended, it had done the exact opposite. It had unbolted and let itself fall apart; the many demons that had once punctured my heart were now making its way to my brain to destroy it, trying to end me for good. I only hoped that Finn would help me escape the torture that I could not run from without him, but of course, that wouldn't be happening for a long while. Not until I would apologize for something I didn't even do.
I dragged myself off the bed, forcing my legs to move, although they were jelly under me. I felt like I had just run thirty miles without a break, although I had done nothing but mope all weekend.
I wished that it had all been some sort of terrible dream; but when I clicked my phone on to see there wasn't the usual "good morning" text from Finn, I could feel disappointment raging inside of me. Not disappointed at Finn, not at Serena, but at myself. For starting some stupid jealous little fight for no absolute reason. It was childish really; I was acting like some possessive ex-girlfriend, although Finn and I never have dated and I know that after this, we never will.
The more I argued with him lessened the chance of Finn ever returning any feelings for me, so what was the point of even thinking about him? He's with Serena anyways, and I doubt that will change for a while.
But I do end up thinking about him, of course.
My stomach flips and turns thinking about tomorrow, no friends to sit with during lunch, no partners for biology class. But what's going to be even worse- after school.
You see, when I began high school, my father promised me a job. And then he later gave one to Finn. So we worked the same shifts, which was great, because if I wasn't, I'd either have to work with my brother Jack, or Lauren Cartwright; who wasn't necessarily bad, but she was a bit too chatty than what I was used to.
And so now I'll have to go to the bakery after school tomorrow and face Finn and just hope that I don't make myself look even dumber and more jealous than I already am.
OxO
The bell rings once again, signaling the end of school. I want to groan, cry, or maybe even drop to the floor and get into fetal position. But I instead just lower my head down, clutching my green binder as I walk out the door as slowly as possible, dreading the moment when I'll have to go to work.
Maybe dad will let me off the hook, telling me that I've worked enough for the past three years and I need a well-deserved break. But that won't happen. Because life never turns out the way you want it to, no matter how shitty it already is.
Serena had given me death glares in biology, her steely grey eyes burning through the back of my head while our teacher drowned on and on about how we needed to be careful when dissecting the cat when no one was actually listening. She sat next to Scarlet Stentson who gave me a Cheshire cat grin as I walked in. I ended up sitting with Jehanna Crane, who painted her nails a sultry red, burning my nose with the smell of acetate.
So obviously, Finn had told Serena everything that I had said to him on Saturday. Fantastic.
Finn had passed by me in the halls between second and third period, his emerald eyes flickering in my direction before looking back in front of him, as if us locking eyes for the mere milliseconds never happened. I couldn't help but wish that when he looked toward me that he would come up to me and talk, apologizing about leaving me on prom night when I was his date, or how he shouldn't have said the things he had said on Saturday although I'm sure I deserved it. I just wanted things to be okay again.
Instead of the usual ride in Finn's electric blue car, I had to take the piece of junk that was my mother's old Honda model from billions of years ago, perhaps when she was my age. The car often stops on the short three miles over to the bakery, six times to be exact. If I would have been riding in Finn's car, it would have been a smooth transition from the prison that was school to the bakery.
"Jesus," I mutter, slamming the silver door of the car shut, marching toward the light wooden door, the open sign falling to the flour-dusted floor as I slam the door open. I groan, bending down to pick up the sign when I take a sudden blow to my side, knocking me to the ground. I immediately grasp my arm, which had taken the direct hit. The door is still open, the sun blinding me, forcing me to squint to see who the suspect of the crime is. But I see nothing but the bronze hair of a boy, or maybe a man. When mystery man finally shuts the door, I finally get a look at who it is. Finn, of course.
"Oh, sorry," Finn scrunches his eyebrows in concern, as if he had forgotten that we were mad at each other. He pulls out his hand for me to take but I decline it and push myself off from the ground myself, dusting the white powder from my dark clothes.
He gives me a quizzical look before walking over to the counter, gathering ingredients before mixing them all together in the silver bowl, his face concentrated. I almost want to smile, but I know I can't. So I instead make use of myself and sweep the starchy floors until only the seams in the wood flooring are caked with whiteness. I sigh in satisfaction, looking at the work I had done. It wasn't baking, but at least I wasn't behind the counter yelling at Finn.
"So where were you at school today?" Finn asks, as if nothing had ever happened to us. I almost want to walk toward him and slap him until his cheeks are about as red as the nail polish Jehanna had been painting her nails with. Instead, I just narrowed my eyes at him. What was his plan? To pretend that everything that I had told him Saturday was a joke?
I looked down at the floor and began sweeping again, although there was nothing else that I could do. "I don't know, where were you and Serena?" I bite, looking at him as I spit venom in the words you and Serena.
He gives me a guilty look, one that almost makes me feel bad and make me want to take my words back. But I don't completely. This is war. People get hurt and things change, even if it's for the worst.
"I'm sorry, okay? Look, it's not Serena and my fault because we like each other. We didn't know that we were supposed to get some sort of permission slip from you or some sort of blessing to let us date. Just let us do what we wanna do. We can still all be friends like we used to, or at least boyfriend, girlfriend, and best friend." He gives me a pleading look; his green eyes a shimmering emerald as they look straight into mine. But all I can do is roll my eyes. After being friends with someone for this long, you know the tricks they use to get you to cave.
He gets out from behind the counter, going in for a hug, his toned, tanned arms attempting to wrap around my shoulders but they never make it there. Instead, my fist flies and punches his cheek, leaving a strawberry red stain, as if he were blushing furiously on one side of his face. But he does not narrow his eyes angrily at me, but instead gives me a lost look, full of deep pain and childish innocence.
"What?" He asks, his eyebrows knitting adorably, and I almost regret socking him. Almost.
"Don't hug me when you know that I'm not going to forgive you. Not yet, Finn," I explain, dragging my black, flour-covered shoes behind the counter, avoiding his eyes that I know are staring straight at me. I try to focus on the bread that Finn had been working on, kneading it before sliding it into the brick oven. I glance at Finn for a millisecond, who catches my eye, but I quickly look back down, looking back at the recipe for sugar cookies.
"Okay Hazel," Finn mutters, just loud enough for me to hear. He's suddenly behind me, looking over my shoulder, before he walks over to the fridge, pulling out the ingredients.
We make the cookies in silence, occasionally bumping into each other and mumbling out unmeaningful apologies, or at least I don't mean it when my shoulder collides with Finn's.
I'm forming the dough into neat little balls when I feel something hit the back of my head. I first feel my neck, where the targeted area was, touching something sticky. I realize that it's cookie dough, and the criminal for the offence was Finn. He stands behind me sheepishly, but the corners of his mouth soon curl up, and soon enough, he's laughing loud enough for the entire city of Panem to hear.
"What the hell?" I ask, venom dripping from my voice, unamused. He thought that throwing cookie dough was a great idea when I was clearly still annoyed with him?
Finn gets over his laughing spasm. "Sorry Hazey," Hazey was a nickname that he used to call me, back when we were in elementary school and we didn't care about dating or backstabbing. We were just us. "It was an honest accident." His face tries to contort into some sort of innocent look but soon turns back into the same old mischievous grin.
I don't respond, my face turning too red for me to possibly say something without stuttering upon my words. Nobody comes in until the devil, Serena, comes walking in, who I can see from the corner of my eye raising her eyebrows in what I assume is Finn's direction.
"Hey Finn, can I get some chocolate chip cookies? They were so good when we hung out Saturday night," Serena asks, probably smirking. I'm closer to the cookies, but I don't dare object and grab them for her just to see her evil grey eyes practically laughing at me.
"Actually, I think Hazel here made those chocolate cookies that night," Finn keeps his voice casual, as if none of us were in a fight, none of us were ignoring each other, and none of us definitely not practically forcing them to sit next to Jehanna Crane.
I snap my head up in confusion. What was he trying to do, kill me?
"Actually, I think Jack made those that night," I mumble, lying as I lower my head back down, trying to focus on the bread that I'm now kneading, although I think I'm more like punching the dough.
I can practically picture Serena rolling her eyes, tucking a golden curl behind her ear. "Well, I need to get some of those cookies. Finn, baby, get me some, will you?" I feel the urge to throw my hands up in the air as I hear her call Finn baby. What was he, a pre-schooler?
Finn only walks over and bags the cookies, walking over to the register to have her pay.
"Don't I get a girlfriend discount here?" Serena asked, probably sticking her lipstick-coated bottom lip out as if she were a puppy who needed food.
I scoff, knowing that I have to speak up now. I can't just let her torment me while I sit here in silence. "You never got the friend discount before, why do you think Finn would let you get the girlfriend discount?" I narrow my eyes, annoyed. The fact that she thinks that her throwing the word girlfriend out is going to make me cry my eyes out in her presence is disgusting. Has she not learned anything in our nearly decade of friendship?
"Just wondering," Serena says innocently before handing Finn a crisp twenty dollar bill, then putting her hands onto the edge of the counter, pushing herself slightly over to kiss Finn. I nearly throw up at the sight.
"So are you coming over tonight? I mean, you have every night since Friday," She looks at me as she says her second sentence. But I keep the outside of my body calm, controlled, although I could be blowing steam out of my ears if I didn't restrain myself.
"Um, I don't think I can," Finn lies unconvincingly, although Serena seems to buy it, pouting. "I think I'm going over to Hazel's house tonight for dinner." Serena's jaw drops as does mine. What is he talking about, "dinner at Hazel's house"?
But then I know. Mondays were and always have been reserved as dinner with the Odairs, switching between houses each time. Usually it's fun, something to look forward to on the lazy Mondays that begin school, but I've forgotten all about it until now, and it's just one more thing that I'm positively dreading.
"Oh," Serena purses her lips, obviously annoyed. "Well I guess I'll call you?" But she doesn't wait for his response. She again leans over to kiss him, but Finn pulls away quickly, surprised this time.
"Look, I'll call you alright? I need to talk to you about some things," Finn says, nervousness clear in his voice. I nearly burst out laughing, knowing that he can see her trying to make me jealous. Or at least, I hope he does. Why do I care anyways if he can see it? He's still going to ignore me no matter what, even if they break up or whatever. Our friendship is gone. Non-existent. Nothing.
Serena doesn't seem to get it, probably because she's a blonde. "Alright, well, bye then," She walks away, the cookies still sitting upon the counter as the door swings closed behind her, but not before giving me a look that says, watch your back, I know how to kill.
"You aren't really coming over for dinner, are you?" I ask carefully, my brain telling me to shut the hell up but my heart telling me to go on.
Finn looks at me in shock. "Why wouldn't I? Isn't that a tradition?" He raises his eyebrows, as if he doesn't get that there is a strain in what is our friendship, if there is anything left.
"You know why."
"Why can't we let Friday and Saturday go? What did I do to ever piss Hazel Mellark off?"
I rest my elbows on the counter, putting my face in my hands. What did he do? Oh, he only just left me on my own without a ride on prom night; he's dating my best friend who I'm sure he doesn't even know half as well as he knows me. He told me to "get off my period". So why was I mad?
"Look Finn, I honestly don't want to talk about it. I'm sure that if you looked into this deep enough, then maybe you'd understand. But you obviously can't get it through that thick head of yours-" Stop talking Hazel, my brain tells me, but I keep going on. "So I guess you'll never know. My shift is over-" No it's not. "See you later or whatever."
I awkwardly jog my way toward the bakery door, unsure if I'm supposed to storm out of here in a fast walk or in speedily run my way out, so I suppose this is in the middle. But I guess my uncomfortable exit was too slow; because Finn grabs my arm and pulls me toward his chest, closer and closer until my head is awkwardly touching his neck slightly, not close enough for me to nestle between his shoulder and his head but just for me to be able to be close to it. His arms are warmly wrapped against my body, boobs or waist or whatever. However, my arms hang lamely next to me, forcing me to look like a pencil.
"I just want us to all be friends," Finn whispers in my ear, chills running down my back, arms, a blush creeping upon my face. His voice was so… Sexy? Through the course of our friendship, I had never noticed his voice getting so deep. It was a gradual change of course; I had never seemed to catch it until now.
I yank myself apart from him, reminding myself not to trust him; he hurt you, that he and you will never be together. I had been so wrapped up, literally, in how great his arms were to be around me, how his voice had been so dark and sultry and who knows how else to describe how he sounded when he muttered those words?
"Stop," I croak, my voice weak and lying, becoming blatantly obvious that I don't mean the word that I mutter back.
"Hazel" is the only thing he says as his emerald eyes, shining like jewels, watch my blue ones. I look away, lowering my head down to our feet, so close together. Just as our friendship used to be, close.
What might have happened if I had made my move on Finn? Would he have rejected me, or taken me in his arms for a searing kiss? Would we elope as soon as I whispered my feelings (which would be totally and completely dumb and unrealistic, but I can dream, right?) Or perhaps our friendship would fall apart, just as it is now.
I wonder how it feels to be kissed by Finn. No doubt he was probably an amazing kisser, otherwise Serena wouldn't be making out with him in the East wing at school, like I had saw them when I was walking to lunch but quickly turned my heel as soon as I spotted lips clumsily mashed together and the flicker of blonde and bronze mixed together.
"Finn, when everything goes back to the way that things should be, then maybe we can be friends again, alright?" I have to remain strong. I'm not going to be putty in his hands, a hug and we can be just like we were before. I'm going to get what I want, and that's Finn and Serena breaking up. It's horrible to wish for maybe, but was I going to let Serena brag about their relationship in my face just so I could go home to sob in my pillow until it's sopping wet? No, I wasn't.
Finn slowly nods, probably trying to process the fact that for once, he isn't getting what he wants. I'm not saying that Finn is spoiled (although he is), but things usually turn out great for him. Getting the spot as captain of the swim team, never once looking terrible, having two loving parents and a humongous house. All just some of the things that are a regular in the life of Finn Odair.
"Alright," He says, a tinge of sadness that makes me want to wrap my arms around his muscular body, but I remind myself not to be putty.
"See you during dinner, okay Finn?" I say, my voice so quiet that I'm unsure whether he had heard me or not. But I know he hears me as his head nods, biting his lip as if he was trying to keep himself from saying something wrong.
He leans in toward me, his tanned, toned arms out, but they don't aim to wrap around my waist or whatever, they go for my neck. What is he trying to do, choke me with his forearms or something? Or maybe he's going for a bear hug? But I remain frozen, unsure of what in the hell I'm even supposed to be doing in the first place.
"Hazel," He whispers, his voice dark and his eyes tinted with something I can't quite make out. Hatred? Pain?
But eventually, I understand what he's doing. What that look in his eyes is. Lust. I want to back away, tell him to stop, we can't be doing this, people might see. But my body doesn't move, my feet remain planted upon the yet again flour-dusted floors, not budging.
"What are you-"I sputter, although I know exactly what he's doing as our noses awkwardly touch, and I realize I am going to finally know what Finn Odair's lips will taste like, feel like, the aftermath of the event.
His lips clumsily touch mine, but I do not move my lips against his. I'm sure it feels as if a dead frog was kissing him, but I cannot function any part of my body. I cannot twirl my fingers through his bronze hair, nor can I pull him closer to me. All I can do is taste how his lips are salty like the sea, but sweet like the sugar cookies he had made an hour ago.
It feels like an hour before my arms can finally function, and when they do, I push his chest.
"What the hell was that?" I scream, frowning. I don't know whether I liked the fact that Finn was the one kissing me or not. They were so soft, so right, but at the same time so wrong.
I was only happy that he wasn't my first kiss, that my first wouldn't make me feel so guilty. My first kiss had been taken by a boy named Darius in the seventh grade when I was sitting under the tree that Finn and I had usually met up under, an old oak, and he had sputtered a couple of nervous sentences before putting his inexperienced lips upon mine. I kept my eyes open for that one, noticing his friends laughing behind him. So my previous kisses hadn't been all that great.
Finn doesn't meet my eyes; he instead just scratches the back of his head and looks behind me, a guilty look planted upon his face. "I-I don't know." Silence.
"You can't go kissing people when you've got a girlfriend, Finn! Didn't you know that? We can't do this! We aren't even friends!" I feel my face turn red, brighter than the red velvet cupcakes sitting in the glass case to show for the customers.
Finn gives me a look, full of embarrassment and shame. "I just had to, just once Hazel," His voice is almost begging, as if he knew from even before the kiss that it wasn't right, he knew that he shouldn't kiss his ex-best friend.
"You're a freak, Finn," I spit. Bile comes up from my throat but I manage to keep it down for the sake of keeping Finn from trying to help me. How embarrassing would it be to call someone a freak then throwing up all over the floor and having them help you?
"I'm sorry," He mumbles, "I don't know, okay?"
"Get your shit together, Finn."
A customer comes bustling in, obviously in a hurry as she practically pushes us out of her way and over to the register. She looks around nervously.
"Anyone here?" She asks quickly, looking at the both of us.
"Right here, ma'am," I mutter, jogging back behind the counter. I finish her order, but not before she embarrasses me.
She smiles, her makeup-caked face slightly wrinkling as she does so. "Sorry for interrupting you and your boyfriend. You guys are adorable together!"
I almost release the vomit crawling up from my throat but I again manage to keep it down. "We aren't together, ma'am."
"Oh, well, I must be going then," She blushes a scarlet red before scurrying back to the door, swinging the door open and leaving.
"Even strangers think we'd be good together," Finn mumbles, his eyes so innocent, as we were eight and nine again, and he had just broken his mother's vase when we were throwing a football around.
My face burns, half anger and half pain. "If you think that, then why're dating Serena? As much as I don't like her right now-" I want to use hate, but I really don't hate her, just annoyed. "You don't do this shit, Finn! If you liked me, then why didn't you make a move on me before? You're a chicken shit, Finn!"
It feels like years before he finally responds.
"I'll see you at six."
okay im sorry it was terrible and super unrealistic im sorry but thanks for reading anyways please review? i love you guys okay