Chapter 3: Stanford

Filbrick Pines was frantically searching for his son Stanford or at the very least a clue to his whereabouts. "Come on, Stanford." He pleaded to no one. "You can't have just vanished into thin air." Deciding that finding clues would be easier in a lit room and hoping there's still electricity inside that seemingly-abandoned place, he flicked a nearby switch. It didn't turn any lights on but it opened a secret door to a stairway. "Somehow, I am not surprised." Filbrick commented.

As he walked down the stairs, Filbrick Pines was being creeped out by the wall decorations. 'That shrunken head he found at Pines Pawns caused more of a psychological trauma than I expected.' Filbrick thought. 'What was I thinking when I acquired that stupid thing?'

As he went further downstairs, he noticed a goat. "Is my son using you as a bait to catch a chupacabra?" He mockingly asked.

"Baa." The goat replied.

"Whatever." Filbrick said. "It still sounds logical for someone who once claimed to have found the Jersey Devil."

Filbrick ignored the goat and kept going downstairs and wondering if there was anything left from Ford's college grant. He eventually reached the bottom and, to his surprise, found a huge golden statue of a triangular creature with four arms and holding three books. The cover of each book had the mark of a six-fingered hand and they were numbered from 1 to 3. The third book had a magnifying glass tied to it. Filbrick was furious. "He couldn't spare a cent for me but he wasted money on THIS? NO WAY THE MONEY SPENT ON THIS STATUE CAN BE JUSTIFIED AS SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH!"

"Dad?" Filbrick heard someone ask and then looked around to see who it was. To his horror, he saw what he'd describe as a hobo with slightly cracked glasses, a big beard, tattered clothes, and feet that were bare except for the bandages.

"Stanford?" Filbrick asked in shock. "What happened to you?"

"GIFHG ML LMV!" Ford shouted.

"Speak English, you Poindexter!" Filbrick ordered his son.

"What are you doing here, Father?" Ford asked.

"Your mother and I were worried because we haven't heard from you in months." Filbrick explained.

"What do you care?" Ford skeptically asked. "You already have a millionaire son."

Filbrick angrily grabbed Ford. "Did you really think I'd swallow my pride and ask for anything from the son I rejected? Now look at yourself! You squandered your college dough on useless research and a golden statue and have nothing but filthy rags to show for it. Now sell that stupid thing and…" He then noticed Ford had metallic bones instead of his hands. "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HANDS?"

Ford then showed his Dad a huge metal made upside-down triangle with a circle at its middle. "I tried to open a portal to the source of Gravity Falls' weirdness but couldn't do it without help." He explained. "Traded my hands for a witch's help but even her magic didn't help."

"Can't you get a refund?" Filbrick asked.

"No refunds, she said." Ford sadly answered.

"What were you thinking when you made that trade?" Filbrick asked in exasperation. "Do you really need this portal to become rich?"

"It's not about the money." Ford explained. "The Grand Unified Theory of Weirdness is the greatest achievement a scientist can accomplish. If I ever expose any of my other findings, it'll attract other scientists and one of them might discover the theory before I do."

"Would any of those findings make you millions?" Filbrick asked.

"Some of them would do, Dad." Ford answered.

"Then let other scientists waste their time with that stupid weirdness theory thing and make yourself a millionaire, you stupid genius." Filbrick ordered his son. "Aren't you upset the knucklehead is living the high life while you're in the gutter he was supposed to end up?"

"The more it pains me to admit, Stanley deserves it for accepting the opportunity I missed." Ford explained. "Back in college, I used to think Fiddleford was wasting his time and nobody would want a portable computer."

"Yes, even I was impressed at how well those things are selling and…" Filbrick commented and then caught on to how Ford spoke of Fiddleford. "Wait a minute. Are you saying you knew that McGucket character from college?"

"We were best friends back then, father." Ford explained. "I'd ask for his help with the portal but running Stanco Enterprises with Stanley must be probably keeping him too busy for that."

"What you need is another kind of help, Stanford." Filbrick commented.

Ford frowned. "I am not going to ask for handouts from Stanley." He firmly declared. "If he offers some as an apology for ruining my life, I might accept."

"Stop blaming your brother for that, Ford." Filbrick ordered. "Sure, it was his fault you weren't accepted at West Coast Tech but you can't waste your college grant and blame anyone other than yourself. Before coming here, I never thought I'd say it but the knucklehead deserves to be a multi-millionaire more than you do. The help I meant is psychiatric help."

"I'm not insane, father!" Ford protested.

"Of course you are!" Filbrick argued. "You wasted your college grant and your hands on this supernatural research. Speaking of your hands, which kind of metal are those 'bones' made of? It doesn't remind me of anything I ever ran across as a pawnbroker."

"I found it at a spaceship buried nearby." Ford explained.

"You're indeed crazy." Filbrick bluntly stated. "I'll have you declared insane and then sell that stupid statue to cut off your losses."

"HANDS OFF MY STATUE, FILBRICK!" A different voice angrily shouted from Ford's mouth.

Furious at being treated like that by one of his own sons, Filbrick grabbed Ford by the collar. "How dare you talk to your own father like that?" He then noticed something odd. "What happened to your eyes, Poindexter?"

"FORDSY IS NO LONGER RUNNING THIS BODY, FILBRICK!" The new voice answered. "THE NAME'S BILL CIPHER! AND YOU ARE FILBRICK PINES, THE MAN WHO PLACED HIS CHIPS ON THE WRONG HORSE! IT MUST HAVE HURT TO SEE THE KNUCKLEHEAD YOU REJECTED BECOMING THE MILLIONAIRE YOU EXPECTED SIXER TO BECOME!"

"Do you have split personalities, son?" Filbrick asked.

End chapter.

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