*LENA*
As I look out the plane window, my heart races as I remember the events of the week. I feel just sick about it all to be honest, and I know that I need to not only be honest with myself but also with my wife. I re-adjust my neck pillow as I quickly wipe the falling tears. I really want to try to talk Stef into going to therapy with me...if she'll just forgive me first.
*FLASHBACK*
"More wine, Len?" Monte held up the last of the red cab, and I giggle.
"Do you think I'm a lush? Give me that!" I take the bottle and pour the rest into my glass.
"I don't, but I do think you don't relax enough."
I smile as I swirl my glass. "I try. I mean as much as I can. Stef usually is working late or already gone to bed. But I have my share of wine as well as relaxation."
"NO one should drink alone," she holds her glass up. "To friends!"
"To friends!" We clink glasses, and I take a swig.
"I've lost a baby, too, ya know," Monte says softly.
I look over at her as I study her face. "I didn't know..."
"I don't really like to talk about it," she shrugs as she looks at me. "But I get it. My husband and I kinda went through a really hard time, and to be honest, we took a break for a few months."
"A break? Like separated?"
"Yes...that. But we're back now, and better than ever!" She laughs nervously, and I wonder why she isn't meeting my eyes. Somehow, I think she wants me to think her marriage is good but it really isn't.
I try to not go there because it is possible that I'm just deflecting my own marriage and feelings. "That's good to hear. I'm glad you worked through it."
"Don't be sad, Len! C'mon! I didn't mean to make you feel badly. I'm sure you and Stef will work through it all!" She scoots closer to me and takes my hand which in turn makes me feel a bit better.
I sigh as I down the rest of my wine. "Ok, no more wine! Or I'll never get up in the morning!" I giggle. She nods and downs hers as well; then takes both glasses and sets them down.
"Come here," she holds out her hand which I take as she leads me to the balcony off her room. We look out over the city and are quiet for a bit as my mind races wondering if Stef is asleep or if I can call her now. Maybe she's awake? I have this inner battle inside my head which finally leads me to make a decision.
"I'll be back, ok? I'm going to use the ladies' room," she smiles as she takes a seat.
"I'll be right here."
I head back inside, pulling my phone out of my pocket as I speed dial Stef's number. I realize it's past eleven, but I can only hope I reach her.
My heart races out of control as she answers, "Hello? Lena?" I hear background noise and loud music playing which instantly makes me upset. All this time I'm thinking that she may be asleep, and I'm thinking of her! And she's out with the guys again! This has become quite the thing lately.
"Ya, I'm returning your call. Where are you?" I ask in an annoyed tone.
"Oh, uh, I'm out with Mike and some guy from the precinct. I waited for you to call back. I called you over five hours ago. Are you ok?" She hollers into the phone which annoys me even more.
"Oh, ya! I'm great! Glad you're having a blast without me!" I know I'm being unfair at this point, but I don't care. Obviously she hasn't thought of me. She didn't even reply to my text.
"What? Are you ok?" she hollers again as it's obvious she is having a very hard time hearing what I'm saying.
"I said I'm ok! I texted you a little over an hour ago? Did you get it?" I'm trying so hard not to take out my anger on her, but it's proving to be difficult.
"Save me a spot! Mike! No! I'll be there in a minute!" She clearly isn't talking to me and I can feel the room spinning whether it be from all of the wine or the fact my blood pressure has elevated. "Ya! I'm doing great! Hey, listen, I can't hear very well! I'll text you later on when I get home, ok? I love you!" She shouts into the phone.
I blink back the hot tears that spring to my eyes, " Ya, talk to you later." When I hang up, I bend over as if I was punched in the gut. I shouldn't have come here. I should have gone on our planned vacation. We maybe would be talking or spending time together right now. Hey, maybe we would even be making love. But who am I kidding? We barely sleep together anymore, and the last time we did, it seemed as if Stef's mind was in another place.
My chest hurts so badly, and I just want to sleep. So, I head back out to the balcony to tell Monte goodnight. "Hey, I'm gonna head on to bed, ok? I'll see you at breakfast in the morning."
Monte looks up at me, and she instantly is by my side. "Are you ok?" As soon as she asks, I break down, covering my eyes, and sob. "Oh, honey, it's ok," she pulls me into her arms as I cry like a baby, sobs racking my entire frame. She runs her hands up and down my back which makes me cry even harder because I miss Stef so fucking much it physically hurts right now. I miss her holding me, kissing me, comforting me. I miss her smell, her voice, her tenderness. I miss her tough act, her protectiveness and how much she used to worship the ground I walk on. Every. Single. Thing. I miss, and I don't know how to tell her that.
Monte finally pulls back, and I whisper hoarsely, "I'm sorry...so sorry. I had too much to drink, and I'm just tired."
She runs her hand down my cheek as if to console me, and I sniffle as I try to calm down. "Lena, you don't ever have to apologize to me...ever." She looks at me tenderly, and before I know what's happening, her one hand runs down my arm to my lower back as her other hand down my face softly as she softly kisses me.
My heart races out of control as it seems I'm slower to figure out what the hell is going on right now, but as soon as my brain registers that Monte is in fact kissing me square on my lips, I pull back. "No...uhhh...I can't...please..."
"Shit..." She mutters as she steps back and covers her mouth.
"I gotta go..." I quickly mutter as I turn and practically run from the room. This is how it started out with me and Stef. She kissed me first, catching me off guard. The only difference is, I kissed Stef back! Somehow I lead Monte on to believe I wanted this! Fuck!
*FLASHBACK ENDS*
I close my eyes as I feel my stomach continuing to churn. I have to talk to Stef. There is no question about it. I have done my equal share, and it takes two of us to make it work. My only question to myself is this: am I too late?