Chapter three

At 9:48 Joseph left his room.
Clarisse was still pacing in hers.

At 9:49 she slipped on some shoes.
He heard the squeaking on the tile as he walked.

At 9:50 he had already made it to the doors.
She was exiting her room, much to the confusion of the door guards.

They met in the Garden at 9:53. Both were early and shaking with nervousness.

Clarisse had been rehearsing what she would say to him for the past hour. She wanted to tell him everything in a way that he would understand. She was an excellent public speaker; she spoke to hundreds of people every day. This was different. This was Joseph. This terrified her.

Joseph had been anticipating rejection, and nearly came to the conclusion that he should offer rejection to her before she had the chance to break his heart. I can't be with you. I'm not worthy. But he knew those words would never come out. He was holding on to the hope that she could change her mind and fall for him – like some stupid fantasy novel. It wasn't possible.

To his surprise, she greeted him with a kiss. It was a quick and forced meeting of the lips, just as he had seen her and Rupert share a million times.

"Joseph, I've been thinking."

Here it was: the rejection that he never wanted to hear, but always expected. It was playing out exactly how he had imagined. She would say that she wanted to be with him, but it was too difficult as queen. She loved him deeply but she could never see him like this again. The kiss was a mistake. They needed to stay friends, and of course no one could know. His mind was swimming with a thousand ways to try to convince her to be with him. He knew the country and her duty would always get in the way of her emotions. He, of course, had no chance. So it was back to fleeting touches and the occasional dance at a lesser ball where no one would judge them and all would just assume them friendly colleagues.

"We should do this." She sighed and smiled – proud of herself for finally admitting that she wanted something so selfish for once in her life. Everything she had done had been for the monarchy. Everything was for the family and the country. This was just for her. For him. For them.

"What?" Joseph nearly choked with surprise. "Clarisse, are you sure?"

"But it must remain hidden to some degree. The whole world knows we're friends, and have been for some years, but they can't know that…" She paused, "that we've kissed."

"Yes. Of course" he smiled softly. "I'm not even sure I believe it"

"Nor am I" Clarisse grinned, "but I suppose I've changed"

"You are quite the rebel, your majesty" Joseph leaned in to kiss her again. He never wanted to stop kissing her; he was afraid she would change her mind. It was likely that she would. She wasn't used to the freedom that she had as the head of the country. She'd always been careful to walk one step behind Rupert, and one step in front of Joseph. With this kiss, all following and all that came before, the hierarchy was changed…if only in private. They were equals here, while the lights of the garden were shining on the flower beds. As soon as the sun took their place, Joseph would be expected to fall in line.
Once again he would be unable to kiss, to touch, to hold his queen. No one could know how much he wanted to ravish her whenever they got a moment alone. Now was his chance to let it all out. Now was the only chance he had to kiss her before everything went back to 'normal'.

"Oh…" Clarisse sighed, breaking the kiss, "can they see us here?"

"I assure you that all of the guards will keep our secret, my love" Joseph took her hand.

"I know this will be difficult. At least, I know it will for me. But I can't let this go, not since we danced" Her eyes sparkled with the memory of letting herself be led onto the dance floor. She was filled with girlish delight whenever she remembered his hands on her hips and the scent of his cologne. She could smell it now if she leaned in close enough. Inhaling and licking her lips, she ran her free hand over her skirt.

"The wango?" Joseph chuckled, squeezing Clarisse's hand. She smiled again and took her hand back, suddenly overwhelmed by him. She felt that she couldn't control what she would do next. She decided to change the subject and distract herself from her rising heart rate.

"Is anyone looking for me?" she asked.

"No, I informed them you would be leaving," he said, watching her eyes drop, "I didn't tell them why you would be leaving."

"Oh. Good, then," Clarisse said. Joseph looked almost holy to her in this light. She had waited far too long to be able to take command and kiss him. She had waited too long to be able to feel anything beside love for her country. She hadn't known that she would feel such a sense of loyalty to a place she had inherited. An arranged marriage was never what she wanted; though she had been incredibly happy with Rupert, nothing could compare to what she felt when Joseph touched her. She kissed him again and whispered, "walk me back?"

Joseph wasn't sure what kind of invitation this was. He assumed that she literally meant she wanted to be returned to her room, but she had been so full of surprises that didn't know what to expect. He took her hand again and she pulled away.

"I'm sorry, Joseph."

He nodded. Of course it would be like this. Entering the palace was entering the watchful eyes of the security cameras, and therefore, becoming public knowledge. Everything Clarisse did was punctuated by the thought of the public catching wind of it. Joseph was less concerned with what they thought of him. He had always been around to protect her image, and now he was set up to unintentionally ruin it. He wondered what would happen if anyone found out. There had always been some suspicion among the staff, but Joseph had said he was doing his job to protect the crown. His love for the royal family was out of duty to the country, not out of love for the matriarch. Some of the staff had taken this as an excuse, but others knew better.

"No, Clarisse. You're right. No one can know. Are you certain it is safe for me to walk you back?"

"You've done it a million times, Joseph. I can't imagine anyone thinking anything of it now" she said, beginning a slow walk back to her bedroom. "Though," she started, "oh never mind."

"What is it?" Joseph asked, trailing a half a step behind her. Old habits were hard to break.

"It's going to be hard to make you leave this time" Clarisse whispered, especially without a kiss goodnight."