Disclaimer: They ain't no dogs o' mine
October 22nd
Breakfast was particularly odd today. I'm not usually last to wake, honest, but this morning by the time I stumbled down to the Great Hall, everyone else was practically finished. (All that thinking yesterday must have tired me out. Or perhaps 'twas just my Remus-shaped dreams...)
Tried asking Remus what in Merlin's name he was playing at last night, but he just mumbled something and exchanged worried glances with Lily. They've doing a lot of that all day, and it's really been setting me on edge. Even James, Lils' boyfriend, was getting twitchy, and he's not usually the envious kind. I've been getting carried away with all these very worrying - but hopefully absurd - theories forming in my head: a secret affair, someone catching them in the act, Lily getting pregnant! Ridiculous, I'm sure.
I had hoped that speaking to James about it might reassure me, but all he did was scowl and say, "I knew it. You're in love with him." Well thanks a lot, Jamie, worry me further. I'm not ready for love! As much as I hate to admit it, I'm too much of a child, surely! I haven't really been through enough to know how to handle love. I didn't know what I expected from my lusting after Remus, but it certainly wasn't this, that feeling that I won't put a name to. I guess I didn't expect anything to come of it; I thought I'd grow out of it by now. Whoops...
Well, um, I kind of, er, goaded James into having it out with Lily. Seriously though, I did look really bad: all the whispers and glances were very suspicious. I knew James was trying to calm himself down, but me hissing, "What if she's pregnant or something?" was more than enough to push him over the edge. Gods, I'm a bad friend, pushing his buttons like that. James and Lily haven't even slept together yet; I know it would kill him if... well... But I just had to know. The suspicion was killing me.
So, we managed to get Lily alone, and James managed to somehow form the words to ask, "Is something going on between you and Remus?"
I thought she was going to hit him, really. "WHAT?!" She exclaimed, and her eyes fell on me. "What's this got to do with him? Being typically foolhardy is he?" Lily asked James, and I wondered which, exactly, of my incidences of foolhardiness she was referring to...
"Oh, he's in love with Remus," James said offhandedly, and again asked Lily, "So?"
I couldn't believe it, not only had he told someone, he'd told Lily, who is clearly in cahoots with Remus, AND he said I'm in love. Aargh! "I'm not in love, it's nothing, really, I'm not ready for love, I'm just confused, and I'm -"
"Yeah, whatever, mate, keep telling yourself that," James snapped, impatiently.
Lily was staring at me. "So you do like Remus?"
I was about to say that it didn't matter because I'm so weird that I can't even form the appropriate emotions for a crush, so a relationship would be almost impossible when James interrupted. "Jealous, are we?" he asked, angrily. (And I thought he was free of envy!)
"James," she soothed. "Don't be silly. I love you, I would never betray you like that. Besides, I don't think I'm Remus' type."
I said, "What do you mean?" just as James asked, "Are you sure?"
Lily smiled, "Of course I'm sure," and took James' hand, sending a pang of jealousy through me. If I'm so 'cool' and popular and loved, why am I completely incapable of that?? Anyway, then she turned to me and took a deep breath. "I shouldn't be telling you this, but you're such a fool that I'm going to have to - "
What? I was meant to figure something out? Only goes to show how completely clueless I am about emotions. Clueless and useless.
" - Remus is gay, Sirius. He broke up with his boyfriend when he found out you - er - swing that way, too. He was hoping that you'd tell him how you feel. He thought he'd figured everything out, but began to question himself when you didn't say anything 'cos he thinks you're, ummm, really confident." She cocked an eyebrow, as if she's figured out how ridiculous that idea is.
I was speechless.
"Remus wants you to tell him how you feel, Sirius. Can you do that?"
Oh shit.