Everything had been going well for about two weeks. Pippin had been following Aragorn's directions to the letter. He had even managed to make the changes in diet that had been suggested. He still was not fond of garlic, but he was discovering several new dishes that incorporated the spice.
Aragorn made frequent, but discreet, inquiries about how things were progressing for the hobbit couple. Each time Pippin told him that everything was going well and there had been none of the odd side-effects that he had been warned about.
Once again, Diamond watched as her long-suffering husband struggled to swallow the herbal drink. Even though she had seen him do this every second or third night for the last few weeks, she still felt bad for him.
"It doesn't get any easier to take, does it?" she asked.
"No," Pippin answered in a slightly strangled voice as he forced down the dregs from the cup, "it doesn't. I really have to confess that I'm reaching the end of my rope here. I want desperately to keep trying, but I don't know how many more times I can force this stuff down without my stomach rebelling completely. This is hard enough to get down. I don't want to know what it feels like to have it come back up." He gave a weak smile at this.
Diamond handed him a cup of water. "Here," she said. "At least you can wash some of the taste out of your mouth."
"Thank you, Dear," he said after draining the cup and handing it back to her. "That's much better. Now, what do you say we go to bed and see if we can get up to anything?"
It had become an ongoing joke between the two of them to see how many times they could sneak the words, "up" and "rise" into their bedtime conversations. If nothing else, they were finding a great deal of humor in the euphemisms and innuendo.
On this particular night it was becoming very obvious to Pippin that there was going to be very little to laugh at. Almost as soon as he lay down, he became aware that things were not right. He suddenly felt very dizzy and his vision began to blur.
"I think I'm going to be sick," he said, trying to sit up
"Not in my bed," snapped Diamond as she rolled quickly out of said bed and grabbed the chamber pot. She was only just in time.
Pippin lay back down still feeling dizzy. "Well, now I know that those stupid herbs are even worse coming up than going down," he said weakly. "I feel awful, and I think I have another problem, too."
Diamond was now sitting beside him, having placed the full chamber pot on the opposite side of the room. "You're not going to be sick again, are you?"
"No, I don't think there's much left down there. My new problem is a little lower, Love. I think I must have had those herbs down long enough for them to do there work, and now that that part of me is motivated, the rest of me isn't. What a waste."
"Don't worry about it," Diamond reassured him. "You just relax. I'll take care of this quickly enough, then you can rest. We'll just have to tell Aragorn tomorrow that the herbs are causing you problems. I'm sad that it will mean that we have to stop trying, but I'm relieved that I won't have to watch you suffer every time we want to share our love in this way."
Pippin closed his eyes as he let his wife take matters into her capable hands.
After several minutes, he opened his eyes again and looked directly at her. "Stop." he finally said. "It's not working. We're going to have to try something else."
They tried several different positions and techniques, but nothing helped. Diamond was at her wits' end, and Pippin was now in pain.
He lay on his back, eyes clinched shut and tears running back into his sweat-damp curls. "Oh, by whatever Powers there be, just make it go away," he sobbed. "It hurts so much. I can't stand much more. I think if I could move, I'd get my sword and just cut it off. Oh, please, somebody do something."
"That's it!" said Diamond. "I'm going to get Aragorn. This has to stop. Now."
She threw on her dressing gown and walked quickly to the king's quarters.
It was only a few minutes, but it seemed like an eternity to Pippin, before Diamond returned with an obviously recently awakened Aragorn trailing behind her.
"What exactly is the problem?" the King asked.
"Besides the obvious," said Pippin through gritted teeth.
"All right, I didn't word that well. What I should have asked was, besides the prolonged erection, are you having any other side-effects?"
"He threw up most of the herbal drink," answered Diamond.
At this point she had come to stand near where her husband was lying. Desperately he reached out for her hand. Once he had it, he clung to it like a drowning man grabbing at a lifeline.
"My vision is blurry, too," Pippin managed to state.
By this time Aragorn had already begun mixing a new set of herbs together. "You are going to have to stop taking the herbs immediately," he said. "As to your current problem, this is what I'm going to do: I'm going to start by giving you something to relax your body and put you to sleep, then I'm going to do something to relieve your problem. I'm not going to give you all the details. Some things It's simply better not to know."
Pippin was in far too much pain to do much to help himself so Diamond supported his head and Aragorn held the cup while he swallowed the new but equally bitter herbs.
It took several minutes for the medicine to take effect but, eventually, Diamond was able to free her hand from her husband's vise-like grip. She carefully flexed her fingers to make sure they were still working and to get the feeling back into them.
Soon Pippin was completely asleep and Aragorn began preparing for the next part of his treatment.
"You can stay if you wish," the King said to Diamond.
"Your Majesty, I love my husband dearly, but there are certain things that even a wife does not want to know. Also, if I don't see it, I can't tell him about it when he asks-and he will ask." This last was delivered with a very Pippin-like smirk.
"Very well," said Aragorn. "I'll let you know as soon as I've finished."
It was almost noon when Pippin finally awoke. Diamond was sitting beside the bed holding his hand.
"How do you feel?" she asked.
Pippin lay perfectly still for a moment with a thoughtful look on his face. At last he said, "I feel exhausted, and achy, and I feel odd in places it's not polite to talk about. What did he do to me?"
"I have no idea," Diamond answered. "I left before he did anything. There are times when ignorance is truly bliss, and this was one of those times."
The next afternoon Aragorn met with the two hobbits.
"This is not easy," he said to them. "I wish there was something else we could try, but other than continuing to make sure you get a lot of fruit and garlic in your diet, there's nothing else I can recommend."
"You did your best," was Pippin's reply. "I just wish I had been able to tolerate the herbs better. I'm the weak link in this chain, not you."
"Do not undervalue yourself, Peregrin," said Aragorn. "You have put yourself through a great deal of effort and pain for this. That takes a strength that many males do not have. You were willing to go through embarrassment and many other things in an effort to have a child. You have nothing to be ashamed of."
Diamond nodded and squeezed her husband's hand affectionately. "You did everything you could, and more, Dear."
"There are a few things we still need to discuss." Aragorn was quick to redirect the conversation before he lost the hobbits to their own talk. "First, there is the matter of how you each are going to feel about this over the next several weeks or months. Neither one of you should be surprised or upset with yourselves for feeling angry about your situation. You may even have moments where you feel like blaming yourself or each other for the failure of your efforts. This is perfectly normal. It is all part of the grief process. You may also find yourself depressed for reasons you may not be able to explain even to yourself. What you will probably feel is very much like what one feels when someone close to them dies. After all, your dream of a large family has died."
Both hobbits simply nodded their heads. Neither one wanted to admit they were already feeling some of these things.
Over the course of the remainder of their time at Annuminas, there were many days when Diamond would find herself in tears for no reason at all. There were also times when she found herself looking at her husband and thinking the most unkind things about him. She kept trying to remind herself that what she was feeling was normal, but it still made her feel terrible for feeling the things she did.
Pippin too was suffering. He felt totally inadequate in every area of his life. He felt like he wasn't a good father. He just knew that Diamond felt he was worthless as a husband and lover. He even began to doubt his usefulness to his King.
One night all the pent up frustrations reached a point where they could no longer be held in.
As they were getting ready for bed, Pippin looked over at what his wife was preparing to put on. "What happened to all those nice, pretty nightdresses Arwen and you found earlier? You haven't worn one in quite a while."
For a moment she just stared at him. Then she quickly donned the simple, cotton gown she had been holding. "Why bother," she said. "I don't need to look nice just to sleep. They were a waste."
"I didn't think so. I liked them, and I loved you in them." Pippin started to smile at his wife, but her next words wiped the look of joy from his face.
"It doesn't matter what you like to see me in. You can't do anything but look and touch. You can't please yourself, let alone me. Why bother with such things when I usually end up finishing what you start. Why put myself through that?"
Pippin stood with the edge of the bedclothes, which he had been folding back, in his hand and a stricken look on his face.
"And put on a nightshirt. It's not that warm tonight and I really don't care to look at you like that." With that, she pulled back the covers on her side of the bed and climbed in.
"Excuse me?" He dropped the covers he had been holding and folded his arms across his chest. "What are you saying? Are you telling me that you think I'm no longer attractive to you? Are you saying that because I can't please you in bed that I'm no longer good enough for you? I thought our marriage was based on a whole lot more than that. I would never have thought you could be so shallow."
"Face it, Peregrin," Diamond snapped back, climbing out of the bed to stand facing her husband defiantly. Suddenly that six foot space felt like an impossible gulf to cross. "it isn't the only thing our marriage is based on, but it certainly is a big part of it. I feel like I've done more than my share by putting up with your inadequacies for all these years. I don't really care anymore why you can't perform your husbandly duties. I'm just tired of dealing with it. I'd just prefer that you keep you eyes, hands and thoughts to yourself. If you must know, you're right. I no longer find you desirable."
Pippin couldn't keep the tears from beginning to trickle from his eyes. He was just so shocked that his loving, patient Diamond was saying these hurtful things to him. "Di," he began, but sighed and closed his mouth. A nickname didn't seem appropriate at this moment. "Diamond," he began again. "I love you now as much as I did on the day I asked you to be my wife. I will never stop loving you. Right now I feel worthless enough without you reminding me of what I cannot do. I know you're angry and hurt, but so am I. I beat myself up every day for failing you. For the moment, I will sleep elsewhere so that I won't disturb you. If you really do not wish to have me in your life, then we can talk to Aragorn about what we should do. But I only ask that you give this some time. Do not make a hasty decision that will change our lives and Faramir's forever." Pippin ended by taking his pillow and exiting the room.
Diamond stood there in the silent room for several moments, then she sat on the edge of the bed and began to quietly sob.
Meanwhile, Pippin curled up on the sofa in the little sitting room in the couple's guest quarters and silently wept.
Early the next morning, Pippin slipped quietly back into the bedroom. He quickly gathered some clothing and went to dress in the bathing room. As he left, he cast a lingering, longing look at his wife. It appeared that she was not having a restful sleep. Pippin knew that he had to leave before he decided to stay and try to comfort her. She had made it clear that she wanted nothing from him, not even that.
Once he was dressed, Pippin went to see Aragorn. He was having a hard time convincing the courtier that was scheduling appointments for the King that he was considered a priority when Aragorn himself overheard the discussion.
"Targil," said the King, "Sir Peregrin never needs to schedule an appointment to see me. He is free to come before me at any time."
"Yes, Sire," answered the courtier meekly.
"Now, what do you wish to speak to me about, Peregrin? Shall we discuss it over breakfast?"
"Actually," said Pippin, looking down and studying the pattern of the tiles beneath his feet, "I'm really not that hungry, but I would not deprive you of your morning meal."
"This must be serious indeed if it has put you off your food." Gently, Aragorn guided the troubled hobbit to his own private chambers and a table laden with a lovely breakfast.
"Are you sure you won't have a little something?" asked Aragorn as he seated himself and began to fill a plate.
"Well," said Pippin, "I guess I could eat a little something. A piece of toast perhaps."
Before he even realized what he was doing, Pippin had filled a plate and begun to eat.
"Now," said the King, "what is it that has you so unsettled that you had to be coaxed to eat?"
Pippin looked up hastily from his meal. Suddenly he was feeling queasy. He pushed his plate away as the tears began to form once more in his eyes. "She wants me to leave!" he blurted out without preamble.
Aragorn lowered his fork and looked intently at the hobbit. "Excuse me?"
"She told me last night that she no longer finds me attractive and that she just wanted to be left alone. She doesn't want to waste her time with me anymore." By this point, Pippin was sobbing in earnest.
Diamond awoke with the sun shining through the bedroom window and onto the bed. Sleepily she reached out for the person she had shared a bed with for almost ten years. She came fully awake when she found the spot cold and empty.
Quickly she got up and, putting on her dressing gown, went into the sitting room. There was no sign that her husband had ever been there.
Slowly she sank to the sofa as the argument of the night before, and all her hateful words, came back clearly to her. She knew she had hurt Pippin dreadfully with what she had said, but she was still hurting herself and she felt like he needed to suffer for the loss he'd caused her. Before she even realized it, her anger had returned with almost the same force as last night.
"Why should I have to pay for his inadequacies?" she asked aloud. "If I'd have known when I married him what I know now, I don't know that I'd have said yes. He knew I wanted children. How could he have done this to me? I'm trapped in a marriage with someone who can't even fulfill his husbandly duties. Sure we have a son; that's what's required, but that shouldn't be all there is. It's not fair."
"No, it isn't fair at all."
Diamond started at the sound of Arwen's voice in the doorway. "What are you doing here, begging your pardon, my Queen."
"I thought you might want someone to unburden yourself to considering your husband is now sobbing like a babe on my husband's shoulder. Care to tell me what went on to cause him to be doing that while you sit here and justify your anger?"
"Not really," Diamond answered sharply. "I'd rather not talk to anyone about it. I said all I wanted to and then some last night. He's a failure and I just want to be rid of him."
Arwen came into room and took a seat in an overstuffed chair opposite where Diamond sat on the sofa. "So you've decided that because Pippin cannot give you another child, he's not worth keeping around? Fathering children is the most important thing he could ever do?"
Diamond would not look at Arwen. "It is a very important thing in our culture. It doesn't matter to hobbits what he did outside the Shire. What matters to us is family, and family means children. He may be a hero here, but back home people just shake their heads and say how sad it is that the Thain has only one son. At first they all wanted to point at me and say that I couldn't have children. Imagine what they thought when it got about that I can have as many children as I want, but my husband can't give them to me.
"I know I can't end my marriage; that's a life-long commitment, but I don't have to live the rest of my life sharing a bed with him. I can't look at him the way I used to anymore."
"So what you're saying," stated the Queen, "is that because all the things Pippin put himself through to try to get you with child did not work, you want to give up on him and all the other areas of your marriage that had been strong? You want to walk away from the person that you have spent your entire adult life with, the person who has put himself through misery for you and a hope that he might be able to be a father again? I have to say, I thought Peregrin and yourself had a stronger relationship than that."
Aragorn patted Pippin's back and made little nonsense sounds to try to calm him.
When the tears had begun to subside, Aragorn looked intently into the hobbit's eyes. "Now, are you telling me that Diamond threw you out?
"To put it bluntly," sniffled Pippin, "yes. She said she didn't want me around any more."
"I find this very hard to accept," said the King.
"You? What about me? My wife just told me that she regrets marrying me. That hurt worse than being flattened by that troll. Of course, if it hadn't been for that dratted troll, I'd not be in this situation right now. I'd be a father several times over, my wife would be happy and I would never have had to go through everything I have to try to have children; not to mention, I'd never have had to go through all that suffering while recovering at Cormallen."
"I wish things could have been different for you as well," said Aragorn. "I have always wanted nothing but the best for you, and the others as well. Unfortunately, things don't always work out the way we'd like."
Tell me about it," mumbled Pippin. "But what do I do now?" he said more clearly, looking up at Aragorn at last. "My wife hates me. I'm humiliated. I have to go home and either tiptoe around the fact that my wife no longer shares my home with me, or keep up the appearance that we are still together while we actually no longer share a bed. Poor Faramir: he's going to be so confused."
"Pippin," said the King, "you know that Diamond is grieving the loss of the children you'll never have, right?"
Pippin nodded. "So am I."
"Yes, you are. Do you thing that maybe she'll change her mind once she gets past the initial sorrow?"
"I don't know," was Pippin's reply. "She has always been a very stubborn person. She's the only one that can be more stubborn than me, according to Merry. Once she decides something, it takes a great deal of effort to change her mind.
Diamond had become thoughtful as Arwen had spoken of the strength of her relationship with her husband. "I always thought we could get through anything as long as we had each other, but now I don't think we can. The strong, handsome, bright and humorous hobbit I married is nothing but a nice-looking shell."
"So, if he had none of the qualities that you just implied drew you to him, but he could give you children, you'd be happy." Arwen looked searching into Diamond's face.
Diamond hesitated for a moment before she spoke. "My parents were not totally in favor of my marriage to Peregrin. They thought he was too flighty and a little too charming for his own good, let alone mine. I married him despite all their misgivings. I convinced them that he was perfect for me. Maybe I shouldn't have been so hasty. Most of the suitors they wanted me to consider were plain, simple hobbits, nothing special to look at but solid and steady and well grounded in our land and our customs. Now I'm wishing I was simply a North Farthing oat farmer's wife."
"You know, I don't believe that for a moment," said Arwen, looking intently into Diamond's eyes. "I've seen you with Pippin. You both bring out the best in each other. He challenges your wit and creativity. You ground him and keep him focused on the here and now when he'd rather be daydreaming. You would have been frustrated as a farmer's wife. There would have been nothing to challenge you intellectually, conversationally, socially or creatively. Peregrin has shown you a wider world than you could ever have imagined, and you have loved it. You can't deny it. It shows in your face whenever he points new things out to you or tells one of his stories of the travels he's made."
"Maybe you're right, at least about some of it," Diamond reluctantly agreed. "It really doesn't matter now anyway. I'm married to Peregrin, and that cannot be changed. What I need to do now is figure out what I want to do. Do I take my child and return home to my parents' home to live a sheltered life as the wife that rejected her husband, the most powerful hobbit in the Shire? Do I do that and leave Faramir with his father so that he can learn what it will require for him to be Thain one day? Do I stay on as the Mistress of Great Smials but take separate rooms from my husband? Do I stay with him and keep up the image of our marriage with sharing a bed? I have to think this through."
"Perhaps you should discuss it with your husband," suggested Arwen. "He may have a few ideas on how to help you do what's best for you while still saving himself, yourself or your son disgrace."
"As much as I don't want to talk to him," said Diamond, "I know I should, especially since we will have to work together to raise our son, whether we're together or not."
Pippin sat for several minutes in silence. Aragorn didn't disturb him. He could see all the thoughts and emotions going through the hobbit's mind reflected in his expressive face.
At last Pippin looked up and spoke. "I suppose I should return to our guest rooms and speak with Diamond. We have to figure out what we're going to do, now that she has made it clear that I'm no longer the hobbit she desires."
"I think you have the right of things," said Aragorn. "I agree that you should speak with her. Remember to be patient with her. You both are suffering a loss here and you both are emotionally on edge. Try to think before you speak."
Pippin gave the King a small smile. The impulsiveness of the Took was legendary, both in his actions and his words.
Diamond sat alone in the sitting room. Arwen had left some time ago. There were so many things that Diamond had to think about and consider. What should I do? I'm not sure if I can stay at Great Smials and live a lie. I'm not sure I can stay there with all the old feelings so close. A part of me will always love Peregrin, even if I can't give myself to him in that way ever again. I'm afraid that if I stayed, I'd be tempted; and I can't allow that to happen. He's hurt me so much already, I won't let that happen again.
There came a soft tap on the door that caused Diamond to jump. The tap was closely followed by a familiar voice. A voice she wasn't sure she was really ready to hear just yet.
"May I come in?" asked Pippin softly. He half expected to be told to go away, if she even answered him at all.
Diamond hesitated for a moment before answering. "Come in," she finally said.
Pippin slowly opened the door and stepped inside. "I was worried there for a moment that you were going to send me away."
"I thought about it. But we really probably should talk. I think I'm going to go back to Long Cleeve. I don't think I can live at Great Smials, not with all the gossip and speculation about us. You know there'll be all kinds of talk, just like there was before I got pregnant. I really don't want to hear the speculation about whether or not we are living as husband and wife, who's being faithful or unfaithful to whom, who's at fault for our marriage being a sham. I think it will be easier for you to do your duty as Took and Thain without all the rumors constantly swirling around."
"They'll swirl whether or not you are there," Pippin said. He still stood just inside the doorway. He was not sure how welcome to make himself. "Even if you are gone, people will still talk. They will wonder if I sent you away, or if I was untrue to you and you left. I will go down in Took history to be the first Thain to reject his wife. That is certainly not the legacy I wanted to leave."
"Yes, I suppose you're right, but I won't have to listen to it. I don't think I can live with it."
"I won't have a choice," Pippin sighed.
"I will leave our son with you," Diamond continued. "He will need to learn his future responsibilities from you. Also, his prospects for finding a wife, when the time comes, are much better in the Tookland than they would be in the North. I only ask that you allow him to visit myself and my family as often as is possible. I love him dearly and don't want to lose him, but it is for the best for him."
"Diamond," Pippin began. He could not look at her and he found himself worrying at the edge of the rug with the toes of his right foot. "I really wish you'd stay, at least for a while. Give yourself some time to think about whether or not this is what you really want to do."
"Don't you understand?" she exclaimed, jumping up and turning to face her husband fully for the first time since he'd entered the room. "I still love you, and I can't stay with you because I will do something I will regret. I can't let my heart lead where my head knows I must not go. I made a mistake in giving my heart to you, and now I can't take it back; but I can take myself away so that I won't see you and dwell on what you could not give me."
Pippin could just stand there staring for a long moment. His mind was trying to wrap itself around what his wife had just said.
Finally he began to speak. At first his words were hesitant, but he soon began to regain both his hope and his confidence.
"Diamond, please believe me when I say that I am more sorry than you will ever know that I am incapable of giving you any more children. I admit that I have failed you in my duty as a husband in that regard. I hope, though, that other than in that area I have been a good husband to you. I love you dearly and want to make you as happy as I can. I wish you would stay, at least for a while. I believe that we could work through this together.
"It's hard for me to accept that I am not the hobbit I thought I was. It is never good for a male to realize that he is lacking in certain areas. I have to admit that I'm feeling bad about my shortcomings right now. I know that there is more to a loving marriage than what goes on in the bedroom. If I figured anything out as I grew up it was that. I had wonderful role models to show me that. Merry's parents loved each other madly and tried for years to have a child. At first they had no success at all, then Aunt Esme finally got pregnant; but she miscarried. She lost two before Merry was born and three after that, but neither of them lost faith in their love. Merry remembers the sadness of the last loss. He told me once that they actually came to him and told him that he would be their only child. They never stopped loving each other, in every sense of the word, but they had to give up a dream and be thankful for what they had. I'm trying to have that same acceptance for our situation. I'm not asking you to accept it, I'm just explaining what I'm trying to do for myself.
"I guess what I'm trying to say is, please stay with me, Diamond, at least till we both have come to realize that our future does not hold any more children. Stay with me until my next birthday, please; and then, if you still feel the way you do right now, go back to your family with my love and blessing."
Pippin dropped into the nearest chair totally exhausted by his emotions and this long speech.
Diamond looked at him for a long time before saying anything.
"Peregrin, like I said, I will always love you in some fashion, but I can't love you the way I did before this. I just can't look at you the way I did. There is still an attraction there, but I don't dare respond to it. It only gets my hopes up that you can do something you obviously cannot. I will stay, as you have asked, but I cannot share your bed any longer. It just brings too many emotions to the surface."
"I'll accept that," said Pippin. "I can ask for no more at the moment. I do ask jus one other thing."
"And what might that be?" Diamond was at once defensive again. "I should have known that you'd want conditions."
"No." answered Pippin. "I only want you to tell me if your feelings change in any way; whether you decide that staying is impossible or that you really can come back and be my wife in every sense of the word. Don't worry, I have no illusions that you will ever feel the way you used to toward me again, but I have to have some hope to cling to."
"Agreed," answered Diamond. "I will tell you if anything changes, and I will let you cling to your dreams even though mine are all gone."