K, well thanks to random bouts of depression and deep thought, I've come up with many ideas for this stories and here are some other pointers: 1) This chapter I wrote in hoping to keep to the EVA feel, along with keeping the characters in their own personalities and show the ways they can change, 2) I took artistic changes and made Shinji a lil' bit different since he has been gone for a while...you'll see why in the next TWO chapters...3) I might make this a prequel to "Forget Me, Let Me Go", and if you're wondering how, you'll see in the latter half of the story and the events unfolding will give you information and lastly 4) Alot of symbolism and metaphors will be used for this story, and at the end if you didn't catch them, I'll explain them to you. I won't allow them to be noticed easily, because I want you as a reader to have many interpretations or at least a few...now on to the reviewers response:
Showstopper: Yeah, I agree in many ways, but the show barely showed much focus on character relationships, and I could go on but yeah, there are many things about Rei and Shinji that match, but I feel more for Asuka and Shinji than Rei and Shinji, but I still think it'll work. Glad you like it and I hope you like this too
bigguy1234: Glad you like it, hopefully this makes the story even more interesting
Webknight: Hopefully you'll like this chapter too, thanks!
Hououza: well, this'll set up everything you were hoping to find out, and at least shed some light on Shinji's character, along with Asuka's. Still, glad you like it
jcmoorehead: Well, glad you didn't pass the judgement yet, hopefully you won't based on this chapter too. It'll be awhile before you can, but maybe some judgement, I've shedded some light on Shinji and what he's like now
94Saturn: You've become one of those reviewers that I am so glad to have, thanks for reading everything I have. I hope you like this chapter too,and I promise that I'll continue my first story, or at least email you it
Rahhel: Somewhat of a spine, we'll see...Shinji has become an interesting character...half the same and half not the same...you'll see, he might have even changed more...but you'll find out in these next few chapters
ERROR809: Well, sorry to break it to you, but it'll be the next two chapter that you'll find out about what Shinji's been up to the last four years
Rising Dragon: Well, it was, but I did it to make the beginning not so typical, but glad you like it, hopefully you like this too...
NOTE: It's ben FOUR YEARS, sorry if I said three...I'll try and change it later
"You're the one who's running away…"
Rebirth 3: Open
She sighed as she plopped onto the bed. Only moments ago did the argument just end with Misato, and only a few moments ago did she lock her door to her bedroom, and now look at her. Idly lying there on the bed, looking into the abyss of the familiar ceiling which hung over her, plain and bearable to where anything could be seen up there, even in the light.
To her, this was her sanctuary, her refuge for times that had gone down wrong, or places to where she needed to think. This had become her sole comfort I times of pain and suffering, and for now, it seemed the bizarre effect this room had on her was failing her at the moment.
The words uttered by Misato that had sent her stomping into the room only moments ago seemed to be eating at her. It was suffocating her and destroying her on the inside, capturing its prey in the most vulnerable moment. It played those haunting words over and over in the back of the room, the broken record stuck on its loop. Still, even if it was hurting her, even if she was denying to her self, did it still have truth in it?
No, the Great Asuka wasn't running away, never has she ran away. She's always been the strong one, the dependent one that people see to have an unlimited amount of strength, even when the time seemed to bare no hope or escape. Still, even through all those tough times, Asuka was the one to be the strength and carry the burden for them all. This was what she believed, this is what they all believed.
But in reality, Asuka was the one who was hoping to find strength in the hearts and souls of others, never wanting to be the sole strength that people relied on.
"Damn it, it's not true. I know it's not…I didn't run away…" she kept muttering to herself, turning to the side to star at the wall. She couldn't be running away, it didn't make sense.
"Stupid Shinji, he doesn't need to know what's going on with me, he'll never understand…" she muttered under her breath, slowly yawning after the accusation. Feeling drowsy, she fell into a deep state of sleep, something she used to find helping and comforting in those times of needs.
She woke up with a giant shake, looking around at the darkness around her. Everywhere there was darkness, everywhere there was nothing but this void. In the center of it all, there she was, sitting in a chair and staring off into nowhere. She looked around frantically hoping to find something or to figure out what the hell was going on, but then a light came on, and there stood in front of her the past; a childlike girl that was her.
"What's going on? Where the hell am I? Why are you here?" she snapped, looking at the little girl ahead of her, and slowly feeling anger rise. Only moments ago was she in the comfort of her bed, and now she was in a chair that bore no cushion, and to see herself in front of her made it only worse.
"Why do you run away?" the little girl asked with a curious but innocent tone, catching her off guard with shock.
"What do you mean? Me running away, that's preposterous!" she snapped back, the little girl still standing with the stoic expression on her face.
"Asuka, that's not it," the little girl asked, "why are you running away?"
"I'm not running away, I'm not. That's what you think, I wasn't running away from him, I couldn't have been." Said Asuka with a lower toned voice, looking around and hoping to find an exit before things escalated. Nothing, once again the darkness bore no exit.
"Asuka, why do you fear his touch? His help? His Comfort that you so desperately seek?" asked the little girl with now an emotionless voice, making the question hit harder than with the innocent tone only used moments ago.
"What do you mean? I don't fear his touch, and he couldn't help me, he doesn't know me, he wouldn't understand me no matter what…" said Asuka now with an even more assertive tone. She felt like she was winning and this was going to go her way, until another light flickered on and shined on someone she wish she hadn't seen, not even at this moment.
"Asuka, I wouldn't understand because you would never open up to me. How could I know anything about you if I didn't know you, and even if I try to help or get close, you wouldn't let me, you'd push me away!" snapped the boy with a ferocious tone, causing all the more anger to bubble inside of Asuka.
"That's a lie Shinji! You know that I tried to get you open up! I tried to get your attention, get you to like me, get you to hold me. You never held me, you never even gave me much thought, you were too busy thinking about Wondergirl and how you like her. Don't give me that!" she snapped back, Shinji still standing there, he too in a stoic like expression.
"Asuka, that's what you only assume. How do you know the thoughts of others when you don't even know yours?" asked Shinji inquisitively, causing Asuka to want to back down. But she couldn't, she would never allow herself to.
"You never were a great liar, were you?" said another voice popping out from the shadows, and there she stood in her fourteen year old glory, the plug suit fitting her figure well, "You never really tried, and even if you did, you never gave an obvious sign to him. You think that kiss would do anything to get him to like you? You're pathetic! And you call Shinji the baka!"
"You always pushed ME away every time I would try to get close to you too, so you're just going to blame me for doing that?" snapped the modern Asuka at Shinji and her fourteen year old self.
"I never even saw you make any attempts, I didn't even know. You never tried to comfort me in my times of need, you called me weak. You called me "The Invincible Shinji", how was that comforting me?" he snapped back, Asuka flinching at the tearing words.
"And all that you did, those "advances" were only a way to really boost your ego, you only made sexual advances to tease Shinji and get his attention. Without attention and recognition of others, you feel as though you don't exist." Said the fourteen year old Asuka while the modern Asuka sat there stunned, the reveling words tearing her apart from the inside and shredding her up; she was starting to yearn to scream for help.
"Ever since Momma died you began to harbor a monster inside of you Asuka, your ego and every day you fed it, and it never became full. When you couldn't pilot EVA no more, it died, but came back. Asuka, all you ever do is try to feed a monster that shouldn't exist." Said the little Asuka, standing there with her stoic look that still made Asuka flinch.
"You're wrong here! You're all wrong, I did like Shinji, I did! I wanted him to hold me and to protect me, I yearned for HIS attention. I never got it, I felt worthless, those names were to let out the hurt of not gaining the attention and respect of another that I wanted to love me. Then he left without telling us and leaving me there hurt, like mother killing herself. How does that constitute me trying to feed this damn monster ego of mine? Explain to me then?" asked Asuka with tears starting to form and a pain in her voice. She was losing the battle she was never meant to win.
"It never died, after I left, it died again, and you became more human. Asuka, you created another perspective of yourself you only wanted others to see, a façade that seemed happy and ready to live the normal life NERV could never provide. Even though your life was still scarred by EVA and NERV, you still continued to live the sham of an existence that bore no pain from memories." Shinji stated while still standing in place.
"Even though deep down the pain was driving you to the point of mad and frustration, you continued to bottle up your emotions on the inside, and never letting them out. Once again, you wore that shell you never thought would be destroyed, and thus were you truly distancing yourself from others." Snapped the fourteen year old Asuka, standing there with her smug expression and staring at Asuka, who sat there in stunned silence; their eyes tearing at her outside so they could see her insides.
They were just staring at her, never blinking nor darting their eyes away, while she felt her mind being torn into. It was like the angel when it mind-raped her, immediately making feel like she was falling into a trance.
"Leave me alone…leave me alone…LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" she snapped while holding her head in her hands while they stood there, just staring her down and causing her psyche to go insane.
"No, we won't…because you don't want me to leave you alone…but if that's what you think you want, then I will…" said Shinji while turning, "even though you're just running away again…"
"Wait…no….no…DON'T LEAVE ME! NOT AGAIN! No, please don't…" wept Asuka in bitter tears while she screamed and reached out for him again, the pain in her chest swelling with his every step.
"Goodbye Asuka," said Shinji, the darkness consuming him while the light slowly faded away on the little Asuka.
"Wait, no…not again…not now…" wept Asuka, while the little girl began to cry tears of her own.
"Don't leave me momma, don't leave me…" said the little Asuka while Asuka stopped sobbing, her eyes opening in shock as she saw the image of her mother hanging on the ceiling.
The scream signaled the end of the pain of Asuka, and the new wound that became her fiber…
"NO!" snapped Asuka while she shot up in cold sweat that coated her body, her eyes opened wide and the darkness of the room surrounding her, causing her to feel as if she was still there.
This was supposed to be her place of sanctuary, her place of refuge and now even it was failing her…this was his fault again. Ever since he had come, everything started haywire. First the party became nothing, then him trying to comfort her, only causing her to fall into the depths of her own fears.
It was something she had closed off so no pain could attack; she closed it so she could let go of her past. Yet, with just his touch, his voice, his presence, it caused the pain to flood back, and she could never really admit that. Even if she said it openly or expressed it, she could admit it to anyone but herself.
"Damn it…why is it him?" she thought to herself. She couldn't pin it at all, she couldn't even place it. At the moment, nothing made sense to her anymore. After all, she really wished this was a dream, but it wasn't. She had to accept reality, that he was here and there was nothing she could do about it. Except, this time something was saying in a little voice that she didn't want him to leave, but at the same time she did. Really, majority of her wanted him to leave, after everything that's happened.
"I just need to get to sleep…that's all…" sighed Asuka, allowing herself to fall down onto her bed and lie there, hoping that sleep would take her back to where she couldn't dwell upon the situation anymore.
And somehow…in the quiet of the night…in the solstice of the rain that drizzled… she found her inner peace that allowed her to sleep for some time…the dreams that she once yearned for slowly starting to become her savior…and possibly her reality…
3 Hours Earlier --------------------------------
The rain began to drizzle, a feeling of serene overflowed in his system, the chill air that was crisp began to cut through his lungs. It was chilly, but tolerable, unlike in Tokyo 2, where it seemed weather was either tolerable or unbearable. However, he did feel it cool down lower ever since Asuka had left him alone…like always…
This time though, he felt it was right to leave her alone and let her talk to Misato, she was the security blanket Asuka had, even when he was there with her as a fellow pilot.
"So many years…and yet she still the same…" he thought to himself and sighed, looking around the park and scanning it, as if looking for difference in the area or some sign that things had changed around Tokyo-3.
Nothing, nothing changed, or at least to the eye nothing had really given any sign of significant change like he'd hoped. Things were the same, life was the same, normal to where it made you want to go insane. He couldn't find it, nothing, and everything slowly made him want to leave again, leave Tokyo-3 for good. This time though, he couldn't run away from it, he had to come back because there was something he had to do
"I need to get back, it's starting to get cold…" he thought to himself, getting up and walking. Walking and feeling as if he was being cleansed by the rain, and yet it seemed like tears. Tears of sadness, tears of pain of someone, while he walked it seemed to mock him and make him feel someone was crying particularly because of him.
"After all of this, it seems everyone does deserve an explanation of what happened, after all, it wouldn't be fair…but can I really tell anyone? I don't feel as if I can, but I have to. But will they accept it? Damn it, they will, or at least Misato will. I know she'll listen. Hell, she'll probably ask why I'm back too, but this time, I'm ready to tell her. This time, I'm ready to open up…" the thoughts in his mind continued to trail on while he walked slowly, allowing the time between Asuka and Misato to carry on. He figured with the way Asuka was now, and how she handled the situation, it was best to let them talk it out and since Misato was Asuka's anchor, Shinji had to let her find some peace for the time. He didn't know what to think though, he wasn't sure whether or not anything would work out now.
"It's a risk, but like she said "the only way to ever find out is to do it…"" he thought to himself, breaking out into a confident stride.
It seemed as if slowly, for an instance Shinji had found his anchor to give him backbone this time, and he carried that triumphant look throughout his walk. Though, it seemed to lessen and lessen with every step the closer he got to the apartment. He had a feeling that this wasn't going to turn out like the masterpiece he hoped it would be. Sadly, with the way the apartment had looked it only made his suspicions grow more.
It had that unnerving gloomy and morose feeling to it, with the dark rooms and the signs of no life at all. Not even Pen-pen was running around or giving any "Sqwuak!" or anything. Sadly, it seemed as if not even Misato were up chugging beers and looking at something. Anything, something make the feeling lift….
He turned on the light into the apartment, finding the cake still sitting and untouched, the decorations still hanging. He felt a pang of guilt hit him harder than anything before. Did he have to come on this day? Any other day would've been better than this day. Still, he muttered to himself that he couldn't let it go on like this anymore, downhill and depressing.
"Well, I guess I'll start cooking something then…" Shinji muttered to himself, taking off his shoes and walking over to the kitchen, grabbing any fresh ingredients that he could find in the fridge. Vegetables…gone beyond the days of expiration. At least noodles were…nevermind…and the meat….well, let's just say you wouldn't want to see it.
"Damn it…alright, then I guess I gotta order ramen tonight." Snapped shinji with a low but audible voice and walking over the phone, dialing the number.
"Make that two! Glad to see you finally arrive Shinji…" said a cheery voice that caused Shinji to jump, turning around to see a purple haired maiden in front of him.
"Misato? You're still here? I thought that –," said Shinji while Misato interrupted him immediately.
"C'mon, I haven't had to work in ages, and there's no one to drink with…so I just stay home pretty much…and it's not that late yet." Said Misato while holding a beer in her hand, Shinji looking down at it and muttering "figures" under his breath, "anyways, order two of them, one shrimp and one for you k; I'm just starving that's all…after all we didn't even touch the birthday cake." she took a sip, and immediately Shinji took a big gulp out of nervousness. This wasn't going as well as he thought it would be.
"Right…anyways, how has it been Misato? I haven't talked to you in awhile…" stammered Shinji while Misato took another light sip of her beer, making sure she wouldn't get drunk so she could try and figure out everything that has happened lately, his life and most of all…why did he come back?
"Great thanks…alright, bye…" said Shinji, hanging up the phone and breathing a deep sigh. He turned to walk towards the kitchen, sitting at the table and preparing for the talk he and Misato were about to have.
"They'll be here with the food in 10 minutes Misato…" Shinji said blatantly, making Misato say something besides the typical "thanks" or "ok".
"So you know what I want to talk to you about then right?"
"Misato, everyone wants to know, everyone. I've been prepared."
"Shinji, she was hurting and you know it…"
"How could I know when no one opens up to me?"
"She tried, but in the end you let her down by running away again."
"There was a reason for it Misato, you wouldn't understand…"
"So you think that you can run away from anything, whether you have a good reason or not!" Misato said, slamming her beer down on the table beside the phone, Shinji sat down unperturbed and without looking her in the eye, "You left us without letting us know. You left us without letting us know why. And you know what? You left us when we needed you the most, you were a savior Shinji, a savior and you did this. Stop making the mistake I did and don't run away from anyone, whether it was your father or us. We're here for you Shinji, we're here for you."
"Misato…" stammered Shinji reverting back to his old self, Misato calling him out quickly with rage that he'd never seen before.
"Don't give me that Shinji, don't revert to your old self, you shouldn't have came back if you're still the same. I mean dammit, the least you would have done was have a reason to be here or changed." Said Misato with rage that sent shivers down Shinji's spine and seemed to leave him speechless; all this pent up rage made him wonder why he did come back after all, but assured himself he was where he was supposed to be.
"Misato, there was reason that I'm here, you don't understand. You never let me finish nor even gave me a chance to talk. You don't even know why I'm here in the first place…" said Shinji sitting there and looking back at Misato, square in the eyes.
If this was the old Shinji, he would've never taken a chance to stand up for himself, but this time, there was some earnestness in his voice, something Misato couldn't ignore.
"Then why did you come back?"
"I came back from hell Misato, a hell that taught me more things that I'd never thought I would learn…and there's a reason I'm back…"
She gave a cocky smirk, causing Shinji to relax more and gave Misato a way to break the tension between them.
"Tell me then Shinji, when you're ready to open up and let me know. I want you to know that I care for you, like I wish you would've known back then, back when everything was great and normal like a family."
"Misato, it was never like a family, no matter how hard we tried, but I'm willing to talk now, if it's one thing I learned from Tokyo-2, is that I "in order to know whether it was the right action or not, one must do the action", or at least give it some thought…" said Shinji, Misato giving him a warm smile to where it gave him more comfort and encouragement to go on.
"Well then Shinji, tell me about it, what's going on?"
"It's a story that can never be forgotten Misato, and one that'll show you the change and hell I've gone through…and it all started three years ago…"