A/N:
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
Here's my treat for you. A bit of lime might occur in this, to prepare yourself.
And sorry for the slow updates, real life caught up on me.
Edward gently scooped me up in his arms, making sure I was still securely wrapped in the blankets. For a moment I feared the nausea and dizziness from earlier would return but nothing came over me with the gentle, yet swift movements Edward's vampire grace provided him with. I leaned my head against his chest and rested there, enjoying what little time we might have left.
Of course the moment was over within second as I was gently placed on a couch with several pillows propped under my head to help me get comfortable. Edward quickly let go of me and seated himself on the furthest edge of the couch. For a long while we just sat there, both too embarrassed to speak. His hands lay lifelessly in his lap and he seemed so at peace with himself compared to me – I was fidgeting around, desperately attempting to get comfortable.
"Why did you leave me?"
"How could you even consider taking your own life?"
Our questions were equally heavy and no simply answer could be given to either. Silence reigned for a long time as I searched my mind for a believable answer. The only problem was, I wasn't certain I even had one.
"Ladies first," Edward finally said, leaving me as astounded as ever. Surely it was likely for him to be a gentleman but in a situation like this it was also the most inappropriate answer he could have given me.
"I don't think I ever intended to actually pull the trigger, I just needed answers," was all I could manage.
"Would you care to elaborate on that?" I sighed deeply and prepared for my doom. What I was about to say would hurt him beyond imaginable, it would cause him to blame himself for my misery. Just because I was a weak human who wasn't able to move on from a lost love.
"When you left me in the forest that day, Edward, you erased me," I could hear him breathe deeply but I refused to look at him, knowing that his pained expression would only make me stop. But I needed to get it off my chest.
"I know you wanted me to move on and throw myself at Mike Newton, but I'm weak, Edward, weaker than any other human. I just can't function without you. I grew numb to everything around me, for months I stayed out of everybody's way and soon they stayed out of mine. The only time I let myself feel anything was in the dark hours of night when I'd wake up screaming. I soon realized that I had been broken beyond repair," I took a short break to catch my breath. Then I continued:
"But truthfully I didn't mind the pain. It was the only reminder that you had ever been real as you so carefully stripped me off all other evidence. But the pain also gave me hope that one day you would return and the pain would vanish. But you never showed and I had to find other ways to keep you with me. So I broke my promise," Edward had stopped breathing altogether now.
"I found out that by breaking my promise to you, your voice would come to me. You would scold me whenever I was about to do something stupid or reckless. But that stopped, too and I slipped back into the darkness. That's when I decided there was only one solution." I stopped, holding my breath as I awaited his response.
"To take your own life?"
"I decided to, yes. Decided."
"Alice saw you," his words came out in a monotone voice but if he only knew what he had clarified for me, I doubted he would sound just like that.
My mood lightened tremendously when I realized what I had actually managed. To trick a vampire, who would have thought that could be possible? Especially for a human like me. I laughed heartily.
"I knew she would. And I also knew that you must have told her not to look for my future. But she was bound to see something this drastic and she was bound to call you. There was one thing she didn't see because I couldn't decide how to do it. But I never intended to carry out the plan," for the first time since I had started speaking I looked up and caught Edward staring at me. He quickly looked away. It stung a little.
"I just needed to hear your voice one last time; I needed to know that you were real. I can't live without you, Edward and if I'm meant to then I don't want to live at all. So I wanted to give you the one thing you always wanted from me," I kept staring at him as I spoke and slowly he turned his gaze back to me. The dimly lit room made it difficult to make out his facial expression but all that mattered in that moment was his presence.
"My blood," I finished, locking eyes with him one last time. Then I lay by head back and exposed my neck as much as possible. My heart spluttered and began to beat feverishly. My last moment was approaching, fast.
Memories flooded my mind then – each of them showing the Edward I had come to love with all my heart. Stolen glances in the school hallway, chaste kisses on the porch of my house before Charlie would yank the front door open and growl loudly, causing Edward and I to jump apart.
"Please," I whispered as another memory dulled my senses. Edward took my hand under the table in biology and held on to it throughout the entire lesson.
"Please, take it," I begged again as the Edward of my memories placed a gentle kiss on my neck right where my pulse was.
Something cool touched that exact same spot, causing me to gasp for air. My last breath.
But his lips only touched the spot lightly, and then he pulled away slowly and placed another fleeting kiss right below my ear. He continued this up my jaw line until finally his lips crashed with mine.
Just like that frenzy came over me. All the love I hadn't been able to feel and project onto anything for the past six months overwhelmed me instantly and I threw myself hungrily at him. My arms wound around his neck and my hands entwined themselves in his soft bronze hair.
This kiss was different from any other we had ever shared before. Hunger and lust ran through my veins and I felt every ounce of my body react to it. The oddity of our position seemed to come in the way and Edward gently pulled me closer to his chest. Every fiber in me screamed for more. I clung to him desperately, my arms losing their strength in the process but my raging hormones provided me with more emotional strength than I would have thought possible.
I let one of my hands drop from his hair and slide down to his muscled chest. There I placed it over his still heart and I could feel his muscles tense. With a gentle push I requested a change in position and Edward obeyed willingly. Slowly he leaned backwards, gently pulling me with him. Along the way I freed my legs and carefully straddled him as he pulled me further down and deeper into the heat of the kiss.
Never before had he let us get this far, always would he pull away before I even allowed my mind to wander further down that particular road. But this time everything was different.
At least I thought so.
Suddenly I could no longer feel his lips on mine. I cried out in remorse of the loss. But a short moment later his cool lips made contact with the soft skin at the hollow of my throat. I moaned in pleasure.
My hands knotted in his hair, pulling him back up to my lips, desperate for more. The pain that shot through my hand at this maneuver was dutifully ignored.
His lips crashed with mine again, just as eager as mine. I let go of all self-control and just plunged, head-first, into the kiss. Edward's hands rested on the small of my back, setting the skin underneath the cotton shirt on fire. I couldn't help but beg for more; and thus I tried to pull myself impossibly closer to his chest. Edward's respond was most welcome, one hand slid under the oversize shirt I was in and started tracing circles on my back. I shivered.
Once again longing for more, I unwound my fingers from his hair and instead started fumbling with the buttons of his shirt. Being as uncoordinated as I was in my human form it proved to be more difficult than anything I had ever attempted before. I was about halfway through with the task before I lost all patience with the process. So instead I yanked at the shirt, tearing the last few buttons off. They fell to the ground, creating unnecessary noise which caused Edward to chuckle into my mouth.
Greedily my hands started roaming across his perfectly muscled chest and abdomen. Normally I would never consider myself one of those crazy, hormonal teenagers but this time I don't think I was considering anything. Instead I just let my body respond to all the raging hormones.
Our kisses were usually soft, lingering and subtle whereas this one was feverish, passionate and lustful. Obviously craving this as much as I Edward gently tucked at the shirt I was wearing. The blankets had long since gone missing. I quickly caught what he was asking for, so I arched my back slightly, giving his fingers access to the buttons.
Of course being a vampire had more benefits than being annoyingly beautiful, graceful and perfect in every other aspect – they also had their perks when it came to the removal of inconvenient clothing items. Gracefully and at an inhuman speed, Edward had successfully opened every single button of the shirt.
Great.
Impatiently, I closed the gap between our bodies and let the feel of his naked torso against my own skin overwhelm me. Only my bra set the final barrier.
Our lips moved in perfect synchronization and my feeble fingers gently traced lingering patterns down his arms until they found their goal - the waistband of his jeans.
But before I had a chance to do anything, Edward had both of my wrists in a firm grip. Reluctantly he pulled them away and pinned them gently to my sides. I desperately attempted to keep kissing him, but the position I was now in made my mission impossible.
With a heavy sigh I pulled back, suddenly feeling exposed and vulnerable. Always did he have to be a gentleman. Always. If he could just let go this one time.
For a long time I just sat there limply, catching my breath. Slowly rejection washed over me, causing tears to well up in my eyes. Edward was still lying on his back with me half on top of him, so I quickly crawled off and curled up, face turned away from him.
"Bella," he whispered softly, touching my exposed shoulder. The touch set my skin ablaze once more and I inwardly cursed myself for being so hormonal. I whimpered.
"Don't you want me?" there was a hint of hysteria in my voice as I begged for comprehension. I felt a light weight shift on the couch. Edward sat directly behind me now, his hand still lingering on my shoulder. His other hand moved to my now tear-stained face and slowly turned me towards him. Resistance was not even an option.
His eyes, topaz, burning liquid, held an intensity and warmth that edged its way deep into my soul.
"Don't you want me?" I repeated my voice shaky. Pain flickered across his face and I'm sure the same memory ran through our minds.
"Of course I want you, Bella. More than anything," he answered sincerely.
"More than my blood?" I just needed to know.
"A thousand times more than your blood," he replied immediately.
Afterwards silence reigned. His words echoed in my empty head, seeping into every cell of my body. These were the exact words I had longed so desperately to hear six months ago. Briefly the only bit of common sense left in my head reminded me of one word that had inflicted the worst pain anyone could have ever experienced.
"Then why did you leave?" I pressed on, not sure if I really wanted to know the answer.
"Because I love you," he answered simply, honesty filling his now warm eyes.
"But that doesn't make sense. It never did," I protested.
"Sometimes love doesn't make have to make sense. Anything I ever did was out of love for you."
"But,.." he interrupted me.
"Only now I understand how ruefully wrong I was this entire time. Ever since I first met you I was changed. I became the most selfish, insufferable creature alive, wanting nothing more but to spend every moment with you. I thought I could be human for you, but when you were endangered by my family I realized that we were worlds apart. So I decided that a clean break would be the best and that I could be strong enough to stay away from you if I knew you were safe and happy. I wished for you to have a long human life, hoped you would move on." He paused, interpreting my reaction to his explanation.
"But I didn't…" I sobbed. "I can't, I won't."
"I can see that now and honestly I'm glad. Please believe me when I say this Bella: I love you with all that I am, all that I was and all that I ever will be."
"But you said…" my voice cracked then.
"I lied, love, I lied. There was no other way that you would let me go," as the realization swept through me, another wave of hysteria rolled over me, causing me to shaky involuntarily. All this suffering had been for a lie.
A lie.
Valentine's may be a joyous occation for some but for others, like me, it's just another Single's Awareness day. So help me lighten my mood by sending me some love (preferable in the form of reviews)