Chapter 2: Ranch Hands Are Sissies

With a new mask in hand, the salesman continued on his quest. However, although his pack was slightly fuller, his belly was not. So as his stomach continued to grumble, he came across yet another problem.

The salesman was lost.

Having hardly ever left Hyrule Castle Town, the salesman did not know the way to any major landmarks and villages. He could have been traveling in any direction and he would not have known it.

Understandably, this made the mask salesman angry. He resolved that once he found a town of any sort, he would buy a map. Whether this would help or not, the salesman did not know.

After a day or so of traveling, the salesman was exhausted. The only thing that kept him going was his hunger and his, albeit slightly waning, determination. He crawled across the land underneath a brutal sun while he dreamed of roast fish and cool water.

Suddenly, the salesman bumped into something, a something that was large and made of wood. He stepped back to see what it was and found that the something was part of a large sign that was hanging over head. The actual sign was supported by two wooden towers, much like the one he was facing a moment before. The sign read Lon-Lon Ranch in big bold lettering.

The salesman had never been to a ranch before. He was startled by the new scents of horses and alfalfa that he had suddenly become aware of. But that mask salesman did not pay any attention to them. What really caught his attention was another something that was dangling off the sign. It was shaped like the head of a standard cow, complete with little horns and a tiny bell that was hanging off it. The bell did not seem like part of the original ornamentation. The salesman immediately recognized it as another one of those fantastic masks, Romani's Mask!

"But what," the salesman wondered aloud, "is it doing here?"

The salesman's thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of a young girl approaching him. The girl looked to be about ten years of age. She had beautiful long red hair and engaging blue eyes. A very sincere smile lit up her face, a feature that made her seem very cute and innocent.

"Hello," the girl said. "My name is Malon! My father, Talon, owns this ranch!"

The salesman tried to reply, but he could only gurgle slightly as he lay wearily on the dirt road. This made the girl's expression turn to one of concern. "Oh, my!" she cried. "You seem terribly starving! Won't you come with me?"

And with that the salesman was led into ranch.

Moments later, he was presented with a bounty of food and plenty of milk to drink. He could have married the girl if it wasn't entirely inappropriate. As quick as a flash, he began to fill his belly with cheese, buttered bread, milk, and a strange concoction which seemed to be compromised of Lon-Lon Milk and alcohol.

The salesman asked Talon, the girl's father, about the drink. The man smiled benignly. "That's a special brew made by our cousins," he said. "It's called Chateau Romani. I usually don't like to drink it, but it's good for a little pick-me-up."

At the mention of the name "Romani", the salesman's finely tuned ears burned. "So," said the salesmanever so coolly, "The Romani's are your cousins?"

Talon nodded, still smiling. "They aren't actually cousins," he corrected himself, "but they are a sister ranch. I'd go so far as to say their milk is better, but we get more business. You see," he said, "they've had a problem with cow thieves." His smile faded slightly.

There was no doubt about it! That mask had belonged to that famous ranch, Romani Ranch! In that faraway land of Termina, it was said that aliens had stolen the cows away one by one. They had to sell an amazing amount of property to buy new cows. Why, the salesman reasoned, couldn't one of the "properties" have been that famous mask?

The salesman put on a smile. "I'm sorry to hear that. Did you get that…decoration on your sign from them as well?" he asked.

"Yes," said Talon. "That little girl, Romani, she's about my Malon's age. She has quite an imagination! According to her, she got that old thing from a grasshopper who helped out their ranch."

The salesman did not know anything about a grasshopper, but he was so happy at the prospect of adding a new mask to his collection that he didn't even care. "Might I buy that from you, sir?" the salesman asked politely. His smile grew even larger. "I'm a collector of sorts, you see."

Talon shook his head. "Oh, no, I couldn't do that! It's very valuable to us, emotionally," he said. "I'm sorry, but I won't let you buy it."

"I see," said the salesman regretfully. The smile was gone from his face. "I'm sorry for troubling you."

"Please spend the night here at our ranch," Talon said generously. "I'll set up a room for you."

And that was the end of the discussion.

The salesman was furious!

As he sat on a bale of hay in the stall that passed for a guest room, he puzzled and puzzled over how to get the mask he desired. He could not leave the ranch until he had it in his grasp. The ranch owner was not likely to give in to his request. What a stubborn man he was! No, there was only one thing for it.

The salesman was going to steal the mask.

Of course, the salesman reasoned. It wasn't really stealing. He was going to give it back. Eventually. He had to use it to make copies that he could sell to the public. After that was done, he would give it back to them.

Or perhaps he would give them a replica. He would decide that when the time came.

The salesman stayed up for hours and used his fantastic brain to think up a fantastic plan to get the mask. Then finally, at the stroke of midnight, he put that plan into action.

The salesman silently crept out of his "guest room" and went outside under cover of darkness. The ranch owner and his daughter were sound asleep and the only creature stirring was the ranch hand, Ingo. He was a tall spindly man with a bushy brown mustache and slightly insane eyes. He glanced around watchfully, but did not notice the salesman sneaking up behind him.

After judging the timing to be right, the salesman began to hum eerily in the darkness. Creeping closer behind Ingo, he increased his humming. He noticed that Ingo was becoming nervous and finally shouted out a loud "BOO!"

Ingo looked around and saw the most fearsome sight. A mass of pink hair, a glowing visage, the reflection of the moon in colorless eyes…it could only be some sort of monster! He panicked completely and ran screaming out of the ranch.

The salesman rejoiced. His plan had worked beautifully! He took off the Great Fairy's Mask, stowed into his sack, allowed himself one final laugh of triumph and proceeded to remove the Romani's Mask from the sign post in front of him.

Running top speed out of the area with another mask in tow, the mask salesman congratulated himself for having the foresight to also steal food from the ranch. He would not be hungry again for a long time.

Starving from hunger, the man found his way

To a mask tied with aliens, some people say.

He stole it that night from some friendly old simps

With only one thought later: Ranch hands are wimps!

AN: Comments? Questions? Suggestions for what masks I should use next? Please review and I'll be sure to reply.

I do not condone theft in any way. But we all knew the salesman is slightly insane, right?