Chapter 3: Grand Theft Ed-O
"CAUSE YOU'RE GOING DOWN!" Wally shouted into the sky. He stood still for several seconds, then blinked when he realized he had no plan whatsoever. "Well, I guess heading into town to buy some better stuff might be a good start..."
"Pictures taken instantaneously!" came a voice from above. Something suddenly hit the ground in front of Wally and sent dirt into his eyes. "I'm a photographic genius if I do say so myself! Get ready for an instant memory! Say Fuzzy Pickles!" Just as he finally finished rubbing the dirt from his eyes, a bright flash from a camera blinded him again. "Ah, what a heartwarming photograph. It will always bring back the fondest of memories! (and hopefully bring me a paycheck since I lost my school photographer job.)" And with that, the strange photographer disappeared again.
"I'm just gonna pretend that didn't happen." Wally said after rubbing his eyes. "Time to get moving!" A quick jog into town and a short shopping spree at the drug store later, Wally stepped on to the mean streets of Onett, with only a bat, a cheap bracelet, and his never give up attitude. "Now where did Atom Ant say I had to go first... Right! The Giant Step!" The Australian had a triumphant look on his face until he realized he forgot what a 'Giant Step' was. "Was it some kind of shoe store...? Meh, if I wander around long enough I'm sure it will come to me." he decided and took off in no particular direction.
Wally was strolling down the street with a walk animation reminiscent of a black and white Disney cartoon, complete with visible song notes. His merry stroll was being observed by three roguish fellows loitering around a street lamp. One of them was wearing a black ski hat with a solid red short sleeve and black cargo shorts. The biggest one had a mono-brow and a green jacket. The shortest one had his hair styled up into three strands in an obviously fake manner. He had a yellow striped shirt and jeans on. He was also holding a skateboard. The one thing the three hoodlums had in common were sleek black mirrored sunglasses.
"Hey guys, check it out: new pigeon." the short one said.
"You think Boss Eddie will promote us if we can grab this guys cash?" asked the sock headed one.
"Only one way to find out!" the one with the mono-brow declared.
"OK then. Follow my lead." the short one with the skateboard ordered. He mounted his board and the three took off towards Wally, who was still enjoying his brightly animated walk. He was knocked out of his vintage daze when the lead punk on the skateboard barreled into Wally and sent him stumbling into the dirt.
When he got up, he brushed off his clothes, then rolled his eyes when he got a look at his attackers. "Oh boy. And just who are you clowns?" he asked in an annoyed tone.
"You had better not be insulting us shorty!" the tall one said threateningly. "Do you even know who we are? We're part of the Eds, the baddest street gang in Onett! Now hand over all your cash now!"
"Don't...call...me...SHORT!" Wally shouted back. He grabbed his bat, gave it a few warm up swings and pointed it towards the punks. "You guys are going down!"
The three looked at each other with smirks. "GET HIM!" shouted the one wearing the sock hat, and they all charged forward.
Sock Head Jr., Skateboarding Scammer and Monobrowed Muscle attacked! The Skateboarding Scammer attacked first, thrashing radically on his board. Wally jumped over him, but before he could counter-attack, the Monobrowed Muscle put his hands together over his head and brought them down towards the Austrailian. Wally dodged again, but the Sock Head Jr. had finished shaking up a can of soda, and opened it right at Wally, blasting him in the face with the fizzy liquid and knocking him back. The Monobrowed Muscle charged towards our hero, and hit with a Smaaash!
Wally flew into a nearby dumpster, and the force of his impact caused the trashcan to fall over and spill its disgusting contents into the street. "Roight then. Now I'm mad!" he exclaimed while pulling himself up and picking the garbage off his clothes. It was then that he noticed something in the scattered trash. "A Cheeseburger? Who in their roight mind would throw out such a perfectly good Cheeseburger? Well, it's mine now!" he said while looking over the filthy fast food. He then promptly swallowed it whole, thoroughly grossing out the three hoodlums.
"Alroight weirdos, it's Round Q!" Wally shouted before charging back into battle. Not one to sacrifice power for finesse, the blond boy ran forward and headbutted the Sock Head Jr., knocking him out cold. When the Monobrowed Muscle came out him, Wally responded by slamming his bat into the ruffian's legs. He still wouldn't go down though. When he charged again however, Wally felt a strange feeling enter his mind. Instead of moving out of the raging punks path, our hero simply closed his eyes and pressed all ten of his fingertips to his cranium.
"PSI..." he chanted, on the verge of realizing a new power. "HYPNOSIS ALPHA!" he shouted, the words spoken with both his throat and mind. Multi-colored circles began to dance across the bigger kids eyes, and within moments, he was asleep on his feet. Wally began to smirk before knocking the napping nemesis out of his trance and out of the battle.
By now, the Skateboarding Scammer knew he couldn't win and was trying to sneak off quietly. Wally just grabbed him by the scruff of the neck. "Alroight wise guy, where's your boss hang out!" he demanded.
"I...in the empty lot, behind the arcade!" the punk stuttered out.
"Well you go tell him that Wallabe Beatles is gonna shut him down!" he said, then tossed the short punk into the air and smacked him with his bat, which sent him flying towards the very arcade Wally planned on taking down.
After a battling his way across down, a significantly stronger Wally opened up the doors of the arcade like an old west gunfighter heading into a saloon. The four or five Eds inside gave him a wide berth as he strode towards the back door of the arcade, which was being guarded by a particularly big Monobrowed Muscle, who somehow seemed less... fake then the other.
"Outta me way!" Wally shouted. "I'm here to see your boss and knock some sense into him!"
"HALT HERO!" Ed shouted. "Only those chosen by Master Darkness may speak with Eddie, for we have agreed to serve The Darkness in exchange for him not sucking our spleens out with garden hoses! Have at thee!" he rambled before drawing a large piece of sausage and swinging it all Wally as if it were a sword.
Wally, being nimbler and a smaller target, was able to hop over the incoming meat and onto the Ed-boy's head. He jumped down from Ed's head, then smashed his bat into the stupid kids back, soundly defeating the lumbering idiot.
"My head feels like it was trapped in the vice-arms of the Meddling Brood Mothers of Vilgax Nine, as seen in Strange Tales #71." Ed rambled while rubbing his head. He then looked at Wally like this was their first meeting. "BOWL HEAD! You have to help my friends! The evil Darkness has consumed the minds of Eddy and Double D, forcing them to serve his evil will. YOU HAVE TO HELP THEM!" he rambled while violently shaking the Australian hero.
"I might if you would LET GO OF ME ALREADY!" Wally shouted back, and Ed began to sob tears of joy.
"THANK YOU SO MUCH!" he exclaimed. "You are like a little orange chicken that fights evil."
"Yeah... whatever." Wally muttered while walking out the back door to face the boss.
The boss was a short kid, not much taller then Wally, wearing a sleek red suit, the same slick sunglasses as the rest of his gang, and with the same haircut as the Skateboarding Scammers (with the notable difference that his hair grows into the unique cut naturally.) He sizes up Wally as the Australian gets closer.
"So you're the one who's been messing with my gang." Eddy began. "I've heard of you from some of my accomplices. Name's Wally, right? You know, you remind me a lot of me before I hit the big time: just a misunderstood outcast trying to make his way in the world, am I right? Me and my two best friends used to pull the stupidest of scams, and for chump change no less! Of course, that all changed the day Ed found the Evil Mandy Mandy Statue."
"The evil what now?" Wally asked, confused by the odd revelation.
"The Evil Mandy Mandy Statue. It's this wierd gold statue of an evil looking little girl with hair shaped like horns and glowing red eyes." Eddy elaborated. "Big Ed dug it up while we were preparing our latest scam. Let me tell ya something: that thing might have been ugly, but ever since we found we've been batting a thousand! Every scam we pulled worked perfectly and the cash was just rolling in! Then, people started showing up at my house, saying they want to work for me! Work FOR me!" he exclaimed with joy.
"We ditched the small time swindles and started pulling bigger and better jobs. More and more followers flocked to my banner, and the police were totally powerless!" Eddy boasted, more to himself then Wally, who was just waiting for the whole thing to end. "The the best day of my life came around: Some guy blew in from Twoson and bought the Evil Mandy Mandy Statue from me for 5,000 big one! Until I found that thing, I never pictured myself owning 50 dollars! That's when I knew we had to expand! The Eds were ready to dominate the whole world baby!" Eddy finally finished.
"Anyway, you're a tough kid, and you could help us break trough the police roadblocks and spread my gang. So, do you want in?" Eddy offered.
"Forget it! Even if I wasn't already on a mission to save the world, I would never join a sleazeball like you!" Wally shouted back, getting ready for battle.
Eddy got a wicked grin on his face as a beam of sunlight reflected of his mirrored shades. "Suit yourself kid. But don't say I didn't offer." he replied while reaching into his suit pocket. When his hand emerged, it was gripping a switchblade. Eddy flicked it open and sliced forward at Wally.
"Holy crud!" Wally exclaimed in shock. "I thought you were just gonna try and beat me up! What's with trying to murder me!"
"Should've just joined the winning side when you had a chance kid." Eddy replied while taking another swing. This one nicked the blond kid on the arm, to which Wally responded by smashing his bat across Eddy's face.
"Crud that hurts!" Wally seethed while placing his hand over the wound. "PSI LifeUp Alpha!" he spoke while willing the wound to close. He focused intensely, and the power of PSI restored him to full strength.
Eddy had just gotten back on his feet and was readjusting his now cracked sunglasses. Realizing he would not last long against an opponent with both superior physical strength and strange powers, he took a gamble and tossed the knife right at Wally's head.
Wally noticed the oncoming blade, and at the last second moved his bat in front of his head so that the knife dug into the wooden bat instead of Wally's bone skull. The blond boy then dropped the bat and slugged Eddy right between the eyes, shattering his shades and taking out some teeth. "Give up yet?" Wally asked in a taunting manner.
"I still got one last trick left." Eddy said in a pained voice. "DOUBLE D, NOW!" he shouts as the rather large bush behind him begins to shake, before being totally blown apart by a strange, treaded machine built out of junk. "Meet the Eddystein Mark II!" It had a "face" built to resemble Eddy, and two robotic arms on both sides. In between the arms and below the face is a glass panel, through which a physically frail boy in a sock hat can be seen operating the device. "We used the money from selling the Evil Mandy Mandy Statue to finance this little number's construction. My plan is to use it to smash through the cop's roadblocks, but since Double D says we need to test it, I guess you'll be the first victim!"
For several seconds, the robot did nothing while Wally munched on a cookie. Then, a burst of steam shot out of the machine as it charged forward and rammed into Wally. "Take THIS!" the hero replied while striking back in anger. His fury filled blow managed to crack the glass window while the robot just sat and did nothing.
Then, it released more steam and charged again. Ready for the attack this time, Wally rolled out of the way successfully. He then counter-attacked by smashing in the robot/tank's right set of treads, severely hampering the machine's mobility.
"NOT GOOD! NOT GOOD!" raved Double D in panic. Inside the tank, he was desperately pushing every button and pulling every leaver in an attempt to make the robot work. Suddenly, a tapping on the glass caught his attention. It was Wally, and he was aiming his bat at the already cracked window. "Not good." Double D muttered quietly, and a few seconds later the Eddystein Mark II was scrapped.
Eddy was on his knees, the weight of being a failure again weghing down on him like a stone. "Well, you beat me kid. Just hand me over to the police and put an end to my doomed efforts to be importent." he said dejecdedly, holding his arms out as if to await handcuffs.
"Wait Eddy!" came a familiar voice.
"Ed!" Eddy and Edd said together as the third member of the group came running out. The large, smelly kid then ran up and crushed his friends into a bear hug.
"I am so happy to see that bowl head managed to free you from the evil of The Darkness!" he cheered.
It was then that Wally remembered what Atom Ant has said about The Darkness using its evil to corrupt people and animals. "You know what Eddy, I'm not gonna turn you in. But you better stop making trouble or I'll come back!" he said in a tough tone. He did still have a reputation to maintain.
"You hear that Eddy? We can finally get a clean start!" Double D exclaimed.
"You're right Double D, our scamming days are over. It's time we get actual jobs." Eddy replied. He then turned to Wally. "Thanks a lot kid, you've really helped us out. I'll make sure the other don't cause any more trouble. If you ever need a place to crash, come on by to my place. You're welcome there anytime."
"I'll be sure to remember that Eddy." Wally said in a friendly tone. "Well, I gotta get going for now. Do any of you know where Giant Step is by the way?"
"Giant Step is up in the hills of Onett." Double D answered. "To get there, you'll need to go through the Traveling Entertainers shack. It was locked by the police chief because of our actions, but I'm sure you could convince him to unlock it now that we're reformed."
"Got'cha. And Eddy?" Wally said, causing the former gang leader to look up at him. "Nice meeting you." He then picked up his bat, dusted off his clothes, and headed off.
"Nice meeting you too Wally."
Author's notes: A couple things to explain here. First off all, in Earthbound you can find food which will restore your health in trash cans. In the game, they're Hamburgers, but I used Cheeseburgers because of that KND episode with the giant asparagus.
In Earthbound, the Evil Mani Mani Statue (changed to Evil Mandy Mandy Statue here for obvious reasons) is first encountered earlier on, but the idea of using it to explain Eddie's (playing Frank Fly) extreme corruption was just too good to pass up.
As for why Ed is the only one who realizes The Darkness is corrupting him and his friends? Let's just say that having a mind rotted to the core by horror movies and sci-fi comics has a few benefits. Not many, but a few.
So read and review!