In Pirate speak, there is a certain phrase which sends fear into the hearts of even the bravest volunteers. That phrase is "walk the plank".
I wish I could tell you that to "walk the plank" meant something safe, such as "standing on a gymnastics balance beam with your eyes closed" or "tightrope walking while carrying a sixty five pound bag of flour". However, the meaning is neither of these wonderful things to do, and instead refers to being bound, blindfolded, beaten, and forced to walk off the edge of a ship, where the sharks below will have a Very Fine Day and cause you lots of Tsuris.
The people most known for forcing people to "walk the plank" are Pirates, as they are notoriously sadistic - two words which here mean "well known for being extremely cruel".
As you know, the Baudelaires were being held at gunpoint in a clearing on an island in the middle of the North Atlantic, without the faintest idea of what was about to happen.
The Baudelaires placed their hands on their heads and turned around, got a good look at their captor, and noticed four things about her.
The first thing they noticed, aside from the gun, was that the person was a teenage girl.
The second was that her clothes clashed horribly.
The third was that she was clearly a Pirate, as her half of her teeth were rotten, and her face, which once may have been beautiful, was horribly scarred.
The fourth was that she obviously was captain, due to her clothes.
She was dressed in a long white coat with blue trim and gold epaulets, a grass-green skirt, Sky-blue belt, traffic cone orange tights, and Tyrian purple leather boots. At her right side hung a large brass key, and on her left side hung a cutlass - a word which here means a large sword with one edge and a fancy hand guard. Over her left shoulder hung a brown leather bag. In her left hand was a pearl-handled seven-barreled revolver, pointed at Beatrice's head.
"Move in frront," she said. "Marrch to te sip."
As the Baudelaires moved in front of the Pirate, Violet began thinking of a way to escape, as her hair was still tied up. Unfortunately, the Pirate saw the ribbon in Violet's hair and ripped it out, putting it in her coat pocket.
Klaus was thinking of withdrawing his spyglass from his pocket, using it as a club, and fighting the Pirate, but he didn't know anything about fighting with a spyglass. The Pirate then stuck her hand into Klaus' pocket, and before he could do anything, she had removed his Variable Function Device, and put it in her pocket as well.
Violet looked behind her, at the young man lying face up on the ground.
"What about that man on the ground?" She asked. "What are you going to do with him?"
The Pirate looked at Arnold.
"Tat man?" She asked. "Oh, he die anyvay. I soot him last night, he take long time to die. Ven he die, I take his fancy coat."
She eyed the coat hungrily, almost as if she was going to die if she didn't get it.
Arnold didn't reply. Instead, he lifted his head, groaned, opened his hand, and touched the forefinger to the thumb. Then, he groaned again and faked losing consciousness.
The Pirate seemed to swallow the bait, hook, line, and sinker, a phrase which here means fell entirely for this simple trick. She turned to face the Baudelaires.
"You vil now marrch, slowly, to my sip," She announced. "Eef you don't, I vil rrun you troo vit my sworrd. Now, beegin!"
The Baudelaires began to slowly march back down the trail through the trees. Each one immediately began to think of possible ways to escape this new peril. Violet thought of things that she could invent, but as she did not have her ribbon, it was nearly impossible. Klaus began to recall books he had read about Pirates and what they did with their captives but drew a blank. Sunny thought about recipes for poisons, foods that make you fall asleep, and for foods that cause you to be distasteful to sharks. Beatrice was too young to completely understand what was going on, but knew that the woman behind them was very bad and deserved to be hurt.
Immediately, Beatrice knew what she needed to do. She screamed as loud as she could, which was loud enough to cause the captain to drop her gun and cover her ears. Beatrice jumped out of Klaus' arms and clawed the Pirate's face with her tiny but extraordinarily sharp fingernails.
Klaus picked Beatrice up again, the Baudelaires took the advantage and ran for it, hoping to get back to the boat and hide.
They broke through the trees back onto the beach, only to find a dozen more pirates waiting for them, all with tranquilizer darts in their hands.
"Stop, tem, you eembeciles!" Came the voice of the captain from behind them. "Tat eevil baby has loud voice and a sarrp feengerrnails. Ve must knock tem out and cut herr nails and gag herr so se cannot deestrract us ven ve arre having fun. Eef tey do eenterrupt us, tey vil valk te plank."
The pirates kept their darts trained on the Baudelaires, but looked at the captain. One pirate, who seemed to be the first mate, squeezed her left shoulder as if feeling an old scar. Another, who seemed to be the boatswain, rubbed her right temple as if she had a splitting headache.
"Trrow te darrts," ordered the captain.
The last thing the children remembered before they blacked out, was feeling the prick of a needle and losing control of all the muscles in their bodies.
My niece stopped telling the story.
"Uncle Lemony," she whispered. "The man in the tan suit and the woman in the green dress. They've been listening to every word we said." She reached into her shoulder bag and pulled out a pure black spyglass engraved with the initials JS on the grip. She opened it up, rotated several dials, and whispered into my ear "look away."
A flash lit up the bar, there was a loud bang, and my niece grabbed me by the hand and led me out.
"Don't let them catch you!" She screamed. "I'll find you again later!"
I looked behind me, and, sure enough, the man and woman from the bar were chasing me. I opened up a manhole tunnel entrance, dove inside, and locked it behind me. I wondered where I would meet young Beatrice again, and if I even would. But if she had survived half a year on her own, I reasoned, she probably, with a little luck, wouldn't have to walk the plank again.
The Finnish accent has been imitated in writing for your increased enjoyment. Please give as much feedback and constructive criticism as possible. Thank you.
HannibalBarca out.