To Find The Sea
Part I: The Cruelest Month
Normandy SR-1, Amada
The ship's visceral, monstrous wail rings in my ears, as the hull rips open. I hear one of the engineers list off the damage to the CIC. Anyone who had been on that deck is now gone. I do not want to count how many that may have been.
I fasten the latch on my helmet. My body is remembering its training. My mind relinquishes its control to the memory in my muscles.
A power surge courses through a nearby console. Flames leap from the equipment; supply crates topple over onto two of our newest technicians. They are being crushed. They are burning. But only one of them is shrieking. I fight back the blaze as best I can with the fire extinguisher. The other crewmembers rush to the lift the crates.
"Jenny! Jenny!"
"She's gone. Her skull's been smashed. We've got to move."
"Garza's legs," one of them points to the mangled limb. "We've got to get him up."
I motion for them to help me get him onto my back. The skin on one of his arms is charred black. Blood drenches the collar of his uniform. I will get him to the evac shuttle in time. But he will lose a lot of blood. He may not live long enough for rescue.
The bodies of our fallen brethren are in our path. I want to look at them, identify them, close their horror frozen eyes, and give them one last moment of dignity before I abandon their corpses to the devastation. But there is no time. My legs will not falter.
I see Ashley running toward me. She helps me guide the dying man into the cramped quarters of the shuttle.
"My boy…Andrew…daddy loves you, daddy loves you," he repeats over and over as we buckle him into his safety harness.
"Joker is still in the cockpit," Ashley tells me. There is fear in her face, but I can see it quickly dissolving into something else.
I nod. I am going after him. I will not give her a chance to stop me. I order her to secure the rest of the survivors. I do not need to reassure her. She knows.
I cross the exposed part of the upper deck. I control the pace of my breathing as my boots hug the quaking scraps of metal. I will myself not to see the planet this hulking thing I once called my home will inevitably crash on. I do not see the vast darkness all around us.
I pass through the kinetic seal. I hear Joker's frustrated vows.
"I can still save her!" he insists.
I am not listening. I grab him roughly by the arm and twist him around to face me. He does not meet my gaze. He is looking past me.
"Oh God…they're coming around for another attack!"
He makes no resistance as I hoist him to his feet. I feel a crack through the gloves of my hard suit, and I know I have just broken the bones in at least two of his limbs. He winces with every breath, sweat is pouring down his face. His ribs are broken too.
We are only a few feet away from the last shuttle. I slam my fist into the controls and the doors open. I throw him inside.
"This is not your day to die," I scold him.
I am lunging toward the opening when a blast thrusts us apart. The force pulls me backwards. No, no, no.I desperately cling to what's left of the ship's structure. I can do this. My fingers struggle to find a grip. I just need to get a little closer. My arms cannot hold. I am so close. Another blast and I tumble out into nothing. I am lost.
I think I am screaming. I feel the pressure in my suit rise. My hands reach toward the back of my neck. It is happening. I feel the rupture. 90 seconds.
I have 90 seconds to think of my crew. 90 seconds to think of our failed mission. 90 seconds to laugh at the universe's cruel joke. 90 seconds to think of the places I've never seen. 90 seconds to think of the last man I slept with. 90 seconds to ask forgiveness of the God I had forgotten. 90 seconds to remember all the soldiers I have ever lost under my command. 90 seconds to forgive myself. 90 seconds to conjure up the fading memory of my father's face. 90 seconds to remember my last words.
It is my day to die.