Title: Why can't I have a normal girlfriend?!

Rating: M (to the max) Eventually at least lol I'm enjoying the parts leading up to it :)

Warnings: Still no sex in this chapter yet possible sexual situations next chapter but probably not the actual sex yet.[sorry about the wait on the sexual stuff but I'm having trouble figuring out how to write the sex when this story is in Steph's POV and I usually write sex in the first person, I'm thinking about pulling one of those 'and I'm not sure how to tell the next part so I'm gonna hand the story telling over to Ranger/Morelli for this chapter' but let me know what you think about that

There will be sex between two men in a slightly forced situation (no rape but... still not quite consensual...) There will be a lot of "the f word" going around I think. And there will be a lot of Naked Ranger. And Naked Morelli. But I think Naked Ranger is more dangerous... You might melt from the hot flashes... ;)

Spoilers: I don't think there are any direct spoilers in this chapter either...

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Twenty minutes later, Lula was finally coming around and Jeanne Ellen was walking back down the driveway for the second time.

"Wha' happened?" Lula breathed looking dazed.

"You passed out when we got back to the van after the rabid raccoons chased us." I told her.

"I have good news and bad news." Jeanne Ellen announced when she got back to the van.

"Good news is, the cabin is now entirely pest free and only waiting for us to set it up to our purposes."

We all looked at her, waiting for the bad news.

"The bad news…. I don't know what to do with the dead bum."

Rangers shoulders started to shake again and Morelli began to bang his head back against the side of the car.

"Why can't I have a normal girlfriend?! Why do I have to love the girl who kidnaps men and has friends who murder innocent bums?!"

My eye began to twitch slightly.

"Girlfriend?!"

His head stopped banging and he looked at me strangely.

"…yes? Unless you went to Mexico and are now my boyfriend? Should I call you Stephan now?"

I felt my face heat up and gave up on deep breathing.

"Well I got news for you Cupcake" I said scathingly, "We're not dating anymore, how's that?! Now you don't have a crazy girl who may or may not have gone to Mexico as your girlfriend and Bob can just go take care of his own damn MISSING me next time he misses me cause I sure as hell aint coming over to your place anymore!"

"Okay Stephan." Morelli sneered at me then turned to Ranger, "And quit your fuckin' LAUGHING!"

And he bit Ranger on the shoulder again. Ranger jumped like he had last time and turned his head to stare at me.

"Your as of now ex-boyfriend just bit me again babe. You might want to get that checked out."

Morelli let out a howl and began flailing at him, "And quit calling her Babe you stupid batman wannabe!"

Everyone froze and watched the spectacle. Ranger was doing his best to avoid the flailing appendages but being handcuffed around the owner of said flailing appendages, it was understandably rather difficult.

"Babe, your Italian Stallion has lost it." Ranger called to me over the chaos that was Morelli.

"I SAID STOP CALLING HER BABE!"

We all collectively turned away from the scene.

"Wow." Lula said.

"That pretty much sums it up." I agreed.

"Uh guys, I hate to be a downer but we have a dead bum in the cabin and time is wasting!" Jeanne Ellen reminded us.

"I have another idea…" I said. It was crazy and dangerous but it just might work.

I walked back over to the van and watched the shoulder fight for a moment, waiting for my opening. When Ranger finally head butted Morelli I saw my chance. Ranger'd had to lean forward to hit Morelli's head and this had exposed his back pocket where the bulge of a cell phone was clearly defined. Morelli was slumped back against the side of the van unconscious so I silently climbed into the van and pressed myself against Ranger's back.

I had to practice deep breathing again when I remembered how bad it was to provoke Ranger like this but I had no other choice. He'd jumped slightly at first contact and stayed tense as he glanced back over his shoulder at me.

"What are you doing babe?"

I smiled to mask my nerves and leaned in close to his ear and whispered in what I like to think was a sexy whisper, "That was a nice head bang, superhero."

I felt his body shiver a little then saw him smirk, "It was alright, but my other head bangs better."

My eyes widened and my heart started to beat a million miles above stroke level. See what I meant about it being bad to provoke him? He's better than me at this!

He laughed softly when he saw how flustered I was and I forced my heart to slow down and get back to business.

"I know it does." I murmured, looking up at him through my heavily mascara'd eyelashes with as innocent an expression as I could manage. He had time to raise one eyebrow in surprise and I had time to shout at myself that this was crazy and would never work before I leaned in and planted one right on him.

After a moment of trying to pull away he started kissing back and everything started spinning, I'd forgotten to take how amazing he was at kissing into consideration before I'd started this plan. Plan… I know there was a plan here but I just can't seem to remember what it was… Mmm Ranger…

There was a slight groan from my left and Ranger tried to back away a little murmuring something about Morelli. Sure enough I peeked out of one eye and saw Morelli shifting a little with his eyes still closed.

Shit! I hadn't gotten the phone yet! I pushed myself forward to Rangers lips again and he gave me look that said he thought I was crazy.

"What do you want, Morelli to kill us?" he asked muffled against my lips.

I stroked my hand down his back, towards his pocket, sensuously and his eyes slid shut as he went back to kissing my brains away. Focus, I told my brain angrily and I continued sliding my hand down his back till it reached his back pocket. I made the pretense of groping his ass while I slipped my hand into his pocket.

My fingers closed around the phone's antenna and the Halleluiah chorus broke out in my head complete with little angels and harps. He bit my lip and I almost let go of the antenna.

"What the…" came a startled voice from our left.

I sprang away from Ranger and he shifted as far away from me as he could looking at the now awake and pissed off Morelli than at me again. Then his gaze snapped to the phone still grasped in my hand.

"Did you just steal my phone?!" Ranger asked incredulously.

He craned his neck back and tried to get a glimpse of his back pocket.

"Did you just make out with my girlfriend?!"

Ranger and I shouted at him at the same time.

"SHE MOLESTED ME AND STOLE MY PHONE YOU FUCKING SINGLE-MINDED MORON!"

"I'M NOT YOUR GODDAMNED GIRLFRIEND ANYMORE!"

Morelli looked from one of us to the other then turned his glare on Ranger, "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

Ranger stared at him, then the phone I was still holding.

"Are you forgetting that the phone she's holding was our only way out?" He reminded him blankly.

"Well she wouldn't have gotten the goddamned phone if you hadn't made out with her!" Morelli growled back.

"I already told you! She started it!"

"Well obviously! She was doing it to steal your phone!"

They glared angrily at each other for a minute and I decided now would be a good time to sneak out.

"And where the hell do you think you're going with my phone?" Ranger demanded.

"We're calling Tank to get rid of the body…"

"Tank won't get rid of any bodies without my express permission."

"He'll believe me when I say you told me to call him then took off, leaving me with your cellphone because mine exploded."

"Your cellphone didn't explode."

"Yeah but anyone would believe it did if I told them it did. My things explode all the time."

"…"

"What?!"

"Babe…"

I growled and leapt out of the van, slamming the door and stalking back to the small group of conspirators.

There was shouting coming from the van and it was rocking wildly. I flipped open the phone and called Tank.

"…"

"Tank?"

"Bombshell?"

"Yeah. I have a problem."

"What's up?"

"Well Lula may or may not have killed a bum on account of he scared her and now we need to get rid of the body."

"I'm gonna need Ranger's clearance on this."

I glared toward the van, "Look Tank. I'm not having a very good day. Lula killed someone, I got attacked by a mutant rat and several rabid raccoons, and my phone was destroyed. Ranger just left me here with his cellphone and told me to call you to get rid of the body. Isn't the fact that I have his cellphone clearance enough?!"

"Well… I suppose I could bring Cal out and we'll collect the body. Where are you guys?"

"The lake just outside Tinnelon."

"Isn't that Jeanne Ellen's place?"

"Yes…"

"Better hope she doesn't catch you, she hates you."

"She's with us."

"You're one of a kind Bombshell."

"Is that all?"

Click

"Alright guys, Tank is on his way." I announced to the other women.

Everyone stared at me. Jeanne Ellen smacked herself in the forehead, "What the hell did you call that big oaf for?!"

"Hey! I'm takin' offense for that there remark! Tank aint no oaf!" Lula interrupted.

"Ranger's Merry Men are the only guys I know of that can make a dead body disappear in minutes. Which is what we need." I explained.

"Don't you think Ranger'll make a racket so Tank will find him?"

I grinned deviously, toted my grandmother over to the van, and put her in the front seat. I gave her my stun gun and a stern look.

"Grandma I want you to make sure the boys stay absolutely silent when Tank gets here. If they make any sort of move towards alerting him to their presence I want you to stun them."

"You can count on me! I'll show these boys how to stay quiet!"

And she reached out and tagged Morelli on the arm with the stun gun.

"Grandma! What are you doing?"

"I didn't think it was on I was just aiming to scare him a little… Well that's pretty dang cool…"

And she reached out and tagged Ranger in the arm with it too. Ranger'd tried to scuttle out of reach but with Morelli as dead weight he couldn't move quite far enough.

"Think I can get Ranger undressed before he wakes up?"

I closed my eyes and counted to ten. Sometimes my grandmother was a trial. I took a deep breath and shrugged at her.

"You can try, but if either of them start to wake up you better tag them again because if they wake up while you're taking their clothes off they're bound to scream… Leave their underwear on if you can control yourself enough, okay?"

And I left them at her mercy. I know I'm a horrible person but Tank was gonna be there at any minute!

Lula was staring at the van in horror.

"You sure it's a good idea to leave her in there with them?!"

"She'll keep them quiet…"

"That aint what I was talkin' about!"

I shrugged and turned towards the road Tank's black SUV was entering from.

He got out and strode over to us with his hands in his pockets.

"Where's the body?"

I pointed up towards the cabin and he started walking up the path to the door, Cal following behind him with a big black bag.

Minute's later they were back, dragging the big black and now full bag behind them. They tossed it in the trunk and Cal hopped back into the car. Tank was angling himself back into the drivers seat when a piercing scream came from the van. After two seconds it was cut off abruptly and we all stared at the van in shock.

Tank looked from us to the van and back to us.

"Maybe I should go take a look in that van…" He said slowly.

"NO!" All three of us shouted.

He jumped and looked back at us, "Why not?"

"It's… My grandma…" I didn't need to say anymore judging by the look on his his face and the way he was edging back towards his SUV.

"WHAT THE-"

We all looked over at the van again as another shout was cut off.

Tank looked from me to the van and back again, "That sorta sounded like Ranger..."

He shifted towards the van again reluctantly.

"She's watching porn."

Who said that?! That wasn't me was it? Oh dear god tell me I didnt just say that. Everyone was staring at me in horror. Whoops...

Tank looked like he was watching a car crash but he wasn't running away like I needed him to before Morelli woke up again so I decided to try and make it worse.

"Bondage porn. With two men. One of them actually looks just like Ranger, go ahead and see for yourself!" I smiled invitingly at him.

He looked sick as he turned, jumped into the car, and peeled away.

I walked over to the van and shouted to my grandma, "We're coming in Grandma get back in the front seat and come on out!"

The front door opened and my grandma hopped out looking rather flushed.

"Oh my, that Ranger fellow sure is hung like a horse isn't he!"

A/N::.. Yay part three up! Hope this one was as funny as the others :) Feed the author reviews and she'll get you another part soon :D