After Shrek woke up he made himself some terrible breakfast, which consisted of grape juice and toast burnt to black. Shrek liked that the food was dark, but he was too emo to be happy that it was a dark color. After breakfast Shrek found his passed out drunk wife Fiona laying on the back porch. He then dragged her back into the hut and shoved her into a closet. After dusting off his hands, Shrek decided that he was going to dye his wig. Shrek then got on his shrektacular skateboard and skated down to the post office, because those still exist. He opened the door to the small square building and went inside.
"Ah, Shrek nice to see you again," said a deep voice from behind the counter.
Shrek smirked his black lips and looked to see his old ex, Ugly Step Sister. "It's almost nice for me to see you to." Shrek looked sideways at the deep throated creature before him. "You know I still don't know if you have a penis?" She looked at Shrek and shrugged as if she was asked this a lot.
Doris changed the subject by asking, "I noticed that there was some hair dye shipped in today and I know you're the only creature in a billion mile radius that would buy hair dye off the internet." Shrek nodded his ogre head in agreement, Step Sister then left the small room and brought back a small black box and set it on the counter. "I still don't get why you don't directly ship to your house."
Shrek got a far away look in his deep brown eyes, "I don't want people seeing me in my muddy swamp like I'm some sort of monster." Ugly Step Sister arched a heavily penciled eyebrow and made her away from around the counter and to a small bulletin board near the door. She ripped off a piece of paper off the board and handed it to Shrek. Shrek looked down and noticed that it was a poster for the town's annual talent show. Shrek hissed like a cat and dropped the paper as if it was the devil. "I can't do that!"
"Why not?"
"Well because...because... I don't have a talent."
Sure you do you have a lovely singing voice and some pretty superb dancing skills."
"I don't want to show off in front of none emos, they wouldn't understand the effort and art put into my interpretive dance."
"JUST DO IT. The prize money is one hundred dollars."
Shreks eyes bugged out of his sockets, "Wow, that is a ton of money." Being an ogre with out rights Shrek thinks that anything over $20 is a lot of money. "I might do it for the money, because I need to buy some new edgy clothes for my live streams. Last night I had four people watching me at the same time so I'm steadily growing in popularity. All right then I'll do it."
"Fine I hope you don't die, also I'll be filming this whole thing. Then again, you'd probably be happy if you died. You'll need to register and I hope I'll see you in the show this Friday." Shrek called the number on the poster from his skull sticker covered cracked flip phone and registered for the horrible talent show. Shrek secretly hoped deep down in his shriveled misguided heart that people would like his performance.
End of Chapter Three