The next morning was awkward. Harry awoke to a woman draped over him, naked as the day she was born, and him the same. He slipped out of bed and padded to the kitchenette, frying up some eggs skillfully.

Just before he finished with enough for two, Bellatrix Lestrange limped into the kitchenette as well.

They were both still without clothes.

There was a silence that neither would break, despite the sense that something needed to be said.

Harry and Bellatrix finished their eggs, before Bella finally spoke.

"You got me." she said.

Harry blinked. "What?" he said.

"I said, You got me. You were... and you cooked breakfast after?"

Harry felt strangely like he could anticipate what she was going to say.

"I'm yours." she said softly.

"Bugger me." he whispered.

She met his eyes. "Really?"

He sighed.

Meanwhile in Britain, The Order of the Phoenix had exhausted all avenues.

"Voldemort has said nothing?" Dumbledore asked sharply.

Snape shook his head. "The Dark Lord has not mentioned Potter. There had been plans to collect him when the wards fell, but they never came about." he sneered. "The brat probably ran off and got himself attacked by a wild animal."

Dumbledore didn't respond to the comment. "Is he planning anything else?"

"Not that I know of. Bellatrix Lestrange has been noted missing for a while. He has not mentioned her circumstances, just that she was going to be on a long term assignment."

"Probably looking for Harry." Dumbledore muttered.

The room was silent. Dumbledore turned to the members of the Order who had just been sitting silently until then. "Bill? Any news on Harry's vault in Gringotts?"

"The Goblins won't say. I'm just a curse breaker, but I have heard from some of my friends that someone that looked like Harry was seen in the bank a while ago. The Potters are rich, so he could have enough for anything he wants to do if it was him."

Dumbledore nodded. It was well known that, though the Potters never had a seat on the Wizengamot, their family was old and they had a habit of doubling their fortunes every generation. The interest alone, if put in a Muggle bank, would have Harry never going below what he put in.

"Has anyone recieved a letter from him?" Dumbledore asked.

All present shook their heads, and Dumbledore scowled in worry. A owl swooped into the room, landing on Dumbledore's head and dropping a letter in his lap, before taking off again.

"That was Hedwig!" Hermione cried out.

Dumbledore lifted the letter to read the address.

It only read his name.

He opened it, and unfolded a piece of parchment.

The old man slid some glasses on his face and dictated the letter for them to hear.

Dear Headmaster,

I fucked Bellatrix Lestrange.

Cheers,

Harry Potter

The room stayed silent for a few moments. The Weasley twins laughed, and soon half the room was giggling. The Headmaster tried to keep a stern frown, but his cheeks quivered and his eyes were twinkling. The few who weren't laughing were scandalised. Mrs. Weasley being chief among them.

The room quieted after a few more minutes, though Snape's surly face kept bringing a few chuckles back.

"I suppose we will assume that this letter is a sign of his safety and... health." Dumbledore remarked. "I don't quite know what the implications could be."

The room eclipsed into a stunned and awed silence. What did it mean that he had, possibly, had relations with Bellatrix Lestrange? Was he in trouble? Had he been imperiused? Was he safe? Did Voldemort know? Why Bellatrix? Did this have to do with Sirius?

The room broke into chatter as everyone tried to discuss their theories. Snape decided this was just a stunt for attention, though most ignored him on principle.

Seeing that he was ignored, and the meeting had devolved into little more than gossip, Snape left by floo to Hogsmeade, and then apparated to the Malfoy Manor, where Voldemort was currentlky residing.

He entered the front door to find an almost domestic scene. Voldemort was at his throne at the head of the table, Lucius next to him, and Narcissa next to her husband. Draco was across from Narcissa, a chair away from the Dark Lord. They were eating breakfast.

A snowy white owl flew through an open window and dropped two letters, before turning around without landing, leaving with a single letter left.

Snape watched with an open mouth as Draco Malfoy and Lord Voldemort picked up their letters, Draco with his other hand still scooping eggs with a fork.

Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy glanced curiously at the letters before turning to see the incredulous stare of Severus Snape.

"Severus?" Lucius asked. "Is something the matter?

"Th-That was Potter's owl." Snape stuttered.

"Potter! What would he write me for?" Draco cried in irritation.

Snape didn't answer. The Dark Lord had opened his letter.

The three adults turned to look at their Dark Master as he read the short message. The man known as Voldemort started laughing.

Now, four people watched, baffled, as the Dark Lord laughed genuinely, in mirth, at the letter. Snape in particular, was dumbstruck.

"What does it say, my Lord?" Lucius asked.

"Have your son read his." the man replied.

Severus stared at the teenager, who reluctantly popped the letter open, and pulled out his piece of parchment. He unfolded it, and stared in silence at the message for a few seconds, before screeching and recoiling, flinging the letter across the table.

Lucius picked up the letter and held it open for himself and Narcissa.

Draco

I fucked your aunt.

Cheers,

Harry Potter

The two older Malfoys stared at the parchment in disbelief.

"So Severus. Is this the news you had for me?" Voldemort asked.

Severus could barely manage to dumbly nod his head as the Dark Lord laughed again.

He staggered into a seat and held his head. A house elf helpfully gave him a headache potion, which he took.