I own nothing. Oh no! Dean finds out! Enjoy!
"Sam," Dean said opening the door, "What's up?"
"With what?" I said staring at the spot Cas was just standing at.
"The case," he said slowly, "Dude, what's up with you? You've been acting weird for days."
"Nothing," I said sighing, "I'm fine."
"Then what are you staring at?" he asked stepping in front of me, "You're really starting to freak me out man."
"Nothing Dean," I said looking up at him, "I'm fine."
"Sam," he said grabbing my arm, "You know I hate talking. If you need to talk though I'm here."
"Dean," I said staring at him.
"Come on Sam," he said throwing his hands up.
Tell him Sam. He deserves to know.
"He'll hate me," I said out loud.
"Who will hate you?" Dean asked confused.
You need he his help Sam. Tell him. He might not like it, but he will help.
"I can't tell Dean, Cas," I said shaking my head, "He'll hate me more then he already does."
"Sam," Dean said turning me around, "Castiel get your angel ass down here now."
I looked past Dean and to Cas when he appeared. My heart started to race at the sight of him. I hadn't felt this in a long time. The feeling of wanting to never look away from those eyes.
"Sam," Cas said staring at me, "Tell Dean."
"No," I said shaking my head, "You don't get it."
"I feel what you feel," he said calmly.
"And you don't understand," I said throwing my hands up.
"Someone tell me what the hell is going on," Dean said punching the wall.
Looking away I refused to open my mouth. Cas waited before snapping his fingers. Dean stared at me and gaped. I was confused until I looked down at myself and saw that my shirt was gone.
It seemed like my scars were standing out more then I had ever seen them. My eyes widened and I looked at Cas. He didn't look like he was happy about what he was doing, but that he had to.
Dean moved until he was right in front of me and grabbed my arm. I wanted to pull back and tell him that Cas was lying, but I couldn't. I couldn't tell him that this was all fake.
"How long?" Dean asked softly.
"I don't know," I said honestly, "Since I was ten or eleven."
Dean shook his head a few times, but didn't let go of my arm. His grip tightened around my wrist until I thought he would break it. Then he did something I didn't expect him to do.
He pulled me into a hug and held on tightly. His whole body was shaking. I knew that he wasn't crying so that only left anger. He was so angry at me about all of what he is seeing.
"Dean," I said slowly, "Please don't hate me."
"I don't hate you Sam," Dean said hitting my chest, "We need to talk about this though."
"I know," I said sighing.
"What I want to know first is what's up with Castiel knowing?" he said turning to Cas.
"I'm not just your 'Guardian Angel'," Cas said calmly, "I was Sam's first. Then I was taken off of his case. I just never really left."
"Oh," Dean said nodding, "I guess I owe you one then."
"Well, you sort of owe him two," I pointed out with a smile.
"Bitch," he said smirking, "Dude, put on a shirt."
"Jerk," I said grabbing a Hoodie from my bed.
"Now, want to tell me about those scars?" he said crossing his arms.
"Not really," I said shrugging.
"Sam," he said glaring.
"What Dean?" I said angrily, "What do you want me to tell you? That I thought I should die. That you and Dad would be better off without me. That every time you left I tried my hardest to just push the blade a little deeper. That when Dad yelled at me about not being good enough I believed every word. What do you want?"
"Shit," he said his eyes wide.
"Yeah," I said falling onto the bed, "Look, I'm sorry Dean. I know that it's wrong and that I'm stupid. I just think you'll be better without me."
"I wouldn't," he said sitting next to me, "You're my little brother man. No matter what. I know I don't say it, but I always thought you knew. That it was just there."
"What are you talking about Dude?" I asked confused.
"I love you," he said looking at me.
"I love you too De," I said smiling, "And I'm really sorry."
"We just need to figure this out," he said falling backwards, "Might take awhile."
"Yeah," I said rubbing the back of my head.
"Sam," Cas said reminding me he was there, "May I ask know?"
"No," I said my eyes wide.
"Ask what?" Dean asked confused.
"Nothing," I said hoping he couldn't hear the fear, "It's nothing at all. Cas I told you later."
"It is later," Cas said slowly.
"What's going on now?" Dean said wearily.
"I'm connected to Sam's feelings," Cas started to explain.
"Cas," I yelled jumping up, "We'll talk about it in a few days. Just not now. Drop it."
Cas looked at me before nodding his head and disappearing. I shouldn't have yelled at Cas, but if he told Dean. Dean would figure it out easily. That was another thing I hadn't told him.
I wasn't gay. At least not completely. I only liked one guy my whole life and it only started out as a dream because I never saw him. Damn Cas. I was so drawn to him even when I was younger.
How was I supposed to explain the feelings to him? That I had fallen for him all those years ago without even seeing him. It was weird, but with him I always felt safe and wanted. I never had to prove myself.
Now here Cas was. The only guy I ever had felt this for and he could feel what I felt. I guess I was lucky that he didn't know what the feelings meant. As long as I didn't act on them things would be fine.
"Want to explain that one?" Dean said breaking my thoughts.
"No," I said shaking my head, "Think you've had enough for one night."
"Sam," he said firmly.
"I thought Cas was just a voice in my head," I said looking out the window, "He was only around for three months when I was thirteen. But I…"
"You what?" he said moving next to me, "You like him?"
"Yeah," I said surprised, "How did you know?"
"I know you Man," he said smirking, "I saw it when you first saw him."
"He can feel it," I said shaking my head, "What the hell am I supposed to tell him? Oh that's just my big gay crush on you?"
"Why not?" he asked laughing.
"Dean," I said walking away.
"Sam," he said stopping me, "Tell me what you would tell Castiel if you could."
"Dude," I said rolling my eyes.
"Go," he said crossing his arms.
"I'd tell him," I said sighing, "That I fell for him a long time ago. That he's never left my mind since I was thirteen. That I wish I could get to know him. That I want to be with him. He's the only person I felt this too. I loved Jess. I really did. Just not this much Dean."
"Wow," Dean said staring at me.
"What?" I asked slowly.
"You really like him," he said smiling, "It's cute."
"Shut up," I said pushing him, "Jerk."
"Bitch," he said laughing, "Now sleep."
"Yeah," I said throwing the sheets down, "And thanks Dude."
"Anytime," he said smiling, "You might the annoying little brother, but you're my annoying little brother."
"Good to know," I said climbing into bed.
"Night," he said turning out the light.
"Night," I said shutting my eyes.
I tried to fall asleep, but my head was spinning. Cas had filled my brain just like he used to. He consumed me until I thought I would scream his name. It was hard enough when he was just a voice in my head, but now he was here.
Before I was trying to put a face to the voice and I never could. I've seen him now. And I wanted to see more. So much more of him. He didn't understand though. He was an angel of course he didn't understand what I wanted to do to him.
I had to hide and bury these feelings before things got out of control. Once they were gone everything would work out better. I could hide them easily, I've been hiding emotions for years. Just have to prefect that now.