Aboard her ship, the Monarch Queen typed something on the control panel, taking care not to hit several keys at once with her pudgy fingers. Her rodent copilot climbed up on her shoulder, peeking at her work with interest.

"Tatooine?" he asked, "Why on earth are we headed to Tatooine?"

"We have business there," the Queen replied, "You can pose as a Scurrier. I'm not so confident that I could get away with appearing in person. Not unless I change."

"I dunno," a third voice cooed, "Add 'the Hutt' to your name, and I'm sure no one will ask questions."

The Queen turned around in her chair and faced the yellow creature who had appeared in the ship. The newcomer changed from a male Ssi-ruu to a female dragon. Glaring at her angrily, the Monarch Queen stepped down from her chair.

"What are you doing here?"

The dragon shrugged passively.

"I thought I'd pick up a few Galactic Credits before you close off this universe for good. There are plenty of collectors in other worlds who would kill to own a piece of this franchise."

The Queen rumbled angrily.

"You have no right to mess with this world. Our job is to seal it off before the awakening of the Force, and if you mess something up, we might have to do a complete reset, which isn't healthy for the system."

"Just do a soft reboot. You seem good at that," the dragon hummed with a trace of contempt.

The rodent scuttled up to the top of his partner's head to get a better view of the dragon.

"I agree with C-. You shouldn't be messing with things down below."

The dragon scowled.

"And you shouldn't be using her name."

"I have it blocked off," the Queen replied, "And let's make one thing clear: I'm only documenting this because I need to know if something went wrong. There is no story, so you can forget about whatever it is you have planned."

Slowly, a grin spread across the dragon's face.

"Oh, C- . . . you're so naïve. There is a story, and it exists because of you."

The Queen was visibly puzzled by this remark.

"What do you mean?" she quavered.

"You're missing a lightsaber, are you not?"

The Queen looked at her tail.

"Yeah. So?"

"Imagine what would happen if it fell into the wrong hands. If the bearer were to assume that the weapon had found him for a reason, he'd be ready to fulfill a destiny that doesn't actually exist."

"The hell are you on about?" the rodent squeaked.

"Jar Jar Binks has the lightsaber, and you've ruined everything," the dragon laughed, "Honestly, I expected you to screw up somehow, but this is worse than I ever could have imagined. Congratulations on being the dumbest animals in the Universe."

The Queen growled.

"Go home, you lousy dragon! No one asked you to be here."

"No one elected you, but you don't hear me complaining."

"You complain about it all the time."

"Yeah, but you don't always hear me."

The Queen rolled her eyes.

"Alright, enough is enough. Either help us with this problem, or head home. It's up to you."

The dragon pouted.

"You're no fun . . . Fine. I'll help you, but I'm only coming to your rescue because I want everyone to know how incompetent you are, and how you'll never measure up to your predecessor."

The Queen sighed.

"Alright. What do you propose we do?"

The dragon tented her claws malevolently.

"We must take matters into our own hands . . ."

***TSSWFEW***

Jar Jar waved his lightsaber around eagerly, still hidden away in his lonesome back alley. He would never get tired of the way it hummed and groaned in his hands. It was just about as noisy as he was. If he could find a way to use it without cutting off his own limbs, he could become the most bombad Jedi in the galaxy. With a delicate twirl, Jar Jar squealed happily.

"My gonna be a Jedi!" he cheered.

Catching himself, he cleared his throat.

"Oops. Me gonna be a Jedi."

That still didn't sound right. Jar Jar went through several variations of his sentence.

"Mesa . . . Erm, I going to be . . . Me am going to be . . ."

He sat down an put his head in his hands.

"Oh, this-a Basic is hard."

Jar Jar had always spoken fluent basic, but years and years of encountering other species with their own dialects made him realize that his way of speaking was somewhat . . . goofy. He was far from self-aware, but statistically speaking, most of the comments he received regarding his language were negative. This led him to believe that he was doing something wrong. Well, maybe not wrong, but wronger than everyone else. Knowing this, Jar Jar cleared his throat and put his hands on his hips.

"Hey- Hello! My name . . . is . . . Jar Jar Binks. Me . . . I am a Jedi Knight. I am destined for great things."

Jar Jar grinned in satisfaction. He had no idea that he could sound so convincing. He was practically a Jedi already! Bowing deeply, Jar Jar practiced his lines.

"Hello. My name is Jar Jar Binks. I am a Jedi Knight. I am destined for great things . . . Hello! My name is Jar Jar Binks! I am a Jedi Knight! I am destined for great things!"

Had anyone been around to witness his performance, they might have told him that he sounded like he was choking on a gorg. There was a big difference between saying something and saying something well. In Jar Jar's case, he was most definitely saying it not well. Regardless, he went on believing that he was uttering words on par with the poetry of Spacespeare. He even found himself standing a little taller than before.

With a joyful bound, Jar Jar jogged back towards his apartment, lightsaber in hand. As he swung his arms, the pink blade hummed and thrummed. It did not occur to him to turn off the device while he was walking.

Eventually, he tripped. As Jar Jar fell, he dropped the lightsaber. The blade missed his face by inches. Before it could fry his body, the rose-hued beam sunk back into the hilt, somehow detecting that it was no longer being held. The device rolled across the ground until a foot stopped it. A hooded figure had appeared from out of nowhere. Jar Jar looked up at the ominous shape and gulped.

"Hello. My name is Jar Jar Binks."

The mysterious person did not reply. Jar Jar stood up slowly and put his hands on his hips.

"I am a Jedi Knight," he continued, "I am destined for great things."

The cloaked figure picked up the lightsaber and turned it around in his gloved hand. He cocked his head, then looked up at Jar Jar. Although he could not distinguish any facial features in the darkness of the hood, Jar Jar felt as though a pair of eyes was burning through his very soul. He was scared stiff, but he mustered up all of his courage and waved at the man timidly.

"That is my lightsaber. Yousa- I mean- Can you give it back to me?"

The specter did not move. Jar Jar felt his stomach knotting up uncomfortably.

"Moole lightsaber. It belongs to me. I need it."

Suddenly, the cloaked figure spun around and darted away. Panicked, Jar Jar followed him out of the alley. After turning a few corners, Jar Jar nearly ran into a dense crowd of miscellaneous creatures. He looked around for the lightsaber thief, but he was nowhere to be found. Jar Jar tugged on his haillu and squealed unhappily.

"Hep! Hep! I've been robbed!"

A large creature pushed him to the side with six beefy hands.

"Out of my way, Gungan."

Jar Jar grunted and stumbled backwards. He attempted to penetrate the crowd again, this time seeking help from a young, female Wookiee.

"Scuse me, but my need hep berry bad. Mesa-"

"RAA-AA-AA!"

The Wookiee slapped him away. Jar Jar fell backwards, rubbing his cheek. He ran back and forth at the edge of the crowd, looking for any trace of his lightsaber. After a few seconds, he became still. A lump was forming in the back of his throat, and his vision was becoming blurry. He felt his lip quivering pathetically.

"Hep . . . Please . . ."

Suddenly, he was snatched up by a set of sharp claws. He screamed as the ground grew small beneath him. Looking up, he could make out the shape of a large, yellow creature darting through heavy air traffic.

"Putsa me down!"

The creature laughed.

"Your inconsistent code-switching won't save you now! You're going to pay a visit to the Monarch Queen!"

Jar Jar gasped as he was carried through a large hatch that led into a cloaked ship. After rounding a corner, the monster dropped Jar Jar. He tumbled across the ground, landing at the feet of a pudgy, green animal. She stared down at him and blinked, her thick eyelashes making a quiet smacking sound.

"Oh, this is Jar Jar Binks. I thought he was one of those little teddy bears . . ."

"Ewoks?" a rodent asked from the other side of the room.

"Gesundheit," she replied, "Anyway, you didn't have to be so rough, E-. We didn't need him in a hurry."

The dragon shrugged and trotted into another room.

"I care about you so little that I won't even bother to come up with a sassy reply. Peace."

The door closed behind her. The green creature rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to Jar Jar.

"Hello, there. You have something that belongs to me. I'm missing my sword-"

"Lightsaber," the rodent corrected as he picked his nose idly.

"I'm missing my lightsaber, and I need it back as soon as possible," the creature continued, "Technically, I'm on an undercover mission, so if you could make this as painless as possible, that would be great."

Jar Jar shrunk away shyly. The creature hummed and thumped her tail against the floor.

"Look, you'd better do as I say. I'm trying to be nice about it."

"She's the Queen, you know," the rodent added passively.

"Yousa like Queen Amidala?" Jar Jar asked.

The Queen nodded.

"Yes, exactly like Queen Armadillo. I'm part of the . . . uh . . . Hey, O-, what do they call the government here?"

"There are lots of governments," the rodent replied.

"That doesn't help."

"Just tell him you're important."

"I already did."

"Good."

The Queen snorted and turned back to Jar Jar.

"So, anyway, Mr. Binks, I was hoping that you could give me my lightsaber now. Just hand it over, nice and easy. Can you do that for me?"

Jar Jar shook his head.

"It was stolen by a thief."

The Queen groaned in exasperation.

"Of course it was. I should have known that this would happen."

She turned to the rodent.

"Change our course. We're going to pay this thief a visit."

The rodent typed something into his control panel.

"That might be a little hard to do, C-. According to our tracking device, he's all the way on Hoth."

"Speak English."

"It's called Basic, here," he muttered, "You know that really cold planet?"

"The one with snow and robot camels?"

"Yeah. He's there. He must have made a jump."

The Queen sighed.

"Alright. Let's go to this . . ."

"Hoth."

"Let's fly to Hoth. It's the only way to get my sword back. Let's just hope that this thief is in a good mood."

Jar Jar raised his hand.

"Can I come too?"

The Queen rolled her eyes.

"Fine. Whatever. Don't touch anything."

And with that, they sped towards the ice planet.