So let me share with you how this chapter came to be.

i started to write it, got like two pages into it...and hated it.

Deleted all of it started again got a page and a half into it and hated it again.

and then this came to me. Not sure why or how i even got here but i personally am very proud of myself for this. you might hate it but i don't think i've ever been so clear on emotions before so ima give myself a pat on the back :)

anyways this is what i will be leaving you with for the next three weeks because i shall be in Canada without internets and stuff and stuff.

so yea. OH and jsut fyi i LOVE YOU ALL so many story alerts from the last chapter and although reviews are nice so i know EXACTLY how you feel about it, i love story alerts as well becaus eit shows me you at least want more :) so thanks.

and now i will leave you to read :)

You hadn't wanted to go to school today. You would have much rather stayed home and wept, munched on a few crackers, watched a few musicals. You would have rather been doing anything other than go to school. You weren't sure if your heart could handle being ripped apart from the inside out. You didn't think that your body wouldn't split in two the second Quinn laughed at you, or had someone throw a slushy in your face.

However, you knew that staying home meant you had to explain to at least one of your dads as to why, and you were a terrible liar. Plus it wouldn't really help; you have the over-protective parent and the over-dramatic parent. You weren't sure they would make you feel any better. One would make threats towards the girl that unknowingly was making you crumble to pieces at every thought yet also giving you butterflies, and the other would babble on about true love and how it would work out, either giving you false hope or making you look like an idiot because he encouraged you to just go for it.

So there you sat, hard plastic under you as you felt like you weighed a ton, and as if it wasn't enough that your thoughts had to be interrupted by the head Cheerio but your first hour was as well.

She sat a row away and three seats ahead of you so you had no other choice but to see her, whether it be in your peripheral vision or just because you were looking at her. You weren't even sure what the teacher was saying. Hell you could barely even remember what class this was. Of course today of all days she wasn't wearing her Cheerios uniform but instead a tank top and shorts.

Who knew something so casual could look that good.

There was a sudden thudding in your chest, and your insides went cold when she looked to the clock above the door. You were sure she could see you staring at her with her face at this angle. She was practically facing you for God's sake.

But she didn't glare, she didn't even look you in the eye, instead she kept her eyes transfixed on the clock, a small tug at the corner of her lips told you she was happy with the time. You would have looked but you just couldn't stop staring at her.

If she were to come up to you after class and called you out, you weren't sure if you'd be able to deny a thing she accused you of. You've never felt so guilty for looking at someone before.

Even when you were looking at Finn like this, you never felt this guilty, sure every once in a while you would think about how wrong it was to try and steal another girls man but this seemed different. This didn't seem like a typical guilt. No, this was more like you were seeing something you had no right to be looking at. Almost like taking a peek at your birthday presents before your dads had gotten a chance to wrap them.

You found your eyes had fallen to her lips and you nearly jumped out of your skin when you watched her lick the dryness away. The thudding in your chest still hadn't decreased in the slightest bit and you were starting to wonder if it ever would.

This was embarrassing. You were seriously pining for someone that could never return feelings to you and yet somehow a small part of you didn't even care.

You felt your skin jump when the bell chimed signaling the end of class. You hoped she would just leave, you didn't really want to deal with her shouting at you again, you weren't sure you'd be able to handle it.

It was then you realized you needed a plan. You needed some sort of way to help you get through your day without acting like the most depressed teenager in school. You may not be able to lie very well, but you were one hell of a performer. And maybe you were so good you would be able to trick yourself? Maybe if you just acted like nothing had happened, that you didn't have a sudden revelation about your sexuality, you would start to actually believe it.

So you started in Glee. Sitting somewhat close to Finn, allowing his dopey smile flash over you before he said something sweet, something that used to make you smile naturally at. You weren't really sure why he was even still trying. You pretty much broke his heart over summer break. Was he really that slow that he thought "I'm sorry, but I really just can't take any chances with my life right now." Meant 'you can keep trying when school starts again'?

But you don't say this aloud; you don't even let your facial expression change when you see Quinn walk in. Instead you laugh at the half of the sentence you did hear Finn say. You thought not looking at Quinn would be easy. All you had to do was start to get back into Glee again. But you soon found it wasn't nearly that simple.

Why? Because Quinn had asked to sing something the second she walked in. The rest of Glee hadn't even arrived yet, Artie and Tina were still missing, Mercedes had just walked in with Sam, and Brittany had just taken her seat next to Santana.

This wasn't fair. How could one single person have this hold on you? Especially after just developing feelings for her.

Or, maybe it didn't just happen. Maybe you had actually been having these feelings all along. It would explain a few things, why you felt so protective of her. Why you wanted to be on her good side as much as possible, why you wanted to comfort her and get rid of the statue Quinn you saw much too often.

But why did it hit you suddenly? Why after knowing her for so long were you just now figuring this entire thing out? You were sure that you'd be more perceptive to this. Your feelings were much too strong to just have appeared out of nowhere, so why hadn't you seen it before? You had two gay dads! How is it possible that you, smart, talented Rachel Berry, hadn't figured out that you were so in like with someone?

You made sure to think in like. Just in case. You still weren't convinced that this was what love felt like, you'd been fooled too many times, and there were just so many different levels of love.

You love your fathers differently than you loved Finn; you loved Jesse differently than you loved Finn. You loved music differently as well. You could barely make sense of anything when there were just so many variables to it.

But, maybe some of it wasn't love. With your fathers it clearly was, you loved them to death, you only wanted to make them happy and proud.

With Finn, it could have been infatuation. Your brain could have easily mistaken this, you were a bit dramatic, you knew this, so who's to say it wasn't just that and your brain took it as something entirely different?

And Jesse, well you admired Jesse terribly. You did love his voice, and you did love how he was able to make you feel that you were capable of almost anything. But did you actually love him? Did you love the person or the personality?

Was there even a difference?

Your head was starting to hurt, and you were beginning to feel dizzy with all the noise buzzing in your head. You couldn't take this, you hated not understanding. Why was your brain doing this? Was that even the right organ to blame? Wasn't your heart the one that made you fall in love? Sure maybe not literally but metaphorically your heart told you what you wanted, truly and deeply what you really wanted.

Why did it have to want Quinn Fabray? Why couldn't it want Finn anymore? What made it not want Finn? Was it strictly just not wanting to give up your dreams? That didn't make any sense because you were ready to give them all up for someone else.

Maybe not so quickly but if Quinn had told you she loved you, if she had said she wanted to be with you, and then asked you to stay in Lima, you would actually have to think about it. You may even only take a day to really think.

This wasn't making sense again. Why? Why would you give your dreams up for Quinn? Because she would never ask you to give them up like Finn would. Your mind answers. And you knew it was true.

Your head felt dizzy again, none of this was fitting in it. Some made sense and then suddenly it didn't. Then suddenly you made sense of it but you wished you hadn't, too much was going on through your brain right now. Too much was flying through, passing by, leaving then entering again. It just wasn't making sense. None of it. Everything was just buzzing by. Just so much noise!

You wanted to start crying, maybe pull some of your hair out. You'd give anything for the buzzing and spinning to stop.

Could no one see that you needed someone to just stop the world from spinning; that you needed someone to just slap you into reality again, you were practically floating freely being tossed around by non-existent hurricane winds and yet it was like no one noticed.

Maybe you had your preforming face on. Maybe you were still holding your smile and that's why no one noticed how crazy you felt. No one was coming to your rescue because they didn't know you needed rescuing.

You take a chance glance around the room, just to see what everyone was doing. Tina and Artie had just walked through the door, Mercedes and Sam were sitting next to each other engaging in what looked like a very interesting conversation, their heads were close together and smiles were plastered on their faces. Brittany was smiling as Santana draped her legs over her lap. She was running her fingers lightly over them.

Your stomach churned when you felt your heart wish for you and Quinn to be embraced like that one day and you tightly shut your eyes feeling that familiar pull at your gut.

You were about to come undone you could just tell. But you weren't done seeing if anyone was just ignoring your pain. Finn was sitting right next to you and he still seemed oblivious. He really shouldn't be, if you weren't chatting him up about something for too long everyone should know that something was up. But no one seemed to notice.

Not even Mr. Shu-

Luck would have it that when you go to look at Mr. Shuester you catch Quinn's eyes instead, locked on to you. You saw her try to turn to stone, only she couldn't, she looked genuinely worried.

You couldn't take it; you couldn't handle her looking at you like that; it only made you want to believe she liked you back. That wasn't possible, you knew that. You had to stop pretending that you had a chance with any of the people you thought you liked.

But still, her eyebrows furrowed like they were, eyes trained on you only, worry clearly in hazel orbs, she wasn't making it hard to pretend that she was curious.

She needed to stop, you were watching the stone fall apart from her face, you needed her to be a bitch, you couldn't take knowing that she cared enough to at least see you weren't okay. The thoughts were clawing at your insides, you didn't want hope, you didn't want to pretend. You wanted to go back to when you didn't notice her like this.

Then you realize you've always noticed her like this. You've always known when she was okay, and when she wasn't. You always noticed that she would smile faintly when she sang, you noticed she enjoys Glee more than she lets on. You noticed that she doesn't really enjoy being so mean to people but she'll do anything to stay on top. You noticed how badly she needs all of the privileges being a Cheerio offers her. You notice how she flinches whenever someone brings up Beth, how she'll look at Puck like he's completely forgotten all about it.

The buzzing was getting louder, so loud you couldn't hear what anyone was saying anymore. Was this what fainting felt like, was this what happens? Or was this what falling for someone was? Is this finding yourself?

You wished your brain would stop asking questions. You wished it to stop working. You needed silence.

DAMMIT YOU NEEDED QUINN TO STOP LOOKING AT YOU LIKE SHE WAS!

Everything she's said to you, everything she's done starts to play in your head. She's constantly pushing then pulling at you. Constantly confusing you as to where you two stood.

When you feel a sharp pain coming from your palms you notice your grip on the seat your currently occupying is deadly. You were surprised you hadn't cut your palms, but you felt like if you let go you'd just float away. Like there was a wind that only affected you and it was desperately trying to drag you into darkness.

Quinn took a step forward and you nearly hurled realizing you were feeling physically sick at how confused you were. You've never felt so lost, you were always so sure of who you were and what you wanted and then suddenly BAM it's all taken from you. It's all taken from you just by how someone is looking at you.

By how she is looking at you.

You had tunnel vision, all you could see was Quinn. Her hair now cut short, her eyes still with a tint of worry in them, her perfect nose, her lips, her shoulders. She looked absolutely stunning and you were spinning out of control with thoughts of her.

Air was becoming hard to come by and you know what it was you were feeling. This was a panic attack, something you hadn't had since you were little. This hadn't happened in so long you forgot how to deal with it at first, you forgot what made you calm, what you loved.

Breathe in.

Quinn.

Breathe out.

No, Berry focus! What calms you.

Breathe in.

Quinn. STOP THAT!

Breathe out.

Singing.

Breathe in.

There you go. You're starting to make sense now.

You're starting to hear voices now, even though your stomach is ready to remove your breakfast you are starting to feel a little more grounded. You focused on breathing trying not to draw attention to yourself, although you were sure that someone had noticed your eye's had never left the blonde.

Breathe Out.

Her lips are moving.

Breathe in.

They look lovely.

Breathe out.

What is she saying?

Breathe in.

Her eyes are lovely too.

Quinn's eyes, they were magic, they had to be. How else could something make you feel this much at once? You were terrified, confused, hurt, calm, unsure or yourself, practically invisible. Yet again you weren't making sense, but the buzzing was going away slowly, and thankfully no one seemed to be paying any attention to the fact that you couldn't look away from Quinn, whose eyes were still looking at you, but would close every now and then.

Not so much blinking, more like just shutting, like she was feeling something and was reveling in it.

Breathe out.

It isn't until you are able to hear sounds more clearly that you realize the only reason why you were able to focus on breathing is because Quinn was singing her song. That's why her lips were moving, that's why her eyes closed so delicately. That's why you were calming down. Quinn was singing, and god she sounded delightful.