Chapter 3: Bury the Dead
Jax leant her his hand as she pushed herself up from the swing. Grasping her smaller hand in his, he felt that same rush of heat that happened seconds before. Turning on his heel, he released her hand and shoved both of his hands into the deep pockets of his sagging jeans; shoulders slouching as he looked sideways at her. Her delicate fingers held onto her cigarette as she took a drag and he became mesmerized by the way the inhaled smoke left her mouth; it seemed to curl around her nose and cheeks before dispersing. Jax shook his head to look ahead remembering that he had Abel now, Wendy was home from rehab and his relationship with Tara was confusing enough already.
Coming around the front of the house, Sam ran up to the front door to lock it and then returned to him. He held out his helmet for her and then got on the bike. Standing it up, he felt her small hand grasp his leather clad shoulder and then her weight resting against his back. He waited till she pressed in closer; her thighs resting against his ass and back. Swallowing hard, he nodded to her and felt her hands slither around his waist and grasp tight. Pulling the kickstand up, Jax started the Dyna and felt the rumble of the engine beneath him. Turning his head slightly, he saw her nod and then he tore off down the street. Driving with her on the back of his bike was something new for him. She had always caught a ride from someone else since Tara was always with him but he had always thought about her being on his bike. She felt fluid against him in the turns and held her posture loose but straight when he would increase speed; a perfect passenger. He pushed the bike faster and heard the engine respond with a loud growl as they left Charming. He wasn't sure where he was going and he didn't think she cared either. Feeling the wind on his face always made his problems disappear; he became part of the road then and he would only focus in on the now. He felt her chest press harder against his back, making him squirm at the heat she gave off. Watching the scenery change to desert hills and shrubs, he felt himself become more aware of her. Cresting over a hill that he knew would lead to a straight road for a few miles; he opened up the engine further, the speed increasing even more into illegal territory. He felt her hands adjust and then suddenly it loosened; fearing that she was losing her grasp, he glanced back and saw something he thought he'd never see. Sam's head was tilted back, eyes closed and arms outstretched above her. The sun made her seem at peace and a small smile crept onto her face as she just let go of everything.
Turning back to face the road, Jax's own smile slid onto his face and he gunned it even harder. Coming to the next curve he slowed and felt her hands wind themselves back around his middle. She pressed closer and then rested her head on his back. Jax felt his smile grow as he thought about his life and where he currently was at. Abel being home and finally safe made him feel better but the issues with Wendy and Tara still weighed heavily. Wendy was a person; a void to fill his time after Tara ditched him for college and Sam moved away. He knew that it never worked between them and he felt it in his bones that he had made a mistake with her; one he felt he never wanted to repeat. Tara was different; they were inseparable, the "always have to be together or I'll kill myself" kind of love and it completely ripped him apart after she left. Now having her back was a blessing of sorts; his past giving him another shot but the nagging voice in the back of his mind reminded him of the bad things, the reason that they never worked before and the idea that it wouldn't work now. She was currently jerking him around; the mixed signals giving him a headache whenever he thought about it. Tara and Wendy were fighting over him and he didn't really want to deal with it. Donna dying brought back Sam, the girl that was never his. Sure he had thought about it back then, she was beautiful and so very different from Tara and any other girl he ever met. She was the reason he stopped moping after Tara left; she saved his life without really even trying. He never realized it back then but it was blatantly obvious now; whenever she would come around, he felt himself come out of the self-imposed solitude he had placed himself in. It was easier to breathe around her and the pain he felt lessened over time. When she left, he felt that scar rip open once again and he had desperately wanted to hate her for leaving. The only reason why he didn't was because she was never his, she had every right to leave; they were never together and he seriously doubted she knew about his feelings for her. He wasn't even sure he was truly aware of them back then but hindsight is always 20/20.
"Jax?" He heard her whisper into his ear. He slowed down to hear her better. Her hot breath against his neck was causing some inappropriate reactions from his body for their current situation.
"Yeah darlin?" He asked, turning his head slightly to catch her out of the corner of his eye quickly.
"Can you take me somewhere where I don't have to think about it?" She asked and he instinctively knew what she needed. Nodding quickly he gunned it back to town with a destination in mind. He wasn't sure why he picked it but it popped into his mind so quickly he didn't think of anything else. Pulling into his driveway, he felt her shift behind him and take off the helmet. Turning to her he saw her adjusting her hair; it was windblown but still beautiful to him. Smiling he got off the bike and led her up to the house.
"Where are we?" She asked; her voice quiet and full of confusion.
"This is my house. I want you to meet someone." He stated before hopping up the front steps and opening the door for her. She entered before him and he saw her take in her surroundings.
"Seems kinda empty." She laughed while turning to look at him.
"Yeah well; I'm not here often enough yet. You just wait till I move in completely." He smirked at her as he slid past her and went down the hallway. Knowing that she was following, he entered a room on his right and nodded to his mother who was sitting in the corner. "Hey Ma; I brought someone over to say hi."
"Hey baby." Gemma smiled warmly at her son as he gestured to Sam behind him. "He's been fed and changed." She directed at her son as she gently lifted her grandchild into his Daddy's open arms. Gemma took a step back and smiled warmly at Sam as she stepped up with amazement in her face.
"Oh my lord; he is beautiful!" Sam stated with happiness as she came closer to father and son and looked at the baby boy's features. "What's his name?" She asked looking up at Jax.
"This is Abel; my son. I thought it was time you meet him." Jax whispered to her; she was so close he got hit by her smell. Vanilla, lavender and oak invaded his senses and he had to quickly turn back to his son before his mother caught him. Sam's hand had come up to touch Abel's small hand and as his son grasped onto her finger, he heard her sharp inhale and smiled even more. He hoped that this was making her happy. Abel always managed to make him happy when he was upset. Looking up he caught the knowing look in his mother's eyes and had to roll his own eyes at her.
"He's breathtaking!" Sam gushed once more before talking directly to his son in a soft voice. "Well you little man are quite handsome; all the girls will be after you some day."
"You want to hold him?" Jax asked as looked at her face once more.
"Can I?" Sam asked looking up to meet his eyes. He nodded slightly before handing the baby off to her. He watched her take him up with expert grace. She rocked him slightly as Abel cooed up at her before he reached up and grasped a piece of her hair. Sam only laughed as Abel pulled on it. Jax stepped over to his mother who continued to watch as the woman who was broken and torn apart by death was brought back to life because of a baby. The silent, comfortable moment was broken when Jax's cell went off and he excused himself from the room. Sam watched him leave and then turned back to Gemma and the small child in her arms.
"He just takes it all away." Sam whispered to Gemma as she stared at Abel in awe.
"Babies have a way of doing that."
"Did Donna meet him?" Sam asked, her voice breaking once again.
"She held him that night." Gemma replied just as softly as she walked up to the other woman and wrapped an arm around her shoulders; looking down at her grandson.
"Good. I wanted her to have something." Sam broke and a tear worked its way down her cheek. Looking up at Gemma, Sam smiled sadly and then titled her head to meet Gemma's.
"She did baby. She had a good moment." Sam nodded quickly as another tear worked its way down her cheek.
"Donna used to tell me that there was nothing better than a baby. I remember her just holding Ellie and Kenny; watching them, like they were the only thing in the world. I guess I finally figured out why she did that." Sam whispered looking down at Abel.
"Yeah well it's different when it's your own." Gemma stated as she drew a finger softly down Abel's face.
"He's not mine Gemma." Sam laughed slightly as she looked up at the older woman.
"He should be." Gemma said as she looked up and connected her eyes with Sam smirking slightly when the younger woman blushed.
Sam was about to respond when Jax suddenly returned to the room.
"How's my boy?" Walking over to Sam, he leaned in close to look over her shoulder at his whole world. Looking up at the back of her head, he found himself liking her holding him. There was just something soothing about watching her interact with his son. She was a natural and he found himself feeling differently about her; she would be a good mom.
"He's great." Sam mumbled to him, looking backwards at him and sending him a small smile.
"I have to get you back to the clubhouse to get your car. I have some things I need to take care of." Jax stated as he kissed his mother good bye. Sam reluctantly handed off Abel to Gemma and then nodded as Jax's hand on her back steered her out of the house. Stepping outside; Sam turned to Jax quickly and walked up to him, standing on her tiptoes to reach him, she grasped him tight, her face pressed into his shoulder.
"Thank you, I needed that." She whispered into his ear. He wound his arms around her and pulled her tighter into himself.
"Anytime darlin; just ask." He replied. He felt her nod and then loosen her grasp. Stepping back he was hit with a genuine smile from her; her white straight teeth gleamed at him. Taking the helmet, she threw it on and waited for him to situate himself before climbing on and holding onto him once more.
Arriving back at Teller-Morrow, Jax let her get off the bike once he pulled up to her car. Jumping off and handing him his helmet back; Sam leaned in and kissed his cheek before sending him another small smile. Watching her walk to her car, he inwardly groaned when his eyes landed on Tara's car. The pressure behind his eyes began to increase and the oncoming headache was enough to make him shake his head and park the bike with his decent mood ruined. He knew that they needed to talk, to work out whatever was in fact going on with them. Looking up, he saw her come out of the office; and cutting across the hot pavement to him. He got up off the bike and greeted her with a soft kiss to her cheek. He was struck then by how much he truly did love her. First love was always the hardest to forget but they seemed to be on two paths that never crossed.
"Can we talk?" She asked as she gestured to the office. Nodding, he followed her into the office and closed the door when she entered and turned to him.
"So what's up?" Jax asked as he fished a cigarette out of his pockets and lit it.
"I think we need to talk about where this is headed." She gestured to both of them with her hands. He could sense the desperation in her voice and watched her fidget slightly under his scrutiny.
"I thought we established that the night Donna died." He stated taking a long drag from the lit cigarette.
"I never should have reacted the way I did; I just don't know what to think about us. Where are we going Jax?" Tara pleaded with him, moving closer. He exhaled the smoke in his lungs before licking his lips and answering.
"I'm not sure. I do love you Tara but I'm not sure if I'm what's best."
"Best for what; me? Jax I came back because I wanted to be here, this is where I belong." Tara desperately replied as she came to rest in front of him; Jax's head was tilted down and he brought his eyes to meet hers.
"Tara you left."
"I know Jax but I'm back now. Maybe this is what we need; to give us another shot."
"I'm not any different Tara; the same guy with the same kutte."
"No you're not." She shook her head hard trying to get him to understand. "You have a son now; you're not the same. You are open and caring; I've seen it!"
"I'm SAMCRO Tara; that's never gonna change. You hated this club since we were kids, what makes you think it'll be different this time around?"
"We're older Jax, I won't come between the club and you. You have to know that." She pleaded, stroking the leather of his kutte.
"I don't think this is gonna work any better. We gave it a shot and what we've been doing recently has been good but I can't forget about the bad blood between us." Jax shook his head and took a step back; taking another puff off his almost spent cig.
"I'm sorry I left Jax. I don't want to run anymore." Jax shook his head and felt the anger and frustration burn.
"I hated you after you left; you know that? I drowned myself in booze, drugs and pussy just so I could forget about you, forget how you tore me up inside, forget that I loved you!" Jax finally roared at her and watched as she shrunk back slightly. He saw that his words were affecting her but somehow he just didn't have it in him to care right then. "There were days where getting out of bed was so difficult, I thought I'd die right there! I saw your face everywhere I went!"
"Jax; it doesn't have to be like that this time around." Tara said as her face fell.
"You left and I can't forget that. You were always meant for something more than this!" He yelled waving his arm around the room.
"This is what I want now; I want us!" She yelled back finally giving into her own frustration.
Jax nodded and pursed his lips before stuffing his hands into his pockets and looking up at her. "I'm not sure if it's what I want." He stated calmly; the realization coming to him suddenly.
"What?" Tara asked; shock numbing her to her own anger.
"I don't know if I can do this with you again." Jax stated simply. He felt the weight of it settle in his chest.
"So that's it?" Tara scoffed. "We're just through?"
"I love you Tara and I think some part of me always will but what we have isn't good for either of us anymore."
"Is this about her?" Tara asked suddenly angry again.
"Who?"
"Donna's sister, Sam."
"This has nothing to do with her." Jax stated, casting his eyes quickly to the parking lot.
"I always knew you had feelings for her. I wasn't blind to you and her."
"Jesus Tara; nothing happened with her and me back then."
"I know that Jax but that didn't stop you from watching her when you were with me. I saw how you looked at her. I also knew you loved me enough not to cheat but that doesn't mean you didn't have feelings for her."
"Sam has nothing to do with us and my decision. My decision is my own and I've thought about this a lot. You need to go and be the person you were always meant to be."
"What about you?"
"I'm going to be me."
"I love you Jax."
"I know; I love you to but I don't think we are what each other needs. I'm sorry." Tara nodded before taking a deep breath and stepping up to him again and grabbing him in a hug.
"Maybe you're right. Chicago offered me my old job back." Tara stated as she broke away from him and headed out of the office without looking back. Jax tilted his head back and sighed heavily before bringing his hands up to his face and rubbing his head. That headache was now a migraine.
"Fuck me." He stated simply before leaving the office and heading to the clubhouse. On his way there, he ran into Opie.
"Saw Tara leave; everything cool?" Opie asked.
"Nah; we're done." Opie nodded before clucking his tongue.
"That sucks brother." Jax shook his head.
"Nah its fine; she and I don't make sense anymore." Opie nodded.
"Yeah maybe you're right." Opie clapped his hand on Jax's back and steered him to the table outside before lighting up a joint and taking a puff off it before handing it over to his friend.
"So tomorrow is gonna suck." Jax stated with dread. Inhaling he handed the joint back over to Opie.
"Yeah." Opie stated simply; the weight of burying his wife was too much, there wasn't much else to say.
"We're gonna get the people who did this Ope."
"Yeah I know."