Don't tell me you will be there for me, when you don't mean it.
Meh, just kidding. I don't really need you to be there actually. I am fine on my own, I mean, I don't really expect you to mean it anyway.
I still remember the scenerio, before I board the plane. The entire Seigaku team was there with me, with the graduated seniors I have grown up with and the juniors I have spent time with.
"Echizen, if you ever need help, text us kay! we are just a text away, nyaa!"
"When you are done, join us for a match or two alright! We are waiting!" Momo-chan senpai flashes his reassuring smile.
It was a pretty heart-warming scene. The thought of having people caring for me, thinking about me, reassures my fears. If only they did follow through what they said.
It's been months since I have last heard from them. Initially, we were actively conversing over WhatsApp. But life happens, they got busy, i got depressed and we have never spoken since.
Times I really wish they would just text me something. Anything. How I wish someone will be there listening to me.
How self-centered I am, really. People have their life to live! Why should they bother themselves and spend time talking to a person like me, who can't even get a life worth living for myself? Must I bother others to make my own life entertaining?
I am seriously getting annoyed over my reliance on people. It sickens me, to think that I needed people. Part of me is desperate for human touch, yet another part of me hates my desperation. I am so conflicted, I don't even know what I want anymore.
To crave, or not to crave? That is the question—
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The disappointment of being neglected by trusted people,
Or to take arms against such weakness,
And, crush such desire and reliance?
Okay, I know I am being weird now. This notebook is the only place I can be myself. Let me at least have this space to myself, and please do not judge, my dear other-half-of-my-mind.
Let me vent out my disappointments. Disappointment in myself for having such a disgusting weakness and desperation. Disappointment in myself for not able to even have decent interpersonal relationships with others. Why is it so easy for others to get friends, but not me? Why can't I find a life worth living? I must be the one with problems, seriously.
I should stop bothering others with my needs. I should let them go and lead their own lives. It will be great if they could forget about me, and lead a wonderful life. I sincerely wish for their happiness.
I long for a day when I will be strong. Then I will no longer have the need for people around anymore.
I long for a day when I can be alone. In darkness and in eternal peace.