A/N: TW – Self harm.
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Chapter 3
Iain slammed the door shut as he entered the flat. He was glad to be home. Rummaging through his fridge he pulled out an ice-cold bottle of beer, he popped the lid off and gulped it down in one. Why is this happening to me again? He suddenly felt a wave of anger surge through his body as he threw the bottle at the wall at full force. He watched the glass shatter across the floor. Trying to hold himself back from screaming until his lungs went dry; he dragged himself into his bedroom. He started to remove his clothes until he was just stood there in his boxers. He looked down at the scar that spread across his torso. Using his finger he traced over the line. He tried to shake the images flashing in his mind but he knew there was no point in trying, these thoughts would never leave. They will haunt him until the day he dies and he is going to have to live every single day and be reminded of what he did. He took a deep breath and pulled back his duvet covers; clambering into bed he shut his eyes tightly in the hope that he would drift off quickly. But an hour had passed and he was still wide awake, the thoughts swimming around in his mind. Then he remembered he still had sleeping pills stashed in his draw for when he works the night shifts and has to sleep all day. Digging through his bedside cabinet he pulled out the small white box. Inside was one packet of pills left. On the box it said to only take one but he knew one didn't even touch the sides, popping two pills from the silver sheet, he swallowed them dry. He closed his eyes and before he knew it he had drifted off into a deep sleep.
Iain woke up in a daze, a new day. Already? The sun was shining through the curtains and the birds were singing their songs. He could feel that today was going to be a good day and he was going to enjoy it. He jumped out of bed and stretched, letting all the joints crack. He skipped into the kitchen pouring himself a coffee; he slurped at it as the hot beverage burnt his tongue. He got changed and then he was at work. He joined Dixie in her office but she seemed to be giving him the cold shoulder. Confused by all this he decided to ask her up on it.
"Right, come on Dix. What have I done?" He grinned cheekily.
Dixie's faced filled with anger as she glared back at him, "Don't you realise? You've ruined everything. You've made innocent people suffer," she spat out at him.
"I…It…It wasn't my fault. I didn't…I didn't do anything," he stammered shaking his head.
Dixie was edging closer to him, making him feel uncomfortable. "Yes it is!" She gritted through her teeth.
All of a sudden Kenny, Naveed, Big Mac, Rita and the men who lost their lives that day appeared around the corner. They were all walking in unison, getting closer and closer to him. He could feel his chest getting tighter as he was feeling more claustrophobic. Nothing was making sense. Today was meant to be a good day. Now everything was going wrong. Just like everything does. The people nearing him seemed to be chanting something but he couldn't make much sense of it, but as they got closer and louder the things they were saying were becoming clear.
"It's your fault, you're the coward Iain. You should've stopped it."
They were now surrounding him, shouting in his ears. He tried to cover them but it didn't stop the words sinking in. Iain suddenly collapsed on the floor screaming,
"It's all my fault! I killed our mates! I'm the coward!"
Iain jolted upright in his bed. His whole body was shaking and sweat was dripping down his forehead. He took a deep breath trying to calm the pounding in his chest. He pulled back the covers and stumbled into the kitchen to get himself a glass of cold water. He felt unsteady on his feet as he approached the tap. Slowly filling the glass up, he took a sip from it, letting the icy water trickle down his throat. As he looked up he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. What has my life become? Then he could see them all. Standing behind him. Staring at him with their doll like expressions. Once again, they were edging closer to him. Iain could feel the hairs on the back of his neck springing up as a draught ran through the room. They were chanting again. But this time it was different. They were whispering. And they were saying something different.
"Just do it Iain, you're life's pointless anyway. What difference will it make? No one will miss you. It's what you deserve."
Iain spun on his heel, "What do you want?!" He shouted, his voice echoing in the empty room. They had disappeared. Gone, vanished into the darkness. He rubbed his with the palm of his hand in frustration. His eyes glanced down at the shards of glass that he smashed previously that evening. No. Don't do it Iain. You don't have to do this. Just go to bed and sleep it off. He thought to himself trying to get the idea out of his head. But his body was telling him something different. His hand reached out and grabbed the biggest and sharpest piece of glass he could find. He carried it in his palm as he sat down on the floor with his back against the wall. He stared down at his wrist then back at the sharp object. I just want this to stop. Tears were streaming down his face by now. He didn't want to do it but he needed to stop the pain; the nightmares; the voices. He shook his head. No. You are stronger than this. Standing up; the glass still in his hand, he walked over to the table and placed it on the table. He picked up his phone and scrolled through his list of contacts until it reached Rita. He dialled the number but there was no answer. He slammed the phone down angrily on the table making a loud bang. He looked over at the clock that hung on the wall. 3:00AM. Why did I even try ringing her? I knew she wouldn't answer me. He glanced back at the glass lying on the table, taking it in his right hand once again; he lifted it up and held it to his left arm. Which he twisted to reveal his wrist, he could see the old scars. His breathing started to become shallower as he was hovering his hand over his wrist. He could feel himself starting to shake as the glass got closer to his skin. It had started to pierce through his skin but he was interrupted by his phone buzzing against the table. His head twitched to look at it. Throwing the glass back down on to the table, he picked his phone up and held it to his ear.
"R…Rita? Is that you?" He stuttered.
"Iain? Why are you ringing me at this time in the night?" The voice answered back.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to wake you," he paused. "It's just that you are the only person I can trust right now and I'm scared. And you told me that I can talk to you at any time." Iain's voice started to crack as he spoke.
"Iain what's happened?" Rita's tone was filled with panic.
Iain didn't answer.
"Right Iain, I'll be there as soon as I can. Just stay on the phone. I won't be long. I promise," she reassured him. He could hear her rummaging about on the other end.
Rita stayed true to her word and she had rushed to his flat in under five minutes. She was thankful that he didn't live too far away from her. Using the lift she got to Iain's floor. She tried knocking on the door but there was no answer and she couldn't hear any movement inside.
"Iain?" She called out. "It's me, Rita. Can you open the door please?"
Then, the door swung open. Iain was stood there still only in his underwear. Rita was taken by surprise but she stared deeply into his eyes, trying to read what was going on in his head. It was clear to her that he had been crying. She pushed her way past him, letting herself in. Once she heard the door click she turned to face him.
"What's going on Iain?" She asked softly, placing her soft hand against his cheek. He lifted his hand and rested it on top of hers. "I want to help you but you have to talk to me."
He shook his head, "You wouldn't understand."
"Then make me understand." She could see his eyes filling up again. Then he just broke down and collapsed to the floor. Rita fell to his side and held him in her arms, squeezing him tightly. "Shh, it's okay. I'm here, I've got you," she whispered, comforting him. Rita found herself crying as she consoled her colleague who was just falling apart right in front of her.