Of Alnel, Toasters, and Insane Fluff

A/N- Yes, CAT is back from the pits of laziness and schoolwork. This update is for Blue Persuasion who I promised to update three stories for, though I'm already late (The others are coming soon, I promise!). It's also a birthday present for several people from several weeks ago (who have probably forgotten), when this was supposed to have come out. Anyhow, all you readers should go check out my forum, SO Forum Fun because… well, as the name connotes, it's fun. Well, happy reading!

Chapter Three: Then there was jam...

Albel groaned groggily as he came to.

"Mrrgh…" he muttered, trying to roll over in bed.

The only problem was that wherever he was laying didn't feel like his bed. In fact, it felt more like stone. Plus, he was currently attached to a pair of handcuffs that were chafing his wrists, which despite several rather kinky rumors about the Wicked one, was not something he usually did at home. Or ever.

As the series of clues fell into place, his eyes jolted open and he tried to struggle out of his bondage. He immediately regretted the sudden movement as a splitting pain made his head feel like it was about to explode.

'Handcuffs? Horrible headache? I thought I learned my lesson last time I drank a case of Damda's strongest cider…'

He pondered the implications and began to panic even more.

"Damn! The fangirls probably found me in this state. Who knows what they've done to me while I was vulnerable…'

He couldn't help but whimper at the prospect. Of course, it could be worse. Like a true warrior, he decided to take advantage of the time alone his captors had given him, whoever they were. There had to be a way out of this situation. He craned his stiff neck around to take in his surroundings and wished he hadn't. The place looked more like the Inquisitor's dungeon than he was comfortable with. Especially with the handcuffs that were still holding him prisoner. All he could do was pray that the Inquisitor hadn't come back to life. Or that the fangirls hadn't found the masochist's lair.

"Albel…" a soft and strangely familiar voice purred from the next room, "You can't stay asleep forever, can you?"

He immediately screwed his eyes shut. If he pretended to be unconscious, his captors couldn't do anything to him. At least, they couldn't in good conscience. Then again, he didn't trust the fangirls (assuming it was them) to uphold those rules of etiquette. Yet… the voice didn't sound like a fangirl squeal. In fact, it sounded more like a certain red-headed someone who he wouldn't mind being tied up by. He growled and shook his head, caught off guard by his rogue thought.

'Now my mind's working against me. The Aquarian wench would never do something like this.' He mentally snarled.

Or if she would, it was only in his Eln Lephrez-induced dreams. Luckily, the sound of approaching footsteps made him snap out of his self-induced scolding/daydreaming.

"Are you really going to ignore me?" the voice purred again from somewhere in the vicinity of his ear.

This time, he was almost certain it was her voice. It was still hard to believe, but perhaps Zelpher had a wild streak he hadn't accounted for. He felt soft hair brush against his face and couldn't control himself any longer. He opened his eyes, only to find Peppita tickling his face with the end of one pigtail.

The previous night came back to him in a flash of disappointment and anger. Mostly anger.

"What's the meaning of this, worm?" he roared, trying to hide his discomfort at mistaking Peppita for Nel. How was that even possible?

"I knew now would be a good time to try out the Nel impression I've been practicing!" she giggled, reverting to her normal ear-tormenting pitch. "It sure did wake you up quickly!"

He turned red and gnashed his teeth. If only he had his katana…

"So you're probably wondering why I've brought you to my lair." Peppita cackled, bouncing around him crazily.

"No. I'm merely wondering why the hell you kidnapped me in the first place, maggot. I hope you have a good answer because once I get free, you will be painfully tortured, possibly murdered."

Peppita laughed mirthlessly and her face darkened considerably. She towered over him, the room's soft lantern throwing shadows across her form, making her look like a deranged angel. It was almost scary, though the Wicked One would never have admitted it.

"I seriously doubt you'll do that." Peppita grinned wickedly.

"Oh?" Albel said, holding back a gulp, "Why's that, worm?"

"Well," his captor drawled, "For one thing, I have this."

She brandished the romance novel he'd been reading before her "visit".

"S-So? It's just a book. Besides, I'll just murder you and destroy the evidence once I get free."

Peppita gave Albel a strange look.

"I thought you'd underestimate little old me like that. Well, I'm smarter than that, silly."

Albel finally surrendered and gulped.

"I took the liberty of taking some pictures of you reading it. The little hearts in your eyes were the cutest part. Besides that, though, I also had Mirage scan all the pages where you crossed out Belal for Albel and Len for Nel. Plus, there are the doodles of all the hearts with a certain someone's name in them… If you try to escape or misbehave, I'll have Mirage send them to all of Welsh's communicators. You'll be ruined!"

Thematic lightning illuminated her from behind, promoting her from deranged angel to bad-ass freakin' overlord. Meanwhile, Albel was stuck in a wordless rage between growling and blushing. Finally, he managed eight words he'd regret for a long while.

"Fine. What do you want from me, maggot?"

"I'm glad you asked. I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse. Let me reintroduce you to my associate."

She cracked a wide grin and the Toaster shuffled out from behind her almost bashfully. Someone (and Albel was 90 sure he knew who) had even fastened a tiny bridal veil to what was presumably its head. Albel's eyes widened in fear and he muttered something about burnt toast.

"This machine, Toaster, happens to be maniacally obsessed with you. And since you're single, I figured that I might as well hook you up with someone/thing. I mean, we all know you're never going to ask Nel out. So all you have to do to be free and live happily ever after is agree to marry Toaster."

The world turned slightly fuzzy. Surely even she wouldn't be that crazy…

"What did you just say?" Albel glared.

"You heard me." Peppita smirked, glaring back.

Toaster joined in the stand-off by heating its coils and whipping its tail about.

Albel paled. Peppita had more problems than he had ever suspected. And that thing had a crush on him? The whole thing was sick and wrong. Not even the Wicked One with his disregard for religion wanted to take place in this crime against the universe in general. But if it meant that he'd be out of this situation (and that no one would figure out about the novel), he decided he might as well agree. The key was to think the maggot that he was actually serious.

"Mmmph." Albel muttered sullenly.

"Huh? What was that?" Peppita gloated.

"I said that I will."

"Will what?"

"I'll marry your freaking toaster!" Albel shouted, suddenly feeling worried.

This didn't constitute as an oath… right? No matter. The brat didn't have any way to make it official. No priest in their right mind would--

Peppita grinned happily.

"I'm glad you've agreed! Now let me introduce you to my other associate."

Peppita skipped into the other room and returned pulling a very large, very frightened man in white robes. Albel gulped. It couldn't be… she wasn't that devious, surely.

"This is Priest Cream Puff. He'll be presiding over your wedding ceremony, riiight?"

She elbowed him sharply and he nodded enthusiastically He even managed a "mmmph!" from behind his gag, though Albel wasn't entirely sure if it was in agreement or pleading.

"Well, that is, as soon as I can figure out how to make a voice implant to let Toaster say "I do."…"

Albel stared after her in shock. If there was one thing to say for the worm, it was that she was prepared.

"Well then," she trilled, dragging the priest after her and ignoring how he was clawing at the cement floor, "I'll leave you with your fiancé. You two should get to know one another."

Peppita picked up the toaster, kicked it so that it landed beside Albel and fled the room. It immediately made a purring hiss and cuddled up to him.

"Hey! No one said anything about—Peppita! Get back here! It's burning my leg!"

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Dima stomped down the hall of the ethereal palace of the gods, causing several crashes of thunder to the storm brewing below. Angry from the nudey magazine incident, she didn't even notice when a dark figure materialized from behind a pillar. The god in question followed behind her like a cat stalking its prey until he finally caught up with her.

"So, do you usually smite temples? It seems rather contradictory, doesn't it? You wouldn't want to confuse the poor little maggot-minions by sending them mixed signals."

Dima favored him with an annoyed glare and then stopped and sized him up.

"Folstar… you're the god of death…" she murmured thoughtfully.

He bristled slightly, but nodded.

"Yes, well, I prefer maggot-mincer or scum slaughterer, but I suppose that works."

Elena fidgeted and scuffed one sandal across the white marble floor. Folstar was always rather intimidating and not only because of his role as executioner. He had a fierce, keen kind of presence that made most gods uncomfortable around him. Plus, his darkly handsome looks were enough to make most of the goddesses drool all over themselves when he walked by. Out of them all, though, Dima probably got along with him best because she had the same sort of fierce aura in a subtler way. Probably because he was an independent deity not born of Apris, he had no loyalties his fellow deities, so getting him to assist her in eliminating the Abomination would be hard. It was worth a try, though…

"I have an assassination job for you."

Folstar perked up slightly.

"Whatcha got? Blasphemous rebel? Annoying flowergirl? RPG love interest? Oooh, I love those… though they always manage to come back to life. Damned reset button."

"Uhhh, nothing that exciting. But it could disturb the balance of the universe."

"Oh. Leave that to the heroes. They always manage. Or die."

"It's not that kind of menace, though." Dima frowned.

"Then why don't you take care of it with one of your spiffy thunderbolts?"

He started to walk away and Dima ran after him, pulling out a picture of the perp in question.

"My aim isn't good enough. I'd destroy half the city. Look at this thing! It's not on any of the invention charts. It's just… evil."

Folstar stopped in his tracks.

"You've got to be kidding me. That thing's barely sentient."

"But--" Dima groaned.

"I think it'll be interesting to watch. In fact, I think I'll extend my protection to it. Now, come back to me when you have a real victim."

With that, he turned and walked away mockingly in a flash of toast.

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Meanwhile, back on Elicoor II, Welch Vineyard was faced with a dilemma. She'd been inundated with complaints from inventors who couldn't get into the Aquios workshop. Also, several of the people who lived nearby had complained about loud screams at night. There was no way she'd go near it, but there was a group of people crazy enough to think about it. Picking up her communicator, she dialed a familiar number.

"Mirage here."

The screen flashed on to a video of a blonde woman, not a blue-haired bish.

"Huh? Where's Fayt?" Welch said, trying to hide the disappointment in her voice.

"See, our party members have been disappearing one by one, so he and Cliff are convinced that they're in a bad horror movie. Right now they've decided to split up in the castle to investigate. They'll be away for a while. Incidentally, Maria and I have a patent to file for an accessory called a hockey mask."

"Send it over." Welch sighed, "But you said that your friends were going missing? Is everything all right over there?"

Mirage smirked slightly.

"Cliff and Fayt have a penchant for letting their imaginations run away with them. Albel merely mysteriously disappeared like he does in every city, then Nel ran off muttering something about an urgent mission, and Peppita is… uhh, inventing. That's probably what has them scared."

"But Peppita's one of the best crafters we have. What's so scary—"

"Did you see the patent for the new invention she made?"

"One sec." Welch mumbled.

She pressed a few buttons on her communicator, pulling up Peppita's invention history report.

"The bread heating thingy? Sure. Granted, it's not her best work, but why would that be scary?"

"Well, she's locked herself in the workshop with it for a couple of days, and I'm pretty sure it's developed a personality. Or at least consciousness."

Welch paled and shuddered. Nothing about this situation was shaping up to be good. How'd the mysterious screams fit in? Well, at least it wasn't her problem any more.

"And that was the Aquios worshop?" Welch gulped.

"Well, yes." Mirage frowned, noticing the girl's sudden change.

"Sorry, you're gonna have to get her out of there if it means you have to drag her. Workshops are the property of the Inventor's guild and all of its clientele. Please have her vacate or at least unlock the premises by 24 hours from now. And, uhh, good luck."

The screen went dead and Mirage sighed. She'd have to break up the fun. That is, after she got a few blackmail pictures of Cliff and Fayt being scared by a blue-haired girl in a hockey mask…

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Annoyed with not being listened to by her gaudy god of a father or by Folstar, Dima set her mind to watching the Toaster compulsively. Now, many people wonder how their deity of choice can watch keep tabs on all their followers. There have been many theories: omnipotence, spies, psychic friends, x-ray glasses, beer goggles. Really, though, the methods are different for each deity. Dima dug a vaguely threatening looking rectangle with rows and rows of buttons from the folds of her robes.

"Behold!" She bellowed to no one in particular, "Verily you can now see the wonder of my greatest creation. I call upon the power of…"

She typed in a complex sequence of letters and snapped her fingers. Immediately a small square box that emitted a faint glow materialized in front of her.

"TiVo!"

A tiny picture of the toaster appeared on the screen and Dima sighed happily. Another two snaps brought a recliner and a tub of ultra chocolate ripple. Content, she settled in for some Mortal Masterpiece theater.

She was sorely disappointed. After the first few hours of watching It carve Albel's name in anything it could find, even she got bored. And it takes a lot to bore an immortal. She switched the channel to the next room, only to find Albel chained to a stone table.

"What the hell?" she muttered.

She settled back in. It was a mortal thing, no doubt. At least it made for better TV than the Toaster.

Engrossed in checking all the other rooms, Dima didn't even notice anyone approaching until the bane of her existence skipped into the room. The uninvited guest was Elena, the most annoying being she could ever wish to spend an eternity with. No one really knew who gave birth to her, nor did it matter, as the theory was that all three triplets had the exact same personality. All that mattered was that she was almost the exact clone of the triplets with the exception that she wasn't tied down in marriage. Needless to say, most… "encounters"… mortal men had with deities were with her. As far as Dima was concerned, Elena's fluffy white wings and coordinated white outfits weren't fooling anyone.

"Hiya, Dima! Whatcha watchin' so closely? If you think that hard, you'll get wrinkles on your forehead. You should really try curling your hair once in a while. It'd make you look at least three centuries younger." The younger goddess rambled.

To her, it wasn't worth the breath to speak to some one unless she could badger, insult, or flirt with the person in question.

"Don't you have some mortal to molest?" Dima growled, barely looking up from her screen.

Elena sighed and rolled her eyes.

"At least I'm not as tense as some of us. You know, even if you do have a better metabolism than mortals, you'll get fat if you eat all that."

Dima sighed and rolled her eyes back. There was no using in actually talking to Elena once she got started. Actually, there was no use in talking to Elena most of the time. Someone had clearly chosen beauty over brain cells when they created her.

"And you know, red is totally not your colo—"

Something had done the unthinkable and derailed Elena mid-rant. She perched herself on the arm of Dima's chair and stared intently at the screen.

"…Who is that smexy piece of mortal meat?" Elena murmured, a pool of drool forming on her dress.

Dima's random remote clicking had landed back on a shocked and still-chained Albel who had by this time had already heard Peppita's announcement. Thanks to TiVo's power of automatic summary, Dima knew exactly what happened.

"You can't have him." Dima said, her jaw sagging slightly in surprise.

"Why not? Don't you want to share? You might have had first dibs on him, but I'd put him to better use—"

Ignoring her sister completely, Dima began to muse. She'd known that monstrosity was going to be trouble, but no one could have predicted this.

"Hello? Don't go all smart and thinky on me! Why can't I have him?" Elena squealed angrily. The noise made several monsters on the Palmira Plains go suddenly and mysteriously deaf and confirmed once and for all where Farleen had gotten her voice.

"He's already engaged—"

"Whaaaat?" Elena interrupted, pouting, "To who? A little mortal tramp, no doubt. Probably doesn't even appreciate—"

"No, Elena." Dima said, flipping the channel back to the Toaster, "To that."

For the first time in recorded history, the goddess Elena was struck speechless.

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Now, as an added bonus for those of you who aren't compulsive SO dictionary readers, here's…

CAT's handy guide to SO3 mythology (so far)

Apris- The central god of the Church of Apris, the most widely followed religion on the continent of Gaitt. The star Elicoor is said to be the physical manifestation of Apris. The teachings say now that Apris has set his own body on fire and became Elicoor, he can no longer return to the ground, but by sending the Emissary of Apris, he is still able to lead the people.

CAT's version: Main lecherous god who has a thing for triplets. Also, he did set his body on fire once, though it wasn't to form the sun. It was because of a bet, a lack of brain cells, and lots of alcohol.

Dima- A goddess of fire and one of the primary goddesses of the Church of Apris. Dima has two forms, one of fury and one of wisdom. Legend has it that when she takes the form of fury, she uses a magic staff endowed with the power of ancient dragons, and when she takes the form of wisdom, she wields a bow that shoots dazzling beams of runological light.

CAT's version: What are you talking about? She doesn't bear a strange resemblance to certain SO3 party member… not at all.

Elena -The goddess of light, and one of the primary goddesses of the Church of Apris. Elena has wings of pure white growing out of her back, and spins songs with her wooden sword to inspire warriors.

CAT's version: She does more than sing to 'inspire' warriors. –ahem- Trollop –ahem-

Erinia- One of the primary goddesses of the Church of Apris, and the second eldest sister of three moon goddesses married to Apris.

CAT's version: Bimbo.

Folstar- A primary god of the Church of Apris that is the master of the underworld. Frigidly handsome, Folstar is said to cleave the silver thread that binds the soul to the body with a long sword he holds in his hand.

CAT's version: He doesn't remind you of a SO3 character either. Nope. –tries to look innocent-

Irisa- This major goddess of the Church of Apris is the eldest of three sisters represented by the moons of Elicoor II. Wife of Apris.

CAT's version: Bimbo.

Palmira- A primary goddess of the Church of Apris and the youngest of the three moon goddess sisters married to Apris.

CAT's version: Bimbo.

More to come later! Next chapter: Mirage meddles, Nel gets a late-night visitor, and a wedding is planned. Now, go and review because CAT gave a long update, despite being late. Now, click the Periwinkle Box or I shall infect ye all with Ameena's mystery disease! Bwahaahha!