Edward was over-joyed to have me back in his home, I could tell by how he was glowing and touching me. He never could keep his hands off of me but now it was a bit over the top. I felt claustrophobic in his grasp but knew it would deepen his suspicion if I pulled away. It was great to see the Cullen's again, each one of them excited to see me except for Rosalie but I expected as much. When Alice hugged me I could tell she was confused by something.
"Edward do you mind if I borrow Bella for a bit. We have a lot of catching up to do. Great!" With that Alice dragged me off into her room. She immediately turned and gave me her sharpest look, "Want to tell me why I keep having visions of you disappearing and reappearing? What are you thinking about?"
I figured Alice would see my future this way as I was constantly thinking about a future with Edward and Jake. "I am just thinking I guess. I really hurt Jacob and I am thinking about if I will ever see him again." It was as if the Cullen's didn't want to upset me because Alice let my obvious lie go without an argument. "Well we're just happy to have you and Edward back, he wasn't the same without you." There was a quiet knock on the door. It was Edward and he had come to take me to his room. It was already dark so I called and told Charlie I was at Angela's place. He wasn't ready for the idea of Edward yet. Just to be safe, I called and asked Angela to cover for me.
We curled up on Edward's couch, my head in his lap with him absentmindedly stroking my hair. We were both deep in though but didn't want to ask the other about what. Finally Edward broke the silence with some music. It was one of the first times I had listened to music since he had left me. Instantly I remembered why I had stopped listening to music, the song playing came on and directed my thoughts instantly to Jacob.
"If you only knew" by Shinedown
If you only knew,
I'm hanging by a thread,
The web I spin for you.
If you only knew,
I'd sacrifice my beating heart
Before I'd lose you.
I used to be consumed with the thought of becoming a vampire so I wouldn't lose Edward but now that thought seemed to be repulsive and…….wrong. If I lost my heart, I would lose Jacob. It seems now that I already lost my heart but only because I lost Jacob, where they one in the same? But I love Edward…..
I still hold onto the letters you returned.
I swear I've lived and learned.
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep,
Without you next to me,
I toss and turn like the sea.
If I drown tonight bring me back to life.
Breathe your breath in me.
The only thing that I still believe in is you,
If you only knew
Edward left me yet I took him back without a second thought. Here I am lying in his arms as if he never broke me. He wasn't here to put me back together yet the person who stuck with me when I was left for dead I cast aside. He saved me twice, once from a broken soul and second from drowning. What am I doing?
If you only knew
How many times I counted all the words that went wrong
If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go even when you're gone
Even now when I cast him aside, my thoughts are consumed with Jacob. How did I miss this one up? I let my sun go and now all I saw in front of me was an eternity of cold sunless days.
I don't regret any days I spent,
Nights we shared,
Or letters that I sent.
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep,
Without you next to me,
I toss and turn like the sea.
If I drown tonight bring me back to life.
Breathe your breath in me.
The only thing that I still believe in is you,
If you only knew.
If you only knew.
I felt a tearing across my chest. The hole that Edward had made tore open again but this time it was much worse. It wasn't only where my heart was but where everything was. I wrapped my arms around me to try to hold myself together. Only then did I remember Edward who was watching me with frightened eyes, he had never seen me hold myself together before. He had left me with the hole, but this one was my making. I couldn't hold the pieces together this time.
I still hold onto the letters you returned
You help me live and learn
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep,
Without you next to me,
I toss and turn like the sea.
If I drown tonight bring me back to life.
Breathe your breath in me.
The only thing that I still believe in is you,
Believe in is you,
I still believe in you.
Oh oh whoa oh
If you only knew
I shifted in Edward's arms and sat up at eye level with him. My arms were still clutching my body together. He tried to unwind them but I had a firm grip, I couldn't let go otherwise I would split in two from the pain. I realized now what I needed and needed fast. There was only one thing that would heal this hole and he was far away.
"Bella what's wrong, are you sick? Relax." "No Edward. I….I'm breaking in two. I'm not a whole person anymore. I-" He cut me off, "Bella I'm so sorry. I know I am the one causing you this pain but I will never leave you again." He grabbed my face in his hands and leaned in to kiss me. I let out a breathe, this would do it. This would seal the hole. As he leaned in and kissed me, the hole screamed in agony. This was not the fire it wanted, ice would not quench this pain. I pulled away and fell to the floor writhing in pain.