Three weeks had passed since that night in Afghanistan. His memories of that night were blurry, but parts were so very vivid it was as if he could see them acted out in front of him.
He vaguely remembers the noise, the gunfire, the yelling. Cold weather, long bumpy rides in the back of the hummer where Kensi sat as far away from him as possible. But he vividly remembers Kensi. Her eyes when she had first seen him were terrified. Was it him she was terrified of or Jack? He really didn't know. He remembers her scream, first not to kill Jack and then the blood curdling scream when he did kill him. His memory so vivid he sometimes had to cover his ears just while recalling the screams. If he closed his eyes now he would see her so clearly on that night, he was sure he could reach out and touch her. Not that she would have wanted him to, he thought, and felt the familiar stab in his heart. He shivered at the memory. He also clearly remembers the flight back home. He didn't sleep a wink and spoke to no one, staring ahead, his mind spinning out of control with thoughts which were all bad. He had chosen to sit as far away from everyone as was possible.
It was there that he sat, alone, completely broken.
Three weeks had passed. Three weeks that Deeks had tormented himself about what he had done and how it had affected Kensi. No matter how many times he thought about it, thought about how things could have gone differently, he always came to the same conclusion. His actions were THE only ones he could have taken. If he hadn't, both he and Kensi would now be dead and Jack would be free to terrorise the world with his twisted ideas and plots. He shuddered at the thought.
Deeks had learnt about Jack and his evil ways once they had returned home and the team, minus Kensi, had been debriefed. Kensi had her own debrief she was required to attend seeing she had been in Afghanistan the entire long harrowing mission. And then she had some time off to recover from the repercussions of the mission. Learning of the terror Jack had planned and had already executed, Deeks again knew he had done the only thing possible.
Three weeks had passed since he had seen Kensi. She had been away for 4 months prior to that night, but the past three weeks felt even worse than when she had been away. She was so close now but still absent. Despite how he felt, despite her pushing him away, he still longed to see her. He wanted her in his life yet he didn't know how to make that happen and if it ever would. Having her in LA and not with him made him miss her more than before. So much more.
He tried to reach Kensi every day since they returned. Despite feeling let down by Kensi's behaviour on the night when Deeks had shot Jack, he still cared about her deeply. It was the reason he felt so let down, so hurt by her actions. He would do anything for her, and he proved it that night, yet she had rejected him, again.
He understood how she felt, he really did. This was Jack after all, the man she had once been engaged to, and he hated to admit it, but the man she had loved. But at the same time, it wasn't Jack, it wasn't the same man she was engaged to. This Jack was evil and a killer, a terrorist who would have stopped at nothing to execute his evil plot. He was not to be trusted. Deeks was the one who she should have trusted. He always had her back and damn it he had proven it that night. Her rejection hurt him more than he would ever admit to anyone.
He thought about these things day in and day out, playing out the scene in his mind. Backwards and forwards his thoughts went until he thought he would go completely crazy. It was affecting his sleep, his appetite, his ability to focus. He felt on the edge of the precipice, in danger of falling off into that dark world he had been in not so long ago. He wondered if he had ever or would ever truly rid himself of that dark side of his life that threatened to consume him if he didn't work super hard to keep it at bay. He'd thought Kensi was the one ray of light to help him get through it all but in one violent moment three weeks ago, that thought was shattered.
Three weeks. It was the longest three weeks of his life.
"I wonder if she will be at work today Monty," Deeks said to his loyal companion as they sat on the beach early one day after a morning surf. The beach would always clear his head and it was the only place he found solace but since that day it had only partly done its job. He still loved the beach, but while surfing and relaxing, these days his head filled with thoughts instead of being clear. He looked down at Monty, his only true friend who gave him unconditional love. "She's due to come back you know," he said to the pooch. Monty whined, looking up at Deeks with soulful eyes. "Yeah, I know, you miss her. So do I buddy. So do I."
Deeks persisted in trying to contact Kensi every day since their return, most times more than once. Okay, continuously he realised, but not once was his call picked up. He had flash backs to when he was going through a similar time in his life and he would not pick up her calls. He knew now it was the wrong thing to do, so he called around to her place, knocked on the door, looked through windows and eventually using his key to get into her house. He wanted to push himself into her life like no one had done for him. He knew now that it would help recovery a little faster than trying to do it alone. But no one had really pushed to help him and he wanted to make sure Kensi didn't go through the same. He was stunned to find her place empty, no sign of her having even been in her house since returning home. Again he felt his heart plummet.
This was not the way he had envisaged her return home to go at all. He had imagined he would be waiting for her at the airport and the moment he saw her he would run towards her and take her in his arms and just hold her like he was never ever going to let her go. And then he would kiss her, softly at first but he knew it would have gotten out of control and he wouldn't have cared less who would be watching. He would kiss her like they were the only ones in the room, passionately and lovingly. Many a night as he lay in bed alone he would imagine that scene and he would crave to have her in his bed beside him. But it never eventuated and the way things were right now he didn't believe it ever would again. As much as he loved her, as much as he knew what she was going through, he was feeling hurt. He was tired of being the one to always jump through hoops to make things work. It exhausted him.
He still loved her, he knew he always would, but right now he didn't like her very much.
But God damn he wanted her back, the Kensi he had lost.
"Come on buddy, we have to get back or I am going to be late for work. It's all I would need to have Hetty on my case right now. It's tough enough as it is. We'll have some breakfast then I gotta go and you can have your doggie party or whatever it is you do all day long every day. Hmm, knowing you though, you probably just sleep." Monty wagged his tail and ran up the sand towards the car. "You're one smart dog Monty," Deeks laughed, one of few laughs he had had lately. Funny thing, it was only with Monty that he did laugh. Everything and everyone else made him feel depressed. He wondered if life would ever be fun again.
On the short drive home he chatted to Monty. His favourite pal kept him sane at a time when he didn't feel very sane. Back at home Deeks started making breakfast, subconsciously going through the motions as his mind wandered again. As he cooked he looked round his apartment. He was hit with a sudden pang of longing when his mind went back to the last time Kensi was in his apartment. It was the night they had made love for the very first time after a very awkward date, if you could call it a date.
He hadn't asked her on a date specifically and she had called him out on it. He had decided on the spur of the moment that he was going to be honest with her and tell her how much he wanted her. He could hardly believe it when she got up from the table so they could do just that. His eyes moved slowly to the open door of his bedroom as he remembered the night they spent together making slow sweet love. He would go so far as saying it was the best night in his life ever. He'd shown Kensi how much she means to him and she had shown him.
The next day they had promised one another they would work it all out until that unforseen day with a crazy case with knives and thumb drives and Ghurkhas before Kensi was stolen away from him without so much as a goodbye. He was one hundred percent positive If she never had gone, if she had stayed home in LA, they wouldn't be in this situation right now, they would be together, a couple. Again he blamed Hetty.
His appetite now totally gone, he looked down at his eggs in the frypan making his stomach roll. Too many times over the last three weeks this had happened, and even in the preceding four months. The thought of food turned his stomach and he popped the eggs in Monty's bowl. "At least you are eating well Monty. I think you are getting a little fat." No wonder with all the extra food he was getting that he would cook and suddenly not feel like eating. Problem was, he was getting thinner.
He grabbed his gear from his bedroom and after a quick check got ready to leave. It used to be his haven but it wasn't anymore. Monty looked up from his additional breakfast and whined as he opened the door. "I'll be back Monty. Don't you worry, you are all I have at the moment."
The drive to work was done by memory as it was so often these days. Work helped him get by but he didn't know if his heart was in it anymore. It was hard for him to be around Callen and Sam these days too. They both seemed to understand what he was feeling, going so far as to say they thought Kensi had been blinded on that day and wrong and she would come around. But they loved Kensi too, so they gave her plenty of leeway making Deeks feel rejected again, even if he wasn't being rejected.
He didn't think anyone would ever expect to understand what he was feeling. So much so he had gone to seek help again. He couldn't see Nate so he chose another doctor that the LAPD often used. That had turned out to be a waste of time seeing he couldn't reveal anything from the classified mission and what he could tell him, had made him sound like a spoilt teenager. He gave up on that idea. There was no one else he felt he could see but Nate, and Deeks was pretty sure he was seeing Kensi, so that was out of the question.
"Good Morning," Deeks said as he walked into the Bullpen. The familiar surroundings made him feel somewhat better.
"Good Morning Deeks," came the all too familiar voice that he loved so much. It was far too cheerful.
He stopped dead in his tracks, his heart pounding uncontrollably. "Kensi!" he whispered. "How are you," Deeks asked.
She gave a weak smile "I'm good. Are you good?" She was acting like nothing had happened in the last 5 months, as if everything was like it was before. She angled her head to look at him defiantly.
It felt like a challenge. "Yeah. I'm good," he said to her putting his bag down on his desk and taking his seat. He watched her intently, taking note of the dark circles under her eyes. So she wasn't sleeping. He knew how that felt seeing he wasn't getting a whole lot himself.
"You look like you've seen a ghost," Kensi said with a hint of mischievousness in her voice, almost cheerfully. He didn't understand what she was doing.
"Well I just didn't expect to see you today." This was more difficult than he had imagined it would be. He thought she would come back angry, but she was acting like everything was the same as before she left. Actually, she was acting like they used to, before that amazing night at his place. Before they both agreed they had a 'thing'. He bit his bottom lip to stop himself saying something he would regret.
"Hetty didn't tell you I was coming back in today?"
"No," Deeks said looking in the direction they would usually find Hetty. She was missing and he felt the familiar rush of anger. "She didn't," he added bluntly.
The two senior agents watched the interaction with interest, giving each other a nod as the conversation continued painfully. Deeks had no idea that they both empathised with him. They had seen how much he had missed Kensi while she was gone, how it affected him and how worried he had been when they had been called in for the rescue mission. They knew what Kensi meant to the detective. They had also seen how much he had stepped up his game while she was away, doing his work admirably. Kensi would be unaware of the fact that the three men had become very close while she was away.
"Welcome back Kensi. You've been missed." Callen finally said, for which Deeks was thankful. He didn't know if he could continue with the false niceties.
She turned to look at Callen. "Thanks Callen, it's great to be back. I missed you guys too."
"Welcome back Kensi," Sam said to her smiling.
"Thanks Sam." She nodded at him then realised his eyes had gone back to Deeks with concern. She frowned. Since when did Sam look out for Deeks?
"Yeah, welcome back," Deeks muttered looking down at his desk as he did so. He realised he hadn't said it and thought he should, even if it didn't sound genuine. He didn't see it, but Kensi was surprised at his demeanour. Her frown remained.
"Thanks," she grunted and got up from her desk. Without another word she walked out heading towards the armoury.
Deeks made to follow her and Sam stopped him. "Let her go Deeks. It's hard for her too."
Deeks screwed up his face in disbelief and turned on his co worked. "How can you say that? Do you know how she's made me feel for the past three weeks?"
"Yes Deeks, we do. But she has to work this out in her head. You have to work it out too. You have to work it out together." He paused and took a breath, studying the man sitting next to him in an agitated state. "You need to give it time."
Deeks shook his head. It was good advice but it was hard to take. "Man, I don't know if I can."
"So what are you saying Deeks. You can't work with her anymore, or you can't work here anymore?" Callen spoke up finally. Deeks looked at him and what he first thought was Callen attacking him was actually Callen supporting him.
"I don't know." Was all he could answer and it reminded him again of the time he didn't know where his future here lay. The time after his torture when he had told Kensi he needed to get away from everything, before opening up to her and in his own way told her she was the one who saved his life. He knew then that he couldn't walk away. He needed Kensi, however she was. He looked at Callen. "Honestly Callen, I don't know. Look at her, she seems to be ready, but there seems to be some underlying issue. But I can't leave her. I can't."
"Yeah, well, we know what those issues are and I don't know if she has dealt with them properly yet. But Nate wouldn't have cleared her if she wasn't ready." He went back to his paperwork before looking up again. "Keep an eye on her and let me know how it's going."
Deeks nodded. He knew he would take care of her even if he was hurting. If anything ever happened to her because he had neglected her, he would never forgive himself. He would always have her back, always. He felt like there was a ping pong game going on in his head, constantly back and forth. He was hurt and angry with her, but he loved her with his every being at the same time. It was exhausting.
"But what about you Deeks Are you okay? Can you get through this?" Callen continued. "We do know how you feel about Kensi."
Deeks smiled sadly. He had never been able to keep his feelings about Kensi hidden from anybody after that night. He had driven everyone crazy with his missing her and he made no secret of their relationship. Well, he'd tried but it didn't work. What would be the point anyway, they would see it when she returned. But it hadn't worked out that way and now they all knew how he felt and there was no relationship to speak of. "Yeah, a broken heart won't stop me from working. I'm good."
"It'll work out Deeks. Just give her time," Callen said to him and Deeks could hear the genuine concern in his voice.
"Love your optimism, I wish I had it."
Three weeks, he thought since his world came crashing down. He wondered if the next three weeks would treat him any better.
*Please bear with me on this. I am totally out of my comfort zone writing this story because I am more a Sweet happy ever after story type of person. This is a challenge to me to write so much hurt and angst. I'd also like to add that this is most definitely NOT the way I want the story to play out on our TV screens. There I want Happy Densi. Thanks for all the reviews and follows. It means a lot to me.*