To be fair to Kog'Maw, he honestly did want to please his mentor. He just couldn't get his mind around the library. Cho'Gath seemed to love the musty old room, sometimes spending hours in silence amidst its shelves, and Kog couldn't see why. Heaven knows he'd tried, sampling a little here and there when the elder voidspawn wasn't around, but this only complicated the mystery – what would anyone want to do with snacks so dry and dusty? The texture was not so terrible, chewy and tough on the outside with hundreds of leafy layers in the middle. As for flavor, at best there was a vague smokiness in the older volumes or an acrid tang in the newest, but nothing special, nothing that would explain Cho's fascination with the room.
But Kog was determined to please Cho'Gath, and despite Cho's fears, the youngster had indeed been learning during his stay at Gath Manor. He had learned, for instance, that unappealing food can sometimes be made tasty with one of this world's more dazzling luxuries, a treasure unheard of in the Void, and it was this that Kog'Maw decided would unlock the secrets of the library:
Sauce. He didn't like the books because he hadn't found the right sauce for them. Once he'd thought it, it seemed so obvious.
So, while Cho'Gath was away at some stuffy gathering where no one would be eating and everyone would be standing around, all like "Oh, hum, yes" or whatever (Kog's social education was lagging a bit), Kog decided to surprise his mentor. By the time Cho came home, Kog meant to have an appreciation for fine literature.
He went to the kitchens first. The staff at Gath Manor had learned to give Kog'Maw a wide berth when possible and to give him whatever he wanted the rest of the time. The kitchens were nearly empty when Kog waddled in, only a human pot washer scrubbing away at the sink and a wizened old yordle, standing on a stepladder and fussing over a great simmering cauldron. The pot washer was new, and according to standard hazing procedure for new staff, no one had told him that they worked for void monsters. So when Kog scrabbled onto a countertop and started screeching "Sauce! Sauce!" with unearthly need, the poor man lost control of every part of himself that it is funny to lose control over: his legs became overcooked noodles as he stumbled back; his eyes gushed tears in spirited but futile self-defense; and the commerce of his bowels, usually strictly regulated, turned suddenly, disastrously laissez-faire.
"Sauce!" Kog demanded, unimpressed as the pot washer completed his retreat, cowering behind the elderly yordle as best as a six-foot man can possibly hide behind a two-foot halfling. The yordle hadn't even turned to acknowledge Kog yet. As his coworker's sanity frayed into ribbons behind him, the cook slowly, deliberately withdrew his wooden spoon from the pot and slowly, deliberately tasted it.
"Mm," said the yordle after careful deliberation. "Yes, sauce. At once." Slowly, deliberately, the yordle descended his step ladder, and after a number of other actions that his arthritis made slow and deliberate, he'd retrieved a rope, tied it to the handle of the cauldron, and handed the other end to the young master. Kog grabbed the rope excitedly and dragged the cauldron out of the kitchen with him while the old yordle retrieved some brandy for the potwasher.
The cauldron contained twenty gallons of a spicy red concoction from Shurima that Kog had taken a particular liking to, and it was not unusual for him to go through this amount in a day. It took him twenty minutes to drag the load where he was going, in which time random sloshing and reckless snack breaks had depleted his store and ruined several expensive rugs. Still, when he arrived at the heavy oak doors of the library, he had far more sauce left than you or I would know what to do with.
The great experiment was afoot.
Cho'Gath got home a few hours later. Milo was pacing frantically at the front door, waiting desperately to warn the master of the situation vis-à-vis his beloved library, but he of course tended to the master's hat and coat first. Cho might have noticed that the handless butler was a little distraught, but he had been scheming for the whole carriage ride home, and he was chuckling to himself now about how he would tempt his young ward into high society. This would be grand fun, such very grand f-
A cold chill ran up Cho's invertebrate back. Kog'Maw was currently dipping a rare first folio of Wimbliwam's Wudgy-Pudgy Cycle, widely considered the finest example of classical yordle tragedy. The smell of the red sauce filled Kog with delight, while the master of the house, still at the front door and ignorant of Kog's doings, could not understand where this sudden, inexplicable dread was coming from.
"Milo, I'll be meeting my charge in the parlor shortly," he told the butler.
"Of course, sir, I shall retrieve him immediately," Milo said, hoping to warn the master at this point of his imperiled books. "Though if I may, sir, you may wish to…"
At this moment, Kog was ripping out the first few pages of Wudgy-Pudgy in the Candy Forest, which had moved Cho'Gath to weeping openly when he'd first seen it. Cho shuddered inexplicably again as the young void spawn started swallowing the well-sauced pages in great handfuls. "Hm. And I think I should like a warm brandy, too. The night vapors are getting to me, I fear," Cho said.
"Of course, sir. Uh, about your charge, sir…" Milo said, but he was interrupted again as the master's hat and coat fell in a heap to the floor. Milo was none to complain about his injuries, heavens no, but navigating a coat hanger sans hands is a tricky proposition.
"Not to worry, Milo, I've been talking it over with the boys, and I think I've got just the thing to turn him around." Wudgy-Pudgy's act IV soliloquy hit Kog'Maw's digestive juices just then, and Cho cried out involuntarily. "Heavens. Do see about that brandy, would you, Milo? I might have a touch of the grip coming on."
Milo, fumbling no less with his words than with his stumpy arms, could say nothing to delay Cho as he repaired to the parlor.
The plan was simple: he just needed to convince Kog that he'd just come back from a huge party, that huge parties were fabulous things that Kog would want to go to, and that he'd only be allowed to go if he learned some proper etiquette. But when Kog'Maw finally waddled into the parlor twenty minutes later, Cho nearly despaired.
The young voidspawn was filthy. None of the stains exactly indicated that he'd been in the library, but he trailed red, saucy footprints on the floor as he padded in and, before Cho could stop him, left a big saucy smear on the back of the armchair that he flopped into. Cho could not fathom how condiments had gotten on the voidling's back, but he was not exactly surprised.
They sat in silence for a moment, both of them disappointed and frustrated, feeling as though their efforts had been pointless. Cho had poured weeks into this, and the little brute still couldn't even be bothered to wash up after apparently rolling around in his food; while Kog had spent the whole afternoon eating books and, still thinking they tasted yucky, didn't understand their appeal any more than he had before.
"Well," Cho'Gath finally said. He paused for effect, sipping his brandy. "Look at you. You haven't listened to a damned thing I've told you – I suppose you think you've got everything figured out pretty well already, so why should I even bother?"
Kog gurgled in confusion. He eventually responded, thinking they were talking about eating books, "No. Try to understand, but…no understand."
Cho nearly spilled his brandy. He'd been expecting silence or a glob of burning spit, but Kog actually sounded like he wanted to get it. Perhaps Kog had true motivation, after all. Perhaps…perhaps there was still hope…
He regained his composure, shaking off his uncertainty and looking his protégé in the eye, which was no mean feat when one's protégé has a multitude of eyes all over his head.
"This is where we find ourselves, then – Lady Luxana Crownguard is coming out one month hence."
Kog chuckled like my foolish readers, unaware as my stupid readers no doubt are that "coming out" refers in this case to a lady's debut as a grown, eligible woman, from which we derive the more familiar term "debutante," and not to her outing herself as a homosexual. He didn't have any access to literature growing up, at least, but what the hell is your excuse? No, no! Don't bother trying to explain yourself! I've wasted enough time already.
Cho sighed at Kog and my truly idiotic readers. "You'll be making your first formal appearance in high society then, too. You'll like it – there's food and drink and all sorts of amusements, but you have to know how to conduct yourself. If you don't have a firm grip on etiquette by then, you'll get us both laughed out of civilized company for the foreseeable future – do you understand?"
Kog considered this. There was food and drink, but he'd have to learn some things or he wouldn't be able to go. He nodded.
"Yes. Well, then, it shall be a grueling month for us both, then – I doubt I shall have time to set foot even once in my beloved library, but no matter," Cho conveniently said. "By my troth, my boy, one month hence you shall be a true gentleman!"