"Don't worry I'm sure your friends will get us out of here" Gus throws the comment over his shoulder at John in a comforting manner.
"Yeah, that's what I'm worried about" is all he can mutter because while he wants out of this hellhole, he doesn't want it at the cost of his friend's lives. Lorna is pregnant and she's no good with out Marcos, plus shatter and sage are needed the most at HQ and Clarice... John doesn't even want Clarice within ten feet of here because already cops are swarming and she has the most distinct features with her indigo hair and those damn bottomless, beau- big eyes. She'll be the most easily identifiable one. Just thinking of her and all he can see, is those eyes smiling at him, teasing him, giving him some smart ass respond that's just too damn witty to not smile at.
Except the last time he'd seen them they were guarded so high that he couldn't read her at all and what he could see were betrayal and anger. He had wanted to shake her because this thing they did was war and no dreamer shouldn't have done that but shit even now he couldn't come up with an alternative plan; But they should have told her, right away.
That's where they had really messed up. He knows he should have gone straight to her and told her, should have just put it out in the open. She had called him a user and he had lashed out because he knew she had a point and that had made him just feel worse. So no he doesn't want her within 50 miles of here; he's already hurt her enough. He wants her far away; somewhere safe where no one and nothing can even upset her, let alone hurt her.
Complicated.
He can't help but snort. It sounds bad even to his own ears now but he's not sure if he could have given her better answer.
Its not like he could have said "Yes that look was real, but don't ask me what it meant cause I have no clue because everything I was sure about, every rule and belief and guideline I had disciplined into myself goes out the window when you're around. And I can't trust myself when it comes to you because I have no clue what I'll do and exactly how far I'll go to keep you safe and happy." He can't help but drag a hand over his face, he sounded pathetic even in his own head, because he wasn't this guy. This romantic hero and he's pretty sure that Clarice herself would rip his head off if she found out that he wanted to bubble wrap her up. After letting her spirit animal beat her up he thinks with a smile on his lips.
"Man this not the time to be dreaming about your girl and here Regan was worried about your loyal puppy dog bringing you down" Gus makes the statement with a shove and John can't help but push his hair back in frustration. Now was not the time for Gus to bring in Sonia.
"I told you Sonia and I broke things off a while back" he expects that to be the end of it except Gus is not done and genuinely looks at him confused
"Sonia? I meant Clarice. Regan meant Sonia" and Johns head snaps in his direction so fast Gus is holding his hands up before John can utter a word
" Easy man, easy. She's the one you've always been muttering about. Since that chick walked in every other sentence I get from you is about her. I figured if she's on your mind so much something is going on. I mean all this talk of 'training' come on bro we served in the marines not a monastery " but John looks at him like he's lost his mind and Gus's face morphs first into surprise and then a full on laugh and John's not sure what his friend finds so damn funny but knows that its directed at him and he's not in the mood to be laughed at right now. He shoves Gus, because a punch from him would cause more damage than anything else, but Gus is now on a roll.
"Wait, wait so all these texts about 'Clarice this and Clarice that' you're telling me that all you've gotten is a few training sessions. Oh man! Johny boy you've got it bad"
"Shut up man, I care about my people. Sue me for trying to help" John snaps back but there is no real bite into it partially cause Gus's laugh is infectious and partially because he is extremely aware how screwed he is when it comes to Clarice though he is not ready to admit it.
"Help? John we text everyday and I'm pretty sure I can pinpoint the moment you met Clarice because every convo since then, you've brought her up. But come on man you're our lady-killer. I've seen the way girls fall over themselves for you. Are you telling me you haven't even kissed her?" Gus is searching his friends face for a hint but rather than a hint of embarrassment all he sees is …Pain?
"John come on man I was joking" he goes for humor and John smiles back but he's never been an actor and Gus knew him better than anyone.
"Hey, is everything alright? What's going on?" the mirth is now replaced with worry and while John shakes his head at first Gus is not letting up and suddenly the weeks of worry and turmoil and guilt start pouring out of him. Gus first looks dumfounded, horrified and then his face becomes a mask of resolve as he let John unload everything. From the number of refugees the Struckers, how the kids powers were extraordinary but the parents painfully ordinary that it was tripping them up, to Lorna and Marcus being pregnant, with Marcos being back in with the cartel and Lorna ready for battle this very minute; plus seeing Pulse alive, feeling guilt because Sonia was still very into what they had while all he felt was the comfort of the familiar and Clarice. Meeting her, the memory and now the fallout.
He should be embarrassed, John thinks, here he is with seven of his fellow marines, each with big problems of their own and he is prattling on about too many refugees and feelings. But Gus must have seen his self-deprecation on his face cause he kicks John with his steal leg.
"Hey, stop that! There is nothing to feel embarrassed about. I'm your brother remember? Once a marine, always a marine. Besides, if you don't tell me who will you tell? Honestly John what you're going through is more than most people go through in a lifetime. I don't know how you haven't just walked away" Gus says with a shake of his head and suddenly John is back at that dusty warehouse with Emerald eyes peering at him from beneath thick lashes asking the same question. He had felt so warm in that small room. It had just been the two of them for that moment, the world; Sonia sentinel services all had felt worlds away. He wouldn't have minded staying in there with her forever.
"She asked you that didn't she?" Gus question brings him back to now and John looks at him muddled. Gus chuckles and shakes his head before looking up in disbelief.
"God you probably don't even know the look you get every time she's on your mind, do you?" and John groans in frustration; he really could do without the teasing right now and Gus laughs again.
"Alright, alright, I'll give it a rest you hard head but listen to me for a second" there is a serious tone in his voice that John rarely hear from Gus and it has him turning to fully look at Gus.
"This is not just your war. It is all of ours, mutant, human, man, women, old and young. You are a leader, sure, and it sucks; but you have an army that you need to trust to have your back because they all trust you to lead them. But that's just battle. Outside of that world people will make their own choice, their own judgment and that is not on you. You're job is to keep them safe under your roof and to give them the best chance on the battlefield. But John, this path is a hard one for anyone don't make it a lonely one too." Gus's words lifts something off of John and suddenly he feels empty, like he's floating and his muscles feel too heavy for his body.
"How? How can I, condemn, anyone else to this life. They'll be a target just because of me. If I, care about them how can I put them through that"
"It's a war, John. We're all dead men walking"
It's Regan, the only female marine of their platoon. She and her husband, Dean had been a staple in their volunteer group for years now and she always gave John flack for having "a super hero complex" as she called it.
"Thanks for accepting our invitation to join the conversation" Gus deadpans and Regan gives him a one-finger salute in response without a beat.
"Please its not like we all haven't imagined worst scenarios every damn time this one goes radio silence for too long" and her sharp gaze locks on John and he wonders for the millionth time how it is that he feels like a kids brother with his hand in the cookie jar when Regan, who is a foot shorter than him, stares him down with her onyx eyes.
"You have people that care about you. And you're not the only one who'd be hurt if we loose someone. Frankly its comforting to know that despite all this craziness your biggest problem is girl problems." And John now does grown because that's all he needs, flack for his mess with Clarice.
If he was honest though, he knows she's right. It is nice to have his group around him like this. Sure they're in deep shit here waiting, praying for sentinel services to move past this area, so they can make a move to a safer location; but its comforting to know his team is still the same. It takes him back to his last tour, camping in the dessert late at night as the sand dunes dances with each passing of the wind, the sky lit up with millions of stars that twinkled on off for hours only to fade into the dusty morning sky all the while they had sat and dreamt about ordinary lives miles away. But ordinary had not been their destiny not even years later not even when they had come home.
"How and I mean how could you be so stupid? Your ex messes with someone, your new girl's head and rather than reverse it right away; you go for the ride?"
"It wasn't like that" John grits out in exasperated defeat "It was an emergency"
"Ok, so why didn't she take the memory out right away. Or tell her right away. You know this John. Decency matters most when we are under pressure. Rights matter when the world is going to hell. We are fighting monsters John and if we're not careful we'll become them"
"I Know!" John repeats in frustration, feeling thoroughly chastised "But Sonia-"
"Sonia nothing that bitch looks at you like the sun and the moon rise and set out of your ass. She's too fatal attraction honestly and you just go with it because you're half guilty and she's familiar. You don't need a princess looking to be rescued, who's so blinded by you that they'll take the easiest rout because all they'll see is you. You, you need a partner who'll have your six no matter what. Who'll hold you accountable and who'll let you hold them accountable. Someone who is strong enough that you don't spend every minute of the day worrying if they are crumbling or not. Someone who'll fight the fight with you, not for you."
"Oh, is that what you did? Is that why your husband is always with you on every mission? Plus you've never even met Clarice" It's a weak jab but its all he has right now and the fact that Regan looks at him with sad eyes, like he's missing the whole point, only serves to make him feel more a kid.
"He's with me because we make each other better. And I don't have to meet her to know that she's got to be hell of a woman to have the almighty John 'Thunderbird' Proudstar thinking about anything else but the mission and the x-man for one second. This isn't about her, it's about you. You know what I think? I think you were worried that Clarice would just leave."
"Of course! I- was we needed her help-"
"No you were worried she'll leave you. That without the memory she wouldn't be interested in you. You got scared John. Its ok. It happens to the best of us but get your head out of your ass. You're so good at fighting for everyone else. Figure out if this Clarice chick is what you want and if she is fight for your happiness." There is a pause and Gus lets out a long whistle.
"That's some Yoda shit right there Proudstar, take some damn notes"
"Like to see you try to do any better tin-man" Regan throws the jab right back and the bickering intensifies although John knows that they are trying to keep the tension moving and it works because their voices drain out all other thoughts from his head when suddenly there is a loud boom followed by a massive tremor.
There is an explosion that rocks the whole building and debris begins to fall from all corners and John knows that pulse must be in the vicinity cause he heard nothing. Saw nothing.
The group of them scramble as fast as they can toward the exit but the stairs crumble in front of them and the shaking is so bad that they're all brought to their knees as the walls and ceiling begins to crumble around them and something hard hits him in the head and he can actually feel pain like nothing he has felt before. His vision, his ever clear vision begins to swim as the voices begin to be farther and farther away. He cant help but think that here it is, the end.
"TAKE COVER" someone shouts as the group of them begins to duck and
Because he has no more will left and although he wants so much still from life he's body feels too heavy. He's exhausted and every time he tries to help he fails, with his underground compound, with pulse, with brothers in combat, with Clarice.
Suddenly the pain stops and there a rush of strength back into his muscles but his throbs and he still cant really hear anything and his vision is going in and out and is extremely blurry and he fills miles away.
There's a purple light and god he's gone for sure because there is no way she's here but then he sees her face and its so filled with concern and worry and he feels warm hands encompass his shoulders as though she's trying to shake him or something. She's worried, scared and that fact registers in his mind and all he knows now is that they need to leave. The smallest movement makes him more nauseous than he has ever been befor but despite the worst pain he had ever experienced in his life he uses the last of his will to get himself up. He's dimly aware that something is propping him up on either side but there's a change in pressure, more ground shaking and then silence as he feels himself going down and landing on something soft. There's a cool hand on his cheek and it takes way more effort than it should for him to open his eyes,
"John! John! Hold on John! Stay with me! Just stay with me!" and there is such desperation in that plea that he physically aches to do something that would have her stop feeling this pain. He tries to speak, to assure her, to pull her closer so that maybe she would see that he's ok. But his body is not acting right and even with all effort, all he manages to do is to focus his gaze on her for a moment; helpless to comfort her anymore as he sees Clarice's tear filled gaze peering down at him. He tries to speak but he feels his grasp on reality slip as Clarice's voice follows him into the darkness.
AN: Hello! So here is second to last chapter and I promise next chapter will be of the two of them together. I am trying to post it as fast I can, I love these two together but for some reason I cant pin them together in a scene yet. I've written and re-written so many versions and unfortunately there is so little that has been explored about them and how they may truly feel about each other that I'm flying far more blind than I'm used to. So I'm opening it to you, give me your thoughts please; what is it that makes them, as a couple, special? What about them, their relationship, should I try to capture that is the most important.