**A/N: I apologize for taking so long to get this chapter up. Somehow life always gets in the way when I want to do other things. I also apologize for this chapter being shorter, but the next chapter should be longer. Enjoy & comments are money in my inspiration bank. The more you deposit the more inspiration I expend. =)**
Chapter III
Reasons to be Missed
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither are you.
-Linkin Park, Leave Out All the Rest
We'd been speaking for hours, and I still felt she wasn't asking the questions she really wanted to. She was hoping for promises I knew I would be unable to make to her. Even under better circumstances, every relationship you opened yourself to left you vulnerable to the possibility of pain, and I would not be a part of any delusion she might wish to entertain.
"Bella, you know as well as I do that I can't answer that. Though I doubt seriously he can answer that question either, with any level of accuracy, if you were to speak to him, I'm sure he could at least ensure his intention. Even you can't hope beyond that with something so uncertain. Since Alice refuses to share anything she's seeing, everyone except her is at a disadvantage," I said to Bella, whose head was dropped down towards her lap. She sat on the opposite side of my desk from me, as she questioned me.
"I understand Carlisle, and I'm sorry to press you about it, but I'm sure you can see why this whole situation troubles me. I suppose I do need to let them know what choice I've made," she said to me, a frown crossing her brows and reminding me of the first time I'd met her in the hospital. Whatever she believed she was going to pursue, I was certain of that one thing about my newest daughter, she was tenacious, unafraid, and just a touch stronger than she ever gave herself credit for.
"Yes Bella," I agreed. "I believe that would be best. My son's are in a state of perpetual battle with each other, I would greatly prefer to see that end as soon as can be."
"What was it like when you first brought Esme home? Did it affect the relationship you'd developed with Edward?" she asked.
I sighed deeply, looking away for a moment to gather strength before meeting her eyes, and the truth. I'd never really spoken of that time with any of my children, and Edward and I kept a mutual bond of silence between us about it. "It did, but it had to Bella. There are notable differences to any circumstance which surrounds us today, from those between Edward and I at that time. Your change was more or less by your own will. You embraced it, and desired it from the moment you and Edward fell in love, something I am eternally grateful for. It was not the same with Edward, he loathed what I had made him, and has never embraced it entirely to this day. He still struggles with it every moment, and at that time, though I know he struggled with it greatly, Edward resented me for turning him into the monster he'd become. I know ultimately he loved me, always in a mentor sort of way, but in his state of constant resentment and self-loathing, I'm sorry to admit he wasn't adequate company. I thought perhaps having a confidant, a friend would be the best companion. It's what induced my acceptance of the offer Elizabeth, Edward's mother, made of him. I had no intention of turning anyone else, concerned the response of any other I might again be as negative as Edward's response had been. My wife almost literally fell into my lap at the hospital I was working in during that time. She's very beautiful, and the passionate light I saw buried behind the pain in her eyes moved me to action when I realized the only other choice was to let the light in those eyes go out. I couldn't have forseen then that healing her broken body was the first half of fixing her, but that healing her broken heart would be the easier half. After Esme's change ended, she endured the usual difficulties inherent to this life. I brought her into the home Edward and I shared then, and Esme saw in him the son she'd lost, and in me, the love she'd left behind. Without truly intending to, I'd created my family. I drew them in for various reasons and by influence of other will's in some cases, but I don't consider any of them as less than 'family' in any way for all that."
I felt a strange ease in telling this to Bella, as though somewhat relieved to have shared it with another. I smiled, "I'm not sure if that story helps you in any part of your decisions, but if nothing else I hope it at least informs you that I love you every bit as much as the rest of the children and will support you regardless of what choices you make."
Bella smiled in a sweet way that at one time I'm sure would have been accompanied by a blush. I stood and walked around my desk and reaching for her hand drew her up from the chair and embraced her. "This will be whatever you make it Bella. There's no knowing what it will mean, but I feel certain whatever choice you make we'll manage."
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Bella had been in Carlisle's study all day, and meanwhile, Edward and Jasper had been acting like a couple of territorial tabbies all day. Both of them had tried repeatedly to get me to divulge what my visions showed me, but I would not rob Bella of the opportunity to verbalize her own choice and display her strength. Too many choices had been taken out of her hands before, and I'd perpetuated some of them.
Edward and Jasper were having yet another clash in the meadow behind the house, Jasper's military skill always outweighed Edward's lack of training, but Edward's speed evened things out between them. I was sitting in the living room waiting for the telltale sound of the door of Carlisle' study opening upstairs. At precisely the moment I knew it would come, I heard the click of the door as Bella pulled it closed behind her. I stood and walked to the bottom of the stairs. When Bella reached the stairs, she looked down them at me. Her eyes held the same apology she'd conveyed to me that morning on the porch. I looked up at her,"Really Bella, I'm responsible for forcing you into this mess. You have nothing to apologize for. I honestly think I should be asking forgiveness from you," I said.
She began coming down the winding staircase, "No Alice, the only person who should apologize is Edward, and not because he owes me, but because he's truly recognized how wrong he is." She reached the bottom and tentatively stepped towards me with her arms out, as if she were unsure I'd hug her back. I reached forward and drew her into a deeply tight hug. Bella giggled, and made me giggle as well.
I stepped back and said, "I can't see that apology coming forth any time soon Bella. He's still too...I don't know, caught up in all the here and now, to recognize anything in the truths of yesterday or their influence on tomorrow," I said, frowning.
Bella smiled, "I know Alice. I wasn't expecting it. I just said that in my opinion he's the only one whom I'm looking for one from. Speaking of your seeing Alice, are you still keeping a strict silence from them?" she asked me.
"Yes Bella. I couldn't take that away from you. For once I want to see you voice your own decision without any of my family deciding it for you. And Bella, just to let you know, I will support you in your decision, and respect it."
She raised her arms in a helpless gesture and then let them fall back to her sides? "Thank you Alice," she said.
Just then a crash sounded from the back of the house, signaling the beginning of another Edward and Jasper battle. Bella looked at me, tipping her head towards the back door and raising an eyebrow.
I smiled, "Yes, that's them. They've been at it ever since you disappeared into the study with Carlisle."
She shook her head and walked in the direction of the rear door. "I'd like to see this if you don't mind, Bella." I said to her back.
She half-turned to me, and shined a radiant smile on me. "Of course not, Alice. Come on."
We stepped outside and found a blur. Edward and Jasper were moving and shifting around each other. Evenly matched as they were, it was a battle which would never end. Bella seemed to recognize this and cleared her throat audibly. Their movement immediately stopped. They both stood in crouches, which each quickly stood from. Edward looked at Bella with real and genuine fear in his expression. My heart went out to him, but knowing he'd placed himself in his predicament kept me from moving to his side.
Bella spoke then, "Edward, I realize that you truly love me in the only way you know how. In your own way, you were as new to love as I was when we met, no matter how many years you'd spent walking this world. I know it still affects you as only the first love can. Everything you have done, good or bad, has been done in the hopes of considering my wellbeing, health, and happiness. You've challenged enemies, fought friends and even battled your own internal nature for me and I honor you for all of this." Edward's tense stance relaxed while Bella spoke, and a smile which began small, spread warmly across his whole face as he walked a few timid steps in Bella's direction. She continued, "You've honored me with your love every day, but you seem to have forgotten one important thing Edward. Our entire relationship was based on my choice to stay by your side. You always said I had choices. Then after my 18th birthday you suddenly began taking my choice away. When it came to what was good for me, you suddenly ruled out what my opinion on that subject was. You began to disregard my feelings immediately, and even after we returned from Volterra, it stopped being about what I wanted. It was always 'This is what's best for you, Bella, trust me.' I warned you two years ago Edward that if you walked out of the door of our bedroom, that I would make a choice too." Bella contined while Edward stared at her with his jaw hanging slightly agape. "Well, you've come to that moment Edward, and you're going to have to live with the consequences of your actions that day, because I intend to stay with Jasper."
I'd already seen Bella and Jasper happy again, more sunshine days with one or the others head in the lap of the other. It was one thing to see this, and another thing to hear Bella's new, beautiful voice actually speak the words. I felt a sharp pain inside. My eyes shot to Jasper's, he continued to look at Bella for a moment, triumph and joy dancing in his eyes, but then the smile dropped away. He turned and looked at me, his face suddenly horrified. He took one step toward me as I felt his emotions roll out to meet me. It was a tight bundle of anguish, dismay, love, shock and worry. I looked at Jasper eye to eye for just a moment and then moved around him and walked up next to Edward, putting a hand on his shoulder. Jasper watched me pass by him and looked at me questioningly as I turned and looked back at him. I nodded to him slightly and then turned my attention back to Bella, who I found was watching me. I started when I realized it. "Alice, I won't force our presence on you, none of you need to leave, but I'm heading back to the house in Canada." She turned and faced Jasper, "Jasper, I won't force you, but I hope you'll return with me. I desperately want someone I know I'll be able to rely on, someone I can trust. Edward tells me he loves me, then leaves. You tried to leave, but then told me you love me. The past two years have been very difficult at times, but they ended up being the happiest months I've spent ever. I leave it to you," she said finally.
Jasper was looking her in the face again, and his face broke into a radiant smile. He moved to her side so quickly I nearly lost the movement. He took her hand again and said, "Of course I'll join you Bella," and he kissed her. It was at this moment that it became too much for Edward. He didn't say anything, he simply ran. I met Bella's eyes and she looked deeply into mine. "Please tell him when you catch up to him that we'll stay away for another two years, and that if he has the strength to return at that time, I will make my choice again. Let him know though that he will still have only a 50/50 chance. Also," she glanced at Jasper for a moment, pulling her hand out she rested her palm on his cheek as he looked at her, "that he has this one night, if he chooses, to spend time with me, as you and Jasper have together. Then we will again go our separate ways." I nodded quickly and ran after Edward.
It wasn't difficult to find him. He'd only run far enough to get away from all of our internal voices. I walked up to him as I stepped out of the trees. "Alice, I'd like to be alone, if you wouldn't mind."
"Of course," I said, "but I do have a message for you from Bella. She wants me to tell you that she wants this to be another two year period she spends with Jasper, at the end of which, if you have the strength to come back, that she'll again make a choice." Edward's shoulders slumped noticeably, but his posture brightened when I added, "Also...for tonight only if you choose to, you can spend the night with Bella, and Jasper and I will spend an evening together." He looked quickly up at me, hope smoldering in his eyes. "Tonight?" he asked. "Yes," I answered.
And again, he was gone.
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(Bella's POV)
I walked out of the library and into the front room, lying myself down on the settee. I lay in the sunlight streaming in the window and laid the book on the cushion by my side. I closed my eyes and let the sun shine through the prism of my eyelids. I suddenly began to envision things, I could see Edward's eyes looking at me in the middle of a dark night, his warm-golden eyes glowing against the dark bedspread on his his bed. His pale hand reaching out to cup my face, and his lips coming closer to mine in the darkened room. I opened my eyes as I heard the front door open. I heard Jasper's voice then, "Bella?" His voice was tense. I knew that meant he'd spoken to Alice. This separation had been difficult for him. He had no idea that I'd already decided to return to the house in Forks and call this whole thing off.
Jasper was truly the best soul ever to have walked this earth. He was open, loving and beautiful, and I loved him for all that and much, much more. As I'd spent one night with Edward, a night which kept replaying instances of itself through my mind, he'd spent one night with Alice. When we'd left the next morning, not one face among us looked happy. The last time, when Edward had left to escape the knowledge of what lay ahead of us all, there had been anger, astonishment, sadness and incomprehension on the faces of everyone as we left. This time, as Jasper and I loaded the car, said our goodbyes, and drove away, every face held absolute anguish. I wanted to end it then, eliminate the facade I was trying to keep up, but I knew I'd have to make it through some of the time if I was ever going to have any level of recognition by Edward, and even to some extent, Alice. She understood of course, much better than Edward did. A part of me had still wanted her to be aware of what her visions could affect and to what degree. Not punishment, just a bit like bringing a criminal in to see what the cost of his crimes did to his own family, kind of thing, really.
As before though, I missed Edward, and Jasper was desperately missing Alice. They were the victims. I knew Jasper would stand by my side as long as I needed him to. He loved me that much, and loved that much in general. But he belonged with her.
The first month after we'd arrived, we'd fallen easily into the same happy enjoyment of each others company as before, reading to each other, then there would be "moments". We'd be lying somewhere in the house together, there would be a meeting of eyes, followed by tender kisses. Jasper would lean into me and I'd revel in the pleasure of his body against mine. Jasper would undress me casually as he dropped his clothes in a lazy way, then he'd play me like an instrument, his lips pressing themselves into all the right notes, never going off key once. He'd move his mouth across and then down my stomach until he'd kissed and dragged his tongue across all the sensitive parts to the most painfully sensitive spot of all. His lips and tongue would glide across me, and into me while his fingers mastered my bodies every movement. He'd bring me into a passionate craze with his mouth, only then lifting himself until his completely bare body would gently lean against mine as he'd slide himself in with desperately slow patience. I'd find myself lifting my hips against Jasper and begging him to fill me. He would do as I asked and his lips would bring out cries from mine. He'd lean into my neck, brushing his lips against it and say, "Loving you comes easy Bella. I'm your prisoner when I feel you this way, I want to imprison you too, I love the feeling, when we break free together." Then he'd force himself as deeply into me as he could go, and begin the constant battering only he knew how to do. Our bodies would crash against each other until I cried out with him. Free again.
Jasper called again, "Bella?" his tone a little more insistent because I hadn't answered after his first call. "Did you find anything you liked?" I said softly. He came through the door of the room a moment later. "There you are," he said, sounding relieved. "I always...I'm just, wait, what did you ask?" he said, really looking at me.
I laughed at his inattention, "I asked if you found anything you liked."
"Oh," he said, with a look in his eyes I couldn't place. It was gone before I could really pay it much attention. "No. Not really." He turned away and began setting the things he'd carried into town, down. He'd made a trip to a bookstore in Ottawa.
He turned back to me and faced me again. "You feel...melancholy, is everything alright?" he asked. I saw that look cross his eyes again, fleetingly. I still couldn't actually decide what that look was.
"Yes, I was just missing the family," I said, thinking of one member specifically. "Have you heard from anyone?"
After the last phone call from Edward, I had sworn I wouldn't answer my phone anymore, so Jasper had brought his own. He'd been looking me straight in the face, but as he answered he turned away and said, "Here and there. Not much." His movements, normally so strong and sure, seemed out of sync and awkward.
"Jasper, I don't have to be an empath to see that you're obviously lying. Is everything alright with you?" I asked. He stopped and stood straight, stretching to his true height, and turned back around to look me in the eyes again. I expected him to admit to talking to Alice, I thought perhaps he might even have been in contact with Edward, or possibly Carlisle. Maybe even both. I guessed we might end the night talking about our travel plans, even what to do about this house. Jasper had decided he liked it enough to buy it two weeks back. Another Cullen home, though it was likely the least imposing of them all. I did not expect the answer he gave me though.
"I just spent a couple of hours on the phone with Alice, to be honest. I had to tell her that I thought it was time we faced the truth of this situation and said our final goodbye to each other."
I sat bolt upright on the settee Jasper and I had spent so many happy hours on, "You said WHAT?!"
I struggled to get control of myself. The fact that I was a vampire seemed to have no effect whatsoever on my ability to feel like I was hyperventillating. Jasper bounded over the table between us and knelt at my side. "Bella, what is it? Was I wrong? You made your choice, I made my committment, I thought letting Alice go was what the right thing to do. Bella...please, say something."
I curled forward, ducked my head against the soft cushion, crawled off the side of the seat and stood up getting control of my breathing again. I didn't need the oxygen, but I certainly did want the air. I walked to the picture window in the living room and turned back to Jasper. "I'm sorry Jasper," I began. "Of course you felt you needed to resolve things between you and Alice, I was just shocked to hear you did it so soon," I said.
Jasper had watched me walk away from him, and still hadn't moved out of his kneeling position by the seat. He stood then and walked towards me, he took my hands and held them against his chest. "I didn't see any reason to wait. I know I love you, you've chosen to stay with me, so I began making the necessary changes. First I bought this house for us, and then I spoke with Carlisle about our finances and arranged for a separate account for our use should we need it. I have to admit I was very concerned about how saying goodbye to Alice was going to be, because I do love her so very much, but she made it easy for me. She said she'd already seen my future, knew it was happy and that she could see I was where I belonged." He leaned forward and kissed my forehead, releasing my hands and reaching around my back, drew me in against him. "I couldn't disagree with her Bella. I love you, and I told you, I'm here for you and you can trust in me to never leave you."
I wouldn't make Jasper suffer after he'd given me such significant consideration. He said goodbye to Alice, he'd let her go so he could hold on to me. How could I betray that? I had made my choice, and made it clear to everyone. I'd chosen Jasper over Edward. It was a decision I was going to have to make a point of honoring. It wasn't terribly difficult, Jasper is a man who is easy to love and hard to resist.
"I know I can trust you Jasper, it was the main reason I chose you over Edward, but if this is going to work, we have to be honest with each other," I said, knowing it was just a bridge to confession.
"I agree, I wouldn't be with you under any other terms Bella. I have to give Edward credit though, he recognized the good in you. He wanted so badly to be a better man for you, to just be a man for you. The problem was that Edward gave up before he began because he had no hope that he could overcome his nature. I wanted to honor the woman you are by being a better man myself, since the moment I first met you Bella. Long before any of these conflicted feelings and emotions began. I love Alice, in a way that will always make her a part of me. However, my committment is now to you."
I frowned, knowing I was going to have to say something similar, but by no means with the same confidence as the end of his statement. "I do still find myself thinking of Edward often, and...if I'm honest with myself, which I seldom am - I think I'm still in love with him. I can't deny that it is something outside of the love I feel for you Jasper, and the intimacy we grew to so slowly over the last year has changed me. I will commit to this relationship with you Jasper, until two years have passed."
And so the contentedness stole over our cottage. We enjoyed every moment of the long afternoons spent luxuriating in our companionship, deeper friendship, and love. Things remained settled and peaceful, until that night. That night when the front door opened, and Edward stood before me and Jasper in a towering rage.