title: Welcome to FMS
AU: High school, although I didn't do my research as thoroughly as Joan because I'm lazy as chicken scratch.
Pairings: Raim OTP, Rayzel brOTP, and a bunch of guest pairing mentions. (Day 3)
Warnings: Swearing, implied... stuff. OOC and crackiness. Read at your own risk.
SQUEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAK
Zoey woke up to the awful sound of her hamster alarm clock Jordan ringing. Well, awful because that meant she had to wake up. The noise itself wasn't too awful, especially because Jordan was her cute boopable son. (Things are complicated, don't ask.)
Booping her hamster alarm clock, she stretched and yawned, waking up Rachelly in the process. Rachelly had come over the previous night to sleep with her. Zoey slept with a lot of people. No, not like that. Well, sometimes like that. But not with Rachelly. Anyway, moving on.
"It's weird to see Jord morph from hamster to boy," commented Rachelly as Jordan transformed. "Cool, but weird."
Zoey papped Rachelly. "I like hamster Jord too, but boy Jord is sexy." She paused. "Anyway hamsters aren't allowed in school—which is a totally unfair rule—but that's our corrupted school system."
"We're going to school?" asked Rachelly, looking a bit confused.
"Of course!" exclaimed Zoey. "Hello, where have you been? We're going to FMS. Fandoms Minus Supernatural High School."
"FMS," muttered Hazel as she kicked a rock, walking through the hallways of the school while "What Does the Fox Say" blared over the PA. She passed by a classroom on fire, a Dalek, a hobbit, a sparkling vampire being murdered by a panda, and approximately fifty cats, but she barely batted an eye. That was just a typical day at FMS. "Stands for ** My School."
Her best friend, Ray, papped her. "** My School, yup. Not to mention Fandoms Minus Supernatural. MINUS SUPERNATURAL?! HOW CAN ANYONE MINUS SUPERNATURAL ANYTHING?!" Angrily, she stabbed Irma, who was just innocently walking by, killing her immediately. Luckily, she wasn't dead for long, being a cat lady with multiple lives. Not to mention people at FMS didn't stay dead for long.
"Hey, what was that for?" Irma said. She tried to look angry as she gave Ray a sweater for stabbing her. "I didn't do anything! I had nothing to do with the Minus Supernatural part! That was Dumbledore's decision! You should stab him!" Dumbledore was their headmaster.
Although Irma hadn't really meant anything, Ray took it seriously. "Stab Dumbledore? OKAY FINE I WILL! I love murdering people!"
Irma's eyes widened. "Ray, I was just jok—" Unfortunately, at that point, she passed by a yew tree in the hallway and promptly drowned.
Watching Irma drown, Hazel ate a bagel. Meanwhile, Ray looked down at the sweater she had received. "Raim? YOU GAVE ME A RAIM SWEATER?!" Even though Irma had already died twice, Ray killed her again. She probably would have killed Irma a fourth time, but the bell rang, meaning she had to get to class. Fuming, Ray stomped off to her chemistry class, while Hazel ambled over to her history class, taking her sweet time and munching on her bagel. She knew Professor Binns wouldn't mind. The boring old ghost never noticed anything.
On the other side of FMS, Zoey and Rachelly were sitting in their physics classroom.
"Physics!" exclaimed their new teacher, John Smith. "PHYSICSPHYSICS PHYSICSPHYSICSPHYSICS PHYYYYYSICS!"
"He's cute," whispered Zoey, eying the teacher.
"Zoey, he's the teacher, and he's like twenty years older, and you're already married/dating/involved with like five people, and I'm pretty sure he and that new lunch lady have something going on," Rachelly whispered back.
Zoey shrugged. "But dat ass."
Ray sat in chemistry, fuming. Instead of taking notes on whatever her always-drunk teacher, Mr. Abernathy, was babbling about, she was taking notes on how to kill Dumbledore. Of course she could always stab him, but then she would probably get caught. Ray wanted to kill Dumbledore and get away with it scot-free. And then maybe she would become Headmaster, and the school would be called Only Supernatural High School.
"Is that a Raim sweater I see?"
Ray's head whipped around so quickly that her neck almost snapped. Of course, that stupid Aim, her lab partner, had to ruin her life. Honestly, after she killed Dumbledore, Aim was next on her list. She just wanted to snog that stupid smirk off his face. Oops, stab. STAB. NOT SNOG.
"You wish," she hissed.
He shrugged. "Admit it, Ray, you're in love with me."
"I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU!" she screamed. Oops. The entire class was staring at her. Except for Mr. Abernathy, who had fallen asleep in a drunken stupor. Blushing furiously, she hit Aim with her oversized math textbook on the head to make herself feel better. He died immediately, while the class disappointedly went back to their notes. They were used to Ray killing people, and they knew Aim would revive soon. Sure enough, Aim woke up a few seconds later, still smirking. Ray fumed.
At this point, Mr. Abernathy woke up. "ALCOHOLLLL!" he yelled, slurring his words and holding up a liquor bottle. "ALCOHOL IS A SOLUUUUTION!"
The bell rang, ending the chemistry lesson.
During lunchtime, Ray sat down with Hazel. Ray was still fuming. Hazel was still eating a bagel.
"Do you ever stop eating those things?" Ray said.
"No. I have an unlimited supply. Bagels are my love," Hazel replied dreamily. "Anyway, I heard you and Aim got in on during chemistry class."
"SUCK MY **!" Ray screamed.
"SUCK MY **!" Hazel screamed back.
This went on for a while, when suddenly a shiny red convertible crashed through the windows and drove through the school. At the wheel was a giant panda wearing sunglasses, and in the back seat were several other pandas dressed in military uniforms.
"ANGELIQUA!" screamed Irma, clutching onto the wheel of the convertible, trying to stop Angel's driveby. Alas, she only fell off and died again from the crash. Irma was dying a lot today.
Ray sighed. "Anyway, Aim and I were not getting it on, okay you little **?"
Hazel raised her eyebrows but decided to give up on it for now, choosing instead to take a bite out of her bagel. After swallowing, she said, "Speaking of ships, I saw Squared cuddling in the hallway today. They're just so asdfghad." Squared referred to Jordan and Mels, the school's Golden Couple.
"Did you just say asdfghad?" said Aim, sliding into the seat next to Ray.
"YOU!" screamed Ray. "What are you doing here?!"
"I wanted to propose—"
Hazel interrupted with a very loud squeal. Ray and Aim both sent her a dirty look.
"A truce," Aim finished, still glaring at Hazel. "Propose a truce."
"Why?" said Ray, narrowing her eyes. It wasn't like Aim to do something like that, and she was naturally suspicious of others. It was in her demonic blood.
"Because I want to kill Dumbledore, and you want to kill Dumbledore. We can help each other so that we can both get what we want. It's only logical," Aim explained.
"Logic doesn't exist at FMS," Ray pointed out, but she had to admit that Aim was right. "Okay then, I agree with your truce." She paused. "Wait a minute. How did you know I want to kill Dumbledore?"
"You had the words I WANT TO KILL DUMBLEDORE all over your notebook in flaming red Sharpie with very graphic images," Aim pointed out.
"You little **!" Ray shrieked. "You don't read a girl's notebook like that!" He only smirked at her.
God, she wanted to snog him so badly. Stab! STAB. NOT SNOG.
"Whatever," said Aim. "Anyway, I have a plan. According to my sources—"
"What sources?" Ray interrupted, secretly impressed. He had really done his research.
"Yew," Aim replied. "He's a tree, he lives at this school without ever moving. Unless someone else does it for him. Usually me, since I'm his friend and all. He's heavy though. Anyway, I was saying, Yew says that Dumbledore sleeps at this school. In his office."
Ray snorted. "Are you serious? FMS is a weird high school, but I'm pretty sure Dumbledore doesn't sleep in his office."
"Hey, Yew said so. He's a tree, trees don't lie."
Ray pondered this before begrudgingly admitting that Aim was probably right. It was true, trees never lied. "So, we sneak in and murder him in his sleep or something? Wouldn't his office be locked? Wouldn't the school be locked? And wouldn't he wake up alive the next morning since, you know, no one here at FMS is dead for long?"
"Huh. I hadn't thought of that," Aim answered, scratching his head but grinning. "I'm glad we're in this truce. We're a swell team."
Ray glared, but she couldn't prevent herself from blushing. "Yeah, that's nice, but do you have any answers to those questions?"
Aim shook his head. "But don't you worry, Ray. I know someone who does. Meet me in the school playground after class. See ya!" And with that, Aim sauntered away.
"Did Aim just ask you out on a daaate?" teased Hazel, eating a bagel while stroking a cinnamon bun can.
"Don't talk with your mouth full," snapped Ray. "And it's not a date! SUCK MY **!"
"SUCK MY **!"
"SUCK MY **!"
This went on until the bell rang, and the two friends went to their respective classes.
School was over. The final bell rang. Rachelly rushed out of the classroom as quickly as possible. She couldn't wait to get away from her English class. Her teacher, Mr. Blofis, was a nice enough man, one of her more normal teachers, but school was school, and she wanted to get out as quickly as possible. Now, where was Zoey? Zoey was her ride home; without her, Rachelly would have to walk back to Coppertone Wars. That was her home.
Just then, she bumped into a familiar panda. "Angel!" she exclaimed. "Have you seen Zoey? She's my ride home."
Angel frowned and closed her eyes to concentrate, browsing through her stalker memory. Half a millisecond later—barely a blink—she opened her eyes and said, "Last I saw her, she was near Dumbledore's office. But don't worry, I can get you a ride to Coppertone Wars in my awesome Mary Sue convertible. I need to stop by there anyway. And I'll have a panda messenger tell Zoey that you're coming with me."
"Really?" asked Rachelly. "Thank you!"
Meanwhile, since school was over, Ray headed for the playground, which was in the middle of the school. Why her school had a playground at its center, she had no clue. She didn't understand a lot of things about her school. Along the way, she passed by a group of people randomly bursting into song, a group of brightly colored ponies, a boss cat with a serious business look, and a crowd of people that was squealing for no apparent reason, led by Joan, who was flailing her arms, and Hilda, who was crying over Levihan while eating mint chip ice cream. Everyone was headed in the opposite direction from her—away from the school instead of towards it. Ray wished she could just go home. But no, she had to murder the headmaster.
The playground was mostly deserted since everyone had skedaddled home, except for a chipmunk that was hugging a Cheerio. Ray thought that was a bit strange, but she'd seen a lot of weirder things. The chipmunk noticed Ray staring and scuttled away, never releasing its grip on the Cheerio.
She found Aim sitting on a swing with a strange creature by him. It had the body of a small white cat with a red oval on its back and the head of a moose.
"What the hell is that?" Ray asked, pointing at the thing.
"I'm Moosa Kyubey," answered the creature, as if it was obvious. "But you can just call me Musa."
Aim smirked at Ray's obvious surprise at the strange talking creature. "Ray, Musa is the smartest person—um, creature—that I know. She'll help us kill Dumbledore," he smugly explained. Ray looked at Musa suspiciously. How was she supposed to know that Musa wasn't going to murder her?
Musa nodded. "I dislike the name of the school too. Fandoms Minus Supernatural! When it's actually Fandoms Minus Supernatural and Dresden Files and Fringe—"
"You watch Fringe?" asked Ray, always happy to find another Fringe fan. Well, that sealed it. Musa had to be one hundred percent trustworthy.
"Yew does," Musa explained.
"Yewsa," Aim whispered in Ray's ear. Ray wondered when he had gotten so close. And he shipped Yewsa too! Maybe he wasn't as bad as she'd thou—No! No, no, no! She hated Aim. And she always would! But she wanted to snog him so badly… No, stab. STAB. NOT SNOG.
"Anyway," said Musa. "Killing Dumbledore. A tricky task. I'm only half-Kyubey, so I can't grant wishes, but I do have this potion. If he drinks it, he'll die. Forever!"
Ray took the blue vial Musa was holding in her cat-like paw. "So I just shove this down his throat, and he dies? Great! I love shoving things down people's throats!"
"Me too," said Aim, equally excited. "Ray, we have a lot more in common than I thought."
"Yeah," she said, before realizing what she had just said. "I mean, NO! We're mortal enemies! Just allies for this one time. ONE TIME."
Aim smirked.
Ray sighed and gripped the potion. "Let's just get this over with."
Getting to Dumbledore's office wasn't too difficult. She had never been there, but it wasn't too difficult to find, as there was a giant pink neon sign on his door that read, DUMBLYDOORS AWFIS #YOLO SWAG.
"Dumbledore is weird," Aim mumbled under his breath.
"Tell me about it," said Ray. Then she realized… she and Aim had agreed on something again. This was seriously starting to get creepy.
"Well," said Aim. "Here goes nothing." He reached for the doorknob and turned it, trying to open the door, but—surprise, surprise—it was locked. "**," he said. "What do we do now?"
"We can't give up!" exclaimed Ray. "I'm going to shove this potion down his throat if it costs me my own life!"
Aim gazed at her with pure adoration. "You're marvelous, Ray."
"I know," she said, smugly, before realizing what Aim had just said and turning beet red. No no NO RAY DON'T SNOG HIM STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.
Luckily, at that moment, a dragon appeared out of nowhere and crashed through the door to Dumbledore's office, knocking the sign askew and destroying the door, so that the door was open, and Ray wasn't given the chance to do something stupid like snog Aim. Unluckily, the dragon saw Ray and Aim and opened its mouth to eat them when—
"Drogon! Bad dragon!" said a blonde woman, reining the dragon back in. "Sorry, he's my most aggressive dragon. Carry on." With that, the dragon and the woman disappeared down the hallway.
"This school," Ray muttered.
"Exactly!" said Aim. "At least things are never boring. Come on, let's find Dumbledore."
The office was in extreme disarray, which was understandable since a dragon had just crashed through it. Photo frames were askew on the wall, paperwork was literally everywhere, the wallpaper was ripped, the desk was lopsided, and there was glass and dirt all over the ground. But no Dumbledore.
Ray was starting to get tired. She just wanted to get this murder over with! Her bloodlust was screaming to be appeased. Grumbling to herself and clutching Musa's vial, Ray carefully made her way through the mess and suddenly saw something under the desk—the edge of a long white beard. It was Dumbledore! Except what was he doing, limp and motionless under that desk?
"**!" she shrieked. "The dragon must have killed Dumbledore before I did! NOT COOL DRAGON! I totally claimed dibs to kill him first!"
"Calm down," said Aim, awkwardly papping Ray. "No one stays dead here for long. He'll probably revive himself in three… two…"
"SWAGMASTA reevivahl!" shouted Dumbledore, springing up, his beard and purple cloak nearly slapping Ray in the face. "Eh? Whatcha preps doowin een mah offiss?"
Ray blinked at the Headmaster. Dumbledore had always been a bit mad, but he was acting downright insane, even for Ray's standards. 'Swagmaster,' really?
"Sereeussly u preps! Outtah mah swaggay ofis!"
'Preps,' really? Okay, something was definitely wrong. Why did that sound so horribly familiar…?
Aim suddenly gasped. "Wait a minute… you can't possibly be the real Dumbledore…"
"You're that awful OOC version from the fanfic My Immortal!" Ray finished. (Great, now they were finishing each other's sentences. Yikes.)
Dumbledore laughed manically. "Whell, u figyurred owtt me sekrit! Eet's troo, preps, n Imma dominait da world—oar att leezt dis skool—wid mah awfal OOCnez n bahd speleeng!"
It was starting to get physically painful to listen to Dumbledore. "Not on my watch," said Ray. And with those words, she did what she had longed to do for so long. (No! Not snogging Aim!) She shoved Musa's potion down Dumbledore's throat. With a horrible shriek, Dumbledore exploded into pieces of poorly written fanfic.
Ray grimaced as she brushed the pieces of paper off her clothes. Ugh, gross. But she turned to
see Aim's grinning face, and her frown disappeared.
"We did it!" Aim exclaimed gleefully. "Or at least, you did. You're marvelous."
And at that moment, Ray was so high with the feeling that she had successfully killed Dumbledore that she thought, Oh hell, and leaned forward to snog Aim, who was happy to snog back. They probably would have snogged for eternity if they hadn't heard a loud crash, followed by a, "**! No!"
"What is it now?" Ray complained.
The noise had come from a closet in Dumbledore's room. Carefully, with one hand entwined with Ray's, Aim approached the door and pushed it open. To his surprise, it wasn't locked and opened to reveal…
Yew and Zoey, passionately making out with each other. Hearing the door open, Zoey stopped kissing Yew and turned towards Ray and Aim. "Oops. Hallo guys." She gave a little wave while Ray and Aim stared. God, out of all the crazy things Ray had seen today, this had got to be the craziest. And that was seriously saying something—their headmaster had exploded into fanfic a minute ago.
"What the actual ** is going on?" Aim asked, voicing Ray's thoughts perfectly.
Zoey shrugged, looking not in the least ashamed. "What does it look like, bros?"
Ray choked. "You were making out with a tree in the Headmaster's closet."
"Snogbox," Zoey corrected. "I call this closet a snogbox. Wanna join us? We can have a foursome. I'm sure Yew doesn't mind." (Yew, in fact, minded very much, but since it was for Zoey, he said nothing.)
Aim's mouth dropped open. Ray blinked. "Ah, what the hell. Sure, why not? Just, on one condition."
"What?" Zoey asked, leaning against Yew.
Ray whispered something in Zoey's ear.
April liked coming to FMS at nighttime, when everyone else was supposed to be home and asleep. There was something peaceful about the empty, quiet halls. (Strangely enough, tonight had been less quiet than usual.) Okay, real reason: April just liked lurking. Also she'd bet Lucy, her wife, on how long she could lurk at FMS without being caught. Lucy had bet eight hours; April had bet nine hours. She had been lurking on the other side of the school for approximately eight hours and fifty nine minutes when she decided that she wanted to lurk somewhere else and passed by the Headmaster's office, where she heard the singing…
"** ** ** A DUCK
SCREW A LITTLE FOX
SIXTY-NINE A PORCUPINE
ORGY IN THE SNOGBOX!"
THE END
Sorry about that weird ending. Also the fact that Rachelly isn't there. (Snogbox is a Clara line too!) And if Aim is OOC, my excuse is that I've never met him.