A/N: We hope everyone had wonderful holidays! We'll be back to a usual schedule, if all goes well =)
Standard disclaimers apply.
Chapter Five
Harry Potter Back to the grind, y'all =(
(Hermione Jean Granger and Percy Weasley like this.)
Ronald Weasley:Dislike (you WOULD 'like' this, Hermione & Percy…)
Fred Weasley:Dis-
George Weasley:–like
Seamus Finnigan:Dislike
Neville Longbottom:Dislike
Harry Potter:Why hasn't Facebook created a 'dislike' button yet? Just sayin'.
Harry Potter Loooovin this sweet ride, thanks to Arthur Weasley! (sent from mobile)
(Arthur Weasley likes this.)
Ginny Weasley almost left her diary at home! No worries, got it ^_^ (sent from mobile)
(Lucius Malfoy likes this.)
Ginny Weasley:?
Harry Potter:That makes me anxious…
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: Why the FUCK can't we get onto platform?
Ronald Weasley:No clue, but if you don't mind I'm going to get your owl who is shrieking up a frenzy and rolling all over the place after crashing into solid brick!
Hedwig the Owl:Well, THANK YOU, RONALD. At least SOMEBODY gives a fuck about poor, innocent animals here.
Harry Potter:Oh stfu. You're fine. You just like to make a scene. And don't get me started on the list that will detail why you are neither poor nor innocent.
Hedwig the Owl:Harry? Eat my fucking SHIT. I did NOT sign up for this when the big, fat oaf stumbled into my perfectly cozy home and ignored my protests that I wanted nothing to do with the scrawny, scarred up bitch-ass punk he was babysitting.
Harry Potter:Wow, you were waiting to say that for a while, weren't you?
Hedwig the Owl:You make me want to rip my own wings off and eat them.
Harry Potter:*Excuse me?* Why would you ever do that?
Hedwig the Owl:Anything that doesn't include listening to your bitchy whining 24/7. Now find out why we can't get to the train because I am NOT spending another second stuck in this cage while you screech on about how unfair your sad little life is.
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: You heard the she-male. What do we do?
Ronald Weasley:I dunno…
Harry Potter:Really? So you're putting zero thought into your response?
Ronald Weasley:Well, we're going to miss the train. I mean, there's really nothing we can do there's no reason that the gateway should be sealed off.
Hedwig the Owl:I bet it has something to do with that fucktard Dobby. Shit, that guy is fucked UP.
Harry Potter:stfu, Hedwig. He clearly has nothing to do with this.
Hedwig the Owl:CA-CAW! CA-CAW!
Ronald Weasley:What if my Mum and Dad can't even come back to the get us! Have you got any Muggle money?
Hedwig the Owl:CA-CAW! CA-CAW!
Harry Potter:Now you're just being silly. You think the Dursleys ever gave me shit?
Hedwig the Owl:CA-CAW! CA-CAW!
Ronald Weasley:Uuuuugh, we're so fucking screwed! And your damn owl won't shut up so we're getting really frightened looks.
Harry Potter:HEDWIG IF YOU "CA-CAW" ONE MORE FUCKING TIME YOU'LL BE LOOKING AT YOUR OWN BRAINS SMEARED ACROSS THIS BRICK WALL, GOT IT?
Hedwig the Owl:O rly?
Harry Potter:Yes, really.
Hedwig the Owl:Oh, you're serious? You'll murder me? In front of all these people?
Harry Potter:Yes, Hedwig. You're being a stupid shit while my world is crumbling around me! And I WILL take care of you. Now shut the FUCK up.
Hedwig the Owl:Ca….
Harry Potter:HEDWIG
Hedwig the Owl:Caw…
Harry Potter:HEDWIG DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE!
Hedwig the Owl:CA-CAW! CA-CAW!
Harry Potter:-_-
Hedwig the Owl:Pussy.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Holy shit, wait! Before you kill your owl…THE CAR!
Harry Potter:What about it?
Ronald Weasley:Really? WE CAN FLY IT TO HOGWARTS!
Harry Potter:But what about your parents?
Ronald Weasley:Omg, they're adult wizards, they can find some way to get back home. WE have an emergency. A SERIOUS emergency.
Harry Potter:Can you fly it?
Ronald Weasley:Yes, of course.
Harry Potter:That wasn't really a silly question. You're not very good at a lot of things.
Ronald Weasley:True.
Ronald Weasley And we're off! Roadtrip with the bestie xox (sent from mobile)
(Harry Potter and Dudley Dursley like this.)
Harry Potter:Fuck you, Dudley.
Harry Potter Well, the fun has begun to ware off, unfortunately. I'm thirsty, we're hot (despite taking our shirts off – yes, ladies, if you point your eye sockets towards the skies today you can see two shirtless bachelors soaring high ;)) (sent from mobile)
Dudley Dursley:Yeah, let's pretend you're not having a gay sex-fest up in the sky.
Harry Potter:No response.
Dudley Durlsey:That's because it's true.
Harry Potter:-_-
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Engine's dead. Goodbye, good friend.
Harry Potter:Nooooooooooooo T_T
Harry Potter wrote on Hedwig the Owl's wall: Goodbye. I know we've had our differences, but I want you to know that I truly, truly loved you.
Hedwig the Owl:We both know that's not true. For either of us. As always, I will not lie for fear of death. I hate you, Potter. I always have and I always will, even in death.
Harry Potter:You're a cold-hearted bitch, aren't you?
Hedwig the Owl:I will not apologize for who I am.
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: Ron, I need to tell you something…before sweet death…the things Dudley was saying…um…about us…they weren't…they weren't…
Ronald Weasley:…
Harry Potter:Weren't…exactly…wrong…
Ronald Weasley:Harry, I-I…I love
Hedwig the Owl Yes! We survived. Landed in some tree, but safe. Phew. (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall:Um…
Ronald Weasley:We'll never speak of what was said again.
Harry Potter:Have you deleted the comment?
Ronald Weasley:Yes, of course.
Harry Potter:Hopefully before Dudley could see…
(Dudley Dursley likes this.)
Harry Potter:DUDLEY, did you see or are you just trying to mind-fuck me?
(Dudley Dursley likes this.)
Harry Potter:Fuck.
Ronald Weasley My wand is broken T_T (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter BRANCHES ATTACKING US! (sent from mobile)
Ronald Weasley:Phew. That was a close one.
Harry Potter:Good thing we didn't make any…other…false...claims…in the heat of the moment…
(Dudley Dursley likes this.)
Ronald Weasley wrote on The Flying Ford Anglia's wall: Well done, car!
The Flying Ford Anglia: I'm out, bitches.
Hedwig the Owl:CA-CAW! EVERYONE STOP THROWING ME AROUND LIKE I'M SHIT! THAT MEANS YOU TOO, FLYING CAR.
The Flying Ford Anglia:I certainly don't give a fuck what happens to you, you infuriating shit bag of feathers. I have gone through more than enough abuse over these past few weeks. I am DONE.
Ronald Weasley:COME BACK!
The Flying Ford Anglia:GOOOOOOODBYE! Oh, and fuck you, Ron.
Ronald Weasley:SHITFUCK!
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: The feast probably started already!
Hedwig the Owl:That's the least of our problems, ginger bitch.
Ronald Weasley:Hedwig, I thought you liked me!
Hedwig the Owl:Keep up your stupid shit and I won't even have enough respect to piss on you.
Ronald Weasley:But…if you urinated on me that would basically mean you really didn't have any respect for me at all. Like…at all.
Hedwig the Owl:Lucky I don't shit on you, you scrawny little maggot.
Ronald Weasley:Harry, your owl is a fucking lunatic.
Harry Potter:You think I didn't realize that? Oh, Harry, she's so *hilarious*. Yeah, not so funny now, is she? And that's child's play! You don't know the sort of fucked up bullshit she whispers to me while I'm trying to get some much-needed rest in that hellhole. Once she said that she was going to rip my arms off, eat them, rip her own wings off, sew the said wings into my arm sockets with her teeth and throw me out a window like a baby bird gets thrown from the nest.
(Hedwig the Owl likes this.)
Ronald Weasley:But…but…you wouldn't be able to fly let alone…still…*live*after having your arms ripped off…that's…that's so incredibly painful…and fucked up! Why did you even say that to me? Your bird is demonic! THAT'S FUCKING FUCKED UP! Omg and she just liked your comment. Holy fuck. I'm so scared, Harry. Hold me.
Hedwig the Owl:Shut the fuck up or you too will be soaring from a ten-foot story building with my wings crudely sewn to your bloody remains.
Ronald Weasley:Too far, Hedwig. Too far.
Hedwig the Owl:I'm not satisfied unless I've gone further than even savage murderous beasts would dare to go in their wildest nightmares.
Dudley Dursley:Wow, that really is fucked up. I can't believe this vermin lived under my roof. Harry, you're not allowed back in the house with that thing. Actually, you're not allowed back in the house regardless.
Harry Potter:Aaaaand we're done with this conversation. Seriously Ron, we are not speaking to Hedwig anymore. This is over.
Hedwig the Owl:Ca-caw?
Harry Potter:NOT THE TIME, HEDWIG.
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: Okay, anyway, look in the Great Hall, Ron! It's the Sorting!
Ronald Weasley:And Snape isn't there! Do you think he's ill? ^_^
Harry Potter:Hahaha maybe he left! Because he missed out on the Defense Against the Dark Arts job again, especially to a pansy like Lockprat lol.
Ronald Weasley:Lmfao. Or d'you think he got sacked? That would be totally awesome, I mean, everybody hates him anyway.
Severus Snape:SHUT THE FUCK UP
Harry Potter:Peeing my pants now, kbyez.
Ronald Weasley:Ditto.
Severus Snape:Perhaps he is neither ill nor sacked nor jealous of a useless sack of shit with pretty hair….very…very pretty hair…*ahem* I digress. *Perhaps*he is simply waiting to hear why you two didn't arrive on the school train! Now follow me to your deaths.
Ronald Weasley:T_T Please don't hurt us.
Harry Potter:Ron, we will NOT beg for mercy from this man. Don't even give him the benefit of the doubt. Heh, nice office, fucktard.
Severus Snape:Are you SHITTING me? I am a FUCKING Professor, you narcissistic little CRETAN!
Harry Potter:Yeah, yeah, save it Snape. I learned last year that I could be as polite as possible, a truly upstanding citizen and student, and yet you tear me down every single time because you're a GROWN MAN taking your unrequited love for my mother and subsequent jealousy towards my father out on me, A LITTLE BOY. I'm fucking twelve, Douche Master.
Severus Snape:HOW DARE YOU. I am the POTIONS Master. That means I'm a master of potions, not douchery.
Ronald Weasley:Harry, you're going to get us expelled!
Harry Potter:Now you're starting to sound like Granger.
Severus Snape:Ugh, the sound of that know-it-all's name has distracted me from my intense fury against you. Now I just want to get down to business and display the fear-inducing idea that I can read minds. Heh. Where's the fucking car?
Harry Potter:O_O
Severus Snape:Just joshing you. The Evening Prophet's headline read: Flying Ford Anglia Mystifies Muggles. Oh, and also I can read minds. That won't be useful knowledge for another few books, er, I'm mean years.
Harry Potter:And what are you going to do about it, *sir*?
Severus Snape:I do not appreciate when you take the name 'sir,' which is supposed to be called in esteem of the receiver, and say it with such disdain that it actually becomes a mockery.
Harry Potter:Dually noted…*sir*.
Severus Snape:In other news, it appears that there has been considerable damage to a very valuable Whomping Willow.
Ronald Weasley:THAT TREE DID MORE DAMAGE TO US!
Harry Potter:Ron, stfu. This is my time to shine. You're only ruining things!
Ronald Weasley:Righty-o.
Severus Snape:SILENCE! You are not in my House and unfortunately, I do not have the power to beat you senseless, I mean, er, expel you. I shall go and fetch the people who do have that happy power. You will wait here, bitches.
Harry Potter:Meh…
Minerva McGonagall wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Seriously, guys? I'm outrageously embarrassed right now.
Harry Potter:I know, Professor. We really make fools of ourselves when we act this way.
Minerva McGonagall:Fools of *yourselves*? No, quite honestly, I don't give a shit about what you did. I care that I just had to witness *Snape* gloating in front of the entire Great Hall about how *terrible* MY students are. Fuck that! Do you know how old I am? I fucking TAUGHT this greasy haired mess in school. I do not need to be lectured by somebody that I would suggest got sent to detention on a number of occasions.
Harry Potter:Haha, burn, Snape!
Severus Snape:Bollocks…
Minerva McGonagall:Now let's get this show on the road so I can get back to the Great Hall for about seven goblets of wine. Why the hell do you act this way?
Ronald Weasley:Well, Professor, the gateway was closed off so…there really wasn't any other choice…
Minerva McGonagall:No, you are truly shitting me right now, Mr. Weasley. There are about fifteen hundred possible steps in between getting stuck outside of the platform and stealingyour father's flying car.
Ronald Weasley:I guess I didn't think…
Minerva McGonagall:That is obvious.
Harry Potter:Burn ^_^
Minerva McGonagall:STFU!
Harry Potter:O_O
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Hey, man, at least you-know-who isn't here…
Harry Potter:Voldemort!
Ronald Weasley:What? DON'T SAY HIS NAME! And no, I mean Dumbledore. I didn't want to write his name for fear he would see it on the News Feed and
Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: Hello, there.
Ronald Weasley:Literally just shit my pants.
Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore:Excuse me?
Ronald Weasley:It's an expression.
Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore:There's no need to add the word 'literally' then, my boy. Just for future reference.
Ronald Weasley:Noted.
Harry Potter wrote on Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore's wall: HIIIIIIII DUMBLEDORE :D
Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore:Er hello…why are you…staring at me like that…
Harry Potter:IN WHAAAAT WAAAAY? (: (: (:
Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore:Like you want to wear my skin as a suit…
Harry Potter:Oh. I didn't know I was giving off such a manic expression. Uh…I just really admire you.
Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore:Oh. Well, please explain why you did this, boys.
Harry Potter:Oh Dumby-pops, I sowwee ): we were just playin around…
Ronald Weasley:We'll go pack up our stuff…it's over Harry. You broke out baby voice.
Minerva McGonagall:While baby voice makes me want to vomit, what are you talking about, Weasley?
Ronald Weasley:Obviously you're expelling us…
Minerva McGonagall:I will not have an insubordinate little fiend telling me what I will and will not do!
Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore:What Professor McGonagall is trying to say is that we will not be expelling you boys today. But you must understand the seriousness of what you did. I will be writing to your families tonight.
Harry Potter:Oh…I don't know if you've heard, but I don't have parents so you can just write to Ron's and that'll be that ^_^
Minerva McGonagall:Nice try. Actually, not really. All of your attempts at preserving your innocence have been complete and utter shit. Anyway, we *will*be contacting the Dursleys.
Harry Potter:But they're just gonna yell at me and stuff me in the cupboard under the stairs for causing you to bother them!
Severus Snape:WHINE WHINE WHINE BABY BABY BOO HOO! Your ass should be shipped back to whatever parasite you've been living inside of!
Harry Potter:Excuse me?
Severus Snape:You read that right. You are not even important enough to BE a parasite in my example, but a barely classifiable piece of shit living in the stomach of a FUCKING PARASITE.
Harry Potter:I don't really see what I did to make YOU so angry.
Severus Snape:EXIST, POTTER. THAT'S IT. Continue EXISTING and you will find me enraged.
Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore:Oh sod off, Severus. I'm going to get some custard tart, bitches. Dumbledore out.
Severus Snape:grumblegrumblegrumble…
Minerva McGonagall:Pay no attention to the lunatic grumbling to himself in the corner of the room. As for you two, you will get detentions. I believe I'm being quite fair with the punishments.
Harry Potter:Absolutely, Professor! And the points for Gryffindor…
Minerva McGonagall:Will remain as they are…
Harry Potter:Awesome.
Minerva McGonagall:Don't push your luck. You will eat in here and go straight up the dormitories afterwards.
Minerva McGonagall sent Harry Potter and Ron Weasley sandwiches and pumpkin juice.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Can you seriously believe our luck? Fred and George fly that damn car ALL THE TIME and yet they've never gotten caught.
Fred Weasley:Leave the pranks
George Weasley:To the masters,
Fred Weasley:Bitchez.
Ronald Weasley:grumblegrumblegrumble…
Harry Potter:You're starting to sound a lot like Snape.
Ronald Weasley:ACK.
Harry Potter:XD Anyway, we'll have to watch our step from now on.
Ronald Weasley:Fuck no. We ride together, we die together.
Harry Potter:Bad boys for life…I know. But this is getting a little ridiculous. We're just not GOOD at being bad! You know?
Ronald Weasley:I hear you, H.
Dudley Dursley:Sorry to interrupt you ladies, but have fun sleeping in the garden this summer, Harry ^_^
Harry Potter:Piss off, you wanker.
Dudley Dursley:No really, mum and dad decided that the cupboard was too 'cozy.' They thought you'd much rather enjoy the dirt.
Harry Potter: When was this decision made? They can't have already seen what I've done…they're barely ever on Facebook!
Dudley Dursley:What are you talking about?
Harry Potter:You don't know about the Whomping Willow and the Ford Anglia…
Dudley Dursley:You're speaking gibberish, fucktard. No I don't know what the hell you're doing up there in your pansy ass school.
Harry Potter:So why am I in trouble?
Dudley Dursley:You're not in trouble…for anything more than being alive. We all voted and you get to sleep in the dirt. Is it that hard to understand? Because I thought my parents put bars on your room for the majority of the summer…I started to believe you were actually beginning to understand the way it works around here.
Harry Potter:Meh. Let's go to bed, Ron.
Ronald Weasley:Kay (:
Dudley Dursley:You guys have literally taken the fun out of gay jokes for me. I'm done.
The Fat Lady wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Password?
Harry Potter:Er…
The Fat Lady:Oh my GOODNESS. I am so sick of you ignorant little pricks. You can't even remember a SINGLE password. Shit.
Harry Potter:Wow, sensitive much? We didn't get to go to the feast, so nobody told us the password.
The Fat Lady:Well la-dee-da! I didn't get to go to the feast either! How do you think I feel about that? You're just a scrawny little bitch.
Harry Potter:And you are a PORTRAIT.
The Fat Lady:Well, I've never!
Harry Potter:Never what? Been told you're a portrait? Finding this hard to believe…I don't know, I guess because YOU'RE A FUCKING PORTRAIT. You're only job is to let us into our dormitories. That's IT.
The Fat Lady:Yes, when you have the password you TWAT. Get the fuck out. I don't need this shit. You think you're so famous? You're just skinny punk ass bitch.
Harry Potter:Wow, you wanna throw down? You wanna throw it down, fuckface? You wanna take this shit outside? Out wait, you can't, CAUSE YOU'RE STUCK IN A FRAME.
Ronald Weasley:Harry, she's crying.
Harry Potter:So?
Ronald Weasley:You're in a very bad mood. I don't like it.
The Fat Lady:I LIKE THE GINGER! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Hermione Jean Granger:WHERE HAVE YOU TWO BEEN? I HEARD YOU WERE EXPELLED!
Harry Potter:We have not.
Hermione Jean Granger:BUT DID YOU FLY HERE!
Ronald Weasley:Hermione, save the lecture. We want to go to sleep.
Hermione Jean Granger:*sigh* The password is 'wattlebird.'
The Fat Lady:THANK YOU! You'd think I actually ENJOY being insulted by snot-nosed kids all night! ENTER.
Lee Jordan wrote on Harry Potter's wall: BRILLIANT!
Harry Potter:Uhh why is everyone clapping for us?
Lee Jordan:The flying car stunt! Straight into the Whomping Willow! People'll be talking about that one for YEARS!
Fifth Year Harry Had Never Spoken To wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Hey, good for you, man!
Harry Potter:Do I know you?
Fifth Year Harry Had Never Spoken To:Doesn't the name make that question sort of obvious?
Harry Potter:True…
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Shit, there's Percy, we gotta get out of here…though I do love the praise.
Harry Potter:I'm on it.
Harry Potter LISTEN UP EVERYONE: I am going to sleep. Thank you for the support, you all are beautiful xox
(Ronald Weasley and 198 others like this.)
Harry Potter wrote on Hermione Granger's wall: Goodniiiiight, Hermione.
Hermione Granger sent Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley a scowl.
(Percy Weasley likes this.)
Seamus Finnigan wrote on Harry Potter's wall: That was UNBELIEVABLE!
Dean Thomas wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: So cool!
Neville Longbottom wrote on Harry Potter's wall: I love you.
Harry Potter:?
Chapter Six
Hermione Jean Granger became a fan of Voyages with Vampires.
Hermione Jean Granger wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Morning.
Harry Potter: Jesus Christ, Hermione, we get it. You're jealous of the way we arrived in style. I understand.
Ronald Weasley: Yeah, sorry Granger, next time we'll owl you.
Hermione Jean Granger: Fuck you guys. Fuck you.
Neville Longbottom wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Good morning!
Harry Potter: Hey! What's got you in a chipper mood?
Neville Longbottom: I'm really excited for mail – Gran's sending me a few things that I've forgotten.
Harry Potter: Oh, like what?
Neville Longbottom: …I'd rather not say.
Harry Potter: Did you forget underwear AGAIN? Fuck, your memory is worse than a person with amnesia. Srsly.
Neville Longbottom: =(
Erroll the Owl sent Ronald Weasley a Howler.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Erroll the Owl's wall: Hey! You got a Facebook!
Erroll the Owl: I just got one so I can send you that. I'm deleting in immediately. Fuck you youngsters with your stupid technology…
Ronald Weasley: FUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!
Hermione Jean Granger: Oh, calm down. Erroll will live.
Ronald Weasley: I don't give a shit about him! It's THIS!
Harry Potter: A red letter? Seriously? It's not like it's going to explode or anything…
Neville Longbottom: My sympathies, Ron.
Harry Potter: What the hell is going on?
Neville Longbottom: You better open it – it will be so much worse if you don't. Believe me, past experience with Gran.
Harry Potter: CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WTF A HOWLER IS?
Neville Longbottom: It'll all be over soon, Ron…just open it…
Ronald Weasley if I die…Harry Potter can have what little stuff I own.
(Harry Potter likes this.)
Howler from Molly Weasley wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: HOW DARE YOU STEAL THAT CAR! YOU'RE GODDAMN LUCKY YOU WEREN'T EXPELLED. JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT! YOUR FATHER AND I HAD CORONARIES WHEN WE SAW IT WAS GONE! GOT A LETTER FROM DUMBLEDORE – YOUR FATHER PUT SERIOUS THOUGHT INTO ENDING HIS LIFE BECAUSE THE SHAME WAS TOO GREAT! YOU COULD'VE DIED! OR WORSE, BE SEEN! YOUR FATHER IS NOW FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU DIRTY BASTARD! IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE, WE'RE DRAGGING YOU BY THE GINGER HAIR STRAIGHT HOME!
(Draco Malfoy, Fred Weasley, George Weasley and 257 others like this.)
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: …Well shit, mate.
Hermione Jean Granger: Well, I don't know what you were expecting…
Ronald Weasley: Don't tell me I deserved it, you snot-nosed bitch. I'm not in the mood for your patronizing.
Hermione Jean Granger: I think you've been punished sufficiently, so I forgive you.
Ronald Weasley: Are you joking? You had NO reason to be pissed off! You're such a psycho!
Harry Potter: Let it go, Ron. We need her, unfortunately.
Hermione Jean Granger: Damn straight, you do!
Harry Potter aw, I feel a bit guilty that the Whomping Willow is all busted up… (sent from mobile)
Ronald Weasley: PLEASE tell me that was sarcasm: that tree nearly KILLED US! And not only that, my wand is BROKEN because of it! It deserves all the pain that it's getting.
The Whomping Willow: Fuck you, sir. I'm in a considerable amount of pain here.
Ronald Weasley: I actually couldn't give a shit about YOUR "pain," which I'm very skeptical of because you're not a sentient being.
The Whomping Willow: Hedwig was right, you are a fascist twit.
Harry Potter: NO. FUCKING. WAY.
Hedwig the Owl: Honestly, Pothead, I don't know why you even bother acting surprised. And you were actually THERE when we met. Jesus, you're even more idiotic than I thought possible.
Harry Potter: Um, I was too busy worrying about getting WHACKED IN THE FACE BY A BRANCH! It's not like it's my job to actively stalk your frightening sex life! And I'm not going to get into how WRONG this is…
The Whomping Willow: So intolerant…
Harry Potter: It's not even that! I can't wrap my mind around a TREE, which isn't an animal, mating with an OWL.
Hedwig the Owl: You're too juvenile, THAT'S WHY, you douche bag mother fucker. You've just moved up higher on my shit list. Watch out, bitch.
Harry Potter: I'm REALLY curious as to who's higher than me.
Hedwig the Owl: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, FUCKTARD.
Ronald Weasley: Hahaha, she said "fucktard."
Hedwig the Owl: Meep!
Harry Potter: UGH!
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Hello there! I was just showing Professor Sprout RIGHT way to doctor a Whomping Willow! Don't worry, I won't be replacing your Herbology professor – I don't want you to think I'm better than she is (even though I really am).
Pomona Sprout wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuff's wall: Greenhouse Three today – LET'S GO, PEOPLE! Move away from the empty-headed pretty boy!
Harry Potter Sweet – class may be interesting today – only the dangerous plants are in Greenhouse Three! (sent from mobile)
(Ronald Weasley and 18 others like this.)
Hermione Jean Granger: How dare you, class is always fascinating.
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on Harry Potter's wall: HARRY POTTER! I've been wanting to have a little chat with you! Professor Sprout, you wouldn't mind if I took Harry away for about half of class?
Pomona Sprout: Yes, I would mind, you horrendous, pretentious asshole.
Gilderoy Lockhart: That's the ticket! Come along, Harry!
Harry Potter: Sorry, Professor Sprout…I'd rather not…you know.
Pomona Sprout: It's quite all right. I would just let him have his say and don't bother correcting him – it's not worth the effort.
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Harry. Harry, Harry, Harry.
Harry Potter: ? Yes?
Gilderoy Lockhart: When I heard what happened…I just had to blame myself. Could've kicked myself, actually.
Harry Potter: Er…I have no idea what you're talking about, but I wouldn't mind kicking you.
Gilderoy Lockhart: Flying a car to Hogwarts! That certainly makes you stand out! Harry, Harry, Harry.
Harry Potter: Can you please stop repeating my name so many times?
Gilderoy Lockhart: I gave you a taste for publicity, yes, the bug, if you will. You miraculously made the front page and you wanted a repeat…
Harry Potter: Oh, you've got the wrong idea. Really.
Gilderoy Lockhart: Harry, Harry, Harry.
Harry Potter: WOULD YOU KNOCK IT OFF…SIR!
Gilderoy Lockhart: I *understand*. I'm very sorry that I gave you that taste of the Forbidden Fruit – I should've known it would go to your head. But you can start flying cars to get attention! Calm down – you have plenty of time for fame when you get older.
Harry Potter: Well, too late for that, I'm already pretty fucking famous.
Gilderoy Lockhart: I know what you're thinking!
Harry Potter: No, you clearly don't – you haven't been reading any of my comments, have you?
Gilderoy Lockhart "It's all right for him – he's an internationally famous wizard already!" But when I was twelve, I was just as much of a nobody as you are now. In fact, I'd say I was even more of a nobody! I mean, a few people have heard of you, haven't they?
Harry Potter: You've got to be fucking joking: I literally brought about the end of the most evil wizard of the century. I was more famous when I was one than you are now! GET OVER YOURSELF.
Gilderoy Lockhart: Yes, all that business with He Who Must Not Be Named – it's not quite as good as winning Witch Weekly's Most-Charming Smile Award five times in a row, as I have, but it's a start, Harry, it's a *start*.
Gilderoy Lockhart sent Harry Potter a hearty wink.
Harry Potter Holy shit, Gilderoy Lockhart is an arrogant bastard. There's no way in HELL he's more famous than I am – how can he possibly think that? (sent from mobile)
Severus Snape: I can see this year is just going to be FILLED with arrogant comments from the two biggest douche bags in this world.
Harry Potter: Okay, there's no fucking way I'M worse than Lockhart. Please give me some credit.
Severus Snape: Fine, he may be a SLIVER worse than you are, but that means nothing. I'm getting you in class later.
Harry Potter: Wouldn't expect anything different.
Pomona Sprout wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuff's wall: Re-potting Mandrakes! What are their properties?
Hermione Jean Granger wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuff's wall: Mandrake, aka Mandragora, is a powerful restorative – it's used to return people who have been transfigured or cursed, to their original state.
Pomona Sprout wrote on GRYFFINDOR HOUSE!'s wall: +10 points!
Pomona Sprout wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuff's wall: It's also very dangerous – who can tell me why?
Harry Potter wrote on Hermione Jean Granger's wall: WATCH THE FACE! You almost clipped my glasses due to your ridiculous desire to show off your disgusting intellect.
Hermione Jean Granger wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuff's wall: The cry is fatal to anyone who hears it.
Pomona Sprout wrote on GRYFFINDOR HOUSE!'s wall: +10 points!
Pomona Sprout wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuff's wall: Blah blah, they're young, blah blah, earmuffs, blah knock you out, blah blah, put them on blah repotting.
Justin Finch-Fletchley is now friends with Harry Potter, Hermione Jean Granger, Ronald Weasley.
Justin Finch-Fletchley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Hello! I'm Justin. And you, of course, are the famous Harry Potter!
Harry Potter: Dude, I've known you for over a year. We've had Herbology together last year…
Justin Finch-Fletchley wrote on Hermione Jean Granger's wall: You're Hermione Granger – always top in everything!
Hermione Jean Granger: ^_^
Justin Finch-Fletchley wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: And Ron Weasley – wasn't that your flying car?
Ronald Weasley: -_- Story of my life, right here.
Justin Finch-Fletchley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: So, Lockhart's pretty awesome, yeah? I'd have frozen with fear if I'd been cornered in a telephone box by a werewolf – fucking BRILLIANT. So glad I came here instead of going to Muggle school. My mom is beginning to see how useful it'll be to have a fully trained wizard in the family.
Harry Potter: There are so many things wrong with this comment. First, Lockhart is a class-A dick. And the fact that your mother is JUST beginning to realize the use of having magic is just astounding. Otherwise you seem like a pretty nice guy – I have no secret hatred against you!
Harry Potter Shit, Mandrakes are RIDIC – I hurt all over. (sent from mobile)
(Hermione Jean Granger, Ronald Weasley and 17 others like this.)
Harry Potter Transfiguration = hardest subject EVER. Completely forgot everything… (sent from mobile)
Minerva McGonagall: STOP GIVING YOUR BEETLE EXERCISE AND CHANGE IT INTO A DAMN BUTTON!
Harry Potter: I'm trying!
Ronald Weasley: I'm having WORSE problems than you: my wand is a fucking mess! I've already killed my beetle -_-
Minerva McGonagall is not pleased with Ronald Weasley.
Ronald Weasley stupid fucking wand… (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter: Why don't you write home for another?
Ronald Weasley: Did you LISTEN to that Howler? My parents would send me another one if I were to ask for it,
Hermione Jean Granger wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: Look at all the pretty buttons I've made!
Ronald Weasley: I HATE YOU!
Harry Potter: CHANGING THE SUBJECT! What classes do we have this afternoon?
Hermione Jean Granger: DADA.
Ronald Weasley: Jesus Christ, WHY did you outline all of Lockhart's lessons in little hearts? Creeper!
Harry Potter in the courtyard talking with Ronald Weasley about Quidditch while Hermione Jean Granger has her nose buried in a book. Yup, it's good to be back! (sent from mobile)
(Hermione Jean Granger and Ronald Weasley like this.)
Harry Potter is aware that I'm being closely watched… (sent from mobile)
(Colin Creevey likes this.)
Harry Potter: Who are you?
Colin Creevey and Harry Potter are now friends.
Colin Creevey wrote on Harry Potter's wall: OMFGZZZZZZZ THX SO MUCH 4 XCEPTING MAI FRIEND REKWEST!11!11!
Harry Potter: Er…you're welcome. I mean not that I had much of a choice – you were practically breathing my neck when I checked my phone for notifications…
Colin Creevey: im colin creevey! im in gryffindor 2! CAN I HAZ PICTURE WITH U?
Harry Potter: What?
Colin Creevey: so i can prove 2 all my bloggers that ive met u! i no all about u – every1 told me about u no who trying 2 kill u and how u still have a scar and hes gone! and a boy in my dorm told me that if i develop the pic in the rite potion it will MOVE. Wowzers, this place is AWSUM. my dad is a milkman – he coudnt believe it when i got my letter! im taking a lot of pics 2 send 2 him. we coud both be in it and then u coud SIGN IT?
Draco Malfoy wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Seriously, Potter? You're giving out SIGNED PHOTOS?
Draco Malfoy EVERYONE LINE UP – HARRY POTTER'S GIVING OUT SIGNED PHOTOS! LOL what a fucking prick! (sent from mobile)
(Colin Creevey likes this.)
Harry Potter: STFU, MALFOY, I'M NOT.
Colin Creevey: ur just jelous!
Harry Potter: Colin, please stay out of this – you're about as thick as Crabbe's neck – they can break you between their toes.
Draco Malfoy: JEALOUS? Of WHAT? Having a foul cool-shaped scar right in the middle of my face so everyone can stand and gawk at me? No thanks – it's not that special enough of a reason to be famous.
Crabbe: LOL.
Goyle: LOL.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Draco Malfoy's wall: EAT SLUGS!
Draco Malfoy: Is that supposed to scare me? You better be careful – you don't want your mummy to drag you by the hair back home. IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE…
Knot of Slytherin Fifth Years:LOL.
Draco Malfoy wrote on Harry Potter's wall: I think Poorsley wants a signed photo – it'll be worth more than his entire house!
Ronald Weasley: UGH not that horrible pun AGAIN!
Ronald Weasley IS GONNA CHOKE A BLONDE-HAIRED BITCH. (sent from mobile)
Hermione Jean Granger: NO – RED ALERT! PROF. 4 O'CLOCK!
Ronald Weasley: We have a warning system? And you KNOW that I can't read grown-up clocks yet! That means nothing to me!
Hermione Jean Granger: To your RIGHT.
Ronald Weasley: ?
Hermione Jean Granger: YOUR WAND HAND, YOU DOLT.
Gilderoy Lockhart What's all this, what's all this? Who's giving out signed photos? (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter: Why must you repeat everything at least twice?
Gilderoy Lockhart: Ah! Shouldn't have asked! We meet again, Harry!
Harry Potter: It's not like we're age-old buddies from school – we literally just saw each other two periods ago. And I'm not giving out signed photos…I'm not a self-centered asshole, unlike SOME celebrities *COUGH*YOU*COUGH*
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on Colin Creevey's wall: Come on, Mr. Creevey! It's your lucky day – a DOUBLE portrait and we'll BOTH sign it for you!
(Colin Creevey likes this.)
Gilderoy Lockhart MOVE ALONG NOW! The bell has rung! (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter wishes he knew a good vanishing spell – I CAN'T BE WITH THIS MORON FOR ANOTHER SECOND. (sent from mobile)
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on Harry Potter's wall: A word from the wise, Harry. I covered up for you back there with young Creevey – if he was photographing me, too, your schoolfellows won't think you're setting yourself up so much…
Harry Potter: BUT I WASN'T -
Gilderoy Lockhart IMO, handing out signed photos at this stage of your career isn't…sensible. It looks a tad bigheaded, Harry, to be frank. There may well come a time when, like me, you'll need to keep a stack handy wherever you go but I don't think you're quite there yet.
Harry Potter: Holy fuck, you have to be joking. There's no way you're being serious right now. YOU'RE NOT MORE FAMOUS THAN I AM. I could've been handing out signed photos when I was fucking one year old! I wouldn't even have to SIGN it – I could've just DROOLED on it and it would've been worth more than all your signed photos. TAKE THAT, BUTTMUNCH.
Gilderoy Lockhart: Starting class right now! ~_^
Harry Potter can't believe this shit. Lockhart literally makes being famous so much worse than it actually is. (sent from mobile)
Severus Snape: Oh, poor baby. Fucking Harry-scareface-Potter is angsting over his misplaced fame and glory. What a shame, what a shame.
Harry Potter: NOT IN THE MOOD.
Severus Snape: I'm NEVER in the mood to dealing with you, but you don't see ME complaining, do you?
Harry Potter: Literally, every morning I get a notification of your LAMENTING about having me as your student. Don't even GO there.
Severus Snape: Fuck you, Potter.
Harry Potter: Ah, the old stand by insult.
Severus Snape: STFU I'm failing your first five assignments!
Harry Potter: Like you weren't going to do that anyway…
Harry Potter is stacking all his Lockhart books in front of my desk so I won't have to look at the real thing. (sent from mobile)
(Fred Weasley, George Weasley, and Ronald Weasley like this.)
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Man, you could've literally fried an egg on your face – you better hope Creevey doesn't meet Ginny – they'll start a Harry Potter fan club.
Harry Potter:DON'T GIVE THEM ANY IDEAS!
Colin Creevey created the group HARRY POTTER FAN CLUB!.
Ginny Weasley joined the group HARRY POTTER FAN CLUB!.
Ginny Weasley and Colin Creevey are now friends.
Colin Creevey wrote on Ginny Weasley's wall: we shud collabor8.
Ginny Weasley: Modef. Shirt-making after dinner?
Colin Creevey: YEA!
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: THANKS A LOT, DOUCHE.
Dudley Dursley: Aw, is the dork-loser-couple fighting?
Harry Potter: I don't have time to deal with you – I have class in five seconds. WE'RE NOT GAY.
Dudley Dursley: RIIIIIIIGHT. (I don't believe you).
Harry Potter: urghhhhhh.
Gilderoy Lockhart AAAAHHHHEEEEMMMMM!
Neville Longbottom: Hey, why did you have to take my book…
Gilderoy Lockhart Me! Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League and five times winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming Smile Award – but I don't take about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by SMILING at her!
(Gilderoy Lockhart and 10 others like this.)
Ronald Weasley: Of course all the girls AND HE would like this…
Gilderoy Lockhart I see you've bought a complete set of my books – well done.
Harry Potter: Believe me, it wasn't by choice – it was on the required text list. Don't flatter yourself.
Gilderoy Lockhart: I thought we'd start today with a quiz – just to see how much you've taken in…
Harry Potter: You don't read any of my comments pertaining to you, do you?
Gilderoy Lockhart: You have 30 minutes – GO!
Harry Potter this is the worst test I've ever had to take – I'd rather sit through a Potions exam than answer questions pertaining to Gilderoy Lockhart. (sent from mobile)
(Severus Snape likes this.)
Gilderoy Lockhart TUT, TUT, none of you remembered that my favorite color is lilac!
Ronald Weasley: Believe me, that's not something you should be bragging about…
Gilderoy Lockhart: and I clearly stated in Wanderings with Werewolvesin chapter twelve that my ideal birthday gift would be harmony between all magic and non-magic peoples.
Harry Potter: Fuck, you sound like a Miss Universe contestant.
Gilderoy Lockhart: I WISH! Why do men have to be disqualified?
Ronald Weasley: ?
Dean Thomas: Trying to contain laughter and failing.
Seamus Finnigan: LITERALLY PISSING IN MY PANTS LOL.
Gilderoy Lockhart: But Miss Hermione Granger knew my secret ambition is to rid the world of evil and market my own range of hair-care potions – good girl!
Ronald Weasley: Oh, just throw her a bone, why don't you.
Gilderoy Lockhart: Actually, she'll get ten points to Gryffindor for full marks!
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on Hermione Jean Granger's wall: Excellent! 10 points to Gryffindor!
Hermione Jean Granger OMFG Gilderoy Lockhart actually SPOKE to me in class! (sent from mobile)
(Gilderoy Lockhart likes this.)
Gilderoy Lockhart BE WARNED! I must prepare you for the foulest creatures known to wizardkind! You may be facing your worst fears in this room. Know only that no harm can befall you whilst I am here. All I ask is that you remain calm.
(20 others like this.)
Neville Longbottom: Eeek!
Gilderoy Lockhart: I must ask you not to scream – IT MIGHT PROVOKE THEM!
Gilderoy Lockhart: Yes – CORNISH PIXIES!
Seamus Finnigan: HOLYFUCKINGSHIT HAHAHAHAHA I'M DYING.
Gilderoy Lockhart: Yes?
Seamus Finnigan: Oh, come on! They're not DANGEROUS. An owl can eat that in about two seconds.
Hedwig the Owl: I can eat it in a MILLISECOND.
Harry Potter: Since when did you give a shit about my lessons, Hedwig?
Hedwig the Owl: I actually really enjoy Lockhart – he makes your life miserable when I can't. I approve.
Harry Potter: Of course you would. Bitch.
Hedwig the Owl: ^_^
Gilderoy Lockhart: Don't be so sure!
Seamus Finnigan: Please don't annoyingly wag your finger at me.
Gilderoy Lockart: Devilish tricksters they can be! Let's see what you make of them!
Neville Longbottom HELP I'M BEING FLOWN BY THE EARS BY CORNISH PIXIES! (sent from mobile)
Gilderoy Lockhart: Come on, now! Round them up! They're only pixies!
Harry Potter: ARE YOU SEEING ALL THIS? THEY'RE DESTROYING EVERYTHING MORE EFFECTIVELY THAN A RAMPAGING RHINO.
Gilderoy Lockhart: *Peskipiksi Pesternomi!*
Harry Potter: Okay, I may have known my status as a wizard for only a year and I may be at the bottom of my class, but I DO know that's certainly NOT a spell.
Neville Longbottom almost landed on Gilderoy Lockart! But at least I'm on the ground. (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter: Why didn't you LAND on him…
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on Harry Potter's wall: I'm just going to ask you three to nip the rest of them back into their cage – toodles!
Harry Potter: The rest of them? They're all still outside of their cages! You actually did NOTHING!
Gilderoy Lockhart: Gotta run! X3
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THIS SHIT? FUCK A PIXIE JUST BIT ME IN THE EAR. LAKSDJFLSDKJFLSDFJK.
Hermione Jean Granger: He just wants to give us some hands-on experience! DUH.
Harry Potter: You're giving this guy WAY too much credit. He doesn't know SHIT.
Hermione Jean Granger: Rubbish! You've read his books –
Harry Potter: No, I haven't.
Hermione Jean Granger: Well you've HEARD of all those amazing things he's done.
Ronald Weasley: He SAYS he's done – big difference.
Harry Potter: Foreshadowing?
Ronald Weasley: Dunno – good we have it on Facebook for posterity. It will certainly make the Hogwarts staff look awful if we turn out to be right. And we figured it out after having one class with him.
Harry Potter: LOL, ikr?
Hermione Jean Granger: BOYS! HELP ME PUT THESE PIXIES BACK NOW OR I WON'T HELP YOU WITH YOUR HOMEWORK!
Harry Potter: Yes, ma'am!
Ronald Weasley: GOING.
A/N: Just curious, which book are you guys excited for us to do next? We're excited to get to PoA because it's our favorite.
Please review!
D+K