A VERY POTTER SITCOM
SEASON 2, EPISODE 3
"The Stupid School that ISN'T Hogwarts"
(TV-14- DL)
Dumbledore's voice: Previously on "A very Potter Sitcom"-
(We see a few flash backs recapping the first two episodes of AVPS season 2)
Dumbledore: And now, part 3.
(Blackout)
(We see Umbridge and Harry walking through crowded London streets)
Umbridge: Why are all 'deese people staring at me?
Harry: Uh, it might have something to do with your outfit and the fact that you are dragging to teenagers behind you.
Ron: Oh, and that you kind of look like a guy.
(Umbridge glares)
Umbridge: Shut up you f**king little weasel in the barn! I am a strong wo- wait a minute, all of the Wizarding World knows me. Why would they not even care about me?
Ron: Because this isn't the Wizarding World. This is the Muggle World.
Harry: Yeah, these are all Muggles.
(Close up on Umbridge's face as her eyes widen in shock and she opens her mouth wide)
(Sudden, scary music plays in the background)
(We see a camera shot, bird's eye view, of the city)
Umbridge's loud voice: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
(Theme song)
(Commercial break)
(We return to see Umbridge running through the streets, screaming wildly and alarming citizens every time she bumps into one)
(Harry and Ron charge behind her)
Harry: Umbridge, wait!
Ron: Why are you freaking out?
Umbridge: AAAHH!
(All three of them run into a small bathroom with nobody else in it)
Umbridge: I am so scared right now!
Harry: Why?
Umbridge: Um…uh….I….y…..Oh, I'M FREAKING SCARED OF MUGGLES, ALRIGHT? THEY TERRIFY ME! I WANNA GO HOME! Or at least back to prison.
Harry: There's nothing to be scared of. They're just Muggles.
Ron: Yeah, they're more afraid of you than you are of them.
(Harry looks at Ron)
Ron: What? Have you ever seen a Muggle react to you doing magic? They flip out!
Umbridge: I am horrified of Muggles, okay? I have nightmares every night about them burning me on a stake or melting me with water or calling me a wicked witch! (She begins to ball) Then I have some weird sexy dream and I get over it.
(The stall opens and a surprised looking, awkward Muggle walks out, looking strangely at the group)
(He walks out as Umbridge stares at him as if he were a monster)
Umbridge, whispering: They're like the devils!
(There is a very loud knock on the door)
Man's voice: This is the Police! Open up and let us in. We got a call about a strange cross dresser rampaging through the streets.
(Umbridge shrieks)
Umbridge, sobbing comically: Save me!
(She darts into a stall and slams it shut)
Officer's voice: I am coming in!
Ron: Oh, what are we gonna do?
Harry: I don't know!
(The officer walks in)
Officer: Alright, boys. Now you were seen with the weird cross dresser guy. And I heard his frantic voice in here. Now, where is he?
Harry and Ron: No idea.
Harry: Haven't seen him/her in a few hours.
Ron: Not a clue.
(We hear Umbridge whimpering very loudly behind the stall door)
(The officer slowly opens the door)
(We see Umbridge sitting on the toilet, starring at the Officer with a horrified expression on her face, whimpering with her mouth closed tightly)
(Umbridge continues to whimper comically)
(Officer looks at Harry and Ron)
Ron, nervously: *Quietly* Yay….we found her…..
(Commercial break)
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(We return to see two cops, including the one who arrested the group, standing next to each other in a police station with the camera focused on them)
(They are both glaring and preparing to question)
Officer 1: Why have you been chasing the cross dresser?
(Cut to shot of Harry)
Harry: Well, the weird part about all of this is…that's actually a girl we're talking about.
(Cut to shot of Ron)
Ron: Hey, is Showgirls something Muggles show everywhere?
(Cut back to officers)
Officer 1: Why were you running through the streets of London, yelling strangely and harassing civilians?
(Cut to shot of Umbridge)
Umbridge, whimpering comically: Mmmm…..mmmmm…..MMMM!
(Cut to new scene)
(We see the lawyer group talking in the court room)
Lupin: Okay, we need a better defense. Let's start from the top. Umbridge says she went to get her…procedure…and then walked in to find her husband dead.
Jacob: However, the step-daughter says she went to take a shower and then came downstairs to find Umbridge making a strange der der noise, which we know to be her laugh, as she stood with a Muggle firearm over the dead body of the victim.
Hermione: But, wait, what was the daughter doing before she arrived home? And did she see anything else? Hear anything?
Lupin: Let's ask.
Arthur: Alright, time to continue! Bang!
Lupin, whispering: Who wants to take the floor?
Malfoy, smiling sinisterly: Leave that to me.
(Cut to Umbridge sitting in a jail cell with Ron and Harry)
(Ron and Harry are glaring at her and she is wide eyed and horrified, still whimpering)
Harry: This is your fault you know.
Umbridge: So scared…Umbridge scared….mmmmm…
Ron, annoyed: Son….of….a…
Ron and Harry: Bitch!
(Cut to shot of court room)
Lupin: We call Margery Sannage to the stand.
(An ugly looking woman played by actress of Crabbe in heavy make up with a large, fake afro perm walks in)
Lupin: Please take the stand.
(She sits)
(A man with a bible walks up to her)
Man: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth on the holy bible?
Margery: I'm an atheist.
(Pause)
Man: Fine….please tell the truth….bitch.
Margery: Yeah, yeah.
Man: Lupin, you may now proceed.
Lupin: Very well. Now, Malfoy. Go ahead.
(Malfoy strikes a pose and then walks over to the stand with his hands on his hips)
Malfoy: Now….Ms. Sannage….is it true that you were taking a shower…naked at the time of the murder?
(She looks at him)
Margery, sarcastically: No, I was fully clothed…dumbass.
Jacob: You know, comedy central is actually bleeping that word out now.
Malfoy: Now….
(He slides to the floor and everyone leans over to see him)
(Malfoy slowly rolls around the floor)
Malfoy, on floor: Where were you before you arrived at home to take you naked shower?
Margery: Again, everyone takes showers naked. And, I was out, like, getting a perm.
(Malfoy jumps up)
Malfoy, dramatically while pointing: AHA! A perm! Yes, that….proves absolutely nothing. I have no idea where I'm going with this.
Hermione, standing: Wait, Malfoy. Excuse me, you said that you were taking a shower when you returned home?
Malfoy: Naked?
Margery, annoyed: Why does everyone want to hear about my shower?
Hermione: Nothing further.
Lupin: Nothing further?
Hermione: Nothing further!
Malfoy: Nothing further, your honor.
(Commercial break)
(We return to see Harry and the others still standing in a cell)
Ron: Are you sure this is going to work?
Harry: Not at all.
Umbridge: We got no choice.
Ron: Alright. Let's go.
(They lock arms)
Harry: Disparate!
(There is a very large flash of light and we see a weird image of the three suspended in limbo)
Harry and Ron: This is totally….awesome (echoing)
Umbridge, slow motion echoing: A der….der….der…..der…
(There is another flash of light and they appear in a Muggle math classroom in a small school)
Umbridge: Oh, what da hell? Another Muggle place?
Harry: It's alright. We just need to make sure we aren't caught by anybody-
(The door opens and three middle school students walk in)
(The characters that are about to be presented in this episode are characters from a popular show I wrote on a private website for kids who went to my different schools. The episodes will soon be uploaded on fictionpress and this takes place after the show has been around for about four years)
(Audience cheers at the appearance of the characters from "Stupid School")
(There is a fairly tall, pretty popular girl with long, curly blonde hair and a shocked expression, Hailey)
(There is a tall boy with tan skin and long, dirty blonde hair, Gram)
(There is a short boy with a Jew fro haircut and a shocked face as well, Zacks)
(They stare at Harry, Ron, and Umbridge)
Zacks: Why is there a cross dresser and two teenagers standing in our math classroom?
Hailey: This is actually considered weird for our school.
Umbridge, looking terrified: AAAHHHHH!
(She runs out of the classroom and darts up the small, dark hallway in the tiny school, blabbering loudly)
(Cut to shot of the principal, a short woman with dark hair and a pink suit on standing next to a tall superintendent)
Superintendent: Well, I am duly impressed. For the first time in, I think ever, this school is perfectly in order for this year. You are definitely doing your best to enforce rules on your students. Nothing weird or bizarre is happening today.
Principal: Well, thank you.
Superintendent: You're welcome. I'd say that there is nothing at all disruptive or strange going on today. *Looks past the Principal's shoulder*
(Pause)
Superintendent: Except maybe the cross dresser running down your hallway.
(Principal turns in shock)
(Umbridge streaks past them)
Umbridge: DAAAHHHH!
(They keep staring her way as she runs out of the hallway)
Principal: You jinxed us, sir.
(We cut back to the classroom)
Hailey: Do you know who would be really excited to see this? Jacob Fleming.
Ron: Who?
Gram: A guy who used to go here. He was one of the funniest people I knew.
Zacks: He left. Now he's at another school. Haven't seen him since.
Harry: I know how you feel. We've lost people too. But, we are telling the truth about wizards and stuff.
Gram: Well, then we need to find that Dumbridge-
Harry and Ron: Umbridge.
Gram: Umbridge. We need to find that Umbridge woman. This school is very, very tiny. It used to be a day care center. Right now, we're just in the trailers. She could already be running around town now.
Ron: Well, then we need to go.
Hailey: Come on. We'll check the field. Nobody should bother us. We're such a small school, we know everybody who goes here. There's only about 200 of us in all.
Harry: Let's go.
(They get up and dart out the door)
(Commercial break)
(We return to see the group of kids running through a field in front of a tiny little school, with some other comical students looking at them as they run)
Harry: I don't see her!
Zacks: She might have run in there!
(He points at a large, concrete barn house with a crappy metal roof)
(Mysterious music plays)
Gram: Come on, we'll let's go.
Ron: Is it dangerous?
Hailey: Drunks, gangs, and junkies all hang out there and the roof always has a danger of falling in but other than that, it's fine. Come on!
(They dart inside after running across the field)
(Once inside, they see that it is completely empty and vacant, no steps or stables at all)
Ron: Umbridge?
Harry: Where are you?
Zacks: She isn't in here.
Ron: Are you sure?
(They don't see her staring down on them, clinging to the roof slightly above the wall behind them)
Harry: I'll have to stun her. It won't kill her but she'll be knocked out.
Umbridge: NEVER POTTER!
(They all turn to see her and Harry raises his wand)
Hailey: Harry, NO!
Harry: Stupify!
(A red stream of light flies out of his wand and heads for Umbridge who magically vanishes into nothing)
(The spell hits the ceiling and it begins to break)
(They all stand there, stunned)
Zacks, Hailey, and Gram: Oh, s**t.
(The ceiling begins to fall in and they all very quickly run out)
(Cut to shot of them darting out just as the ceiling completely falls in and a large cloud of smoke rises into the air)
(Cut to shot of Mr. S, a teacher whom everyone likes, staring at the wreckage from his car)
(Scene change to the group sitting back in the same room)
Harry: Thank you for trying to help.
Zacks: Don't mention it. Now, I need to work on my mac computer.
(He looks at desk and it isn't there)
Zacks, girly and terrified: Oh my God! Where's my mac?
(They turn to see Umbridge outside beating the principal over the head with the laptop until it breaks)
Umbridge: Scary MUGGLE!
(We see student looking at the scene, trying not to laugh)
Umbridge: Potter, Weasley! I'm done runnin'! We are out of here!
(She drops the smashed computer and Zacks over dramatically falls to his knees, screaming "NO!")
Umbridge: Let's go!
(She grabs the two and they vanish in a flash of light)
(All students shield their eyes)
Students: Ah! Magic!
(Cut to scene of Hermione walking around Margery in courtroom)
Hermione: Now, you say you were in the shower after getting that perm?
Margery: Yes.
Jacob: And that was why you heard nothing?
Margery: Yes.
Malfoy: And you were naked?
Margery, annoyed: Yes.
Cho: And are YOU aware that after getting that type of perm, a shower will completely ruin it? It wouldn't look anything like it does now!
(Courtroom mutters to each other)
Margery, shocked: What? What the hell are you saying?
Lupin: That you were never taking a shower. So you must have heard something.
Hermione: Or you must have been doing something.
Arthur: Oh, they got her!
(Umbridge bursts through the doors)
Umbridge: Exactly! She always hated me! Dat little bitch bought a *scared* Muggle *normal* gun and fired at the first person to enter the door. She thought it was me! But it was my husband!
(A crying Margery stands angrily)
Margery: Yes I did you man lady! I hate you! Why did it have to be him coming in? I didn't mean to kill my father! I thought the person coming in the door was Dolores Umbridge!
Everyone on Lupin's team: The case is closed!
(They cheer as audience claps and Umbridge yells happily)
(She pulls a few of the students into headlocks, her version of hugs)
Umbridge: Oh, I love you all! I thank you and I am sorry for what momma has done!
(The happy music that played after Voldemort was killed plays)
(Margery is handcuffed and taken away)
Umbridge: And maybe I'll even come back to visit!
Everyone: Uhh….
(Umbridge laughs happily)
Umbridge: I am so happy! Thank you all of you!
Everyone: You're welcome!
(They all continue to celebrate as the scene changes to a dark room)
(We see a large pool of green liquid and a nude figure stepping out)
(We hear Voldemort's demonic laugh just like when he first came out of the cauldron)
(Someone in Death Eater robes drapes a robe around him and he walks out from the darkness)
(His face is revealed and we see that he now looks like a healthy young man, still played by Joe Walker, with no makeup whatsoever)
Voldemort, singing: And now he's back…
TO BE CONTINUED
Author's note: Well, I didn't really get to introduce the "Stupid School" characters very well. There are a lot more of them and they are very funny. The show I wrote happens to be even better than AVPS, it's less corny, and I wrote them a while back and am still writing it. They will be given their own show called "Stupid School" that will be uploaded on fictionpress website. The show is full of brilliant jokes and catch phrases that were inspired by my old middle school that I loved so much. It will be uploaded soon. All five seasons. Please review this and look out for "Stupid School" coming soon.
HALLOWEEN EPISODE WILL BE UPLOADED EITHER THIS THURSDAY OR THIS WEEKEND!