A Companion For Uncle Iroh

Chapter Three: SFB, Looking For Company

Author's Note: This is so very, very late. I promised two weeks, and it took almost two months. On the bright side, this probably won't happen again. Why? Because I no longer have a part-time job! Whee! Now all I need is moneys. Many mucho moneys.

The credit card bit is not entirely mine; I got the idea from a little Avatar in a Nutshell flash video made by KimchiCrusader. She's way funnier than I'll ever be. I'll put the link up later; I seem to have misplaced it.

Enjoy!

"So mingling with the crowd did not work so well," Iroh said. "But at least we met some interesting people!"

Zuko glared at him from beneath a small mound of glitter, courtesy of the army of Mary Sues. The stuff had been stuck to him for a week now, despite all efforts involving crowbars, WD-40, and Uncle Iroh's cologne.

Needless to say, Zuko was not happy.

"Do not worry, my nephew," Iroh said, pulling a scroll out of his sleeve, "I have a new, fool-proof plan!"

Zuko's eyes went wide with terror, and there was a small poof of pink glitter as he tried to run out of the room. Unfortunately, the same glitter also got under his leather shoes and made him slip, falling flat on his sparkly face.

"You see, I discovered something called a personal advertisement," Iroh continued. A muffled scream came from the pile of glitter.

"If you send in a letter, special messengers will carry it to all the nations for a low, low price! Isn't that wonderful, nephew?"

Oh no, Zuko thought. Not again. Not now! My credit's maxed out already, thanks to that cleaning bill for my robe. Must...not...let...Uncle...shop!

"Now, let's see, where is that ink..." Iroh said, pulling from his sleeve a dog biscuit, tea kettle, pink conch shell, three pai-sho tiles, a set of false teeth, and a pot of ink. (Whole continents have been known to hide in the retired General's sleeves. It has been speculated that the vast Earth Kingdom armies he defeated were not slaughtered, but accidentally swept up into his left sleeve. Physicists will deny it, but who cares what they think?)

Iroh bent over a fresh scroll, biting one end of a calligraphy brush. "Now then, what shall I write? Ah!"

Single White Firebender, Looking For Company

Former Prince and General, Likes to Travel

Enjoys Singing, Music Nights, Shopping.

Love of Tea a Must, Particularly Ginseng.

Though Jasmine Tea Is Fine.

So Is Any Tea, In Fact.

XOXOXO

"What do you think of that, nephew? Nephew?"

Glitter is flammable. Highly flammable, actually. Zuko is a fire bender. He is covered in pink glitter, which he dislikes immensely. And he is very angry.

I think you get the picture.

Uncle Iroh turned and ran, tucking the scroll back up his sleeve.

Behind him came the fireball formerly known as Prince, every one of the millions of glittery bits ablaze.

Zuko was never quite sure how his uncle had sent the scroll out. He suspected that the bribery of Lieutenant Ji was involved somehow. The only thing he was sure of was that his credit card company had sent him a politely threatening note, requesting that he send them money or else he would receive a few visitors. Very big, very muscular, and very angry visitors.

That had been a big tip. That and the mountain of scrolls that came in reply to Iroh's advertisement.

"Look, nephew, this one is pink and scented!" Iroh exclaimed. " 'Dear Sir, perhaps you do not remember me, but my name is Gary Stu and'...oh, dear. He included a picture."

Iroh's face turned a very delicate shade of green, which can be translated to mean, "I am already scarred for life and am going to throw up very soon if you do not remove this image from my eyes." Fortunately, one of the crew happened to speak Faceturningcolorsese, and removed the offending scroll before the retired general could, as they say in the fire nation, "blow chunks".

"This one's from some fortune teller in the Earth Kingdom, sir," Lieutenant Ji said, handing over a new parchment. Iroh brightened considerably.

" 'Hello there, handsome,'" he read. Then he turned to the crew. "Did you hear that, men? She called me handsome! 'I saw your advertisement and my inner eye told me that it was you. My inner eye also told me that we will marry and have many babies. Take me now, hot stuff.'"

Several members of the crew had already run to tell Prince Zuko. Those loyal few who remained appeared to be thinking very hard of old people not making babies. The ones who did not succeed screamed and clutched at their eyes, saying, "I'm blind, I'm blind!"

Iroh was blushing. "Oh, my. She has sent a picture as well."

"Uncle! What have I told you about terrorizing the crew!" Zuko yelled, charging onto the deck. "And what are all these scrolls doing here?"

The retired general had the grace to look chagrined. Just not very much. "Ah, nephew, I see you have removed the last of the glitter. How wonderful!"

Zuko only glared harder, "Uncle, why have I received a polite scroll from my credit card company saying that they will rip me limb from limb if I don't pay back my over-extended credit?"

A fine trickle of sweat appeared on Iroh's brow.

"Oh, nephew, I did tell you to be more responsible with your money--"

"Uncle."

"It wasn't much--"

"Uncle."

"Only one hundred gold pieces--"

"UNCLE!"

Scrolls and pieces of parchment are flammable. Very flammable. Zuko is a fire bender. Need I go on?

"That was not very nice, nephew," Iroh remarked as he rubbed his singed eyebrows. "Now I shall have to begin my search all over again."

"Not with my money," Zuko said.

A very evil look appeared in his uncle's eye.

"Oh, Zuko, I seem to be coming down with a cold."

"What?!"

"Let me borrow your sleeve--"

"No! Back, back you snot monster! You booger beast! Stay back!"

Hooorrrrrrrnnnnnngggggghhhhhhkkkkkk.

"Ugh! Uncle, this was a brand-new robe!"