(Episode 3) Chapter 3: Grover Fucks Up
Grover: I need to go to the bathroom. Wait right here
Percy: Of course
Five seconds later…
Percy: Taxi!
A taxi stops in front of Percy.
Percy: East 104th and First!
The taxi takes Percy home
Percy: Finally! I can go home to my mom now. Wait I think it's time for some character development. Time for a flashback! I even remember the parts I wasn't there for! Anyways when my mom was about five, her parents died in a plane crash…
Flashback...
Kid Sally: Mister! When will my mommy and daddy come home?
Police: I'm sorry little girl but your parents died in a plane crash [points TV remote at TV]
Reporter: ...and here we have exclusive footage of the plane crash
The TV plays footage of a plane crashing into the ground and exploding violently with pieces flying everywhere
Police: Oh man that was brutal! Nobody could survive a crash like that! The bodies are probably mutilated and burned beyond recogni- [looks at Sally] oh right. Sorry kid
Percy [voiceover]: My mother was then sent to live with her uncle who didn't really give a crap about her
Sally: Someday, I'm going to grow up and be a writer of some kind
Percy's Great Uncle: Shaddup and get me a beer!
Percy [voiceover]: She was gonna go to college but then she had to drop out of high school to take care of her uncle, who had come down with a case of penile cancer
Percy's Great Uncle: OH GAWD THE PAIN! SALLY! GET OVER HERE AND HELP YOUR DEAR OLD UNCLE
Sally: [wipes the tender spot with a moist towelette] Is this better uncle?
Percy's Great Uncle: Ah that sooths the fire...you know you're actually a great kid Sally
Sally: Does this mean you'll pay for my college tuition?
Percy's Great Uncle: Hell no!
Percy [voiceover]: True to his word, my mom's uncle didn't leave her anything. Then she met dad
Sally: Why hello Poseidon. My that's an unusual name!
Poseidon: Shut up and have sex with me
Percy [voiceover]: But one day he had to leave my mom to sail across the Atlantic. She never saw him again. Then I was born and my mom did her best to raise me. Then she met Gabe Ugliano who looks a lot like Carl from Team Aqua Hungerforce. Then again, what'd you expect with a last name like Ugliano?
Gabe: Hey Sally! Why don't we get married?
The taxi stops outside's Percy's home; Percy enters the apartment and sees Smelly Gabe playing Poker with his friends; they're using those playing cards that have pictures of naked ladies on them.
Eddie: I raise by 3 beers!
Guy No.1: I fold
Guy No.2: I fold
Gabe: I see to your three! Now show your cards!
Eddie: [lays down his cards] I've got 2 pairs of boobs and 2 asses!
Gabe: Hehe! Is that all you've got? Well I have 3 asses and 2 pairs of boobs! Full house!
Gabe laughs as he gets the beer cans he won and chugs 4 cans right away; he notices Percy.
Gabe: Hey Percy! I want some money!
Percy: Fine! Here's your money! [tosses the money onto the table in front of Gabe] Go fuck yourself
Gabe: I already do
An awkward silence; Gabe's two poker friends fart loudly; Percy goes to his room, which has become littered with porno magazines over the semester.
Percy: Man Gabe's stench is almost scarier than Ms. Dodds turning into a roleplayer or those kinky cougars at the fruit stand...almost…
Sally enters the room
Sally: Percy! My little boy has come home! You've grown so much! Tell me everything about the school year!
Percy: Mom lay off! You're smothering me!**
Sally: Is that any way to speak to your mother after nine months? No wonder your father's never around!
Gabe: Sally! Me want bean dip!
Sally: I was just about to make it! Percy and I were talking about that trip to the beach!
Gabe: Bahahahahahaha...oh wait you're not kidding...BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Sally: Don't worry! I'll make him enough dip to last for the whole weekend
Gabe: [in Homer Simpson's voice] Mmmm...dip…
Sally: Plus this is coming out of my clothes money and I promise to be extra careful with the car!
Gabe: Well maybe...if that kid apologizes for interrupting my poker game!
Percy: [thinking] Yeah maybe if I castrate you with a rusty knife! [aloud] I'm sorry for ruining you super special awesome fudge-coated poker game
Gabe: hmmm…
Sarcasm detector in Gabe's brain: Beep...beep...beep...ding!
Gabe: Alright apology accepted.
An hour later, they were on their way to Montauk. They reached there by sunset. They walked by the beach, feeding blue corn chips to the seagulls and eating blue jellybeans and other blue snacks
Percy: [munches] Hey this is great! Can we have blue waffles for breakfast tomorrow?
Sally: Sure Percy. I know how much you like blue food
Percy: That's great! Blue waffles are my favorite! I just love to have the taste of blue waffles in my mouth!
Percy [voiceover]: Apparently, my mom and Gabe had once had a fight over whether there was such a thing as blue food and ever since, mom had went out of her way to eat blue food. She also didn't change her name from Jackson to Ugliano...wow. We've got ourselves a badass over here.
Percy [voiceover]: She then went on to tell me stories about when she was a kid, back before her parents died in the plane crash. She told me about the books she wanted to write someday, when she had enough money to quit the candy shop…
Sally: ...and I think I'll call it "50 Shades of Grey"
Percy: Oh mom! You and your crazy ideas!
They then went on to talk about Poseidon...er I mean Percy's mysterious father…
Sally: I'm afraid you'll have to move…
Percy: What's wrong mom?
Sally: I can't tell you. For the sake of the plot I have to be very vague. As a hint, try to remember your childhood
Percy: Well…
Flashback to the 3rd grade…
Cyclops: [looks at Percy] Hehe...hehehe...hehehehe...hehehehehe…
Teacher: Get away from here you sexual predator!
Cyclops: Grr…
Percy: Teacher! That man had one eye!
Teacher: Yes I'm sure he did Percy
Flashback to preschool…
Percy brings home the snake he strangled…
Percy: Mommy! I'm playing with my snake!
Sally: Oh Percy! First of all, it's not a snake, it's a penis. Second of all, you're too young to mastur- OH MY GOD A DEAD SNAKE!
Back to the present…
Percy: Yeah I kinda get what you mean…
That night, Percy has a dream of a horse and an eagle fighting while a storm rages
Percy: Huh...what is this like the Super Bowl? Hmm...not sure whether to root for the Colts or the Eagles…
Suddenly Percy wakes up, a storm is raging; there's a banging on the door; the door opens and it's…Grover...half-naked
Percy: Huh what? [sees Grover] Dude cover up man! Your crotch is sticking out!
Grover: [in Arnold Shwarzenegger's voice] Come with me if you want to live
Sally: Dammit Percy why didn't you tell me? Get to da choppa...I mean the car!
Percy: Wait a minute...Grover! Your legs! They're hairy! Your feet too! They're hooves!
You also have really hairy junk and a hairy ass too! This means...
Grover: Yes it's true. I'm a sat-
Percy: A big fat liar? Hmph! Muscular disease my ass! It's obvious you have a case of hypertrichosis!
Grover: No I don't have hypertrichosis either. I'm a sat-
The End
The original does mention Gabe's friend farting "in harmony"...aw yeah
Hypertrichosis is a disease resulting in excessive hair growth
No cliffhanger shitnanigans; Grover's a satyr...as if none of you guys knew that already