(A/N) ok so hi there people who actually read my poop fics, i know its a lil weird to save the authors note for the third chapter but whatevs, i just wanted to say this fic is mirrored on AO3, under the same name! (I would add a link but idk how on mobile). This has all been pre written up to this point so it will be a longer wait between this chapter and the next because Im a buttface who doesnt do the things he should be doing. But yeah I just wanted to say hi and thank you for bothering to read this! Now on with the show
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Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you have decided that you are going to win John Egbert's heart.
"That'th never gonna work, KK. Trutht me on thith." Sollux objects from his place beside you on your futon (which you two had folded into a couch. Much easier to play Fatal Frame that way). You shoot him a sour look, and quickly snap a picture of the creepy ghost that's trying to attack you.
"Thanks for shitting all over my dreams with your words, you fuckin' assclown." you snarl, leaning slightly to the left when that Japanese chick whose name you can never remember won't move quick enough. And so you can bump into Sollux's shoulder, something you know irritates him to no end. Normally you wouldn't be this snappy with him, but you're about five minutes away from the Doll Room, which freaks you the fuck out, so you're a little more on edge than usual.
"Hey, I'm jutht thaying. That Egbert kid ith apparently thraiter than an arrow to the knee, tho I'm pretty sure you have no chanthe with him."
"And here I thought you were above Skyrim jokes. I guess I was wrong about you all these years. You really are that much of a toolbox. I owe Aradia five bucks now, so thanks for nothing."
"Thith ithn't about thkyrim and you know it. I'm jutht looking out for my favorite little thycopath." Sollux reaches over and grinds his palm into the top of your head, somewhat reminiscent of patting it, but nowhere near as comfortable. "If you get your fragile little RomCom-loving heart broken, I'm gonna have to deal with your mopy shit afterwardth, tho be careful."
"Yeah, yeah." you grumble, not used to being spoken to so affectionately by your lispy pal. Usually you two are all snide remarks and passive-aggressive comments. He must be in a really good mood to be putting up with your shit like this. "What's the matter with you, anyways? You finally get laid or something?"
Sollux doesn't answer, and instead rolls his blue and mahogany eyes at you, and says, "Doll room." before absconding from the room so fast you hardly see him go. And, when you turn back to the screen of your shitty TV, sure enough, you have entered the Doll Room.
"Aw, fuck. Aw, fuck! You know I can't do this alone, get your malnourished self-depreciating ass back here so I can cling to your arm and scream like a girl!"
.
Your name is Sollux Captor, and that was a close call. Well, not really. You wouldn't have told Karkat your secret under threat of bodily harm, or even death. Maybe under threat of your beloved laptop's untimely demise. But it didn't come to that, so what's the use thinking about it anymore? In fact, you have just resolved to never dwell on this, ever again.
Dwelling on what, you ask? Why, dwelling on the hot, passionate hate-sex you participated in with that caligulasAquarium (his name was Eric or Eridan or something like that) fuckface in the back of his car the night befo-
Oh, you are a sneaky bastard.
.
Your name is John Egbert, and you're not quite sure what to do. You glance over your shoulder one more time, just barely catching the bright greens and blues of the store uniform ducking behind a towering display of baked beans. That Karkat fellow has been following you on your rounds all morning, and it's starting to get a little unnerving.
You walk over to the can-tower, and peer around the corner.
"Karkat?"
And just like that, a shrill screech sounds out, echoing off the high ceilings. The tower wobbles precariously as Karkat's flailing arms crash into the sides of it, causing you to jump back, letting out a little holler of your own. Though you were startled as well, you can't help but feel a swell in your prankster's gambit. It really isn't your fault, this guy is just a pranking goldmine.
"What the fuck Egbert?! Didn't your parental figure ever teach you not to sneak up on someone when they're clearly deep in thought about something having nothing to do with you?"
You get the feeling that last part wasn't meant to be said out loud, but you digress.
"Hehe, sorry about that!" you apologize, though you're pretty sure it wasn't your fault. "Hey, uh, I don't mean to sound weird or anything, but I think you've kinda been following me all morning."
Karkat bristles at this, taking a couple of steps backwards towards the frozen foods section.
"What the hell kind of accusation is that?" he protests a bit too quickly, eyes shifting from side to side as if searching for witnesses. "As if i would waste one iota of the ever-shrinking black void that is my precious free time stalking your incompetent ass!"
"No one said anything about stalking, dude." you deadpan, arching an eyebrow. Karkat's eyes widen slightly, making him take on an almost owlish look, mostly due to the dark bags gathered under his eyes. He begins to do a kind of demented crabwalk off to the side, almost skittering away, all the while blustering out a sharp, "Whatever!"
You also think he might have flipped you the bird a couple of times, but you're not sure.
As you watch him go, there's only one thought in your head. What in the name of Colonel Sassacre is up with this guy?
.
Your name is Sollux Captor, and you have been watching Karkat scribble furiously on a notepad for the past...
You check your phone.
For the past hour and a half.
Normally you would have gotten bored and moved on to messing with your computer, or letting some twelve year old chump know just how good his mom is in bed over Call of Duty, but you honestly can't look away. You have no idea what he's writing, but whatever it is, it's causing him to make the weirdest faces you have ever seen. And you go on the internet. You have seen a lot of weird shit.
Now his nose is scrunched up, and his mouth is bunched to the side, one of his canines (which you think have always been just a bit too long) poking out from between his lips. Since his eyes are narrowed and downcast to the yellow pad of paper, and have been the entire time, he doesn't notice you observing him until you speak up.
"What in the actual fuck have you been doing thith whole time, KK?" you ask, leaning over to rest your chin against your palm. He jumps more than slightly, almost flinging the pad and pencil across the room in his surprise. You scoff, earning yourelf a glare once Karkat regains his composure.
"Nothing that's your business," he snarls, crossing his arms over the coffee table to cover the paper. You slide down from your slouched position on the couch and sit next to Karkat, tucking your too-long legs underneath the low table. You grab his arm and lift it, snatching at the pad of paper before he gathers himself enough to react.
Sticking out your hand, you catch the center of Karkat's chest, lean back just out of reach of his short arms, and start reading aloud.
"'Wayth to court that douchecanoe John Egbert'" you recite, snickering quietly. After scanning the page, you're a little disappointed that Karkat, the guy famous for loving everything shittily romantic, wasn't able to come up with anything better than 'just fucking fuck him already'.
"Dude, like all of thethe involve Thtrider's shit thtore." you realize after the second shorthanded fantasy of Karkat pinning Egbert up against one of the doors in the freezer section and sticking his tongue down his throat until he's okay with it.
"And what the hell's wrong with that, dickprince?" he growls out, and makes a final grab for the pad before collapsing against the side of the couch in defeat. You don't trust him, however, and move your sock-clad foot up to press against his chest, scooting further back, just in case he decides to jump into action again.
"Love thtorieth don't happen in grocery thtoreth, cocklord." you reply, setting the pad against your stomach and propping yourself up on your elbows. Karkat frowns, sitting up a little straighter. You tense, ready for him to lunge at you to retrieve the paper in a fruitless attempt to regain his dignity (who is he trying to fool, you both lost that years ago).
Unexpectedly, he slips himself between your legs, and leans his back against your chest before muttering, "Employee of the month."
That certainly wasn't an attack. It lacked teeth and blunt nails and hair pulling. Hell, it even lacked verbal viciousness. You bring one arm off the floor to set your hand against the top of Karkat's head. He only gets cuddly when he's actually worried or upset about something, so you figure this Egbert kid must mean at least a little something to him.
"I dunno what you're talking about," you admit, scratching gently at his scalp, something you know he enjoys but would never ask for. He shifts slightly, trying to get comfortable, before repeating himself.
"Employee of the month, starring Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson. It's a romcom set in a store. Not exactly a grocery store, more like a Walmart, but a store nonetheless."
He quiets down after that, just leaning against you, tilting his head side to side, depending on where your nails decide to wander. You think for a little bit, before finally speaking up.
"Why don't you jutht uthe the plot ath a guide, then?" you ask, retracting your hand and placing it behind you once more. Karkat freezes, and cranes his neck to look up at you. You notice the circles under his eyes have gotten darker, and make a mental note to force him into bed a few hours earlier than usual tonight.
"What did you say?" he asks calmly, as if he's still under the trance that your head-scratching usually puts him into. You can tell that isn't the case, however, since his voice is a little tight around the edges, like he's holding something back.
"You know, uthe the plot of the movie to try and win Egbert'th heart. The guy becometh employee of the month to get in the chick'th panth, right? Tho why don't you try that? I bet he appreciateth a hard worker."
The next thing you know, Karkat has flipped around and pressed you into the carpet, an almost psychotic smile stretched across his lips. Those canines aren't helping him look any more sane.
"You're a fucking genius, Sol." and with that, he plants a loud kiss on your lips, hops off of you, and scuttles over to the front door, throws it open, and races outside. You're left rubbing saliva off your mouth and wondering what the fuck just happened.
"What kind of entity has pothethed our little crabcake?" You ask Gamzee, who has just lumbered into the room, a still-smoking joint tucked behind his ear. His lazy smile widens and he plops down on the couch, long limbs splayed across the cushins.
"Love, brother."