COSETTE: ...Marius? Are you all right?
MARIUS: HIDE ME
COSETTE: From what?
MARIUS: From (shudders) her.
COSETTE: From who?
MARIUS: Her.
COSETTE: From who?
VOICE: MARIUS! HI!
MARIUS: (groans, then turns to face the VOICE and smiles) Hi, Éponine! It's great to see you!
(COSETTE turns and sees a girl with auburn hair who is dressed in rags. She appears to be slightly insane, and she is awesome. The name she is currently going by is the JONDRETTE GIRL, so we'll call her that.)
JONDRETTE GIRL: Marius! I've been looking everywhere for you! I want to tell you about this job my father and I-(notices Cosette and scowls.) What is she doing here?
MARIUS: (cringes) We...uh...gotmarriedlastyear...
JONDRETTE GIRL: (gasps) You didn't! Without me?
COSETTE: (brightly) Oh, did you want to be invited? You should have told me you had such a lovely friend, Marius! What's your name?
JONDRETTE GIRL: (dreamy sigh) Mrs. Pontmercy. That's what I write I all over my imaginary schoolbooks, anyway.
COSETTE: No, my name is Mrs. Pontmercy. Sorry.
MARIUS: Her name is Éponine, Cosette.
VOICE: Yes?
OTHER VOICE: Yes?
(Two more girls are standing behind MARIUS. They are currently going by the BARKS GIRL and the SALONGA GIRL.)
SALONGA GIRL: OMG MARIUS!
BARKS GIRL: IT'S YOU!
SALONGA GIRL: WE'VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU!
(MARIUS, horrified at being surrounded by this motley crew of Éponines, shrinks backward.)
MARIUS: Hi, Éponine...and Éponine...I was just talking to Éponine here...
BARKS GIRL: Wait...(notices Cosette and scowls) what's she doing here?
MARIUS: Déjà vu...um, we're married.
SALONGA GIRL: You are?
MARIUS: Yeah...we got married last February...and we've been almost sickeningly happy ever since...
SALONGA GIRL: I don't suppose you're the type to cheat on your wife, are you?
MARIUS: Uh, no.
SALONGA GIRL: Dang.
BARKS GIRL: *sniffle* *sob* *bawl* MARIUS GOT MAAAAAAAAAAAAARRIED...WHY, GOD, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
SALONGA GIRL: You're always whining, Éponine...be quiet.
BARKS GIRL: No, you be quiet, Éponine!
SALONGA GIRL: Oh no you di-in't!
(An interesting sort of catfight ensues. Untidy hair is pulled and untidy nails scratch smudged faces. The JONDRETTE GIRL, grinning a gap-toothed smile, enthusiastically cheers both on. MARIUS and COSETTE are able to edge away in the middle.)
MARIUS: That was weird.
COSETTE: Agreed.
MARIUS: Are you quite sure this isn't a dream, Cosette? (glances furtively around for NAPOLEON.)
COSETTE: I don't know...
MARIUS: Should I try the flying thing again? Then we would know for sure.
COSETTE: Uh, no. Let's just...wait and see.
(The SALONGA GIRL is winning the fight against the BARKS GIRL. The BARKS GIRL sits down and begins to cry.)
BARKS GIRL: I just...(sob)...wanted...(sob)...Marius to love me! And for him to whisk me away to his magical palace and for us to have millions of babies named Marius Jr and two pet unicorns! Was that really so much to ask?
SALONGA GIRL: No, I'm going to live in Marius' magical palace with him! So you can just shut up, you little-
JONDRETTE GIRL: Um, I'm obviously the one Marius is meant to be with. I mean, we lived next door to each other! Both him and my father were Bonapartists! We both had an i in our first names! We were PERFECT for one another!
(Another fight would no doubt ensue but for the arrival of three pairs of shady-looking individuals. The first consists of a bearded woman and a ratlike man, the second of a fat, almost jolly man and woman, and the third of a strangely beautiful couple.)
SALONGA GIRL: Great. My parents are here to pick me up. This isn't embarrassing at all.
JONDRETTE GIRL: Well, it was lovely getting to know you all today. (She runs over to MARIUS and, before he can react, gives him a huge kiss on the lips, then dashes away.) Bye, all!
COSETTE: Is there something you want to tell me, Marius?
MARIUS: Can we just leave? This is getting really weird...
But will I let them leave? Of course not.
Next Chapter: Javert harasses Marius and the lawrrrrrrr is mocked.