Title: The DiNozzo Diaries 2: In The Heat Of The Night
Author: rekkidbraka
Rating: T
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.
Category: Romance; humor; angst
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.
Spoilers: From final two eps. of Season 6
Summary: Sequel to "The DiNozzo Diaries." Special Agent Tony DiNozzo's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter. TIVA. Warning: Intense sexual content in some chapters. No slash.

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries 2: In The Heat Of The Night ---------------------

Blackout in the D.C. area last night. Hot as hell. Ziva and I hit the sack early. Every window in the apartment was open and it was still like an oven in here. Might be the first time I was ever naked in bed with a woman and sex was the last thing on my mind. We were both just trying to stay cool. That was the reason at first, anyway. But it wasn't gonna happen. Period.

Hell of a night. Whoever said honesty is the best policy was a liar.

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Since it was too hot to do anything else, I had the bright idea of telling Ziva we should both get everything about our past relationships out in the open -- she could tell me about Rivkin, I'd tell her about Jeanne. Then we could close the book on those little chapters in our lives.

We're a lot alike, Ziva and me. We both used people to get information; the sex was just part of the job. Maybe we didn't mean to fall in love with them, but we did. And we sure as hell didn't mean to get stabbed in the back by them because they were playing us for fools the whole time, too.

But we did.

Funny thing is, it shouldn't still hurt.

But it does.

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Rivkin. The bastard's dead and he's still screwing with me and Ziva from the grave.

She can't let go of the idea that he wasn't the scuzzball he was -- not completely. There's a part of her that still wants to believe he really was fighting the battle for Israel, doing it for their country. When is she gonna see that he didn't care if she lived or died? That he set her up to be killed back when our team was split up and they were working that op together at the club? Amazing how HE knew to get the HELL outta Dodge but left Ziva there to take the hit.

And he tried to kill me. Tried to rip my arm right outta the socket. Would've gutted me with that shard of glass if I hadn't stopped him. Guy was crazy.

It's like how she is about Ari. She knows he was a cold-blooded murdering SOB. But she can't give up the ghost of some "other side" she remembers.

Honey, take a tip from me: Let go of the memories. Do it now and do it fast. Because once the ex tracks you down, kidnaps you and tortures you for a couple days before she tries to strangle the last breath outta you, the good old days ain't so great all of a sudden.

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Before I met Jeanne, I thought I could never fall in love. Until I fell for her. Then I wondered why I'd thought falling in love was so hard in the first place. Once it was over, I thought I'd never fall in love again.

And now, here I am. With Ziva. At last.

I was in love with her before I *knew* I loved her. Now that we're together, it feels like we were never apart, really.

See, here's the difference between Ziva and me -- I can be honest with myself about Jeanne. I loved her. I made the mistake of loving her. I bought into her lies because I thought she was buying what I was selling, too. She wasn't. It was Ari she still loved all along; I was just a means to an end. And that's what she was supposed to be for me. But I got too close and I got burned. Now I have the scars to remind myself of how stupid I was. I won't make that mistake again. Not ever.

Ziva's with me. She loves me. I know that. And I love her, too. With everything I've got -- like I've never loved any other woman. She's all I want. There's a future for us. I see that. I feel it.

It's just ... she got burned. But it's like she won't admit that the wound needs dressing.

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Ziva's been asleep for hours. Got pretty emotional last night during our heart-to-heart, as if things weren't heated enough around here already.

I'm the worst kind of ass. Because I knew she was crying -- didn't matter that she turned over so I couldn't see; I just knew it -- and I was afraid to tell her it was OK. I was scared to touch her, scared to let her know I love her and I didn't mean to make her cry.

The A/C's finally back on and it's actually chilly in here now. I put a blanket over Ziva because she was shivering a little bit. Didn't want to wake her. I don't want her to be cold.

Me, I guess I'm already made of ice so... yeah -- I don't feel a thing.