Chapter 3: Dare to Believe
Carly's POV
Being on the outside, looking in is an extremely difficult position to be in. It's like you only get half the story and you have to kind of make up the rest. It's kind of crazy sometimes to see a story unfold in front of you. My entire life I have spent moving forward at full speed and leading others. Sometimes I feel like my life is going in circles and I don't know how to stop it. I've planned out my life in every aspect. I've had to be an adult almost my whole life. I'm grateful for my brother and all he has done and given up for me but sometimes I feel like I'm raising him. Yet, my life is pretty amazing. I know I'm going somewhere in life and that feeling is incredible. But I feel like I've failed in some way. I know I haven't always been the greatest listener when my friends have really needed me. And when you don't take the time to observe your world, things can get turned upside down without warning. That is exactly what happened to me recently. I didn't stop for one second to see that my two best friends were falling in love with each other.
Watching Sam and Freddie fall for each other right in front of my eyes was pretty insane. When it first happened, I just kept having flashbacks to when we all first started hanging out. Those two would always drive me crazy with all their arguing. They would find absolutely anything to fight about. There were times I wasn't even sure they'd ever be friends, never mind anything more. I guess love is a funny thing, though. It catches you off guard and sometimes doesn't make a whole lot of sense. And sometimes it does. When I watched through that window at school, watching Sam lay her feelings out for Freddie, it all made sense. The two of them had formed an unspoken bond that I don't think I'll ever quite understand. Freddie has this power of getting Sam to open up and be honest. I've been best friends with her since we were seven years old and I could never do that. They understand each on a different level than I ever will. Surprisingly I'm okay with that. I love to be there for my friends but...I don't think I'd be the number one person either one of them would run to when they're hurting. I guess their story was always meant to be. That's how love stories always are. The feuding guy and girl fall in love, right?
I never thought the two of them would end up together or even want to be. Until I learned they have secrets between just the two of them. Like, their first kiss. It's incredible for them to share some of those deep, intimate moments together. I never really took the time to realize that they always needed each other. For years, Freddie claimed to love me and wanted to be with me. I always turned him down. I used to think it was because he was just my nerdy friend, like my brother. But now, maybe I did it because, subconsciously, I knew he was meant to be with someone else. Maybe I even knew he was meant to be with Sam. I think it was always there, the two of them. They claimed to hate each other for so long but I knew that wasn't true. I used to catch them stealing moments together, even if it was just a look of agreement. They were there for each other in times that no one else was. They would hurt each other and then they'd make up for it in a huge way. Like when Sam humiliated Freddie on iCarly, telling the world he never kissed anyone. I watched her reveal that same secret about herself...just to save him, help him be okay again. Then a few weeks later, Freddie saved Sam. She went to him for help with the whole Missy situation and he came up with a solution. Neither one of them can stand seeing each other in pain. What I can't understand is…why they're killing each other now?
Sam and Freddie's relationship was anything but normal. It was crazy and unpredictable. I wouldn't have expected anything less from the two of them. When I let their secret out, live on iCarly, I didn't know what to expect out of it. It was kind of a split second decision. I'm glad I did it, though. The way they were that night together, I wish I could have paused those moments so that I could replay it now. They were so happy and carefree, nothing mattered but each other. As the weeks went on, they continued to be happy. But happy in a Sam and Freddie way of course. They challenged each other and argued like they always have. That is just who they are. And even though they drove me completely insane with all those pointless arguments, I know they only did it because they loved each other. At the time, I grew tired of their relationship antics. I even considered helping Gibby and Mrs. Benson break them up. I feel so guilty about that because I did it for extremely selfish reasons. I almost sacrificed my best friends' happiness because I wanted things to be normal again. I wanted them to show up for iCarly and include me more in their lives. There was no excuse, it was wrong. I see that now. I see that they only did all those crazy things because they cared so much about each other. And then, in the blink of an eye, it was over. Now all I see is my friends hurting, something I can't change. I just wish everyone could be happy again. But life as we knew it will never be the same.
It has been a rough three months for everybody. Sam and Freddie told everyone that their break up was mutual. That right now, they weren't working but maybe someday they would. I knew they were both lying to hide their pain and please the other. But I see how they look at each other. They'll never be friends again. It's just not going to happen, too much has happened now. That fateful night of the lock-in and the months that followed, changed everything forever. The night they became...Sam and Freddie, their friendship was over. There is no turning back time and it's tearing them apart inside. I liked seeing their strong friendship develop, right before everything happened. I saw them really rely on each other and finally be the kind of friends I always wanted them to be. I love them both and I want them to be happy more than anything. Lately, they have both been the complete opposite and I don't know how to help them. I hate how breakups work. Everyone has to take sides and blame somebody. It is extremely hard when those sides are both your best friends. I feel helpless and I don't know what to do. I tried to ignore it at first but it's impossible. Their lingering tension is always in the room and things feel awkward. I worry things will never be okay again. I want to help them be alright but I'm not sure that will ever happen.
Sam and I have planned out our future as best friends since we were eight years old. I never thought twice about it or thought everything would change. I couldn't believe that Sam had changed her mind and never told me. I was shocked at first and didn't know how to react. Should I be angry? Sad? Or just be happy for my friend? I really didn't know, especially now that Sam had lost Freddie. I saw the look in her eyes when she told me what they had been secretly planning to do next year. She had so much hope and it was taken from her. I never thought Freddie would take that big a step with Sam. Asking her to go to college with him, that's huge. Something you only do when you really love someone. I always knew that they loved each other; somewhere, somehow. But today, I saw that Sam and Freddie are really in love with each other.
I was shocked when I picked up that phone today. I never thought Sam would give up Parsons for anything. She always said that nothing in this world could stop her from going to New York. So, when I confronted her about turning it down, I expected her to tell me she was too lazy to go to the interview or she had forgotten how far New York actually was. That she wasn't spending that long on a plane. But instead I got an extremely different answer. She tried to hide it but it slipped out. There was only one thing holding Sam back from her dream now...Freddie. I saw in that moment that Sam's dream had changed from what it was when we were eight or even what it was last year. She no longer cares about a career or who she will be in this world. Instead her dream has changed into something so much better. All she wanted was to love somebody and have them love her back. She found exactly that in Freddie. She found what she lacked in her life for so long. I can't believe I never saw it. I did now, though. She gave up her dream for love. And that is the most amazing thing anyone could ever do. I saw the look on her face when I asked her if she wanted Freddie back. It killed me when he reentered and her faith fell.
Once she was gone, Freddie tried to grill me on information about her. I saw the pain in his eyes when he realized Sam would never be his friend again. I knew I should stay and hear him out about how he was feeling but I didn't. Instead, I left my friend hurting in that studio, while I chased after Sam for my own selfish reasons. I know I haven't been there for Freddie or Sam in the way I know they need me. They are both in pain and nothing is going to fix that right now. But I had to finish my conversation with Sam. I didn't realize just how much I haven't been listening all this time.
"Sam? Sam?" I call to her as I come down the stairs.
"Hey." She responds quietly.
"I thought you were getting pre-show ham?" I ask when I find her sitting on the couch with nothing but a bottle of water.
"Yeah, I was. But I'm not hungry."
"You're not? We should get you to a doctor, Sam!"
"So funny, Carly."
"Well...it's just, you always have pre-show ham. It's been a ritual for like five years."
"Yeah, well...some things change."
"Speaking of...can we finish our conversation from before?"
"How about we don't and say we did?"
"Come on, Sam. This is really important."
"No, it's not. I made a mistake and it's over, alright?"
"I know but...look I know a lot of stuff has happened these past few months. But there's one thing that hasn't. Do you know what that is?"
"I'm sure you're gonna tell me."
"You're right I am. What hasn't changed is...your feelings for Freddie. And your dream for New York. Those things are still there. And there's no reason you can't have both."
"Carly, look...what Freddie and I had is in the past. Nothing will change that."
"But..."
"No. We're gonna be going our separate ways soon. He'll go go MIT. You'll go to NYU. And...I'll find my place. I truly believe that, wherever or whatever that is."
"You know your place is at Parsons. And you have a second chance...you need to take it."
"I don't know if I can."
"You can. I'm going to visit NYU next week, get that interview and come with me."
"I don't know, Carls...maybe the reason I turned it down to begin with is because I don't belong there."
"No. You turned it down because you fell in love. There's no shame in that, Sam. But…sometimes things change. And you get another chance."
"And sometimes you don't."
"Sam...do you still love Freddie?"
"What? I..."
"Are you going to give up an amazing opportunity and wait for him? Wait for him to be ready for your relationship again? Or are you gonna stand on your own and go after something you really want?"
"Carly, just let it go."
"No! Not until you tell me the truth or agree to come with me next week."
"No, Carls. I won't do either of those things. I don't want to go. And I don't want to talk about this."
"Well, we have to talk about this! Just let me in, Sam. Please I'm your best friend."
"I thought you were Freddie's best friend?"
"Sam, you know that's different. Please just talk to me."
"Can't you just worry about yourself for once? And not the rest of us?"
"I'm only doing this because I care about you."
"If you did...you'd let it go."
"Come on, enough with this already. I need you to..."
"Exactly. Admit you're pushing this for your own selfish reasons!"
"As soon as you admit that this has everything to do with Freddie!" I yell at her and she storms out of the apartment. I know that we're supposed to be starting iCarly and Freddie is going go freak out but I don't care. Maybe I pushed too far this time. "Sam!" I scream, running after her. "Sam! Stop!" I beg her as I catch up to her.
"No!" She yells back at me and continues out the lobby doors.
"Come on, Sam! Look, I'm sorry."
"But you're not, Carly." She says, finally stopping outside. "Look, you're the best friend I could ever ask for. But...sometimes you don't know when to back off."
"You're right. I am being selfish right now and that's not fair to you. I just...I want everything to go back to the way it was. Like it has been all these years."
"I know, me too. But honestly, that's not going to happen."
"Yeah, I know that. These past few months, I've been trying to pretend like nothing's changed. I thought that maybe if we didn't talk about it, then nothing was different. That was wrong. I should have been a better friend to you...and Freddie. I know you're hurting, Sam." I tell her and at first she doesn't say anything.
"You know, it's kind of strange...feeling this way." She says, walking and sitting on the bench beside us. "I never thought it was possible to actually have your heart...this broken. And it doesn't make any sense."
"What doesn't?"
"Well, I'm supposed to hate him. That's who we are, always has been."
"Oh come on, you never hated each other. That was your way of saying you cared."
"I guess so. But now…I shouldn't feel so horrible."
"Why not?"
"Well, I mean I broke up with him."
"What? I thought you guys said it was mutual."
"I know what we said. But...I know that's not true. I told him we didn't click and we needed to go our separate ways. I know he didn't want to break up. But I had to do it."
"Why?"
"Because...I didn't want to get hurt. I knew eventually he'd realize we weren't gonna work. I mean, look at him. He's handsome and smart and kind. And I'm...me. I'm loud, vicious, and unintelligent. Why would someone like him want to be with me?"
"Because he loves you. I can tell. He's learned to love all your bad qualities. And he's the only one that got you to let out all of your amazing ones. Sam, you're funny and smart and loving. Whether you want to be or not. Freddie saw past all the horrible things you've done to him over the years. He let you in and...he loves you."
"Yeah, I know. He told me the night we broke up."
"He did?"
"Yeah. And I said it back."
"That's amazing, Sam. But wait...if you loved each other, then why'd you go through with the break up?"
"I really don't know. We spent that night together and it was incredible. But then midnight hit, and it was like the real world kicked in. It was over."
"Wow, this has got to be killing you. Still being with him every day."
"Yeah, it's not easy."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"If you could redo that night, the night you broke up, would you? Would you let Freddie go?"
"No, I wouldn't. But...there are no redo's in life and I have to live with what I did."
"Even if it hurts you this bad?"
"Yeah. I broke up with him to avoid heartbreak but...ended up there anyway."
"I'm sorry, Sam. Maybe you will work things out eventually."
"Yeah, maybe. And maybe not. It's probably time to really let him go and try to move forward."
"What if that's not possible?"
"I know it's not. But I have to at least pretend it is. I can't keep living like this. I want to be okay again. I want to be strong and confident again. Not weak and sappy like I am now."
"Sometimes it's okay to be weak and sappy."
"Well, I don't like it. That's not who I've ever been."
"True. But...that was before you fell in love. It changes you."
"Yeah, I guess. It makes you do some stupid things. Like, giving up Parsons. What was I thinking?"
"That you wanted to be with Freddie."
"Yeah, I was actually getting used to the idea of going UMass. I think it would be really amazing."
"Sam, is Parsons still your dream?"
"What do you mean? Of course… I mean, I don't even know. My whole life, I knew that was the plan. We'd graduate and I'd go to Parsons. But now that it's almost here...I don't what my dream really is anymore."
"Sam...maybe you need to figure it out before you make any decisions."
"Yeah, you're right. It's just... I don't know what I want anymore. And that scares me so much. Maybe New York really isn't for me. Not because of Freddie. Not because my dream has changed. Maybe it just isn't. But...I don't think I'll know until I go and find out. I'm gonna go for that second chance."
"Only if you really want to. I don't want to push you to come with me."
"You're not. I just realized that... I sacrificed something amazing… for a guy. And that's just not who I am. And it's not who I want to be. I mean, I'm not sure if Parsons is where I want to be. Or if UMass is where I want to be. I just need to open my options."
"That's amazing, Sam. I'm proud of you...for everything."
"Thanks, Carls. Really. And I'm sorry I haven't talked about this before. It's just...I know you're in a weird position with me and Freddie."
"Yeah, I know. But...you can always count on me. We've been friends forever, I want to help."
"Thanks. I just wish there was a solution."
"Maybe someday there will be."
"Yeah, maybe."
"So, we should probably head back. Freddie's probably freaking out that we missed iCarly."
"Yeah, you're right. I kinda want a Smoothie first, though. Want one?"
"Sure."
"I'll go get some and meet you back in the studio?"
"Sounds great." I say and get up, heading back to the apartment as Sam heads to the Groovy Smoothie.
Having Sam finally open up about her break up with Freddie was a huge step. I know it is a subject we've been avoiding for months now. I never should have done that. Sam really needed to talk about this and I wasn't being the friend I should have been. But no more. I'm ready to help my friends when they need me. And right now...they both do. I don't want to take sides or blame somebody for what's happened. Even though Sam already did that. I just hope things get better and resolved. I'm not sure that is going to happen, though. When I walked back into the apartment after my heart to heart with Sam, I found Freddie and my brother in a pretty intense conversation. I didn't know what was going on but I wanted to find out. But Freddie quickly made an excuse and ran upstairs. But I wanted to make sure he was okay.
"So, what is really going on Spencer?" I ask my brother, once Freddie is gone.
"Nothing. What do you mean?"
"Oh come on! You and Freddie seemed to be talking about something pretty important before I walked in."
"Not really."
"Spencer...is he okay? I mean, was he talking about Sam?" I ask and he doesn't answer, which makes me assume that's a yes. "Look, Sam's pretty messed up about this. I've been trying to pretend nothing's wrong but it is. I didn't want to get in the middle but...they need to confront this breakup."
"Is Sam alright?" Spencer asks and I shake my head.
"Is Freddie?"
"No. But you can't tell him I told you that. It's just...I feel like he hasn't had anyone to talk to about this. I just wanted him to know he could talk to me."
"I'm glad he can talk to you. It's just...this whole situation got really screwed up. I really wanted things to go back to the way they were before."
"That's not going to happen, Carly."
"I know. I see that now. Sam...she just opened up to me about this. She blames herself and I don't know if she's ever gonna be able to let that go."
"She's not. Neither of them will." He says, then pauses for a moment before he continues. "He really loves her."
"You think so?"
"I know so. You know he told her that?"
"Yeah Sam told me, the day they broke up."
"Yeah. I just can't believe he did that, even though he knew he was losing her."
"Wait, he did it after they broke up?"
"Yup. He said he didn't care and nothing is gonna change how he feels."
"Oh my god. I have to talk to him."
"Carly, I don't know if you should."
"No. I've been a terrible friend. I've pushed my friends away, while I watched them in pain. I made them both feel like they couldn't come to me. And I know Freddie feels like I'm taking Sam's side."
"Well, I mean of course he does. You're her best friend in the world and you have been for a really long time."
"But I want to be there for him too. He's a really important person in my life. And I have to talk to him about this. I just wish they would work this out."
"Everyone does."
"Hey, maybe..."
"No. No. No, Carly. Don't even think about meddling."
"Me? Meddling? I would never."
"Really?" Spencer says sarcastically.
"Okay, I would. But they need some help. They love each other, and…I just want them to be happy."
"But this is Sam and Freddie's problem. If it's meant to be...they'll find their way back to each other."
"Ugh, I guess you're right. But I'm still gonna go talk to Freddie." I say and head towards the stairs.
"Remember Carly, no pushing."
"Okay, fine." I say and run half way up the stairs, then turn back to Spencer. "Oh! And if Sam comes back, can you stall her while I'm up here?"
"Sure thing."
"Thanks." I say and continue up the stairs.
I headed up to the studio to finally talk to Freddie. I feel so bad for how I haven't been there for him. I want him to know he's still my friend and I'll be here if he wants to talk. I'm done ignoring this breakup and all the awkwardness that has come along with it. As I reach the studio, I have no idea what I'm gonna say to him or if he'll even want to talk to me. I look through the door and see Freddie sitting on the stairs and I know it's now or never.
"Hey, Freddie."
"Oh hey ,Carly. I was just gonna come back down."
"Oh okay. But actually, if it's okay...can we talk for a minute?"
"Uh, sure. What's up?"
"I wanted to apologize to you."
"For what?"
"For not being here for you. I know you've been going through hell lately. And I haven't been too willing to talk to you about it."
"It's okay. I get it, Carly."
"No you don't. I know you think I'm siding with Sam and I'm only there for her. But that's not true. The truth is I haven't been there for either of you. I wanted to pretend it that none of this ever happened. Because if it didn't happen, then everything was normal. That wasn't right. And I'm sorry."
"It's okay. I wish I could pretend things were normal too. Except I can't, that's not reality."
"I know. And it's not fair to think that you should. And I want you to know, you can talk to me about this. If you want to, I mean."
"Thanks."
"Well, do you?"
"What?"
"Do you want to talk about it? I promise I won't tell Sam anything."
"Thanks, that means a lot. But I'm really cool."
"No you're not. You keep trying to act strong. And you have been for months now. But...don't you think it's time to stop hiding?"
"I'm not. I just...you promise you won't tell Sam?"
"I swear."
"Okay, it's just...it's not exactly easy to be around her every day. It's not normal to hang out with your ex-girlfriend and pretend everything is fine."
"I know. I can't imagine what that must be like."
"And I wish we could be friends and act like we did before. But...too much has happened. And we can't take it back."
"But you don't want to, right?"
"Of course not. I don't regret a second Sam and I were together."
"Then what do you regret, Freddie?"
"Letting her talk me into breaking up. I didn't agree with her and I should have spoken up. I should have worked harder to fight for her. And I wish I could change almost everything that happened that night."
"Are you gonna tell her that?"
"What? Of course not."
"Why not?"
"Because it's over. We're moving on. We'll be going our separate ways soon. And I have to except that."
"But it's killing you to do that, right?" I say and he looks at me with pain in his eyes. "Sam told me about Massachusetts."
"She did?"
"Yeah. I was really surprised to hear you wanted her to go with you."
"Yeah, well...it doesn't matter anymore. She not gonna go to UMass now."
"Maybe not. But...do you want her to?"
"I don't know. I just want her to be happy."
"Freddie, I'm gonna tell you something I probably shouldn't. But...I think you deserve to know."
"Okay. What is it?"
"Sam and I have been planning to go to college together since we were like 10 years old. We'd go to New York. Me to NYU and her...to Parsons."
"The design school?"
"Yeah. She never told anyone, but that's her dream school. At least it used to be. But anyway, we applied early action. So we'd know early and plan out every detail. I was still banking on that."
"I had no idea."
"I know. And today...I found out she turned them down five months ago!"
"What?"
"Don't you see, Freddie. She was willing to walk away from her dream…for you."
"Oh my god. I can't believe it. Sam gave up her dream for me. And she never even told me."
"She knew if she did, you wouldn't have wanted her to go with you."
"Of course not."
"Exactly. Look, Sam has done a lot of selfish things in her life. But she's done even more selfless ones. Things you don't even know about. Some I know she regrets. But...this is one thing she doesn't."
"I can't believe it. So, what's she gonna do now? Go to UMass anyway?" He asks, looking hopeful.
"Freddie, you love her don't you?"
"More than anything in the world."
"What are you gonna do about it?"
"What do you mean?"
"I was told not to meddle, but I can't help it. I have watched the two of you avoid confrontation with each other for three months now. Because you know if you gave into it, you'd be right back to where you were. And that scares you...both of you. But, life's gonna move on whether you want it to or not. And once graduation come, you may never get a second chance. Can you live with that?"
"That's a little...forward. Don't you think?"
"No, it's not. You only have two choices. You know what that is? Well, I'm gonna tell you. You can either sit here and be miserable, regretting letting true love get away. Or...you could get up off your ass and do something about it!"
"Carly, I appreciate your concern. And I know you want things to be alright again. But…I don't know if Sam and I are in the cards."
"But you love her!"
"And I always will. But...sometimes love just isn't enough."
"Why are you both so stubborn? You want to know why? Because you're scared. Scared of actually being together...loving each other."
"Carly, I wish I could turn back time and change everything."
"Good, do it."
"But that's not real life! That happily ever after crap isn't real! I love Sam. She is the greatest person I've ever met. But...our relationship was complicated. And she ran first chance she got! She broke my heart! And I can't even tell her that! Because I have to see her face and hear her laugh and watch her smile every single day. Things are not like the movies, Carly! And I can't pretend they are. As much as I want to be with her...we don't always get what we want. And maybe...maybe I need to accept that."
"Freddie, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were feeling like this."
"I know. Because you've been avoiding me for three months. Like, one word would break me. Or maybe you were just being selfish. And now, it's too late."
"No it's not. What can I do to help?"
"Just let it go. Let us figure this out on our own. Whatever that may be. Maybe for once, you need to stay out of it."
"Yeah, I guess you're right. I will, I promise."
"Whatever. Look, I better get home. See you later, Carly."
"Wait, are we cool?"
"Yeah, absolutely." He says and walks out the door. I know he was lying to me. He is far from okay.
Today has been a really weird day and it just keeps getting more revealing as it goes on. Both Sam and Freddie have admitted their true feelings to me for the first time. I thought it would feel great to hear them finally open up. But it has made all this even worse. I'm afraid if I push them together….they'll resent it. But if I don't…they may never get a second chance. Senior year is definitely going to be interesting. I wish I knew what was going to happen. I guess I just have to believe that everything happens for a reason. And I just have to believe in fate and hope for the best.