Hack: I'm glad everyone's been enjoying the light-hearted yet random humor! I'm going to continue these ideas throughout my chapters!

But since my workload is a ton, I've hired quite a few muses for myself! Meet Mario, Link, Fox, Ness, Kirby, Mewtwo, and Captain Falcon!

Mario: It's-a me, Mario!

Fox: Why am I always an important character? (sighs)

Ness: And Why am I stuck with a lame kendama? (sighs)

Mewtwo: Don't ask me how I got into this… (sighs)

Kirby: Anyone have any food around here?

Everyone else: NO!

Kirby: aw… (sighs)

Mario: (sighs) what's up with the sighing?

Link: You just sighed.

Mario: oh.

Captain Falcon: Wait! You haven't heard my latest perverted and sick joke yet!

Everyone else: We don't want to hear it!

Captain Falcon: Damn… (sighs)

Mewtwo: Supposedly we are supposed to advertise Hack's other 'extremely awesome' fanfic, the Endowment of Exgiency… I thoroughly enjoy it, even though I die…

Kirby: Dying ain't so bad! By chapter sixty seven, I barely even appeared yet!

Hack: You guy talk way too much… I'm sure only Mewtwo'll do the job properly. Enjoy this chapter!

Chapter 2: Ness's Nut-Cracker

"We're at the temple now, and I don't see anything happening," said Link.

Zelda looked up. "Except for the fact that Toads are flying everywhere, dying." She was correct, as many weak Toads were sent flying everywhere, dying and screaming in pain.

"…That isn't so much of a crisis anyways since they're so annoying and defenseless," said Ness.

"Agreed."

The three ran up the stairs, dodging various flying toads and Toadsworths, finally reaching the very top.

Toadette (aka Phaidra) was standing in the entrance to the temple. A few Team Rocket grunts were carrying whips and such, glaring over Toadette. They wore black and dark violet suits, their shirts and hats having a red R on them. One more person, however, stood out as the commander of them…

"FALCO???? Who are YOU acting as???" Link cried out, mustering his laughter.

Falco muttered. "This suit really doesn't suit me... I don't like acting as the inferior of Fox, who's Yuan right now…"

Ness sighed as he flipped through the script he already memorized. "Well you won't believe what'll happen way later in the game to Botta, when you are sacrif…"

"Ness, we're already spoiling the story as it is, there's no need to spoil the future," said Hack from the skies. "Try again and you'll deal with me."

"Wait, what did you mean, Ness?" Falco asked.

"Never mind…"

"Commander? What shall we do?" one of the Team Rocket grunts asked.

"Um… damn it! I was supposed to ask Toadette where the 'chosen' is before you guys came up here! Oh well! Grunts, attack!"

Two of the grunts charged forward, carrying steel swords.

"What? Steel Swords? That's all you've got? I can murder you guys any day!" Link taunted.

"Link, you're using wooden blades too…" Zelda muttered in embarrassment.

"Oh. Right."

Ness held up his lame kendama, and cried, "PSI Freeze Beta!!!!!" Instead of a huge explosion of ice, however, a small icicle grew from the ground below one of the grunts and struck him in the crotch.

"YEOW!!!!!!" the grunt cried, holding his jewels.

"Damn it! I hate these lame spells!" Ness yelled.

"Hey, that spell's pretty useful against male enemies!" Link smiled as he knocked out the stunned grunt with an elbow bash on the head.

"Really?" A scroll of techniques appeared before Ness. It listed all of his novice spells: Fireball, Wind Blade, Stone Blast, Icicle, Aqua Edge, and Lightning.

"Hm… I'll try this…" said Ness. "Stone Blast!"

Several rocks flew up from the ground below the other grunt, repeatedly hitting him in the crotch. What should have dealt a total of a measly hundred damage now dealt over ten thousand damage. The grunt fell to the ground in tears.

"…Whoa… I love my spells now!" Ness happily cried. "I call Stone Blast my Nut-Cracker attack!"

Zelda cringed in disgust. "…Right. That's insane damage…"

"Well not so insane late in the game. At maximum level and strength, Presea can deal over two hundred thousand damage with her hi-ougi, only in the PS2 japanese version though," Hack explained. "WHY CAN'T WE GET ALL THE SEXY HI-OUGIS???????"

"Really? What's mine?" Link asked.

"Well in the US GC version, Lloyd, Colette, and Genis's Hi-Ougis are the only ones you can use. You guys have Falcon Crest, Holy Judgement, and Indignation Judement. Everyone has one, though, in the PS2 japanese version."

"WOOT!"

"…What am I doing here? Get back to work!!!" Hack disappeared soon afterwards.

Falco cleared his throat, interrupting the conversation. "Ahem… So I see you've defeated two of my henchmen… This guy'll be stronger!"

Another Team Rocket grunt appeared, carrying a large mace.

"This could pose a problem…" Link muttered. Zelda nodded in agreement.

"Nah, not really," said Ness. "NUT-CRACKER!!!"

"OWWWWWWIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"

THUD!

The grunt fell to the ground, holding his testicles in pain. The three heroes snickered.

Suddenly, Marth came running in.

"Here I am! Sexy me is here to save the day!" Marth cried as the Fire Emblem fanfare played in the background. Link, Zelda, Ness, and Falco had the anime-style sweat-drops.

"Wait… what's going on? Aren't you guys supposed to be having trouble? I'm supposed to save you guys!" Marth cried.

"Sorry Marth, but Ness has the Nut-Cracker," Link joked.

"Another joke like that, and I'm going to explode…" Zelda muttered. "Too many testicle-related jokes…"

"Ness, he's the power guy here? I certainly didn't expect that from a little midget meant to be a mage…" said Marth.

NUT-CRACKER!!!

THUD!

"So much for sexy-swordsman…" Link, Zelda, and Ness walked over a twitching Marth to confront Falco.

"Um… Er…" Falco muttered. "Peh! I didn't know that you would have shown up, Marth! We'll retreat for now!" Falco and the grunts instantly disappeared, leaving a horrified Toadette and an unconscious Marth.

"Chosen One!" Toadette cried. "I'm so glad you're safe! Are you here for the oracle to being your journey?"

"Hey, it's that oracle thingy that Peach was talking about," said Link. "Say no!"

"Um… no, Link. Yes, Toadette, I'm here for the oracle."

"Excellent!" Toadette exclaimed.

Marth stood up, leaning on his sword with his right hand and holding his crotch in the other. "So… Zelda, I'll be… your guard…"

"Who are you?" asked Toadette.

Marth let out a long sigh, just about recovered from the nut-cracker. "I am a mercenary! Pay me and I'll do the job of protecting Zelda!" Fire Emblem Fanfare. "Here's my papers and how much money I want for how long I'll be protecting her…"

Marth handed Toadette a sheet of paper, then Toadette's eyes popped out of their sockets.

"THIS MUCH MONEY????"

"Hey… I don't think Kratos cared too much about money in the real game…" muttered Ness.

"Hm… Hey, Marth! Half your fees or else Ness'll do a nut-cracker on you!" Link cried out.

"You think I'll fall for that? Yeah right!"

NUT-CRACKER!!!

"Ha! Missed me!" Marth jumped backwards, right where Zelda was. She kicked Marth in the butt, making him fall to the ground, then she lifted her right high-heeled foot.

STOMP!!!

CRACK!!!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…"

"Zelda, you kinda overdid it…" Link muttered.

"Well Marth's being a greedy bastard…" Zelda replied.

"Okay… I'll… lower… fees…" Marth cried through tears of pain.

"Yay!" Toadette cried as she handed Marth a bag of coins known as coins.

"So Toadette, I'm going to go undergo the trials now!" Zelda said as she beckoned Link and Ness forward.

"Wait… You two will just… get in the way…" said Marth.

"What? We're more capable than you!" Link replied angrily.

"At least we didn't get stomped in the balls like you!" Ness retorted.

"Bah… Well I'm hired… I'll go with you guys…"

TA DAH!!! Marth has joined the party!

Everyone just stood there. "…"

"…Right… Let's just go…" said Ness.

Scene: The Temple of Mew – Main Chamber

"Wow! It looks so cool! It's all so dark and stuff!" cried Link.

"You don't know how to wield a sword, do you?" said Marth.

"Hey, who scored over ten places higher than you in the super smash tournaments?" asked Link.

"Nobody. I was always in the sixth to eighth range. Nobody can be over ten places higher than me. And I think I, the sexy one, scored over ten places higher than you. Get your facts straight!" Marth bonked Link on the head.

"…oh yeah, right…"

"Here, this should help you become a better fighter…" Marth gave Link a weird training manual.

"Dude, I know how to fight," said Link.

"Dude, I'm just following the script unlike you guys," said Marth.

"Dude, you didn't follow the script by demanding over ten times what Kratos wanted for hire," said Ness.

"Dude, all of you just shut up," said Zelda. "DIN'S FIRE!!!"

Nothing…

"Gah… I hate this… I have no magic..." said Zelda.

"Hey, I don't get any of my cool spells either…" Ness replied.

"At least you get the nut-cracker…"

"True…"

"But you've got that lame kendama…"

"…Shut up!"

Scene: Huge Room with gaps in bridges and a glowing light

"Oooo! I wonder what this glowing light is!" said Link. He walked into it to trigger a fight with a huge golem!

"NUT CRACKER!!!!" Ness cried. Stones flew up from the ground to do null damage to the golem.

"Ness, first you're using a ground attack against a ground enemy, making it ineffective..." explained Marth. "Second, the golem doesn't have any balls."

"Oh, right… Got carried away…"

Zelda looked at her list of techniques. "Ray Thrust? Pow Hammer? What moves do you define these as, Hack?"

Hack appeared beside her. "Well everyone's techniques suck at first, especially Colette. You're pretty much a long range mixed character."

"…Mixed?"

"You use both physical and magical attacks. Your magic attacks are pretty much kickass through the first half of the game…"

Zelda smiled.

"But they start to suck a lot afterwards."

Zelda frowned.

Link was hacking away at the golem again using his simple attacks. "This guy's so easy!"

BAM!

The golem swung its arm around in a wide circle, sending Link flying.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"I love my character," said Marth. "I know Ness's magic and Link's attacks! Lightning!"

KA-BAM! The golem was struck by a bolt of lightning, stunning it momentarily. Link rushed in, swung his sword three times, then cried, "Demon Fang!" He swung his sword once, shooting a sharp slice of wind at the Golem.

"…So much for lame combos…" muttered Link. "I better get cooler moves later."

After another minute, the golem was taken down, and it turned into a stone… block.

"That was stupid…" Link muttered again.

"You're the one who stepped into that light without thinking, smart one!" said Ness.

"Shush…"

"Anyone notice that it turned into a block?" Zelda called out.

Marth scanned the room. There was a bridge that lead to some sort of shrine, but there was a large hole in it. "I think that we should push it there…"

Link grabbed the side of the blocked and took a few seconds to push it into the hole. It only filled half of a gap.

"What a lame puzzle… My puzzles were a lot more interesting!" cried Link. "And they were also solvable!"

Another golem fell on top of Link.

"…Ow…" he muttered.

"Hm… Do you think it'll change into another block?" asked Ness.

"Let's try then!"

"Fireball!"

BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!

Three fireballs from Marth and Ness each were fired at the golem, causing it to shrink into a block still flattening Link.

"Um… a little help here?" Link asked.

"My goodness…" Zelda sighed as she shoved the block off of him and into the gap again.

"Look! Another golem!" Marth cried. "I, the sexy swordsman, shall take care of it!"

BAM!

The third golem turned into a block and a fourth one fell on top of it.

BAM!

The fourth golem turned into a block and a fifth one fell on top of it.

"…Marth, that's enough, you have far too much ego. I think we can reach that weird shrine," said Link.

Marth had already killed ten golems. "Hey! This is a time to show off my skills! I'm already level eleven!"

"…What kind of RPG bull-shizzle is that?"

Suddenly, over a hundred golems fell on the platform.

"YOU!!!!!" The largest one yelled. "YOU THE ONE WHO EXTINCTING US!!! YOU DIE!!!"

"Is he talking to you, Link? Because I'm certainly not that stupid," said Marth.

Ness groaned. "He's talking to you!!!"

"DIE!!!!!!" The golem cried. They began to run towards the group of four, about to stampede them.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!" Link cried.

"It doesn't take a genius to find that out…" Zelda muttered as she pocketed the sorcerer's ring that everyone else forgot about. "Let's get out of here!"

Scene: Main Chamber

After ten minutes of trying to outrun the stampede (and the golems were somehow that fast), the four were finally back in the main shrine.

"Marth, don't ever go on a killing spree ever again…" Ness panted. "My body can't take much stamina…

"Easy for you to say…" Zelda replied, panting harder.

"What's that ring?" Link asked, pointing the red ring out.

"This is the sorcerer's ring that we're supposed to use all the time," Zelda explained. "We went down to find it, and this thing can destroy that barrier that leads to my oracle, the end of my trial."

"Okay, so what does it do?" asked Ness. "It probably shoots something, so…"

Zelda pointed the ring at Marth and fired it. A small fireball set Marth on fire.

"AHHHHH!!!! I TAKE TOO MUCH PUNISHMENT IN THIS CHAPTER!!!!!" Marth yelled in pain.

"Too much punishment?" Ness evilly smiled.

NUT CRACKER!!!