On the Superlicious Fantasticness of New Students

Chapter Three: Maria's Purpose

Takes Place: Sorcerer's Stone, the morning after Samantha Ubeaty

Summary: OH, heck no. Maria did NOT just see another Mary Sue enter Hogwarts.

Taking place during Harry's first year at Hogwarts, Maria fights the oncoming onslaught of Mary Sues from distorting the plot, taming Malfoy, claiming any character as their love puppet, and any of the other awful things they do.

Disclaimer: I own nothing of Harry Potter besides the original characters that are Mary Sues. Or maybe aren't. Oh, what now?!

It took no more than one day for the boys to notice.

"The blonde goddess is gone!"

"Why did she leave? Where could she be?"

"Have you happened to have seen her? I miss just looking at her."

"I wouldn't have gone after her, not once in a blue moon. Her personality was lacking, she acted like a loon! I don't think anyone could have taken long to notice, she was naught but a gold-digger, a fame-stealer, a freak! Eyes only for Harry, you've noticed, I'm sure."

So long as no one mentioned it to him, life would be great. But life apparently hated Maria, and off she went when her necklace hummed. She ran into Myrtle's bathroom and then stood there, not yet ready to transfer to her master's quarters. Her master wouldn't like it a bit, but for now she just had to get her story straight! He said not to let any Sues bother with them, so she did as she was told. Maybe she shouldn't have been quite so bold. I mean, killing the poor thing—but it wasn't really killing, was it? That thing didn't exist in the first place, and for that matter neither did—

Maria looked up and just realized the bathroom around her had dissolved into a darkened room. The height of the person before her, accompanied with a glint of silver hair, made her realize who she was facing. She knelt on the ground and waited for him to speak.

"So, you took care of Samantha, did you?" The man spoke with an old, pleasant tone.

"So you heard…" Maria muttered.

"It wasn't hard! Nearly every pubescent teenage boy in Hogwarts is talking about it. I think you've done more harm than good."

"I was only doing what you said! I mean, she threw the book into the water—"

"Yes, and Malfoy was on the other side of the lake. Or, he was supposed to be, anyways. Who knows where he got off to?" There was buoyancy in the man's voice that made Maria realize he'd stopped Malfoy on the way.

"Crap!"

"Precisely. Anyways, I've new rules for you. You, yourself, must continue to remain undiscovered by the three best friends. Well, Hermione hasn't really gotten with them yet, has she? She will eventually, but keep on your toes. However, you must allow Mary Sues to have contact. I doubt it would kill the deals of fate if a Mary Sue managed to talk to the poor boy. Besides, he's never been one to fall for sheer looks alone."

"Never been one? Haven't you—"

"More importantly, he won't be interested in girls for a few more years."

"How did you know that? And that Hermione would eventually—"

"Well, you knew about Hermione."

"Of course I did, but everybody knows it!"

"No, they don't. Do not forget that this is the past." The voice chuckled slightly. "You're somewhat of an idiot."

"Thanks, you're somewhat of a Plot Sue!"

"As are you."

"But that's reasonably explained!"

"As am I!"

"What?! You make no sense, old man!" Maria sat down now, instead of kneeling.

"Do not forget," The man began, his voice suddenly serious, "That your job shall only last until the fifth year. Only five Sues pose an actual threat, and as time wears on you will have a harder time deciphering who is who, and which Sue can actually harm the story."

"I know, I know."

"But, remember that once your duty has been served, you will cease to exist, as your job in this universe will be finished."

"Just a question, how come you won't cease to exist, or Harry, for that matter?"

"Oh, but I will cease to exist." The voice had lost its serious edge, and there was a smile within it.

"What?"

"Yes, a year later. And Harry fortunately exists in this world."

"…How do you prove that you exist…?" Maria asked uncertainly.

"You can't." The old man said.

"Then how can anyone prove they exist?" Maria wondered aloud.

"No, don't misinterpret my answer. You can't. Harry, on the other hand, can."

"…"

"Yes, I'm quite sure you've realized it yourself, by now. You must not admit this fact out loud, for when you do, you shall disappear, and the story could go to ruin if the Sues aren't stopped."

"You could stop them on your own, you know." Maria pointed out grudgingly.

"Yes, but that would be much less fun," The old man replied.

"Asshole."

"Now, now, Maria. You may go." As Maria stood to leave, the voice said, "You can only prove your existence by your memories of the past. Can you remember being born…?"

But Maria had already pressed her wand to her necklace and vanished.

'Yes,' Maria thought, 'I don't exist. I can't forget that. My purpose might be to rid the Sues of Hogwarts, but for that to truly happen, I can't ever forget that I don't exist. As much as the Sues don't belong here, neither do I. Because… I'm a Mary Sue myself.'

Yeah, that probably wasn't amazingly shocking to anyone. She's a bit tame for a Sue, but, yes. She is one! Well, the next chapter will happen in Second year, Chamber of Secrets. Just a heads up!

OH, and, the comedic atmosphere will return in the next chapter. Well, scratch out comedic and insert crazy. xD

Reviewer Question: What is your favorite ship and why? Even if it's a crack pairing!

EraTomo