Bam, bam, bam "Ohh fuck yeah, right there! That feels so good...fuck!" Yuck, why did my room have to share a wall with my dad's. I knew that he was having plenty of sex but god damn I didn't have to listen to it! "shut the fuck up!" I yelled at the adjoining wall. I pulled out my headphones and turned my music up as loud as it could go my ear drums protested but it was better than listening animals going at it next door. I spent most of the weekend locked in my room I smoked and snuck into my dad's hard liquor. I couldn't feel anything, no pain, no hope, no quilt, nothing. I wanted to feel something, anything.
Finally, Monday morning came and I decided to walk to school to get some fresh air it was only a mile or two. When I walked into the school everyone was staring at me. It was like they already knew everything. Duh, of course they knew I made a huge fucking scene in front of everyone at the party Friday night. I was so lost in my own thoughts that I almost missed the spray paint on my locker, it read 'whore, go kill yourself!' in big red letters the way the paint dripped it reminded me of blood flowing. I took a deep breath in order to force the tears back down. I could do this, this is nothing. I spoke too soon because as soon as I opened my locker I was hit with a putrid red liquid. It practically sprayed out of my locker covering my face and hair it started dripping onto my shoulders and running down my shirt. I could hear the laughs beginning all around me. I couldn't force the tears back any longer I grabbed what I could from my locker and ran out of the school. I ran for the woods; the tree line was right behind the school. I ran until my legs collapsed and I landed on my hands and knees. The smell was getting to me my stomach turned and I emptied my breakfast out onto the forest floor. I tore my shirt off trying to get away from the smell. I whipped my face and hair as best as I could and curled up into a ball and cried.
I wasn't there very long until I heard footsteps "Kim?". I couldn't find it in me to move let alone talk! I felt a too warm hand on my bare back. I opened my eyes to see Jared staring at me "Kim, are you okay?". I shook my head no, of course I wasn't okay couldn't he smell me! He stayed with me rubbing my back, after about an hour I found enough strength in me to speak. "Jared" I looked up at him "what are you doing here?". "I saw you running out of the school and towards the woods and I wanted to make sure you were okay" I nodded that was so kind of him but I wasn't really in the mood for company. He sniffed the air "Kim, don't take this the wrong way but you kind of stink" I laughed I was well aware of how I smelt I couldn't get away from the smell. My stomach started turning just at the thought but I quickly swallowed the bile that was rising in my throat. "I know, sorry you should leave" He shook his head at me "No, I think there's stream nearby, do you want to go rinse off some of the smell?" how the hell did he know there was a stream nearby we were in the middle of the fucking woods? But the idea of getting away from this smell was too appealing so I didn't argue "yes, please". He got up and extended his hand towards me, I grabbed it and he carefully pulled me up to my feet. I followed him south I think it wasn't long before I heard the water running. We broke through a small tree line and there was a little stream. I quickly realized I was standing in the middle of the forest with no shirt on with some guy I barely knew. But I didn't feel exposed or uncomfortable in his presence, I felt safe, I think? I looked over at Jared and he started to pull at the bottom of his shirt. My eyes grew wide, hubba hubba could a man have any more abs? My eyes strayed downwards and I noticed the perfect v that led to his...he chuckled opps was I staring I think I felt drool on my chin too. Embarrassed I snapped my eyes up to his face and nonchalantly whipped my chin to clean up the drool on my face. "Here rinse off, and put this on I'll wait behind the tree line to give you some privacy" he threw his shirt at me and I caught it careful not to get any red goo on it. "thank you" he smiled at me and turned away towards the tree line.
I quickly undressed and sat on a rock that was partially submerged in the stream. I rinsed my arms and shoulders, and carefully I leaned back and rinsed my hair in the stream. I felt so much better the smell was practically gone from my body. I ringed my hair out so it wasn't dripping down my back. I grabbed Jared's shirt and pulled it over my head it was HUGE, it almost passed my knees. I couldn't smell anything but Jared it was amazing, pine, salt, and fresh air...yum. "Kim, are you dressed?" "Yeah, I'm decent" he walked through the tree line and his eyes popped out of his head when he took in my presence. I smirked a little, I don't think anyone has looked at me with such adoration before and it made me smile. He walked up to me and grabbed my hand "are you feeling better?" I nodded my head I felt so much better. I looked down at our hands that were intertwined and back up at him with a quizzical look on my face. He smiled and I noticed red filling his russet colored cheeks. He shrugged his shoulders "what, I like to hold my friends' hands" he laughed. "Sure, you do" I smiled at his response. He turned to me "come on I want to show you something" he pulled my hand gently and we followed the little stream. It didn't take long before I could hear the waves, we must be close to the ocean. We broke through a grove of evergreens and onto the rocky cliffs the ocean spread wide before us. "Wow, Jared this is beautiful" I was staring at the waves beating against the cliff just below our feet. He shrugged "yea, it's okay I guess" I looked over at him confused how could he say that? I've never seen anything so amazing he was staring at me with a smile on his face "I've seen better". I blushed at his response I couldn't be sure but he seemed to be complimenting me.
"Jared I just want to say thank you for everything that you have done for me these last few days. You're like my own personal Prince Charming swooping in whenever I need saving."
"No problem Cinderella" he laughed at his own response it was cute. I pulled my knees up to my chest he watched my actions very closely. "What happened to your knees?" he gently grabbed my closest knee to inspect my bruises that had been forming since Friday afternoon.
"Oh, it's nothing don't worry about it" I quickly pulled his extra-large t-shirt over my knees so he couldn't stare at them any longer. His lips pressed together to form a straight line and his hands curled into fists.
"Was it him, did Jax do that to you?" I didn't answer his question I just stared at the incoming waves. He must have taken my silence as a conformation to his question. I peeked over at him and he was taking deep breaths trying to calm himself down. I grabbed his fist closet to me and smiled at him, he instantly calmed down.
"So, are you and Jax broken up now?"
"Yea I think so, I think the red goo that flew out of my locker kind of sealed the deal."
"Are you sure it was him?"
I nodded "yea, it's only fair, I did humiliate him in front of everyone Friday night."
"No, that is not fair Kim, you don't deserve to be treated like that."
"How do you know? You don't know what I did to him."
"Enlighten me!" I barely knew this guy but I found it so easy to talk to him, I practically spilled my guts to him. But this was private, embarrassing even how could I explain this to him without sounding like a prude.
"It's nothing, I just couldn't give him what he needed."
"So, in other words you wouldn't have sex with him?" Fuck I guess I didn't explain it very well.
"Yea my boyfriend of six months and I couldn't even fuck him. How pathetic is that?" I laughed nervously trying to keep the conversation light. Jared however was not laughing.
"Kim, you don't have to have sex with anyone you don't want to. There is absolutely nothing pathetic about that.
"I...I just should have been able too I...I should have been able to show him how much I loved him, he was willing to show me how much he cared."
"Maybe deep down you knew you didn't love him?" I thought about his words...maybe I didn't love Jax maybe my heart knew it but my mind kept refusing the idea because I just needed someone to notice me.
"Maybe" tears spilled from the corners of my eyes, I quickly brushed them away.
"You can talk to me, you know, I'll listen."
"No, it's fine you don't need to hear about my problems."
"Kim, I care I want to help you through this" I looked into his eyes they were a beautiful dark brown but the closer I looked into them I noticed little gold flakes that made them sparkle. My heart began to race, my palms were sweating, I couldn't breathe, GOD KIM BREATH! I sucked in the air around me filling my lungs and sighed at my body why was it acting this way?
"I think your right, I never loved him, hell I don't even know what love is, my mom skipped town with the first guy she could find. My dad barley notices I live with him except for the fact that he has clean clothes, and food to eat in the refrigerator." I began to cry "I...I just want to be noticed, I want to feel loved, I want to feel something, anything!" I was hyperventilating by the end of my confession I dropped my head into my hands and tried to slow my breaths. Unexpectantly Jared grabbed me and pulled me into his chest. I cried into his chest my tears rolling down his bare skin. I listened for his heart when I found it, I tried to slow my breaths to the rhythm.
He began to stroke my hair "shhh...it's going to be okay Kim, everything is going to be okay shh..." once my breath was following his rhythm, I pressed my psalms to my eyes and whipped the tears away.
"Ugh I'm such a mess I'm sorry you had to hear all that"
"I'm here for you Kim, I'm not going anywhere I don't care how messed up you think you are I'm going to be here to clean up all the pieces" I looked up to his face, his eyes were sparkling. He licked his lips and slowly started moving them towards me!? Shit, was I ready to kiss him? If I was going to be with Jared Cameron it was not going to be a rebound, ohh hell no! But would he understand if I refused him even if it was only for a small amount of time? Maybe if I explained it right, he would understand he's been pretty understanding thus far.
"Jared, wait" he stopped instantly and pulled away.
Horror crossed his face "I'm so sorry Kim I don't know what came over me."
"NO, no Jared it's not that I do want to believe me I do!" he smiled at that "I just don't want this to be a rebound. Would you be willing to give me a little bit of time?" "I promise I only need a few weeks; a month tops." my heart started beating faster my words were spilling out much too quickly. This all felt too familiar of course he wouldn't want to wait for me he was going to get up and walk away. God, I don't think I have it in me to lose Jared too. "If you can't I understand I just...I just" he put his hand over my mouth to keep me from saying anymore and smiled at me .
"Kim I would wait for an eternity for you" what...
"Huh, really...why?"
"Because, babe your worth waiting for." stunned I quickly replied
"You won't need to wait long I promise."
"Take your time as long as we can hang out as friends, I mean until you're ready for something more?"
"Of course, I would really like that!" I winced I was turning into that pathetic little girl again.