John Paul McQueen had been hitting the punching bag for the last hour. He had a rage inside him that seemed to refuse to go away no matter how hard his punches were. The fact that he couldn't exactly point his finger on why he was so angry upset him even more. Craig Dean making emotional u-turns wasn't something John Paul was unfamiliar with. Stolen kisses in an alleyway weren't a new thing either. And he had gotten used to having the brown eyed boy occupying every corner of his mind all of the time, a long time ago. So he didn't understand why he had hot coal smouldering in his stomach now. He had been through this before.

John Paul threw himself at the bag and embraced it. Maybe he was so angry because he suddenly found himself back in the same Craig-circle. Or maybe he was angry because he actually had managed to convince himself he had ever left it. He didn't know. What was frustrating was that this situation, the conversation he'd had with Craig that day, was so similar to earlier situations and conversations and yet so different. Craig hadn't denied his love, he hadn't even denied his sexuality and when they kissed – John Paul got hot just thinking about it – the passion had been genuine and stronger than ever. And still Craig said that he couldn't. John Paul shook his head. No, he really couldn't get his head around it. As far as he knew, his mate didn't have a new girlfriend, so that wasn't it. And his family – well, JP knew that they weren't as supportive as Myra and the rest of the McQueens, but it couldn't get much worse from the last time Craig was halfway out the closet. And John Paul had sworn he wouldn't give up on the guy that very same day, but now he didn't know if he had the energy and strength, no matter how much he loved the guy.

"Oh, Craig!" he whispered to the punching bag.

He allowed himself to cry for five minutes and then hit the shower. After all, he was a big boy now.

Lying in my bed

I hear the clock tick and think of you

Caught up in circles

Confusion is nothing new

Flashbacks to warm nights

Almost left behind

Suitcase of memories

Time after time

Craig Dean seriously considered walking back downstairs when he saw Darren in the kitchen. What was it with this guy? He was everywhere and always at the lousiest times. If it was one thing he wasn't in the mood for now, it was a Darren-lecture. He was about to back silently when the older man spotted him. Fuck.

"So, Craigy. I had an interesting conversation with your older brother today. Met him and the emo in the park. He was just over thrilled to have his heterosexual baby brother back! And that made me wonder: do you guys have a brother I don't know about?"

"Get off my case, Darren."

Darren faked being offended. "No need to be so touchy!"

Craig was on the edge of losing it. "Can't you just keep your big, fat, ugly nose to yourself Darren?! Huh? You ever thought about that? That maybe people don't want you to interfere and make jokes about their private business? You know, I just can't believe you!"

Darren looked puzzled at Craig's sudden outburst. "Hey, Craig, I was just-"

"Just. Get. Off." Craig clenched his teeth and gave his stepbrother a murdering look.

He went into his room while slamming the door. As always, his outbursts didn't make him feel any better, just left some sort of rip inside him. But Darren had asked for it. My God, Craig was so tired of him!

He turned on his CD-player and practically collapsed on the bed. He hated his life. He didn't look forward to return to Dublin, and he didn't want to be here. Being in the same town as John Paul and yet so far away from him made Craig feel choked. He thought about their kiss and felt warmth spread through his body. Kissing John Paul was… He struggled to find the correct word.

Home, he thought. Kissing John Paul was home.

Craig pictured the other boy. Those blue, blue eyes and strong arms, his chest, his stomach, his legs and what was between them… He blushed. One time, back at the McQueen household, John Paul had spread-eagled him across the bed and climbed on top of him and… Craig was about to ease his hand beneath his own trousers, feeling the need to touch himself because of JP's absence, when Darren barged into the room.

Oh, for fuck's sake! Craig felt his temper rising and opened his mouth to tell Darren just where to go, when the older man held his hands up, regarding.

"Woha, there! Don't explode in my face, all right? Just hear me out."

The anger disappeared and was replaced with tiredness. "Darren…"

"I know that I can be a total ass sometimes," his stepbrother said, and Craig looked up surprised.

"The shrinks call it a defense mechanism and your mother calls it rudeness, and I don't give a damn, ok? Just hear me out."

The road is long

With many a winding turn

That leads us to who knows where

Who knows where

But I'm strong

Strong enough to carry him

He ain't heavy, he's my brother

"So, he's back?" Sarah said. She had phoned him from London as she usually did during the week and after a few minutes of this and that, John Paul had broken the news.

"Yupp."

"And do you know what he wants? I mean, he wasn't even home during the holidays, so it's got to be some reason, or what?"

John Paul bit his lower lip. "He said something about needing the peace and quiet."

"Oh, come on JP!" He could almost hear her rolling eyes through the phone. "You know he has a reason, you're not that stupid! Ergo, you're not telling me something and we agreed –"

"No more secrets about Craig Dean," John Paul finished for her.

"That's right. So come on, tell me what you think."

He hesitated. "You sure you wanna hear about this, Sarah?"

"I must have told you a dozen times now that I'm not in love with him anymore. I may be bitter and angry for what he did, but I'm not in love."

We both did it to you, John Paul thought, but he didn't say it out loud. They had been through it so many times and after all he was just happy that Sarah Barnes actually had managed to forgive him. It had taken a lot of arguing and a lot of tears, but they had done it – they had rebuilt their friendship. On one condition of course, which was that John Paul told her everything that had happened between him and Craig behind her back. She wanted to know every detail and John Paul told her, a little resisting in the start but more willingly after a while. As Sarah's broken heart was mended and after they'd gotten over the weirdness of the whole situation, they actually managed to share a laugh over common experiences with the young Dean. Like how he sounded when he had an orgasm.

"My God, I thought that everyone in Chester could hear us! And what is it about the murmuring in the end?" Sarah had said one time and as John Paul nodded agreeing, Nancy and Hannah had left – they just found it a little too weird and he couldn't blame them. He was really amazed that he had gotten his friends in Hollyoaks back, especially Nancy who had a harder time forgiving him than Sarah. But he also felt a little guilty, because they'd made it pretty clear that Craig would not be so lucky and after all, John Paul too was to blame for all the hurt their relationship had caused.

"John Paul? You there?" Sarah asked confused.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry," he mumbled.

"So?"

"Um…" He stuttered, but decided to just say the truth. After all, that was a part of their so called friendship-deal. "I think he still has feelings for me, Sarah."

That was an understatement. John Paul was sure that Craig still loved him.

"Okay. And what do you think?"

He sighed. "You know I had a harder time getting over him, than you did."

She laughed. "You never did get over him, or what?"

"No," he admitted. "I thought I had. But then he came around and…"

"You know, I really wish you two could just pack it in and get together for real," she said. "Not that I think he deserves to be with anyone at all, but I think you do and if you really want that two-timing twit after what he did to both of us, than it's up to you, JP. But either do it or get a closure, for Christ's sake."

John Paul smiled. Sarah had turned far more cynical during the last six months, but he thought it suited her. "You know, Sarah, if we get together you will have to try to forgive him. He had difficulties choosing between the two of us and I don't wanna choose between the two of you at all."

She got silent for a moment. Then he heard her mumble "Maybe I'll try," and their conversation was over.

I'm going to yell it from the rooftops

I'll wear a sign on my chest

That's the least I can do

"What the hell is going on, Craig?" Darren asked. "I thought you loved the bloke. Do you have syrup up your behind? You looked pretty close when I walked in on you the other day."

"Syrup up my behind? What the hell is that supposed to mean, Darren?" Craig felt provoked.

"Okay, wrong metaphor to use, I get that," Darren said, rolling his eyes. "I've seen him with a couple of other blokes, all right. You better make a run for it."

Craig felt confused. "Why do you even care?"

"You're so God damn boring when you're miserable, man! And you better listen carefully, because I'm never saying this again."

"What?"

"You're my brother, Craig. It would be nice to see you happy sometimes."

Craig had to wonder: how was it that Darren could be the world's meanest and stupidest guy in one minute and then get all sentimental and caring the next?

"Good to know that one of my brothers are supportive, then, "he mumbled.

"To hell with Jake, man! You were the only one who didn't judge him when he got together with the emo and they are not more normal together than you and McQueer, are they?

Craig couldn't help himself. He laughed. Darren was Darren, no matter the degree of sentimentality.

"What is the big deal with Jake, anyway?" his stepbrother continued. "I mean – Steph loves the idea of having a gay brother, dad loves you more than he loves me, your mother will come around and to me you're the same damn looser anyway!"

It seemed like now, when Craig first had started, he couldn't stop laughing. Darren put a brotherly arm around him and they laughed together for a while. And Craig thought the room seemed brighter all of a sudden.

I guess you don't need it

I guess you don't want me to repeat it

But everything I have to give

I give to you

It's not like we planned it

You tried to stay

But you could not stand it

To see me shut down slow as though it was an easy thing to do

John Paul was in despair. Why hadn't Craig returned any of his calls? Why had he come back to the village? And what the hell did he mean when he said he couldn't? Couldn't what, exactly? Was he playing some sick sort of game?

John Paul's sadness was quickly replaced by anger. Craig Dean wasn't the only one who could make emotional u-turns. Be strong for you? Fight your battles? My ass, John Paul thought. A little devil had invaded his heart. Oh, he was going to give that boy a lesson, and if his suspicions were correct it could happen the same night.

His suspicions were correct – David had absolutely no problems going out for a drink on this short notice. He just needed half an hour to decide what to wear. "Then I'll be ready for you taking me out, Mister!" David said with a giggle. John Paul rolled his eyes before saying his goodbyes and hung up.

He did not need half an hour to decide his clothing. He went with a blue shirt Craig once had given him. "It matches your eyes," he had said before handing it to him. And as John Paul watched himself in the mirror he realized that he looked damn good in it.

"Woha, someone's all dressed up!" Kris said when he entered the kitchen. "What's the occasion?"

John Paul smiled. "Don't need an occasion to look gorgeous, isn't that right?"

"Please! Someone's trying to eat here!" Zack said with his mouth full of fries. "Take your fashion-talk another place, aye?"

"See, John Paul has obviously gotten a point I've been trying to learn to you for over a year!" Kris said to his mate. "You always look like a slob!"

Zach just shook his head and kept eating.

"Anyway, I got to go. See you later, guys," John Paul said.

"Hot date tonight?" Kris asked, but John Paul ran out before he had to answer.

He met David outside his place and they headed off towards the Dog. John Paul kept his hands hidden in his pockets and ignored David's hints of wanting to hold hands. The last thing he wanted was for Katie to see him hand in hand with that guy. She didn't hang out at the Dog much, so John Paul figured it was safe to bring him there. That was of course not his only reason. Someone else he knew would probably be there, and he wanted that someone else to realize he wasn't the only bloke in John Paul's life. He wanted that someone else to accept the fact that John Paul had plenty of opportunities! And if his plan worked, that someone else would get pretty jealous.

They arrived at the pub and luckily it was only half full, John Paul noticed. Frankie stood behind the counter and gave him her usual chilly smile as he ordered two bottles of beer and guided David, who was waiting by the entrance, to one of the tables by the window. From his seat, John Paul could see it if Craig either came down from the flat above or entered through the main entrance.

"Beer?" David said disapproving with that squeaky little voice of his. "Don't they serve cocktails here?"

John Paul glanced around the pub to see if anyone he knew had heard what his so-called date had said. Cocktail?Seriously?

"So Mister, do you want to head back to mine, afterwards?" David said.

"Maybe. Don't know," he answered distractedly.

David didn't care and grabbed his hand. "I promise, it'll be worth your while," he said with a voice John Paul assumed was supposed to be seductive. He allowed the blonde boy to hold his hand.

All the better, he thought. But where the hell is Craig?

As some higher power had heard his question, the door up to the flat opened and Darren and Craig came into the pub.

"So, Mister –" David said, but were cut of short as John Paul pulled him close for a sucking French kiss, across the table.

I cheated myself

Like I knew I would

I told you I was troubled

You know that I'm no good

Craig had spent half an hour in front of the mirror in the bathroom. Now he was putting some gel in his hair, feeling the need to look perfect.

"The fact that you're gay doesn't mean you have to use forever in the bathroom mate," Darren said while watching him from the door.

Craig turned to him. "Look Darren," he said. "Thanks for everything, but can you just wait until tomorrow before you come with more jokes about this?"

"I think you're pushing it a little too far, little brother, but okay. Just don't tell anyone."

Craig took another look in the mirror and felt happy with what he saw. He wore a red shirt John Paul once had given him. "It matches your temper," he had laughed while looking at Craig with love in his eyes. Craig smiled at the memory and realized that the healthy and happy look was back on his face. All because of Darren, of all people. He would have to deal with Jake later. Right now, all he cared about was getting back in the arms of a certain blue eyed boy. He got nervous just by the thought, for some reason. The last time he'd had just that feeling was on the 16th of May when he had ran out of an exam and gone to the McQueen's. That was the first time he had slept with John Paul. And if he got lucky tonight, this would be the first in a very long time. Craig felt himself shiver.

"Ready, then?" Darren said. "I'll walk you down."

As they walked down the stairs Craig tried to figure out some clever lines, tried to come up with some sort of speech that would sweep his love of his feet.

John Paul, I'm sorry. I love you. I want you. And I'm not afraid to show it to the world, if that's what you want me to do. Stay with me. Come to Dublin with me. Love me. I am g –.

Before he knew it, he was standing in the bar watching John Paul, the love of his life, kissing another boy, and once again Craig found the happiness and joy sucked out of him within seconds.

Don't talk of love

But I've heard the words before;

It's sleeping in my memory

I won't disturb the slumber

Of feelings that have died

If I never loved I never would have cried

I am a rock

I am an island

And a rock feels no pain

And an island never cries