"You warm enough?" I ask as we get in the car.
"I'm fine. Now, spill," she demands.
I sigh and put my seat belt on before starting the car.
"Well, it started when I was seventeen. We were seventeen." I have never explained the situation to anyone before. I never thought I would have to and I feel clammy.
"Yeah…." she says.
"You know Gerald. Of course you remember Gerald. But he started in this… this gang."
"A gang?" she asks and looks over at me as I drive down the street.
"Yeah… I don't know why he started but he started telling me about it."
"And being in a gang sounded so appealing?" she questions.
"No…. no, dammit. I would take it all back if I could but… anyway. We were short on boarders in the boarding house at the time and that meant less money coming in. I did it for my grandparents, but when they found out… they were so mad. They kicked me out," I say. Talking about it almost makes my eyes water, but I won't let any tears fall over it.
"So, then you moved to the middle of nowhere with Arnie," she states.
"Yeah. I wanted out of that stupid shit. That wasn't who I was, even if I was doing it for a better reason," I explain to her. There are many other details that I am leaving out and I'm sure she knows that, but I don't want to talk about those. Not yet anyway.
"Damn. So are you and Gerald still cool?" she asks.
I almost laugh. "No. I know I shouldn't blame him because I chose to do it, but I know for damn sure I would have never if he didn't introduce it to me," I say and clench my hands on the steering wheel.
"That's a shame. You guys were the best of friends. I thought for sure you guys would always be friends."
"Best friends are overrated, Helga. There's no such thing as a best friend. You are always alone in this world and you only use people when you need them." I'm surprised by my own revelation but it's already out there and Helga is looking at me like I'm a mad man, and I probably am.
I pull up to the curb of her apartment building. I feel awkward since we didn't even eat and now I am kind of dumping her back home.
"I'm sorry, Helga. It's no good for you to hang out with me. You will only get tangled in this fuck up of a mess. It was nice to catch up, but we should stay acquaintances," I tell her. She only looks straight ahead with a murderous glare and I am glad that it is not being thrown at me yet.
"No," she finally says.
"No?"
"No," she says and turns to me. "You can't tell me what is best for me. You aren't the only person who has been through hell in the past years. I too saw things I didn't want to, and did some things that I'm not proud of. But we all have to do the things that we have to do to survive. We aren't in that place anymore, Arnold. You're not in the gang anymore and I'm not in Iraq anymore. It's okay to have people in your life."
"People hurt you, and you hurt people."
"People make you feel great, and you can make other people feel great. It's all how you choose to live, Arnold. Don't be afraid because things didn't work out once. There are more good times than bad, but if you choose to focus on the bad ones, that's on you."
I stare at her. I stare into her deep, pretty blue eyes and my hand involuntarily moves to her face. She is right. I don't want her to be, but it's true. I tuck a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear.
"You're right," I tell her.
"I know," she says.
The air feels hotter and thicker and the silence is ringing in my ears.
"Well, since we didn't eat, I could cook us something inside?" she offers.
"Um, okay," I agree. She smiles and takes off her seat belt.
"Park in the back then I'll meet you in the front," she says and gets out of the car.
I do as she says and I naturally look around to make sure no one is around. I don't see anyone and she is waiting in the front just like she said.
"I had to clean up some things before I let you in," she says and grabs my hand.
"I wouldn't mind the mess anyway," I tell her.
"I'm sure you won't mind taking the stairs," she says as we climb six sets of stairs.
"Oh god, I work out my arms, not legs," I say. I'm out of breath by the time we get to her floor.
"Please, Football Head. You're embarrassing me," she laughs as I catch my breath.
We walk down the hallway with my hand still in hers as she leads me to the fourth door on the left. She lets go of my hand to grab her keys from her pocket and unlock the door.
The lights reveal a normal looking apartment in the middle of the city. There is a beige couch facing a TV, a blue kitchen with a counter, a small dining table, and I can see two other doors which are probably her bath and bedroom.
"Wow it's… nice," I say as I take a look around. There are medals and certificates on achievements on the walls along with some pictures of her friends, family, and time at camp.
"It's suitable. It's simple, like me," she laughs.
"Oh you're simple?" I say and take a step toward her. She keeps her stance but her smile only provokes me further.
"Yeah. Why, got anything more to say about that?" Is she flirting with me?
"Nope, I have nothing to say," I say and lean in to plant my lips on hers.
…..
"Wow….." is the only thing I say as we both lay on our backs on her bed. Oh yeah, and we are naked.
"Yeah…" she says. We are both catching our breaths coming down from that high.
I did not expect that to happen at all. I thought we were just going to have some fun, but I just got lost in her…
Helga is so wise, so smart, so strong. I wish I knew what she is thinking. I can already feel my feelings developing for this… this beauty. I love how she opened up and tried to help me earlier, and she stood up for what she wanted.
"So, I guess I should start dinner now," she says and tries to cover herself as she gets up from the bed. She grabs sweats from her closet and puts on her shirt without looking at me and leaves the door open as she leaves.
That wasn't the reaction I was expecting at all. I don't want her to be closed off to me now. I opened up to her as well and put trust in her.
I get out of the bed, put my pants back on and leave the bedroom. My shirt is wrinkled now so I'll just leave it off.
"What's that you're making?" I ask from behind her working on the stove.
"Spaghetti. Since we didn't get our own," she says keeping her back faced to me.
"Thank you," I say and lean into her while placing my left hand on her hip. She doesn't respond and continues to stir the sauce around in the pot.
"You okay?" I ask.
"Yeah."
What's up with her? I know what we just did was kind of spontaneous and this is the first day we have talked in years, but we have known each other our whole lives and I don't feel awkward with her at all no matter how much time has passed. We have been through a lot together.
"What are you thinking about?" I ask.
"Nothing."
"Bullshit, Helga. Were you not okay with what just happened? Tell me if so," I try to hint it out of her.
She sighs outwardly and moves from my touch.
"I was just thinking… before in the car you said people can never be close and that we just use people," she says and finally looks my way.
"Yeah… oh. Helga, I wasn't using you just now. I wanted it. You are beautiful, you are strong, I love the way you think. You are so smart…"
"I don't know, Arnold. I feel like this is too good to be true. I don't want to just jump in this after one night."
"I understand that. I'm not sure exactly what I am feeling, but I know that I want to at least try and see what it can be. This was kind of a fast start, but when have things between us ever been normal?" My own efforts surprise myself. Being a lone wolf these last years was okay to me until just now when I remembered what I was missing out on by being with someone.
Something about sharing my life with another person is just appealing, the good and bad parts.
"Never," she half smiles.
"Do you trust me?" I ask. I have to ask.
"I…" she looks away from me.
"Do you trust me, Helga?" I ask again. The uncertainty in her eyes makes my stomach drop. The connection we made has me hooked already.
"I… I trust you, Arnold. I trust you, but you have to trust me too. You can't just push me away when you don't want me and suddenly take me back when you do."
"I won't do that, I swear. Can we just see how this turns out? I have tried to stay away from people, but I know you are strong enough to deal with all of my shit."
"What are you asking?" she asks and takes her lip between her teeth.
"Will you date me? Nothing too serious right now. We can just see how this goes. For now," I say. I feel I am treading on thin water and my heart is about to hammer out of my chest.
She looks at me then laughs lightly.
"You know what's funny, Arnoldo? I have been waiting for you to ask me that for eighteen long ass years," she says and hooks her arms around my neck and brings me in to kiss me.
"So is that a yes?" I ask against her lips. She just laughs.
"Shut up," she responds and kisses me again.