Third Chapter, Issues with Food Part 1

Disclaimer: 'You tryin' to walk and chew gum at the same time, Bella?'

A/N: I know Embry is really melodramatic, but that's just how I write him. Because, lets face it, there really isn't much characterization for the wolves, so we can pretty much do whatever we want with them.

I was convinced that Eva was evil. Quil was convinced that I was nuts.

We'd been alone in the house with Claire and that...that-that THING for fifteen minutes and I was already ready to pack it in and go home.

But nooooo, 'Quilly' wasn't having any of it. "Come on Em, she's not evil, she's just a normal little girl!"

"That's what she wants you to think!" I cried hysterically, waving my arms wildly in Eva's direction. Eva and Claire were sitting at the kitchen table, eating the spaghetti Emily had made for them before she left.

Quil put his hands on my shoulders and held me still. "Embry, listen: she is not evil, she is not a devil. She is a nice, quiet, good little girl, who is best friends with my Claire-bear!"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Is that you or the imprint talking?"

"Both," Quil stated as he began to steer me towards the table. "Now sit down and eat a muffin. They keep you quiet..."

"Okay," I grudgingly complied, sitting down next to Claire, Quil taking a seat on her other side. I reached for the muffin plate; put my hand out and - nothing. The last muffin was gone...THE LAST MUFFIN WAS GONE! Frantically, I began scouting the table, hoping it had rolled off or something. No luck on the table top, time to check the floor.

I got down on my hands and knees and looked under the table. No muffin, but there was a pile of crumbs beginning to form over the other side of the table. Muffin crumbs. I stood up, forgetting I was under the table and banging my head.

"OW!" I bellowed, falling over backwards, rubbing my head and swearing.

Quil looked scandalised and Claire gaped at me.

"Uncle Embry said a bad word!"

"Uncle Embry said lots of bad words," Quil growled, glaring at me.

"How come you get mad at me for swearing and not Paul?"

"Because Claire doesn't call Paul 'Uncle Paul'."

"Yes she does."

"..." And Quil whipped his phone out and began to scroll furiously through his contacts, muttering: "I'll teach him a lesson for swearing in front of Claire-bear..."

I rolled my eyes, and looked around for the source of the pile of crumbs. And then I saw it. The most horrifying sight I'd ever seen in my entire life.

Eva was sitting there; smugly licking muffin crumbs off her greedy little fingers.

"AH-HA!" I yelled, pointing at her. Quil paused mid rant to Paul, looking at me with an odd expression on his face. "There's the proof!" I continued, still pointing at Eva, who went on happily licking her fingers.

"Proof of what Uncle Embry?"

"She's evil!"

"Embry!" Quil sighed. "What could Eva possibly have done to make you think she's evil?"

"She..." I paused for dramatic effect. "Ate the last muffin."

Quil facepalmed.

I sat, sulking on my bar-stool as Quil, Claire, and the devil's daughter planned some activities.

"Excuse me, Quil?" Eva's voice cut in. "What's wrong with Mr Embry?"

"Nothing, he just gets a bit attached to Emily's muffins,"

"I do not!" I protested, crossing my arms.

"Em, you just chucked a hissy because Eva ate the last muffin. How can you not call that attached?"

I ignored him.

"Besides," Quil added. "You've already had, what, ten? Do you really need another one?"

"Yes..." Okay, maybe not. But...Emily's muffins are addictive!

"Whatever," Quil said, shaking his head. "Now stop sulking - these two want to do some cooking!"

Oh God, this could only end badly...

"Uh, Quil?" I asked tentatively. "Are you sure that's safe to eat?"

Quil rolled his eyes at me. "Stop being such a girl - it's perfectly safe!" and he took a bite out of the Mac and Cheese burrito Claire had made for him. It smelled...cheesy...

"Uncle Embry!" Claire whined. "You haven't eaten your's yet!" and she pointed at the piece of toast sitting in front of me.

It was burnt to charcoal, and was topped with melted cheese and cheese flavoured Twisties. This girl has a thing for cheese... I gulped and picked the...thing...up, trying not to smell it. Eating with long teeth, I took a bite out of the toast. My eyes began to water as the foul taste of burnt food assaulted my taste buds. Behind Claire, Quil (who had finished the burrito) made a chew-and-swallow motion. Glaring at him, and making a mental note to beat him to death with a spoon, I gnawed at the lump of coal in my hand.

Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. And EW! Oh God that was the worst thing I'd ever eaten!

"What did you think, Uncle Embry?" Claire asked, looking at me with pleading eyes. I glanced at Quil. The look he was giving me said 'Tell her it sucked, and I will throw you off the cliff.' Gulp.

"It was really, eeeeer, good Claire!"

"Really Uncle Embry?"

"Yeah, sure, absotively posilutely!"

She laughed at me. "You're silly Uncle Embry!"

"He is, isn't he?" Quil agreed, nodding sagely. Claire laughed at him too. "Now, what has Eva made us?"

"I'm not done!" she cried and Quil went to enter the kitchen. He backed out, hands up.

"Okay, but don't be too much longer - it's almost seven,"

What? Seven? I still had and hour and a half of torture left? I could have screamed.

I did scream when Eva came out of the kitchen with a plate of...muffins.

"Here Mr Embry," she said 'innocently'. "I made you some muffins." Is it just me, or did that sound way to sinister to be coming from a ten year old?

"Aww, isn't that sweet?" Quil cooed. Seriously? Could he not see that she was trying to poison me?

"Ahhh, thanks, I think. What kind of muffin are they?"

Eva smiled devilishly. How is it that I'm the only one who can see she's evil? "They're 'Anything and Everything Muffins'!" she announced proudly.

"'Anything and Everything'?" Quil and I looked at each other - me with a look of terror, and he with a look of entertainment.

She nodded. "Claire says that you said that you'll eat any and every kind of muffin."

"Oh, did she now?" I would've glared at Claire, but then Quil would've kill me. Stupid imprinting...

So, I bit the bullet and picked up one of the 'muffins' and inspected it. Ugh, is that a piece of wire?

"Come on Embry, how bad can it be?" Quil asked, giving me a nudge. I groaned, and took a bite.

Oh Go-