Audreidi: Thank you! :D I was deliberately trying to write him as younger – he is, after all, still quite young. I'm glad you like it, and that it feels 'Obi-Wan' to you. ;) Yes, he probably is avoiding thinking of the future. I think that's understandable – the future just looks bleak, after all.
YLJedi: Thanks! :D I think that must have been his end goal – destroying the Jedi Order, of course, the first part in it. In this, though, he chose to do it all in one fell swoop. :p Sometimes I like journal-style stories, sometimes I don't, but I actually generally do like first person. I know what you mean about third person, though – sometimes stories are better in third than first, and sometimes I think it's vice versa, too. It depends on the story. :) The detail and vagueness – on one hand, this is a story and on another, this is Obi-Wan's journal, and he's not going to describe in detail things he doesn't want to remember or that aren't important to him. :p Thank you again! :D I'm glad you're enjoying.
Tess: I'm glad you like the method I chose. ;) I debated with myself for a while on whether it would be effective or not, and I'm glad you think it is. Thank you! :D
Snow-Glory: So do I, generally speaking. First person is just more personal, and I love being right there with the character, understanding everything. I don't want to spoil you, but the story doesn't go the way you're thinking. ;) Glad you're enjoying. :D
ewan's girl: Wow, thanks! Aye, it's different at the very least. :p Thanks again. :)
Feedback is, as always, appreciated and adored. Thanks everyone! Next part soon. ;)
Two Jedi died today.
--- Entry 30
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As a Jedi, I'm trained to have very good memory, as well as being trained in memory-retrieval techniques. But I'm going to write this down anyway.
Xanatos finally came into the room he'd kept me in the past few days. I was pretty hungry. He had given me water, plenty of it, but no food.
He came with food. A plate of fruit. I looked at it, wary, but didn't meet his eyes. Regardless of his reason for keeping me in here, I didn't want to be punished.
"Go ahead," Xanatos said to me. "Eat."
I debated saying anything, then decided he was the one who kept the food from me for so long, so I didn't say 'thank you, Master', as would probably have been wise. I just grabbed the food and ate. I wanted so desperately to eat it all, and now, but I knew I'd probably vomit if I did that.
Xanatos just stood, waiting, then after a few minutes, he spoke. "The thing about Qui-Gon is that he doesn't suffer easily. He's courageous, brave, whatever. He withstands pain, even if he doesn't like it. He resists, rebels. Qui-Gon is very good at that. It's in his nature." He paused as I said nothing. "Give him a lovely world, a life that is easy if he obeys, a life that is easy for others if he obeys . . . and he is given a dilemma. A delightful dilemma, wouldn't you agree?"
I didn't think; I responded. I looked him in the eyes and told him he'd fail. He would never change the man, the Jedi, that Qui-Gon Jinn was.
Xanatos looked at me for a while, a few minutes, then said, "He's not your Master anymore."
He beat me then. I don't need to remember that part. He let me out of the room, after another day, yesterday. He repeated what I already knew, that I stay in a specific area, one of three, for the Jedi to sleep in – the one farthest from Qui-Gon. I gave a few of the Jedi the barebones, to try to pass along to Qui-Gon, that it was my fault I was beaten, not his. I hope it gets to him. Xanatos has been getting stricter and stricter about what we do and where.
I don't know why Xanatos did what he did, or why he said that, at the last. Qui-Gon is my Master because I respect and love him. Xanatos merely owns me.
--- Entry 31
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Xanatos changed things again. There are now three distinct groups of Jedi on the estate. Those who serve in the house and surrounding area, those in the territory just outside of that, and those who serve just outside the borders. Not that the borders mean that much; there are no walls here, just electronic tags. I looked out there a few times, there's just more greenery and beach at the borders. Qui-Gon is still far away. At least, it feels like that.
Xanatos has taken to going on long walks, and watching Qui-Gon. Glaring, really, except he looks smug when he does it. I have no choice but to follow. I can't even talk to Qui-Gon, because I have to stay out of sight, and Xanatos always orders Qui-Gon to be around, so he can watch my Master working as a slave. It infuriates me. I know Xanatos knows it, and I'm pretty sure Qui-Gon knows it, too.
--- Entry 32
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Xanatos made Qui-Gon cut his hair. Maybe cut is the wrong word – chop off, maybe. Close to the scalp. I don't know why this bothers me so much, but it does. Qui-Gon has always had long hair. It's been a part of him, to me. He kept it long, almost wild, but then brushed it back. And that's Qui-Gon, in a way, a rebel somewhat, but still calm, still a Jedi.
It was because I was seen. Xanatos was on one of his walks, I was following. I saw Qui-Gon, as usual, but this time he saw me. I saw his recognition in his eyes, in spite of how far away we were from each other. Qui-Gon looked away almost immediately, but Xanatos still noticed.
And he dragged me out of my hiding, and made Qui-Gon take a hatchet and cut off his hair.
I think Xanatos knew this would bother me.
All Qui-Gon did is close his eyes.
--- Entry 33
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Xanatos has started watching me again.
--- Entry 34
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My whole body hurts. Xanatos has been really angry lately, and spending more time in his office. I have to sit outside. I'm so tired.
--- Entry 35
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Our rations were never huge, but Xanatos cut them in half. I'm hungry a lot now, and I imagine Qui-Gon is doing even worse. I've started thinking about why Xanatos is doing everything the way he is, now. Why keep us here? A lot of it is to hurt Qui-Gon, obviously. Seeing other Jedi as slaves hurts him. Seeing me as Xanatos' (apparently) personal slave really hurts him. Being a slave is humiliating.
But we're in warm weather, have food, clothing . . . And he doesn't torture us. Necessarily. He beats us, probably Qui-Gon and I most of all, but there is no extended torture. Unless you count these mind games. He wants to change Qui-Gon, I know that. But why this way? I hate how Xanatos makes us so completely dependent on him for survival.
--- Entry 36
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I prefer mind games. Really.
--- Entry 37
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He beat me so badly yesterday that he's letting me 'take off' the next three days. I can hardly move, and I can still smell my own blood, because Xanatos won't let me wash it off or clean the wounds. He says he'll cut rations entirely if I do. I hope I don't infected. I hope I don't die.
--- Entry 38
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Qui-Gon attacked Xanatos today. He seemed to be expecting it; he looked practically exultant. Xanatos dragged me – in sight – around on his walk, still covered with blood. I tried really hard to use the Force to heal myself, but I'm feverish. I can tell I'm not well. Qui-Gon could too. He took one look at me, limping behind Xanatos, and he just – threw himself at him. He managed to land a few blows, then Xanatos used the Force to push him off.
When Qui-Gon went to me instead of attacking Xanatos again, Xanatos let him. For a few moments, anyway. Everything was a bit hazy, but it looked like the cut of his hair had been evened out, and I noted that weirdly it made his eyes look bluer. He talked to me. I don't remember what he said, but it was comforting, and he said it.
Then Xanatos beat Qui-Gon. Not with a handy stick, but his own hands.
Last I saw, the Jedi were taking care of him. Xanatos dragged me back to my area, and told the Jedi they could take care of me now.
They're trying, but it's so damn hot.
--- Entry 39
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Everything has been very confused. What am I doing in Xanatos' house, on a mat on the floor? I have vague memories of the Jedi taking care of me, I don't remember their names – I hardly ever see them, Xanatos always has me near him – and then ones of Xanatos, but they don't seem like they're in order. And I have my datapad with me, here.
And I've been bandaged.
--- Entry 40
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Why did I do that?
So Xanatos takes to muttering under his breath, and I keep getting little glimpses in the Force of his durasteel shields slipping just a bit. It's like it just popped out of my mouth without my brain ever being involved. Or at least my common sense. At least I didn't get a beating.
--- Entry 41
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Xanatos finally answered me today. When I first asked him, he had stared at me for a few moments, while I tried to avoid his eyes, then he just told me to keep quiet.
But today, he answered me. I don't think I really expected his response: "I don't live in constant fury. It's not possible. I simply use whichever portion of the Force is convenient. And why shouldn't I? It's all the same Force. How can one side of life be bad, and the other good?"
I didn't have a response for that, so I didn't say anything. But I want to talk to Qui-Gon.
--- Entry 42
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Really, the answer was obvious. There is a bad and good side to life. Or Xanatos' wouldn't have wished away the pain of his father's death.
I thought about telling him that, but decided against it for obvious reasons. Common sense is working, check.
--- Entry 43
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One of the other Jedi offered to mentor me. I'm not sure. Qui-Gon is still my Master.
--- Entry 44
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And another thing. If life (or the Force) couldn't have bad and good sides, why bother to do anything? Take over the galaxy? Save it? Wouldn't things just be the same for all, equally meaningless in pain and joy?
--- Entry 45
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Ouch. First he yelled at me, then he beat me. Fortunately by the time he was done with the verbal lashing, he wasn't angry enough to do a horrible amount of damage when he got to the physical part. I'm just badly bruised, I think. I didn't even mention what I thought about his father.
Of course, I shouldn't have said anything at all. Slaves don't challenge their Masters.
I miss Qui-Gon.
--- Entry 46
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Xanatos upped the rations. Not quite to where they used to be, but close. He was totally calm today, his anger at me apparently totally spent. I limped around my duties, fetching this and that, cleaning up behind Xanatos. Cleaning can be strangely satisfying, but the fetching part is still demeaning.
I'm glad Qui-Gon doesn't have to do this.
I wonder why he upped the rations. He's so mercurial, we never know how he's going to react. I thought Qui-Gon would be dead by now, if I'm honest with myself. And I thought he'd leave to me to die from infection, but he didn't. He had his doctor look after me until the Jedi could take care of me again.
If he's trying to baffle us, it's working.
--- Entry 47
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News about the galaxy doesn't get in here often. For the most part, the same group of Jedi are on Xanatos' estate, the new ones get sent to the prison camp. We've heard it isn't so bad over there, there's plenty of food (which we don't always have here, due to Xanatos' whims) and a fairly relaxed routine. After all, they all wear the collars.
But a rumor is spreading that Xanatos' forces are meeting a wall in how far they can go. The Outer Rim has put up a massive effort, and they're keeping him out. That's where the Jedi are, I think.
--- Entry 48
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Several of the Jedi are teaching me things now. But it's getting harder. I'm tired all the time.
--- Entry 49
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I can't get out of my head how weird this whole thing is. What a bizarre mixture of cruelty and kindness, keeping us here, in a virtual paradise, with the only downsides that we're all slaves who serve someone who hates us, and punishes us occasionally.
--- Entry 50
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Qui-Gon has to fetch for Xanatos now. I've been moved out of the house, though Qui-Gon and I are still in the same area now. I can't wait to talk to him tonight, even if he does have to suffer this new humiliation, after doing Xanatos' gardening.
--- Entry 51
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First he hugged me, than he inspected me. I didn't mind, except it made him so angry to see the new scars. Most of us have had a growing collection. Xanatos' security has that authority in certain situations, and I . . . well, I get most of mine personally. Or I did, at any rate.
I think Qui-Gon is relieved. He held me for hours, like a child, not like I was seventeen years old. We talked until morning, knowing we could use the Force to keep us going if need be. He noted that I'm skinny. I told him big surprise, so is he. At least, skinnier than he used to be, than he should be. Not unhealthy yet, but getting close for all of us, at least until the rations were upped.
I could see his scars too, but I didn't comment. Most of us are running around half-naked these days, due to both the heat and the lack of good clothing for the younger children. Something I know the Jedi are planning to talk to Xanatos about. I hope it goes well.
In the meantime, I have Qui-Gon again. And he has me.
--- Entry 52
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I'm privately amazed at Qui-Gon's patience. He hasn't snapped yet, and I've seen (from a distance) Xanatos order him around like stupid pet. It makes me angry, but whenever Qui-Gon feels my anger, it doesn't help him any. So I've tried to stay calm about it.
Qui-Gon is surprised I still have my datapad.
--- Entry 53
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He's quieter than he used to be. But his strength hasn't eased any. I'm not surprised at that, though Qui-Gon's explanation of how he has changed over our separation – and before that – did surprise me, in that I hadn't thought of it that way. He told me it's about how you take it. If you use it to better yourself, or not. And trusting in the Force, and the eventual righting of things, even if it happens after all our deaths. He says this brings him some comfort. That we'll be together at some point does, too.
I can already tell he's less impulsive, over the past few days we've had. Not that he ever was truly impulsive, but he often just followed his instincts, regardless of what conflict it brought him. I think that's changed.
He says I'm quieter, too, but he admitted he's not sure if that's a good thing. I speak out less often, but when I do, it's not always at the wisest time. And he thinks Xanatos' constant presence has influenced me.
He didn't say that part. But I can tell he's thinking it.
I told him I loved him, and that I didn't hate Xanatos. It's a Jedi thing, not to hate, but I don't think he was expecting it of me. I hate what Xanatos does.
I'm just tired of hating him.
--- Entry 54
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I told Qui-Gon about what Xanatos said about the Dark Side. And what I said back, though not about the beating afterwards. I think he guessed, but oh well.
He agrees with me. He seemed slightly surprised Xanatos' bothered to answer me, and proud that I figured out what was wrong with his answer. Though I did get a lecture about baiting Xanatos. He said that others could be punished if I made Xanatos angry. I hadn't thought of that. If it's just me – but it's not.
Qui-Gon asked, too, if any of the Jedi had mentored me. I said no. How can I say that not only was I hesitant about accepting it, but Xanatos didn't like it when I even talked to another Jedi? It was never overt. But I could tell. He'd work me until I was exhausted every time I stayed up late at night, learning mental techniques and meditations from one of the Jedi. I know it's deliberate, but I don't know why.
I think Qui-Gon would. But I'm still not mentioning it to him.
--- Entry 55
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It occurred to me that I'm not supposed to be protective, emotionally, of Qui-Gon, even as he is supposed to be for me.
--- Entry 56
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I told him. What now?
--- Entry 57
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I asked Qui-Gon if he attacked Xanatos, and he said no. What good would his lessons be, he said, if he didn't follow them himself? No matter how angry? He did, very humbly, ask Xanatos what the hell he was up to with me, but Xanatos didn't bother to answer.
So . . . Xanatos calls me into the house tonight, with Qui-Gon. He tells me that I'm forbidden to speak to Qui-Gon after today. (Which is an odd kindness, that we get to say goodbye.) And I'm back to being fetch-boy. He ordered Qui-Gon to leave, I couldn't help staring after him, and then Xanatos stared at me for a minute or so, while I tried not to fidget.
He waved me off after finally speaking. All he said to me was, the last part in a mutter, "At least you show it on your face. And the Force."
I hesitate to guess what that means, exactly. Not about Qui-Gon's control – but about me.
--- Entry 58
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I can't talk now. It just hurts. What if I never talk to Qui-Gon again? I have to remember everything.
--- Entry 59
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When I came back, the first thing he did is hug me. I'm getting taller, stronger, but I know I'll never be bigger than him, and I've never cared less than at that moment. I felt like I was safe, for that moment. I haven't felt safe in a long time. Three years.
He pushed my hair away from my face, looked into my eyes, and led me over to a mat on the floor. We sat, and he started to talk to me. I can still remember every word:
"This is going to be hard, Obi-Wan. Not just on me, and not just because of our separation. I wish I could change things, but I can't. I don't believe even the Force can undo the past. Obi-Wan . . . you must never forget what Xanatos is, and what he is capable of, as well as what he has done. He will try to change you, in some way. He is trying to change all of us, and in a sense, he has. But you and I won't change to whatever he wants us to be, whether it is slaves or – very confused Jedi." He smiled a bit.
I nodded.
"I want you to remember my words, Obi-Wan. I am proud of you. I am glad I took you as my apprentice, even as I grieve for the pain it has caused you, because of Xanatos' hatred of me. Despite that, I don't think you regret it, and I know that I cannot. You are a bright soul, and you are a wonderful Jedi. Your patience, your diligence, and your vigilance all make you that.
"I love you. And this separation is not the end."
I cried, after that. He said other things, and we talked of days gone, of the rest of the galaxy, the Jedi. I'll remember that, too. But this will never leave my mind.
--- Entry 60
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I can't believe Xanatos is doing this. He keeps us in the same area, we're in speaking distance every day – certainly every night – and we aren't allowed to speak to each other. How are we supposed to do this?
I wonder if Xanatos would know if we talked. Does he bug everything?
--- Entry 61
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He knew. I tried to talk to Qui-Gon, just a few words – Qui-Gon shook his head at me – and Qui-Gon got beaten for it. Xanatos must listen in on our conversations. He smiled at me this morning, then dragged Qui-Gon away. Damn the Hutt slime.
--- Entry 62
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I've gotten used to not talking to Qui-Gon, even those he's close. The thought disturbs me a little bit, that we didn't fight it more. But how could we have fought? And even though we don't have words, we can look at each other. I can see his thoughts behind his eyes, and I'm sure he can read me even better. I'm almost always near Xanatos during the day, so we can't use the Force to speak, really, but I guess this is enough.
Xanatos has started talking to me. He doesn't actually need me to respond, he just likes to talk to me. I don't know why. I never know anything.
--- Entry 63
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