Chapter Three.

The events that transpired after Smeagol/Gollum-yeah, he has two names-killed for me, are the reason that I believe I need to see a psychiatrist. With all the rubbing and the…the stroking and the talking to me in that…that terrible voice worse than a Dorks…and those eyes…THOSE HORRIBLE YELLOW EYES!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!

…Sorry. I just have serious issues concerning that particular time period. I'm not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that I MUCH preferred Sauron.

I'm afraid I can't go on. Remembering that time of my life…it's just too painful. I hate that creep with a passion, and I regret to inform you that this is not going to be the last you hear of him. He has an extremely harmful case of split personality, -he's in dire need of psychological help himself-so we'll just call him Smollum from now on 'kay? 'Kay.

After many years of fear, torture, and severe emotional damage on my part, a miracle happened. Smollum…dropped me! I'm afraid I can't demonstrate my reaction to this miracle, as the enormously high volume of my overjoyed screams would most likely leave you deaf.

Fortunately, Smollum didn't hear my delighted cries because of the whole "I'm a ring and nobody ever hears what I'm saying." thing.

Unfortunately, my intense joy quickly subsided after hearing Smollum's scream of anger. "The preeeeeciousss!!!!! The precious is lost!!!"

Oh great, just GREAT. The nut had realized he dropped me. Totally peachy.

I was about to resign myself to an eternity of horrifying petting and whispering, when I heard footsteps coming. I could tell they weren't Smollum's, as the dude usually walked on all fours. Perhaps he was half animal. Very likely if you think about it.

The footsteps came closer, and I recognized a small little guy with big feet, kinda' like how Smollum was before he went berserk. I desperately hoped that this guy would only share Smollum's previous species, and not his insanity as well.

The guy noticed me, and I crossed my nonexistent fingers. "A…A ring!" He exclaimed upon spotting me. Yup. I thought impatiently. I'm a ring. Now can we get out here before the Lord of the Psychopaths locates my whereabouts, please?

Yeah, I admit that was a tad grumpy. But give me a break! The thought of spending an eternity with Smollum will do that to a guy.

What followed was a rather amusing incident where Smollum and Bilbo-the guy who just picked me up-engaged each other in a game of riddles. Surprisingly, Smollum didn't do half bad. You'd think his sense was too nonexistent to be able to tell riddles, but this apparently wasn't the case.

What followed that was a crazy little adventure with Bilbo, a bunch of dwarves, and a wizard named Gandalf. He was a cool guy, that wizard. Don't quite like his fashion choices though. My advice? Lose the hat, man. Makes you look like something out of a wimpy children's cartoon.

I'm not really gonna' go into detail about this particular adventure, because…well…er…It doesn't have much to do with me. And you wanna' hear about me right? Good. Thought so.