Gauditions

When waging war against the largest empire on earth, what could be better than having a literal goddess on your side?

It had seemed like such a good idea at the time. It really, really, had.

"Erm… is this thing on?" The green haired woman on stage asked, tapping lightly on the mic. The instant she touched it, the room was filled with the horrific sound of feedback so loud it could have passed for a cat being pushed through a cheese grater. "Oops! Sorry…"

In the front row, the only indication Zero gave was a slight flinch as the nails-on-chalkboard cacophony struck him. C.C. and Kallen were decidedly less reserved with the former glaring up at the offender while the other clutched her hands to her ears with a physically pained expression.

"No need to apologize." He said, which earned him two incredulous looks from the girls on either side. "Now please, let us get on with the audition. We will need your name, the focus of your powers, and what you would offer to the Black Knights."

"Oh! Right! Of course!" The woman replied, perking up almost immediately. With a modest imitation of a curtsy, she said "My name is Hina Kagiyama, and I'm the goddess of misfortune."

"You cause misfortune?" Kallen asked, backing ever-so-slightly further into her chair.

"Oh, no, no, no!" Hina answered quickly, shaking her head and holding up her hands. "I merely absorb misfortune, you see. I don't actually cause it or anything like that, I promise you."

At that exact moments, one of the lights broke off the catwalk and came crashing down on the head of a guard that had been stationed nearby. The room was filled with the explosion of shattered glass, the thud of a body hitting the floor, and then dead silence as Hina rubbed the back of her neck in embarrassment.

"Well… I suppose I should mention that, on occasion, some of that misfortune might leak out to those around me…" She admitted sheepishly. "Would that be a problem?"

"Is he dead!?" Kallen demanded, looking back and forth between the fallen guard and Zero. "He's not dead, right!? Please tell me he's not!"

"Thank you for your time, miss Kagiyama." Zero replied, neatly ignoring his second in command. "But I'm afraid that the Black Knights will not be needing your services. If you're still interested in amassing faith, might I suggest that you try and join with the Holy Brittanian Empire? I'm sure they'd appreciate your talents."

"Aren't they the ones you're trying to overthrow?" Hina asked with a frown.

"Yes."

"Ah, well… Thank you for the opportunity anyway." She finished, taking her leave. As she stepped out, one of the upper windows shattered, raining broken glass on the interior of the theater.

"Who's next?"

Between the interviews, Kallen took a moment to confront Zero about one aspect of the event.

"I have to ask, why is it that the Black Knights need a goddess?"

"Morale is one of the most important parts of any war effort." He explained, gesturing around them. "Without it, there can be no resistance. No rebellion. Regardless of how strong our nation may be, if the will to fight isn't there, we would be destined for defeat. The power of a divine being is great, but beyond even that, the effect they'd have on raising the spirits of our forces are incomparable. Nations throughout history of lived and died on the idea that God is on their side. Imagine if we were to have proof! This is an opportunity we cannot afford to miss."

"No, I get all that. What I'm asking, is why do we need a goddess?" She repeated, suspicion in her eyes as she glanced between him and C.C.

"I'm not cherry-picking the applications!" He replied indignantly. "This is everyone who was interested!"

"It is strange how few men there seem to be in this Gensokyo place…" C.C. remarked

"I'm Minoriko Aki!"

"I'm Shizuha Aki!"

"And we're the twin goddesses of Autumn!" The next applicants declared, standing proudly on stage. Though both were shorter in stature than Hina, they hadn't brought the roof down on anyone yet, so it was an improvement in that regard.

"Welcome Aki sisters." Zero said. "Do you have any talents to bring to the table?"

Shizuha, the elder of the two, stepped forwards.

"The changing of the leaves is my specialization." She said, throwing her arms wide. "When Fall descends, I am tasked with painting the leaves of the trees in the colors of the season, bathing the world in a tapestry of red, orange and yellow."

"And I'm the goddess of the bountiful harvest!" Minoriko declared, clenching her fist in front of her for emphasis. "I bring life to the tilled lands, and food to the hungry farmers! My specialty is sweet potatoes!"

"All right." He said, nodding. "Do you have any useful talents to bring to the table?"

The two paused, exchanging a look.

"Not really, no…"

"We wouldn't be here if we did…"

"We'll be in touch." Zero dismissed.

"You know, the blessing of a harvest goddess is actually rather useful." C.C. pointed out as they waited.

"Believe me, I've done the math." Zero replied. "If we're fighting long enough to take advantage of the next harvest, we'll have already lost."

"I wonder how long it takes to paint all the trees?" Kallen mused aloud.

The next in line made a rather dramatic appearance, via a gigantic boulder smashed through the ceiling.

"Kneel before me mortals!" A dashing, blue-haired woman declared, standing atop the keystone. "Tenshi Hinawa, greatest daughter of heaven, has graced you with her presence!"

"I take it they don't use doors in heaven?" Kallen questioned, glaring up at the hole she'd made.

"Bah! You can't expect a celestial to be bound by the laws of peasants!" Tenshi laughed, drawing her glimmering crimson sword. "Now, point me towards the foe! I'll bring untold ruin upon them and their nation! Earn my favor, and I swear that not one of them shall- OW!"

Her remarks were cut off as another woman, this one wearing an ornate scarlet trimmed dress that seemed almost impossibly light given its size, showed up and grabbed her by the ear.

"That's quite enough eldest daughter." She said with a sigh. "We're returning to heaven at once. Your father is going to be very angry about all the trouble you've been causing."

"No! Don't take me back Iku! I'm having fun down here! I don't wanna go back yet! OW! Let go! Stop pulling so hard!"

"Thank you for tracking down my wayward charge and letting me know she was here." Iku said, nodding towards the Black Knights. "You've saved me, and many others, a lot of trouble."

"Not at all." Zero replied, stowing his cell phone. "Simply doing what's right."

"Come along, eldest daughter."

"Argh! You'll regret thiiiiiiiiis!"

As the wayward celestial was dragged away, he turned towards C.C and asked "who's next on the list after her?"

"Someone called Junko. Not a divinity, but she works with one."

"Well, that doesn't sound so bad." Kallen said.

"And then we drag Chang'e to the center of town and have her drawn and quartered! Then we quarter the quarters, and quarter the quartered quarters! Then we heap all the pieces into a pile and feed them to the hounds! Then once they've passed through the hounds, we erect a pyre that is exactly twenty feet wide by twenty feet long, and..!"

"How long has this rant been going for?" Zero groaned, holding his head in his hands.

"Forty-seven minutes and counting." C.C. replied. "I'm rather impressed actually. It's been a long time since I've seen someone with a grudge this intense."

"Just let me shoot her…" Kallen pleaded, her gun already trained on the woman with shaking hands.

"Somehow I doubt that would make her stop." Zero answered with a sigh.

"Fufufufu… you were right to beseech me for this war of yours." The next applicant chuckled to herself. "Bloodshed is something I am quite intimately familiar with…"

Between her dark, ominous presence, and the unholy wings sprouting from her back, she cut a terrifying figure. Or she would have, if she didn't look like she belonged in an elementary school.

"Are you even a goddess?" Kallen demanded, causing her to scoff.

"A mere practitioner of petty miracles?" She shot back. "No my dear. I am the legendary vampire, Remelia Scarlet! Invincible queen of night! The fabled Scarlet Devil! Descendent of the one and only Vlad Te-"

"Next!" Zero interrupted.

"Wait! Hang on! I haven't even gotten to do my evil laugh yet!"

"Next!"

"Finally. Someone who looks legit." Kallen remarked as the next person in line entered. The woman was tall, imposing, and carrying herself in a way that was equal parts smooth and calculated. Her garb was reminiscent of the feudal Japanese style, and the gravity defying shimenawa that hung from her back only added to her impressive figure.

"Welcome." Zero announced. "Please, introduce yourself and tell us what benefits you may offer the Black Knights."

"I am Kanako Yaska" She declared, her voice commanding such authority that all the guards present snapped back to attention, and even Kallen found herself sitting up straighter. "My traditional role is that of a war goddess, commanding both the wind and rain. More recently I have adapted to become a goddess of innovation. Both of these talents would prove invaluable to your rebellion no doubt. I feel we can come to an agreement easily enough. In exchange for faith provided by your followers and those who support them, I am prepared to-"

Her words were cut off as a lighthearted jingle filled the room with a mechanical buzz. Pausing briefly, she gave a humorless chuckle.

"Er… excuse me for one second…" She said, reaching into her sleeve and drawing out a very modern looking cellphone. "What is it Suwako! I'm busy! I don't have time for…"

She paused, eyes widening as the voice on the other end said something. "What do you mean Sanae got away from you!? I told you to keep her distracted! No, this isn't a good time to- hang on! How would she know that- No! You calm down! This is a very important business meeting that I can't afford to-"

The door suddenly slammed inwards, and a green blur stormed into the room. Kallen, C.C., and Zero all jumped up from their seats as Kanako rushed to put herself in front of the new arrival.

"Are you Zero!?" The girl demanded, panting and sweaty, but wearing a grin that could only be described as borderline manic.

"Sanae! What happened to you?" Kanako asked, aghast. "Listen to me child, right now! You need to head back to Suwako and- OOF!"

Despite being head and shoulders taller than the girl, the goddess was bowled over as if she weighed nothing at all.

"ARE YOU ZERO!?" Sanae repeated, causing him to inch back. Before he could even think to respond, she continued. "When do I get to drive a mecha!?"

"What?" Kallen demanded. "What the hell are you-"

"When do I get to blow things up in a mecha!?"

"Last one…" C.C. sighed, hunched over in her seat. The interviewing process had taken its toll on all of them.

"Right…" Zero said as two odd individuals took their place on stage. "Please introduce yourselves, and what you preside over as goddess of… what you preside over..."

"Unyuu?" The larger of the two said, cocking her head curiously. A pair of wings extended from her back, and a burning jewel seemed to have been emblazoned on her chest. "A goddess? Where?"

"They're talking about you Okuu!" Replied her assistant, who was decorated with a pair of cat ears and two tails sprouting from her lower back. "Remember? You absorbed the Yatagarasu and all that?"

"Hmm…" Okuu, or Utsuho as her name was written, adopted a look of intense contemplation before brightening up. "Oh yea! I did do that. Does that really make me a goddess?"

"Close enough, right? No c'mon! Win these guys over so we can join the war! Just think of all the corpses we'll be able to harvest!"

"Okay!" She cheered, raising one fist to the air. "I'm Okuu and I ate the Sun God!"

The three audience members merely stared at her before Zero broke the silence.

"Would you care to… elaborate?" He prompted.

"Elabawhat now?"

"He wants you to show off what you can do!" Her aid explained for her.

"Oh! I can do that!"

There was a brief moment of wonder as the large, cannon-like object covering her right arm began to glow, before everyone seemed to realize what that meant.

"No wait! You need to go outside befo-"

The destruction of an old theater in Eleven territory wouldn't normally make the news, but in this case, it was all over the headlines. A beam of light exploding from the ground and reaching far up into the heavens, so bright it turned night into day. Nobody could explain what had happened or where it had come from, but everyone agreed that it couldn't have just been an accident.

Some particularly observant individuals might have noted that it was about this time that the Black Knights suffered a sharp drop in public appearances, and when they did show themselves, were covered head to toe in obscuring clothing. If one were to examine their pictures very closely, they might notice that the few places where one could make out bits of skin were bright red, as if suffering some kind of terrible sunburn.

With that in mind, certain groups had suggested that the brilliant beam of light and the Black Knights were somehow connected, but no evidence was ever found to support this notion. With no more follow-up, the explosion faded into just another story, and the self-proclaimed warriors of justice recovered from whatever had ailed them.

Before too long, everything had returned to normal, and the only thing that changed was a particularly vehement declaration from Zero himself stating that anyone relying on divine providence to bring them victory was both a fool and a madman, and that triumph not earned with one's own hand was no triumph worth winning.

When asked where he'd come to such a conclusion, he remained cryptically silent. He was a rather mysterious individual, after all.