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Dear Diary,
Melly's funeral was today. I can not believe the disgrace! Even though it was for Ashley's own good! He was going to break his neck!! Someone had to stop him. I promised Melly to take care of him. I wouldn't be doing so if I had let him kill himself! I did what she would have done... Melly would have done the same thing... I have to believe Melly would have saved someone's life... She did at the hospital; that is the type of person Melly was...
Scarlett sat and tried to convince herself that she did the right thing.
Dr. Meade was wrong. I wasn't doing damage. Why did everyone have to be so mean to me? I just won't think about that now. I miss Rhett. I wish he would have been there to hold me. Maybe I will write him a letter.
Scarlett took some paper from the desk and looked at it.
"I wouldn't even know where to begin"...she thought out loud.
Dearest Rhett,
My dearest love... I never called you that enough. Did I ever call you that? My love, I am so sorry. I know I have said that before. I am sorry. Perhaps if I keep telling you maybe you will believe me one day. I have to make you believe. I have never in my life been so sad over someone that I have hurt as much as you. I never realized how much you mean to me. I love you the way I never thought I could love. I did not know such feelings were possible. I wish I could just hear your voice, hear you laughter, see your face, tell you how much I love you and would do anything you want. Every night I long for your body, I long for your touch. Sometimes I imagine it is you holding me, instead of me cradling myself, but it is no where near the same... I want your arms about me, I want your hands on me... Sometimes I sit in your room and just think about you and wonder what you are doing, who you are ... It is my fault that you are not here my darling, and I promise you I will make it up to you. I can not live without you...
She looked at the words on the page...words so painfully honest. He probably won't even read it. He will probably see who it is from and just throw it away without even reading it...
Even if he did read it, he probably wouldn't believe me at all...
"Forget it" she said to the empty room.
I could not bear if he just threw it away or laughed at me and then threw it away... Here let me help you...she thought. She crumpled the paper and tossed it in the fire
Instead she would prepare to go to Tara. She could not stand this silence a moment longer, and with nothing to do, she would positively go mad...
Tara...
She had to leave now... "Pansy" she ordered for her maid. "We have to leave now, is everything ready?"
"Yes Miss Scarlett." Her maid said in a whimper.
Rhett arrived home late in the evening after spending the day with Miss Julia Ashley. Rhett went up the stairs and into his room, poured himself a drink to rest his nerves. He put on his silk night clothes, his slippers and robe and prepared to have a quiet evening of reflection. He stood at the window looking out over the night sky thinking about his plans. He had so much to plan. After discussing with Miss Julia the possibility of investing in local work, he came to the decision to buy the old phosphate mine and put some workers in it. It would do good for some of the local darkies and it would be a product in demand, so people could think he was as successful... as much as needed.
He reasoned in his mind, my money wouldn't be looked at as dirty if there is a way that I can earn it respectably. People are so funny that way...They believe whatever they want to about a person... He continued to muse about restoring his gardens and how beautiful he would make Dunmore landing look again...
He poured himself another drink and drank deeply and quickly and his mind started to wander, he remembered the fallen down burnt buildings then his mind flashed back to burning Atlanta...Narrowly escaping the scorched town with Scarlett...
He took the decanter and poured another drink...
He recalled their farewell before he went off to join the war...
He recalled the long days there after...the explosions...the death... wanting Scarlett...his love of her and desire to see her again getting him through those next awful months...Had he allowed himself to love her the way she loved Ashley? Then he thought hard about that...and took out his journal.
Am I that sick weak thing like she was? Ashley never really loved her and she just pined after him for so many years, ever since the day he met her. I have been exactly the same way about her since the day I met her...
But she was amazing, she was life, she was passion, she was the reason for my passion and my drive...what would I do without her to love? What am I to do without her to love? Who will I love instead? I need her... How could I be so weak to love a person who doesn't love me? How could I want someone who never really wanted me? How could I want to go after someone who doesn't even want to come after me??? It doesn't matter. I love her. I need to stop loving her.
He took another drink and climbed into bed. He held a pillow close to his chest and sobbed quietly. He ached to hold her body next to his to caress her hair... to kiss her sweet lips. He ached for her love...
He wept silently and bitterly ... "Scarlett...I need you..."