Chapter 3 – I Want To Hold Your Hand

As the days and weeks passed, Dean and Castiel fell into a comfortable routine. Waking up, sharing breakfast. Sometimes they would go out walking or driving, sometimes they would stay home and read or watch TV. In the evenings they worked and on their free nights they would watch crappy TV on Dean's old set and Castiel would frown at the irrational, and often irresponsible, choices made by the doctors on Dean's favourite show, Dr. Sexy MD.

Sometimes, Dean would walk into a room to find Castiel sitting in silence, a mournful look on his face as he stared off into the distance. Every now and then Dean would see silent tears trickling down his face, leaving behind tracks that glistened in the light. The first time it happened, Dean questioned Castiel about it but the other man didn't offer any explanation, just said it was 'nothing' and Dean dropped it. He wasn't an inquisitive person by nature and if Castiel wanted to keep his past to himself, that was fine by Dean.

A few weeks in, Castiel mentioned something about finding his own place but Dean wasn't having any of it. Dean liked having someone around and, so long as Cas didn't mind rooming with him, he was welcome to stay. Castiel insisted on at least contributing to the household: rent, utilities, food, and whatever else. Castiel was not a particularly material person by nature and he had come to Dean with virtually nothing, but slowly the apartment began acquiring a few new items here and there, a book or two, a few DVD's, a throw blanket for the couch when autumn fell and the temperature started to drop.

One night, nearly three weeks after Dean had taken Castiel home with him, they were sitting on Dean's threadbare but comfortable couch eating popcorn and watching some program that neither of them was paying particular attention to.

Instead, Dean was regaling Castiel with stories of him and Sam from when they were little.

"And then, Sam decided to jump off too dressed as Batman, which is stupid because Batman can't even fly, and sure enough he manages to break his arm!"

"Then what happened?" Castiel asked, fully engrossed in the story and enjoying the way Dean's eyes lit up when he spoke about his brother.

"I took him to the ER on my bike."

Castiel raised his eyebrows.

"And how old were you again?"

"Nine."

Castiel's brow furrowed.

"Where was your father?"

Dean shrugged.

"On a job."

"Who was looking after you?"

"I was looking after Sam."

Castiel stared at Dean.

"When you were nine?"

Dean sighed and leaned back against the sofa.

"My dad had some…interesting approaches to parenting." He started to explain.

"Dean." Castiel interrupted, "Leaving a nine year old child in charge of a five year old is tantamount to child abuse. As a parent, your children come first."

Dean let out a humorless laugh.

"Trust me, that's not the worst thing he ever did."

The conversation dropped off.

"Is that why you took me in?"

Dean glanced up into Castiel's blue-eyed gaze.

"What do you mean?"

Cas shifted in his seat, drawing his legs up and under him so he was sitting cross-legged facing Dean.

"You spent your whole life looking after your brother. Now that he's not here you have no one to take care of, no one to focus on, just yourself which is something you don't know how to do because you've never done it before. And then I come along and I'm basically a baby in a trench coat."

Dean laughed, his eyes crinkling at the corners in a way Castiel found surprisingly alluring.

"I am very glad that you did."

Dean looked up and once again found himself lost in Castiel's endless blue eyes, eyes that seemed to see past the sarcasm and bravado that Dean had built up around himself and pierce right into the depths of his soul.

Without any sort of conscious thought process, Dean found himself leaning forward and pressing his lips against Castiel's.

They were suspended for an eternal moment, like the apex of a rollercoaster, before Castiel responded and Dean was lost in a tempest of heat and hunger and desire.

And then it was gone because Castiel had pulled away, breathing heavily with a pained look in his eyes.

"I-I can't…I'm sorry."

He looked down, sliding back, away from Dean and towards the other end of the sofa, wrapping his arms around his knees and curling himself up into a ball.

It took Dean a few seconds to get his brain back online but when it did a jolt of guilt and embarrassment shot through him.

"Oh I…no I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…Oh god, I thought…"

He felt his cheeks warm as he trailed off.

"It's not that I didn't enjoy it." Cas said softly.

Dean looked up, catching Cas' eye and asked, "Then what is it?"

Cas looked down, fidgeting.

"I'm a mess Dean. I…I'm just really screwed up right now and I don't even know how to begin talking about it. I-"

A few tears escaped as he started trembling in his protective little ball.

Dean moved forward slowly, resting a hand lightly on Castiel's knee and stroking his thumb over the denim smoothly.

"Hey." He said softly, cupping Castiel's unshaven chin with his other hand and raised it up to look at him, "I don't care. I really don't. I don't care that you can't talk about your past, I don't care that I don't know where you're from or what happened to you or even what your last name is. What I care about is you and how when I'm with you I don't feel lonely or detached like I always do because you hit the nail on the head when you told me I need to take care of other people. 'Cause it's true, I don't do well on my own. You know what happened after Sammy left, what a mess I was."

Dean trailed off and moved his hand so he was grasping the back of Cas's head, his fingers tangling in the soft hair.

"If you're really not ready, that's fine. I'll respect that. But don't think for one second that I wouldn't want you because you're a little bit broken. I don't care. I like who you are now."

With a calloused thumb he brushed away the tears that were beginning to dry on Castiel's face.

"Now," Dean said with a deep inhale and a smile that was only partially fake, "how about I go make some more popcorn, hmm?"

While Dean was in the kitchen, Castiel sat and thought about what he had said. It was true that Castiel did feel something for his roommate. He had never had feelings for another man before but then again, he had only ever been with one other person and she…

Cas sniffed as more tears escaped his reddened eyes, he couldn't go there. Not now.

Dean was so kind and giving, could Castiel really open himself up to love again? It had been so painful before. The loss, the grief, the gnawing emptiness that swallowed everything. Everything except Dean.

Dean returned to the living room with the refilled bowl of popcorn, setting it down on the coffee table before slumping back into his seat at the other end of the sofa.

Castiel looked at him. He owed everything to this man who had taken him in and given without asking for anything in return. Who had respected his need for privacy and allowed Castiel to keep buried what he needed to keep buried.

And Castiel had to admit to himself that he did find Dean attractive.

A thought occurred to Castiel as he ruminated on what he knew of Dean's life. No parents, a brother away at school, he really only had Ellen and Jo and Ash to talk to and interact with on a daily basis. Dean had said himself that he didn't do well on his own and that being with Cas made him feel less isolated. Perhaps Dean needed Castiel as much as Castiel needed Dean. Perhaps this was the answer: two broken halves coming together to make some semblance of a whole. A new life, a new start. A chance to wipe the slate clean and start over; to move on from the past without forgetting what he was leaving behind.

Could he do that? Could he truly to let go?

He looked at Dean.

Yes. With this man, he could.

Dean looked up.

"What?" he asked when he noticed the other man looking intently at him.

Without answering, Castiel slid across the sofa, crowding into Dean's space and kissed him.

After a moment, they pulled apart.

"Are you sure?" Dean asked breathlessly.

Castiel nodded.

"Yes."

Dean smiled, his green eyes lighting up in a way that sent jolts of desire through Cas. He cupped his cheek and moved in, breathing against his lips.

"Awesome."

...

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