I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.
Chapter Three – Confession
"I'm sorry, but there is quite a bit of information to cover before you can begin," Carlisle informed me. I nodded, fidgeting slightly. Ordinarily, I would never display my impatience in such a manner, but my world had just been altered with the presentation of remarkable news. I was anxious to begin. "There is no way to search for a specific set of conditions or select a particular universe. You will have no control over where you go once you activate this device," continued my father.
Slowly, I realized what he was saying. I could never return here, at least not purposely. My family would never know what became of me. I had assumed I would not be returning once I found a version of her that I could keep, but I had thought that perhaps I could check in with them at some future date to let them know that I was doing well. This would not be possible after all. I was suddenly struck by their sacrifice. My family had spent the years since her death doing nothing but build this device, which they would never be able to use themselves, just so that I could find a chance at a happiness that they would never know whether I had found. I felt a glow where my dead heart had sat cold and unbeating for so long. They loved me more than I could have imagined, and I was going to leave them.
"For these reasons," Carlisle had kept talking while these realizations sank in, "the device has never been tested. Alice has told us that it will work, but all she can truly confirm is that, once you use it, you will disappear, along with your future. We can't be certain what will really happen to you. The theories and work we put into this are sound, and we have no reason to believe that anything unexpected will happen, but it is important that you understand the risks."
"I understand." I had come here planning to die. If this device didn't work as expected, at least it was likely unstable enough to kill me. That would save the wolves the trouble, although it would deny them the satisfaction of killing a Cullen.
"You can only move between universes, not through time. Whatever has happened in another universe, you cannot hope to reverse or change any more than you can alter what has already happened here. You may see things that are much more traumatic than what transpired in our own universe, and I know it will be your instinct to want to help. It is best, however, if you simply continue on to the next universe instead. You won't have much control over whether you're seen when you appear, you can only go to where you reasonably believe will be an isolated area in the next universe. You must not be seen disappearing. It would cause a great deal of trouble for our counterparts if you were to call the attention of the humans in any universe." Carlisle went on, covering points that he knew I had already figured out, but wanting to be certain nonetheless.
"And you'll need to change clothes first," Alice interjected. "You're going to be sticking close to Forks for starters, and in any reality where we've been living there recently, people will notice Edward Cullen walking around in an Italian suit and become suspicious." She wrinkled her nose. "I know you thought you were coming here for your own funeral, Edward, so I suppose you get points for style, but why would you have wanted the wolves to ruin such a nice suit?"
I chuckled and was surprised to find that I had actually found her remarks humorous. "I'm sorry, Alice. I had thought you would approve. I'm afraid I didn't bring any other clothes with me."
"That's all right, some of your things are still here. We did leave town in quite a hurry originally." Alice flitted off to pick out some more suitable clothing for me.
I turned my attention back to Carlisle, who had begun speaking again. "We wanted to incorporate some greater pinpointing capabilities so that you would have the option to return, but Alice told us that time was running out, and Esme felt that you had suffered long enough already. However, since we know how to build the basic device now, we thought we might try to build another that could pinpoint specific universes so that we could attempt to catch up with you one day. We all need a break, I'm afraid, so it may be some time before we begin on this project. You might attempt to enlist the aid of our counterparts to modify your own device, if you ever want to return to let us know how you're doing. If you cannot, we certainly understand, and we all wish you the best."
"Carlisle, I…" There were no words. Nothing I could say that could express the overwhelming gratitude I was feeling. Suddenly, I felt the same emotion intensify and instinctively checked in Jasper's mind. He was showing them how I felt, since my own words had failed me. We understand, Edward, he thought. Go find her. I smiled weakly. I was unaccustomed to being rendered speechless.
Alice had returned with a simple outfit consisting of a turtleneck sweater and a pair of khakis. She had also brought winter gear, including gloves, a hat, and a scarf. Of course, I would have no way of knowing if the weather would remain consistent in other universes. It stood to reason that it would not, and if I suddenly appeared on a sunny day, I would need coverage until I could hide in a remote area. I left the room to change at my own top speed and was back in an instant.
"If you see our counterparts," Carlisle began again, "I see no reason why you cannot tell them who you are and why you are there. I do think it would be best if you try to avoid anyone other than our family."
"It happens that I have a bit of experience at avoiding others," I remarked.
Carlisle smiled again. "Well then, do you have any questions before you go? I'll give you basic instructions on how to use the device, of course."
"If I should manage to find a way to return here, would the device allow me to bring her back with me?"
Carlisle nodded. "I expected you would want to know that. Yes, the device should support an additional person, likely even two, but they will need to be touching you when you activate it. Shall we?" He indicated that I should follow him into his lab. "I'm afraid this next part will be unpleasant, son."
"Unpleasant? Well, that will certainly be a change from my life recently," I muttered. Edward! Your manners! Esme protested silently.
Carlisle ignored my sarcasm and continued, holding up a device around the size of a pack of cigarettes or a MP3 player. "This, I regret to say, will need to be implanted under your skin. Your skin will heal over it immediately, of course, but it will be very uncomfortable. It was the only way we could think of to ensure that you could never be separated from it if you were discovered. It will be easy enough to remove once you are finished with it permanently, but you will feel it at all times until you've accomplished your goal." I didn't even flinch. I would accept decades of physical discomfort before spending one more day without her. If this was the price I had to pay to be with her again, I had no complaints. Carlisle showed me how to use the device. To prevent accidentally setting it off prematurely, there were several buttons that had to be pressed in a specific order and held for specified periods of time. He was careful to explain without actually activating the device. "Are you ready for this?" he said, regretfully holding up a special tool he had designed years ago specifically for cutting through vampire skin surgically. He took my lack of response for an affirmative and worked quickly to implant the device into my lower abdomen, where the slight lump was unlikely to be seen. I scarcely noticed the pain of the cutting, implanting or healing.
"Thank you Carlisle. And thank you all. I hope that one day I can see you again to repay your kindness." Truly, I was humbled by what my family had done for me. I knew that I would have done the same for any of them, but this was nevertheless remarkable. You don't need to repay us, each member of my family thought, almost in perfect unison. "I will begin now. I wish I had something better to say to all of you, but there are no words that will do justice to how I feel at this moment. I think it would be best for me to go a short distance from the house and use the device from that point." Carlisle silently agreed with me. Beginning my research in each new universe with my own family would be the best idea.
Esme moved to embrace me, and the others followed suit in short order. Edward, thought Carlisle, if it isn't too much trouble, if you ever do make it back, I should love to hear any tales of what our counterparts are up to. I smiled back at him. I sincerely hoped that one day I could tell him thrilling stories to satisfy his curiosity. I looked over my shoulder at the house as I left, going out into the clearing where we had once played baseball, where this entire mess had begun.
Edward, wait! I won't keep you long, just a few minutes! Alice was following me. I slowed my pace and waited in the clearing for her to catch up. You were in no mood to listen before, she continued, but I thought it was only right to tell you exactly what happened. Especially if you plan to tell our counterparts your story. This was not something I really wanted to hear, but she was correct, of course. I had to tell them what had happened. If I ever found her, I needed her to know what had transpired as well. It would be unfair to ask for their aid or even their time if I could not tell them the full truth. Still, I could not even bring myself to think her name, even with hope for the future.
A moment later, Alice had filled my mind with images. She'd had a vision of Laurent meeting her in the meadow where I'd once taken her. Laurent was stalking, circling her, and was about to lunge for the kill. Abruptly, this vision ended, and she'd immediately rushed back to Forks to try to prevent it from taking place, interpreting the abrupt ending to mean that her future had disappeared, meaning that she had died.
She'd arrived at the meadow from her vision and stayed back far enough to observe and listen without being detected. Suddenly, Alice had detected an unfamiliar but detestable odor. I recognized the odor from her memory, but of course she wouldn't have ever had cause to smell it before, since she had not been with us when we'd last lived in Forks. The wolves had come for Laurent, but her presence had distracted them. She'd had a brief scuffle with the wolves. They had lunged at her, but a russet-colored one who seemed strangely familiar to me, bearing a strong resemblance to the wolf-form of Ephriam Black, had apparently noticed her eye color and stopped the fight. This distraction had been sufficient to keep the wolves from their intended target long enough for Laurent to finish what he started and get away. In Alice's memory, she had turned back toward the meadow and seen…
"Stop!" I cried out. "I don't want to see." Alice stopped sending me the images. I'm so sorry, Edward. It was all my fault. If I hadn't been there, the wolves would have saved her and you would never have suffered like this I couldn't see them. I have no right to ask for your forgiveness, but I am truly sorry. I'd never seen Alice so remorseful. She had always been so full of joy every moment that I'd known her; I was horrified to see her like this. "It wasn't your fault," I said slowly. "You tried to help her. You had no way to know that the wolves would block your vision, or that they'd even returned. I will not accept your apology, because you have nothing to apologize for. I should never have left her. She wouldn't have been in that meadow if I had stayed. It was no one's fault but my own." Alice's lip quivered slightly, and she tackled me in another embrace. "I guess even you can be wrong sometimes. That wasn't the last time you'd hug me before." I smiled. "Perhaps this won't be either."
"We will see," she said, composing herself enough to retain the usual pleasant qualities of her voice. "I'm sorry you had to see all of that, but I needed you to know the truth. All of the truth."
"Thank you for sharing it with me," I replied. "I would have hated for you to go on blaming yourself after I left."
"I will always blame myself, Edward. Even if you don't." She smiled at me sadly and added "Good luck," before turning and running back to the house. She was gone before I had time to thank her.
Alone in the clearing where the pieces had come together a lifetime ago, I mentally prepared myself for whatever was about to happen, remembering Carlisle's warning that there was no way to be sure that the device would operate as intended. I took in one last breath and clasped the fingers of my left hand carefully around the bottle cap. With my right hand, I reached up underneath my sweater and pressed the series of buttons that would take me away from my loving family forever.