"Can you not do that now?" snapped Jonathan Crane at dinner. "Some of us are trying to eat!"
Ivy too was trying not to choke on her food, because it was impossible to ignore the revolting sight of Joker and Harley feeding each other, using their forks when the other inmates were lucky, and using their mouths when they weren't. Especially as Harley kept moaning and squealing in delight, making the whole act seem much filthier than it actually was.
She groaned again and Crane dropped his fork, shutting his eyes tightly and burying his face in his hands. "Please stop it now!" he begged.
"Sorry, Johnny, I'll try to enjoy it quietly," murmured Harley, grinning at Joker. "Mr. J just ain't usually so…affectionate, and it really revs me up. Maybe later tonight, puddin', I can swallow something else of yours, hmm?" she whispered in his ear.
He shook his head. "No, no, Harley girl, tonight is all about you, my precious little pumpkin! Daddy J is gonna make his baby feel real special and loved, because he does love his Harleykins more than anything in the whole wide world, yes, he does," he murmured, kissing her.
"Harleykins?" repeated Harley, frowning slightly. "You like Harleykins, puddin'?"
Joker chuckled. "Sure I do, because I'm talking about you, cupcake!" he giggled. "But if you don't like it, I'll think up another one, pooki-pie. Anything for you, schnooky-wookums. You like either of those, baby?"
"Not really," replied Harley. But she shrugged and threw her arms around his neck again. "But if you like 'em, baby, I'd be more than happy to love 'em too, just the way I love you."
"I told you, Harley, it's all about you now," said Joker, patting her head. "It's what you want and what you love and whatever will make you feel as special and loved as you are by me, my sweet little muffinkins."
"Don't think I'm gonna like anything ending in 'kins', puddin'," murmured Harley, frowning again. She then beamed at him adoringly. "Oh, Mr. J, this is wonderful!" she sighed. "Just like a dream come true! Ain't it like a dream, Red?" she asked Ivy.
"Yes. And I hope it's one of those dreams that ends with everybody in it dying," muttered Ivy.
"Aw, you're just jealous, Red, because you ain't got a fella who's as loving and loyal to you as my puddin' is to me," sighed Harley, stroking Joker's hair back.
He kissed her. "I love you, my Harley-Warley-Woo," he murmured.
"And I love you, my gorgeous, handsome, sweet, strong puddin'!" sighed Harley.
The other inmates were glaring at Ivy, and she had to admit, she regretted making the bet. While it was nice to see Harley happy, they were a sickeningly sweet couple now, and as such, an intensely annoying one.
"Now what would make my Harley kitten a very happy girl?" asked Joker. "Daddy J wants to give his special little baby a nice little present because she deserves something for being such a sweet, adorable little angel."
Harley giggled. "I've got a great idea about what you could give me, puddin'," she murmured. She began whispering in his ear and he chuckled.
"Now Harley-Warley, those are some very bad thoughts for such a good little girl," he replied, grinning. "Daddy would spank you, but I don't think spanking would be considered nice, do you, Pammie?"
"Not really, no," agreed Ivy.
"Aw, but it is nice, puddin'," pressed Harley, frowning slightly again. "Your Harley loves it when you punish your bad little girl."
"Well, I want my Harleybug to be a good little girl from now on, ok, sweetness?" he asked. "Because good little girls get presents from Daddy, and bad little girls get nothing, isn't that right, muffincakes?"
"Oh…yeah…sure, Mr. J," Harley replied, still frowning. "So…you don't want me to pop your gun tonight?"
Crane stood up and stormed out of the room, leaving his meal unfinished. "Geez, some guys just can't be happy for ya," sniffed Harley.
"I told you, baby, from now on it's all about you," said Joker. "Whatever will make you happy is what I wanna do, pumpkin pie."
"But it makes me happy to make you happy, puddin'," replied Harley, cuddling him.
"That's because you're such a sweet, generous, thoughtful little honeybear," cooed Joker. "Ain't I just the luckiest man in the world, guys?" he asked the room in general. "Just look at that adorable little face," he purred, squeezing her chin in his hand. "It just makes me wanna kiss it over and over again."
"No reward is worth this," muttered Two-Face, watching Harley squealing in delight as Joker planted kisses all over her face.
"We should all try to be happy for Harley," said Ivy. "After all, she doesn't get this very often."
"Thank God," retorted Two-Face.
Ivy had to admit, as nice as it was to see her friend happy, she would rather be beaten up by Batman than spend another second in Joker and Harley's company. The rest of the evening was spent with Ivy trying futiley to ignore them, and as the days passed, things only got worse. Whenever Joker and Harley were in the same room together, they were all over each other, and by the fourth day, Ivy had resolved to just stay in her cell and only emerge from it at mealtimes. She was also thinking of asking the guards if she could be served food in her cell for the rest of the week, so she could avoid the cringe-worthy displays as much as possible.
That night, she was surprised to see Harley re-enter her cell next to hers and sigh heavily. "Harley?" she said, concerned. "Are you ok?"
"Huh? Oh yeah, fine, Red," sighed Harley, sitting down on her bed and putting her chin in her hands. "I've just come from Mr. J's. We were getting a little…intimate and…and…something that used to happen don't happen anymore."
Ivy squeezed her eyes shut. "I really, really don't want to hear about how the clown is impotent, Harley. But it's only natural that as guys get older, they have a harder time getting it up. I recommend dressing up as Batman or something, that'll clearly excite him…"
"I wasn't talking about that," snapped Harley. "I was talking about…hitting me. He used to give me a little pain to get me in the mood. But now, nothing. Just a lot of kissing and affection and talk about how sweet and precious I am. He didn't call me useless or worthless once. Not once, Red. He asked me about my feelings. Why would he care about my feelings? What do they matter? He's never cared about them before."
"Surely you should be pleased by that, Harley," said Ivy.
"Well…yeah, it just ain't very Mr. J, y'know? He's not been acting like himself for a little while now and I'm starting to get worried. I mean, tonight…tonight was the tenderest, most gentle lovemaking ever. I hated it so much! He kept asking me if he was hurting me, genuinely concerned about that, as if I didn't want to be hurt! He was all careful about my pleasure and my enjoyment and it didn't satisfy me nearly as much as it usually does. And…and afterward he…he…wanted to cuddle! Mr. J wanted to cuddle me, Red!" Harley burst into tears, sobbing loudly.
"I don't understand why that upsets you," retorted Ivy.
"Because it ain't like him! I love Mr. J, and he ain't acting at all like Mr. J acts! It's just weird and creepy and I don't like it! Can't you make it stop, Red? He's acting this way because of something you said, ain't he? Can't you make things go back to the way they were? I'd give anything to have my Mr. J back."
"What, you mean that selfish, disgusting, abusive creep?" demanded Ivy.
"Yeah," sighed Harley, dreamily. "He'd hit a gal so she'd really feel the pain. He'd make a gal feel useless and worthless and all those really dirty things that really rev me up. He'd rev me hard, so hard it would really, really hurt, and afterwards he'd shove me away and tell me to go fix him a drink. What a guy!"
"Harley, you can't honestly enjoy being treated like crap!" snapped Ivy.
"I enjoy being treated like Mr. J's girl," retorted Harley. "And that's how Mr. J treats his girl. At least that's how he used to. I miss him so much, Red!" she sighed.
"Harley, you're the one who wished things could be different," said Ivy.
"I know. And I'm sorry for ever wishing that. I guess you never know how good you got it until it's gone, huh, Red? I'd give anything in the world to have my abusive Mr. J back," she murmured forlornly.
"Well, you'll have him back at the end of the week, I imagine," retorted Ivy.
"Why? What's happening at the end of the week?" asked Harley, puzzled.
"I just think J is going to have a little change of heart," replied Ivy.
"I sure hope so," sighed Harley. "I can't stand much more of this affectionate crap. It's enough to drive a gal crazy."