AN: I'll answer your reviews later çause I am beyond tired and right now my roommates are gone and my bed is calling my name.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own name (which was mine long before Mark decided to use it)
Which To Bury: Us Or The Hatchet?
Running, Pain & The Past
December 21st
-oo-
George Bernard Shaw once wrote: "Choose silence of all virtues, for it is by it you hear other men's imperfections and conceal your own."
I think we've been doing that way too much. We all say nothing hoping someone will slip and say something and it's not enough anymore. I thought I could do it like this. I thought it'd be best to leave everyone alone, but I can't.
Nathan would call what I'm doing meddling. Maybe it is, but still. To meddle is to give a damn.
Things went smoothly this morning. We ate breakfast and Nate and Julian took the kids to see Santa.
"So, Brooke, we ever gonna talk about the elephant in the room?" I ask her taking advantage of the fact that Sam's passed out upstairs. Gotta love how teenagers always sleep in late.
"Well, whatever do you mean, Hales?" she asks feigning ignorance. Avoidance has always been one of her strong suits. Hell, by now avoidance is a strong trait amongst us all.
"Ugh, fine! If you want it to be like that, we'll name him. When are you going to ask me about Lucas?" I've only got her here for a week, so I can't exactly afford tact.
She avoids my eyes staring literally at everything in the room, but me. "Do we really need to talk about this?" she asks while staring at her hands.
"Look, I won't pretend I didn't play a part in why you felt you had to leave Tree Hill, but I know that the main reason was Lucas. He blamed you for things that weren't your fault. He misplaced his anger on you. And I think that's something we need to talk about." If we never talk about this, we'll never be able to get past this.
"I…" she stutters for a second, "There's nothing I have to say. I'm over all that. I mean, he and Peyton were going through a bad patch and I shouldn't have tried to…I just should've left Lucas alone and not meddle."
"You don't have any regrets about what happened?" she has to have them.
"I think –"
"Ladies," I recognize Nathan's voice calling as I hear the door opening, "The men are back!"
"And we got candy and ice cream!" that's definitely Julian. Figures he'd get the kids hopped up on sugar before lunch. Who can blame him, most of the time he's a kid himself.
"We're out back, babe." Yells Brooke from the door. She has a smile back on her face. She knows she just got saved by the bell.
They come outside and Julian has Robbie sitting on his shoulders. I kink an eyebrow at him.
"Hey, this doesn't count as bench pressing him." He says defensively. I seriously hate it when he does the smart-ass thing. Mostly because he's so good at it.
"Hey gorgeous, did you take care of your Uncle J and your big brother?" says Brooke as she picks Robbie off of Julian's shoulders.
"Yeah, they was good." He replies with a smile. We decide to make root beer floats and head into the kitchen.
"Hales, we're out of Coke." Says Brooke as she enters the living room, "I'll go get some. Nate, toss me your keys."
I burst out laughing from the look on Nate's face at hearing this, "I'm not letting you drive my car, Davis."
"Come on, I won't crash it." she says in whiny, childish voice.
Julian wrestles Nathan for his keys and tosses them to Brooke. Nathan whines and mutters something about bros over hoes to which Julian replies that he has to look out for his girl. Bros over hoes…with me, Peyton, and Brooke it used to go hoes over bros.
"Can I go with Aunt Brooke, momma?" asks Jamie giving me the pout.
"Sure thing, pretty boy." Says Brooke before I can answer, "Let's go." She's going to try to avoid me now so that I don't ask her about Lucas again. I'll say it once more; we've all become masters at the art of avoidance.
-oo-
Joseph Heller once wrote: "I'm not running away from my responsibilities, I'm running to them. There's nothing negative about running away to save your life."
While that may be a little dramatic for my case, but I think it stills applies. After the wedding drama, I felt like I was drowning here. Haley and Lucas weren't talking and I felt, at least, partially responsible for that.
Julian and I felt uncomfortable and our being here seemed to just complicate things. So when he suggested the move, I agreed.
"Why so sad, Dimples?" he asks as he sits next to me on the couch.
"It feels like we don't belong anymore." I explain with a shrug.
"What, in Tree Hill?" he asks he as puts an arm around me.
"Yeah, it's awkward with Naley. Lucas feels like I betrayed him, and Peyton isn't talking to me. I feel like I'm the odd man out in this." I've never felt this shitty without having done something to earn it. Because I honestly didn't do anything. I didn't know what Peyton was doing and I sure as hell didn't do anything to Lucas except trying to be there.
"Hey, you didn't betray anyone and you haven't been alone since the day we got together…if you want to go we can go." I only manage to give him a confused look in response, "Come with me to LA. We can get away, and we'll bring Sam." He says with a goofy smile.
He pulls me closer and tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "You won't have to feel like the 'odd man out' ever again. I'll always be your family." He whispers to me in a seductive way, "Promise."
I can think of a million reasons why it would be wrong to run away –because, essentially, that's what this is –but, right now, the simple thought of us just getting away, of being a family is a good enough reason.
That was then. This is now. And now I'm going out with my godson…just like old times.
"Got your coat, bud?" I ask him as I make sure that my wallet is in my purse.
He nods yes and as soon as I open the front door I bump into someone.
"Sorry," I mumble, "I wasn't expecting to bump into someone as I open my front door." God, why do I always ramble?
"Well, last time I checked, Nathan and Haley were the ones that lived here."
Shit, I recognize that voice. "Jake…"
"Brooke Davis," he then hugs me. I instinctively hug him back, but its tense and frigid and not at all normal. We stare at each other and finally Jamie clears his throat. I'm betting that it was 50 percent to save my ass from the awkwardness and 50 percent to make his presence known.
"Um, Jake, this is my godson Jamie. Jamie this is Jake." That's a considerably short introduction, but it'll do.
"I know you, you're the dude that crashed Uncle Lucas' wedding." At hearing this, a knot forms in my stomach.
Jake looks at his feet and I do the same, "He didn't crash it, Jamie…I invited him."
I tell him that everyone's in the living room and to head inside.
"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!" I mutter as soon as the door closes behind Jake…
"Mom doesn't like it when I say that." says Jamie
"I know handsome, my bad." I say putting on a fake smile. I'm going to need to smile my ass off if I plan to make it through this trip intact.
-oo-
George Bernard Shaw once wrote: "It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. When your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters anymore."
I decided to be a gentleman and go out for my own beer today…well, scratch that. I ran out on Peyton while she was in the bathroom. Not exactly gentlemanly behavior, but who cares?
No one. I thought so. I don't care anymore so why should she, or anybody for that matter.
I haven't gone to the market in a while. Aisle after aisle everything is so organized. I find it weird that a fucking market is more put together than my own damn life.
Beer? Check
Hmm, Juice? Check
Those Pringles look good…something to snack on? Check
Might as well get some sodas too. I don't really want to share my beer with Peyton and if I complain about it we'll just end up in yet another argument. I swear it's like we're three-year-olds who can't get along.
Now, what to get, Coke or Pepsi? Oh, the complexity to which my life has been narrowed down to.
"I say we take the bottles because they're bigger than the cans. And they look cooler, too." At hearing her voice, I look up to make sure I'm not imagining it. I'm not. She's here.
Her voice is a little bit raspier and she looks even more beautiful than she did before, if that's at all possible.
Jamie's here too. He's gotten taller.
They haven't noticed I'm here yet. I'm, like, less than five feet away and she hasn't noticed. I need to say something awesome. I haven't seen her in three years so I should have a pretty kick ass opening line.
"Brooke," oh yeah, that rocked. She'll definitely forgive me for being a dick now.
"Lucas," says Jamie as he walks over to me. I guess I'm not exactly 'Uncle Luke' anymore. He shakes my hand awkwardly. There was a time when he would've hugged me.
We stand in awkward silence until Jamie breaks it, "Well, I'm going to go pay for these." He then grabs Brooke's purse and heads over to the register leaving us alone.
"How've you been Brooke?" I ask trying to not make this any more awkward.
"You know, good, you?" she asks politely
"I…I've missed you." I admit oh so sadly.
"Really?" she asks sounding genuinely surprised to hear that.
Yeah, I've missed you. I've also been feeling like shit about the fact that I was the one who drove you away. I was an ass and I'm sorry. "Yes," I thought it better to shorten my original answer.
"Do you wanna go for a walk?" I ask her, "You, me and J-Luke. Just like old times." Just like before I messed everything up.
"Um, I'd love to, but we have to get back." She says with an apologetic look, "Jul –uh, everyone's expecting us back at the house soon."
"Of course, of course," I get it. I wouldn't want to go out with me either.
"But, um, how about tomorrow?" she asks
"Really?" Now I'm the one sounding genuinely surprised. I also sound slightly hopeful.
"Yeah, just call me. I haven't changed my cell." She replies with my favorite dimpled smile.
Jamie then comes over with the bags and they go.
-oo-
Antoine de Saint–Exupery once wrote: "Grownups never understand anything on their own, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them."
I don't know about grownups in general, but my gang of grownups seems to be clueless about the most obvious things.
"Do you think Uncle Lucas will come to dinner?" I ask Aunt Brooke as we get into the car.
"Um, I think your mom said something about him and Peyton coming, so probably." She mutters kind of incoherently.
"Are you gonna go out with him tomorrow?"
"Uh, yeah, I think so. I mean, do you think I shouldn't? Its probably going to be weird, so maybe I should just avoid it…" she continues rambling about how it'd be best for her to just stay in the house with Uncle J and something about 'not rocking the boat'…she's not exactly making much sense at this point.
See what I mean. She thinks she did something wrong and that Lucas hasn't forgiven her.
"I think you should go." I say cutting her ramble off.
"What?" she asks me confused
"On the date with Lucas." I clarify, "I think it'd give you closure."
She laughs at hearing this, "You know you're 8 going on 30, right?" she asks me smiling
I nod. She shouldn't be so surprised. I've been her underage shrink since I was four.
"I think Uncle Lucas likes you." I state matter-of-factly. She opens her mouth a few times, but closes it before saying anything. Finally she manages to utter a question, "Why?"
"Because he's just been sad since you've been gone." I reply, "I think you'd be good together. You're good fro him."
"I thought you liked Julian." She says as more a question than a statement.
"I do, I remember when you told me he passed the Jamie Test."
"Why was Uncle Lucas so mad at me?" I asked Aunt Brooke as she tucked me in.
"Oh, babe, no. He wasn't mad at you." She says as she snuggles up next to me, "He just…doesn't like Julian."
"Well…I like him." I say with a shrug.
She smiles, "That's good because I have a secret to tell you."
"What?" I ask excitedly.
"Julian is kind of my boyfriend now." She states, "And you are the first person I've told."
"That's cool, but why me?" I ask confused.
"Because I want you to like the guy I'm dating. He has to pass the Jamie Test before things can get serious."
I laugh, "What happens if I don't approve?"
"Well, I don't exactly kick him to the curve, but I really trust your judgment. So, it matters a lot to me that you do approve."
The rest of the ride goes on quietly. When we get home, she stops me before we get to the door. "Can you, uh, not tell anyone about Lucas and me and the…date?" she asks me.
I shrug while shaking my head in a disapproving way, "Sure, anything for you, Aunt Brooke."
-oo-
William Ralph Inge once wrote: "Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter."
That's how I see the past. It shouldn't matter. The mistakes you've made shouldn't define you forever. Some of the people in Tree Hill could really benefit from believing that.
I should've gone with Brooke to the market. It's weird being here without her.
"I thought you had a kid." I say to Jake. Not exactly smooth, but we've been sitting in a Twilight Zone like silence for the past half hour.
"I do, she's with my parents. They hadn't seen her in while, so she's staying there today." He explains.
"Where the hell are Brooke and Jamie?" asks Nathan.
"Babe, we're back!" calls Brooke from the front door answering his question.
"Hey, Dimples, took you long enough. I was about to send the search party." I say motioning for her to sit by me. She gives me a kiss as she takes her spot on my lap
"There was a long line." Says Jamie.
Jake then stands and grabs the Cokes from Haley, "Take a break, Haley. I can handle it."
"No, Jake, you're our guest." She protests. Finally, they compromise on making them together. That leaves me, Brooke, Nathan, Robbie and Jamie alone.
Another silence starts to fall upon us, and I decide to break it before it settles. I'm not comfortable with uncomfortable silences. "So, what'd you ask Santa for?" I ask Robbie.
"A Wii like yours." He replies smiling.
"Well, I happen to be one of Santa's elves so I'll totally hook you up." I explain proudly. The munchkins shouldn't really have to suffer our awkwardness.
He jumps up and down excitedly, "Did you hear that, daddy! Uncle J knows Santa!"
"He does? Maybe he'll hook me up with a new car." Says a smirking Nathan. Who's the smartass now?
"Relax, Scott. We got it back in one piece." Says Brooke as she tosses him the keys and focuses her attention back on Jamie, "What about you, Jamie? What do you want?"
He pouts while pondering the question and I laugh, "The new Play Station 4, the new Rock Band and a guitar so I can play like mom does."
"That's a long list, mini J. I'll have to put a call in to Santa ASAP." I say with a wink.
"Root Beer Floats are ready outside." Says Jake. Robbie and Jamie dart after him faster than The Flash and Nate follows.
Brooke turns to me, and smiles awkwardly. Something's up, I can tell. I know my girl.
"What's wrong?" I ask her
"Nothing," she replies quickly. A little too quickly
"We bumped into Peyton yesterday." I figure that if I go first then maybe she'll talk. I know Tree Hill has never brought out her communicative side, "She looked kind of messed up."
"Oh," she whispers. She looks at her feet before speaking again, "I was thinking we should go Christmas shopping tomorrow. Hales and I take her car and you, Nate and Jake take Nate's. Sam can baby-sit."
She's trying to change the subject. I could push her on it, but I'm gonna let it slide. We've only been here a day and a half, and I don't want her to feel more pressured than she needs to be. She's nervous enough already.
"Sounds good to me." With the planning of this trip I totally spaced on getting her a present for this year. "So tell me gorgeous, you been naughty or nice?" I ask with my mischievous grin trying to get her to relax once more
She cocks an eyebrow at me, "You know the answer to that one." Will you look at that? I got her smiling again.
-oo-
Someone once wrote: "Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you are to become who you will be."
The past…man, the past has been a fucking anvil dragging my ass deeper and deeper. I've been struggling to let go and move on and be a better person, but I swear to GOD that the past isn't what's been holding me back.
Lucas has been holding me back…we've been holding each other back. Both of us holding on to what could have been instead of dealing with what is. We worked so hard to avoid having to deal with each other that now we don't know how to be together anymore.
"Peyton," I hear him call, "I'm back."
"Where were you?" I ask.
"Market," he says waving a paper bag, "I got you some Cokes."
"I would've gone with you, you know?" I say.
"I ran into Brooke." He says as he opens a beer, "We're going to the park tomorrow."
That kind of caught me off guard. I don't know if he's saying it so I'll know or if he's looking to evoke some sort of reaction from me, or if he's just talking to fill the silence.
When I say nothing he speaks again "Is that okay?"
I stand up and pull something out of my top drawer, "You're a grown man Lucas. You don't need my permission to do things." I sigh, "And I don't need yours." I say as I put the papers in front of him.
"What's this?" he asks without really looking at them.
"Divorce papers, I had them drafted a few months ago." This brings out no reaction from him. He just sits there drinking his beer while staring blankly ahead, "This marriage has been over almost as soon as it began and I can't keep fighting for something you have no interest in fighting for, so here it is. Sign on the dotted line and we're done. We can finally stop holding each other back."
He finally looks up at me. His eyes blank and showing no emotion. I grab my coat and open the door, "Merry Christmas Lucas. I hope you find something you want to fight for."
The second the door closes behind me I know it's over. No turning back now. Seeing that my marriage is over I should be sad, but I just feel…free.
Now, it's only three o'clock in the afternoon, so on to a new issue: where the fuck am I gonna sleep tonight?
TBC